The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 2, Episode 22

Directed by Rae Kraus

Felton Perry as Lester • Kent King as Monique • Jenifer Lewis as Aunt Helen • Monique Mannen as Renee

Aunt Helen arrives unexpectedly, and upsets Will and Carlton's plans for a rendezvous with two French women.

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1. Will, a deal's a deal.

2. You picked the movie. I pick the restaurant.

3. Oh, please. This ain't no restaurant.

4. There wasn't even no golden arches outside.

5. Will, please.

6. You're this far

7. from washing windshields with newspaper.

8. Now just sit down

9. and try to go a half-hour without saying "yo."

10. Yo, yo, yo.

11. I'll have two of those.

12. Ladies, hello.

13. This is your lucky day.

14. Anyone who sits in these chairs

15. gets served on the house.

16. Yo, Carlton, man, they're French girls.

17. We're in!

18. They don't have no standards, man.

19. They like Jerry Lewis.

20. Follow my lead. I'm a rich and famous rap star.

21. You always get to be the rap star.

22. This time, I'll be the rap star,

23. and you be Gary Coleman.

24. Uh, ahem...

25. Bonjour, slimmies.

26. Bonjour.

27. Bonjour. Je suis un tres important rap star.

28. Vraiment? A rap star!

29. C'est fantastique. I love rap.

30. I am Renee, and this is Monique.

31. And what do you call yourself?

32. Uh, he's, uh... Tiny by nature.

33. So, how would you ladies like to spend an evening

34. in tiny's bel-air mansion?

35. Monique, he has a mansion.

36. A big one.

37. Tennis court, swimming pool,

38. excellent school system.

39. How about tomorrow night?

40. We're only going to be in L.A. for four days.

41. Uh, would you excuse us for just...

42. When are Uncle Phil and aunt viv going out of town?

43. Tomorrow through Monday.

44. But what do we do about hilary and Ashley, lie?

45. Oh, no, man. Come oh, they're family. We bribe them.

46. Yeah, tomorrow night will be perfect.

47. Uh, separate checks, please.

48. Tomorrow...

49. We go French.

50. But tonight we go Dutch.

51. game plan for tonight, will—

52. as soon as the parental units are out of the house,

53. we pick the girls up at their hotel,

54. then ply we them with Perrier to get them in the mood.

55. Hey, Carlton, they're French girls.

56. They're always in the mood.

57. Do you know the French word for "foreplay"?

58. Because there isn't one.

59. Sweetheart, I'm counting on you to take care of your sister

60. while your father and I are at the jazz festival.

61. O.K.,

62. but last time I squealed on hilary,

63. I found Barbie face down in the aquarium.

64. Boy, boy, you kids and your music.

65. Ah, when I was young, lyrics meant something.

66. I was scatting, will.

67. That's the most expressive form of singing.

68. For example...

69. hilary, honey, here's the number

70. where we'll be staying at the hotel.

71. O.K., I am ready.

72. Wait. I forgot my purse.

73. Has anybody seen my old brown bag?

74. Excuse me.

75. You used to call me diva.

76. Helen!

77. Hi, sweetie!

78. Aah! Ha ha ha!

79. Well, what a wonderful surprise.

80. I'll put these in the guest room.

81. Ah, so this is what a hernia feels like.

82. Well, Bobby's visiting Lester's parents,

83. so I decided to take a little trip.

84. I'm always doing things on the spur of the moment—

85. buy a new hat, paint the house,

86. get a divorce.

87. Not again?

88. This time, he's gone too far.

89. Does Uncle Lester still do

90. that pull-my-finger thing in church?

91. I don't want to talk about it,

92. not in front of the young one.

93. That means it's about sex.

94. Either Uncle Lester is seeing another woman

95. or becoming one.

96. Ashley, don't be ridiculous.

97. And no more Oprah.

98. Shoot! And it's transvestite week.

99. I'm afraid Ashley's right.

100. I think Lester's messing around.

101. Look, I just need a place to stay for a while.

102. Yeah, aunt Helen, that's cool.

103. You can have my room...

104. In Philly.

105. Will, don't be so insensitive.

106. Aunt Helen, you're staying at the Howard Johnson,

107. and I won't take no for an answer.

108. Uh, boys, knock it off.

109. Philip, we cannot go to San Francisco.

110. Now, don't be canceling anything because of me.

111. I'll be fine.

112. You heard her. She'll be fine. Let's go.

113. I'm not leaving at a time like this.

114. Come on, sweetie. I'll help you unpack.

115. O.K.

116. What about our date?

117. This is so unfair.

118. You're telling me.

119. I stayed up all night learning the French

120. for "forget about my cousin. Y'all can both have me."

121. Sweetheart, I feel so bad about this.

122. Oh, me, too.

123. You poor thing. You know what?

124. I'm going to go and buy something really nice.

125. Oh, sweetie, you don't have to buy me anything.

126. Oh, I know. I meant for me.

127. Honey, all married couples go through rough times.

128. Maybe if you just talk to Lester—

129. talk to him?

130. Girl, I wouldn't give Lester air

131. if he was in a jug.

132. I don't mean to pry,

133. and you don't have to give me all the gory details—

134. Vivian, I told you.

135. There is another woman in his life,

136. and I don't mean his ugly mama.

137. But Lester is crazy about you.

138. Was. Now he's just crazy.

139. You know how some men are animals in bed?

140. Yes.

141. Well, I don't.

142. I know how that goes.

143. One day last month, I met Philip at the door

144. wearing nothing but saran wrap and a smile.

145. Walked right past me and said,

146. "hi, honey. Did you make that meat loaf?"

147. Well, at least he spoke.

148. Vivian...

149. Vivian, last night, I followed Lester.

150. He drove to this cute little house

151. with this cute little picket fence,

152. and this cute little home wrecker opened the door.

153. I would have been reaching for my cute little crowbar.

154. I couldn't find it.

155. Anyway,

156. she let him in,

157. and he stayed.

158. For how long?

159. Let's just say I got tired of waiting.

160. Mademoiselles, un petit change of plans for tonight.

161. Instead of you coming over here,

162. we're going to rendezvous at your hotel.

163. All right, but please, baby, listen.

164. Can I talk for a second, baby?

165. It's just, you know,

166. somebody kind of dropped by the mansion,

167. you know, unexpectedly, you know, so we—

168. who dropped by?

169. Aunt Helen.

170. Sorry.

171. What? No, no, no.

172. You thought he said aunt Helen?

173. No, no.

174. He said, uh, uh, van halen.

175. Well, not to worry,

176. my little chocolate truffles.

177. You can come by tomorrow night.

178. Prince and hammer are coming by to play yahtzee.

179. Oh, sorry. Got to go. Barry white's here.

180. It's 7:15.

181. Right now Bobby mcferrin is performing.

182. I love Bobby mcferrin.

183. Not as much as we love French...

184. Toast.

185. Dad, call me optimistic,

186. but I'm sure you'll still make it to the jazz festival.

187. Aunt Helen's probably blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

188. You're probably right. Smith women tend to do that.

189. Ha ha. I remember one day I came home from work

190. after a really rough time.

191. I think we were having meat loaf for dinner.

192. Anyway, your aunt Vivian was really furious at me

193. because I forgot to mention her dress or—

194. oh, my God!

195. Vi—

196. Vivian!

197. Tomorrow on Geraldo—

198. French women who can't say no.

199. It's not fair, will.

200. Monique is everything I've ever wanted in a woman—

201. beautiful, sexy,

202. and she measures everything in centimeters.

203. Look, all I know is if we don't get this house cleared out by tonight,

204. the only sweet things we're going to be near

205. is a couple klondike bars.

206. Vivian, sweetheart, come here, please.

207. Hurry!

208. There's no more saran wrap,

209. and baggies are out of the question.

210. No, sweetheart, it's not that.

211. Helen, could you come in here, please?

212. Listen, I made some phone calls

213. and managed to scare up an extra ticket

214. to the jazz festival.

215. So we can all go— me, you, and Helen.

216. Oh, I love you, Uncle Phil!

217. I'll get the bags and the car.

218. Hell, I'll carry you there if I have to.

219. Excuse me, Mrs. Lewis, but you have a visitor.

220. Me? Who is it?

221. Your husband Mr. Lewis.

222. Sir, I hope you brought your protective cup.

223. Sweetie pie, get your bags. The taxi's waiting.

224. Would someone please inform action Jackson over there

225. that I'm not going anywhere with him?

226. Helen, you're my wife.

227. If you refuse, you know what I'll have to do.

228. Drag her home by her extensions?

229. No.

230. I'm going to stay right here with you

231. till you change your mind.

232. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

233. Good old aunt jemima.

234. Now, that's a strong woman.

235. I never saw her with a man.

236. Actually, I hear she and the quaker oats dude

237. got a jungle fever thing going.

238. Good morning, everybody.

239. Good morning, Lester. Good morning.

240. I just lost my appetite.

241. Helen, please.

242. All right, I'll stay,

243. but I'm not talking to him, not after what he did.

244. Baby, I know things aren't going perfect,

245. but why did you leave me?

246. Was it because I left my wet underwear

247. hanging on your wig stand?

248. Wrong, but an interesting concept.

249. Then what was it?

250. The time I took that picture of you on the toilet?

251. That's it. I'm never getting married.

252. Lester, perhaps you'd like

253. to continue this conversation in private.

254. How about if you continued it at home?

255. I'll get your bags.

256. You know what? In fact,

257. forget your bags. We'll mail them to you.

258. Just go, you crazy kids in love!

259. I apologize.

260. This is no way for civilized people

261. to behave in someone else's home.

262. No need to, Helen.

263. It won't happen again.

264. Good.

265. Now shall we just enjoy the rest of Geoffrey's meal?

266. Amen to that.

267. Hilary, would you please ask the adulterer on your right

268. to pass the biscuits?

269. What?

270. Dr. Connors, please.

271. It's her patient Lester.

272. No, not Lester the schizophrenic.

273. Lester,

274. the impotent guy.

275. Yeah, I'll hold.

276. Hello, Anita.

277. That's me, Lester.

278. Ohh.

279. Helen's driving me crazy.

280. I needed to talk to you.

281. No, I didn't tell her about you.

282. You know, I think seeing you was a mistake.

283. I mean, I really like you,

284. and you're really good at what you do,

285. but there's part of me that would prefer a man.

286. Yeah, I guess you're right.

287. It's not about you.

288. It's about me and Helen and...

289. Maybe now isn't such a good time to talk.

290. I'll call you tomorrow.

291. Oh, man.

292. How you trying to play my aunt, man?

293. That's it. I'm feeling froggy.

294. I'm about to leap.

295. But—but hold up.

296. Would you really prefer a man?

297. Wait a minute.

298. Back up, man!

299. You think— Anita's my psychiatrist, will.

300. Oh, yeah, right, and I just won a grammy.

301. Come on. Man-to-man, toe-to-toe.

302. Come on!

303. Will, I understand your anger,

304. and if you want to take out

305. your passive/aggressive feelings towards your absent father on me,

306. then go ahead.

307. Man, you really must be seeing a shrink.

308. Hey, what does it mean when you dream

309. that you're flying through a tunnel on a scud missile?

310. Hey, well, hold up.

311. Aunt Helen saw you going into Anita's house.

312. She thinks y'all knocking boots.

313. What?

314. Yeah.

315. Will, would you turn down the—

316. get away from him, will.

317. You don't owe him anything.

318. I'm the one who signed his name to all your damn birthday cards.

319. Look, aunt Helen, Uncle Lester got something to tell you.

320. The woman he's been seeing,

321. she's no regular woman. She's a doctor.

322. A doctor?

323. Oh, that's good. A doctor.

324. This will give you a reason to see more of her.

325. Who's that?

326. Oh, I'm sorry. Aunt Helen.

327. My shower's broken.

328. Uncle Phil fixed it.

329. Looks like he fixed this door, too.

330. Yo! Somebody let me out!

331. What's up?

332. What's happening?

333. What the hell is going on?

334. Gee, will, where were you

335. when you should've been with two French girls?

336. I was trapped in a bathroom with my naked aunt.

337. Helen...

338. Now that I've got you in a room without books,

339. there's something I've got to tell you.

340. Ain't nobody tellin' me nothin'.

341. Lester, don't make me get ethnic on you!

342. Oh, damn.

343. Woman, would you for once let me do the talking?

344. Now, Anita is a—

345. I bet the hussy has a weave.

346. She's younger than I am, too, isn't she?

347. Anita's my psychiatrist.

348. I've been seeing her since I was passed over

349. for that promotion at the plant.

350. When I missed out on that job, I lost my confidence.

351. Well, I knew you lost something, but...

352. I didn't know it was your confidence.

353. Well, why do you think I started seeing a shrink?

354. Will, cover your ears.

355. Oh. Yes, ma'am.

356. How could you think I was even seeing another woman?

357. Well, you know what they say.

358. If the rooster ain't crowing in the henhouse,

359. he must be cock-a-doodlin' in the barn.

360. Helen, I wasn't cock-a-doodling anywhere.

361. When that job went South, well...

362. My doodle went with it.

363. You know I'm crazy about you, baby.

364. Well, I wish you would have said something.

365. But knowing me, I wouldn't have listened anyway.

366. Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

367. No. I still should have told you about Anita.

368. I'm the one who's sorry.

369. It was worth it if it worked.

370. Did it?

371. Did it work?

372. There's only one way to find out.

373. Uh, guys?

374. Oh!

375. Help me, somebody! Let me out of here!

376. Ohh! They doin' it!

377. I hope you two aren't upset

378. about missing the jazz festival.

379. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

380. What's important is that you and Lester are back together.

381. Right on.

382. Besides, I'm sure it'll never happen again.

383. No,

384. because we love each other too much.

385. No, because we're moving

386. and we're not going to tell you where.

387. Bye, baby.

388. Bye-bye.

389. You take care now. Bye, baby.

390. O.K., Vivian, we got to go.

391. Our reservations are for 7:00.

392. Philip, you know,

393. we so seldom have the house all to ourselves.

394. Instead of going out,

395. why don't we just spend a quiet evening at home?

396. Together, just the two of us.

397. Oh. Sounds good to me.

398. Mmm.

399. Vivian.

400. Hmm?

401. When's the last time we skinny-dipped in the jacuzzi?

402. I don't think it was the 4th of July,

403. but I do remember fireworks.

404. Mmm. I'll get the champagne.

405. You get the nose plugs.

406. All right, they left for dinner.

407. Now, remember, we don't have that much time

408. until they get back.

409. How would you like to see tiny's jacuzzi?

410. Jacuzzi? Ah, oui.

411. But, Monique, we do not have the bathing suits.

412. No problem.

413. Neither do we.

414. Ooh! Ooh!

415. Right this way, ladies.

416. Here, let me turn on the bubbles.

417. Hey, what's up, Uncle Phil?

418. Uncle Phil?

419. Will!

420. Mother!

421. Carlton!

422. Mother!

423. Ooh! Monsieur!

424. Don't make me have to get ecknic on—hoo!

425. Ecknic. Don't make me have to get ecknic on you.

426. You get the champagne.

427. Mm-hmm.

428. I'll get the champagne.

429. Somebody get the damn champagne.

430. Aunt Helen...

431. You're staying at the Howard Johnson...

432. He should really shut up now, but he won't.