The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air 2x2

Directed by Ellen Gittelsohn

Ebony Monique Solomon as Paula Hoover • Tina Lifford as Mrs. Hoover • John Wesley as Dr. Hoover • Rosa Nevin as Francesca

Will and Carlton arrive as reinforcements when a bully challenges Ashley to a rumble, but there's real trouble when Philip and Vivian intervene.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Damn. I can't believe it.

2. The school's, like, three miles away.

3. It took us 45 minutes to get home.

4. I know, sweetheart.

5. Those traffic jams can be so frustrating.

6. It wasn't no traffic. It was Carlton's driving.

7. It was old people in walkers passing us.

8. Look, the fact that I'm safety conscious

9. does not mean I drive like a little old man.

10. Carlton, please, George Burns flipped you the bird.

11. He was waving. The man has arthritis.

12. Hey, look, don't feel bad, Aunt Viv.

13. At least you have two normal daughters.

14. I have been stabbed in the back. Is nothing sacred?

15. - Is there, like, no honor? - Baby, what's the matter?

16. Francesca asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.

17. Ah! There is, like, no God, okay?

18. And?

19. Well, what do you mean, "And?"

20. She expects me to take care of the rice

21. they throw when they leave the church.

22. Like I'm gonna learn how to cook just for her wedding.

23. Aunt Viv, don't feel bad.

24. At least you have one normal daughter.

25. Aunt Viv, I'd say it's about time you started feeling bad.

26. Oh, is Linda Blair down there?

27. Ashley, baby, are you alright?

28. I'm sorry if I disturbed you.

29. I guess the pain was just too much to bear.

30. I'm not surprised, 180 degrees.

31. Yo, take a thousand aspirin, drink fifty gallons of water

32. and stay in bed until Carlton's voice changes.

33. Ashley, baby, now you've been acting strange all day.

34. What's going on?

35. There's this science test tomorrow on the plant kingdom.

36. It's really hard.

37. Honey, all we've ever asked

38. is that you try to do your best.

39. And how are you gonna know what your best is unless you try?

40. Now you go upstairs and study until bedtime.

41. Okay.

42. Whoa! Kids, man, kids.

43. I mean, it's like you love 'em and you love 'em

44. and you love 'em, but sometimes, you know

45. they make you just wanna, ah, pull out your..

46. tongue.

47. Come in.

48. Ashley, what is wrong with you?

49. Look, playing sick by putting a thermometer

50. over a 100-watt light bulb is not the way

51. to solve your problems.

52. The key is a 60-watt light bulb.

53. Thanks, Will, but what I really need to know

54. is how to kick someone's butt.

55. Oh, word up. Carlton getting on your nerves, too?

56. It's not Carlton. It's this girl Paula Hoover.

57. If I don't give her my lunch, she hits me.

58. And tomorrow at three o'clock she's gonna beat me up

59. whether I feed her or not.

60. Well, I happen to know she ain't gonna be beating you up.

61. Why?

62. Did she die?

63. No. I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself. Get up, girl.

64. Come on.

65. Alright, look. Step one.

66. You gotta learn how to take somebody's heart, right?

67. In the old days they used to call it selling woof tickets.

68. She won't buy anything from me, Will.

69. No, no, no. See, a woof ticket is like a threat.

70. See, right? It's all in your attitude. It's like..

71. Say, man! Hey!

72. You don't get out of my face, man, I'm gonna hit you so hard

73. your grandpa gonna get a lump.

74. I will hit you so hard

75. it will bruise your great-grandfather badly.

76. That would be great if you were rumbling Princess Di.

77. Mm, but, no, no, no, try it like this.

78. Say, man, I'm gonna hit you so hard

79. you're gonna land in another zip code!

80. I'm going to hit you so hard

81. you're going to land in another zip code!

82. Moving on, look, the next step

83. is full-scale psychological warfare, right?

84. So you gotta act like you got this tick, right?

85. Like the army did this experiment on you, right

86. that just went terribly wrong.

87. Like, back up! Back up!

88. Mind your business, that's all.

89. Mind your business!

90. Okay. Back up! Back up!

91. Mind your business, that's all. Just mind your business.

92. What the heck is going on here?

93. Hey, sorry, man. Homegirl says she was a Vanilla Ice fan.

94. I kind of lost my head.

95. You expect me to believe that?

96. Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.

97. Now, what's really going on?

98. Paula Hoover's been beating me up

99. so Will's gonna show me how to fight her

100. after school tomorrow.

101. You should be ashamed of yourself, Will.

102. Violence only begets violence.

103. Now, that is not the way you deal with a bully.

104. Now, I have found that as long as you pay them promptly

105. they pretty much leave you alone.

106. I have been, and she still wants to beat me up.

107. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why she has to defend herself.

108. - Put your hands up— - Not so.

109. You and Paula must find a common ground.

110. Remember, "We must never negotiate out of fear

111. but we must never fear to negotiate."

112. John F. Kennedy.

113. But never forget, "Mama Said Knock You Out."

114. LL Cool J.

115. So, Ashley, do you believe that violence is wrong?

116. Ashley, do you believe it's wrong

117. to be this pathetic little wimp?

118. - Yes. - Ahem.

119. Well, n-no.

120. Uh, oh, I don't, I don't know.

121. Can I be alone now?

122. Well, Ashley, no matter whatever happens tomorrow

123. just know that I believe in you.

124. And, Ashley, whatever happens tomorrow

125. know that I believe Carlton is adopted.

126. Why don't you mind your business sometimes, man?

127. Every time I turn my head..

128. I knew she wouldn't show.

129. I don't blame her. I'd whip her bootie.

130. I'd wax her tail. I'd kick her heinie.

131. Oh.

132. Hi, Paula.

133. - Nice shoes. - Are you ready?

134. Oh, okay, but it's only fair I warn you.

135. I'm gonna hit you so hard

136. your grandpa's gonna be great in another area code..

137. Or something.

138. Back up! Back up!

139. Mind your business, that's all. Just mind your business.

140. Hey, if it isn't my cousin, Ashley.

141. What a nice surprise.

142. I should have known you'd call in reinforcements, Banks.

143. And you must be the spawn of Satan.

144. It's-it's, it's just a coincidence, Paula. Honest.

145. Ashley, isn't this a nice surprise?

146. - What are you doing here, man? - I'm her brother!

147. Shh! What do you want, to humiliate the girl?

148. Do you guys mind? Um, I'm beating someone else up at 4:00.

149. Listen, Paula

150. the great Martin Luther King taught us

151. that violence is never the way.

152. We must rise above hate and mend our differences

153. to perseverance and love.

154. Thank you for helping me prove my point.

155. Look, I will turn the other cheek.

156. Running a little low on cheeks there, huh, brah?

157. You cannot make me angry, Paula

158. because if I surrender to anger

159. I have surrendered my very independence.

160. You know, Paula, even the great Martin Luther King

161. probably drew the line somewhere.

162. And it was probably somewhere around that region

163. you were just aiming.

164. Girlfriend, we need to talk.

165. I just got a little bit of a beef with you, you know?

166. You've been messing with my cousin, Ashley, right?

167. I gotta be honest with you, it's kind of ticking me off.

168. Ooh! I'm quaking in my tube socks.

169. She's funny. Hey, look, you know what?

170. This goes against everything that I believe

171. but you're giving me no choice.

172. Give you five bucks, you leave her alone.

173. $50.

174. $50? How are you playing me $50? Come on, $20.

175. - $50. - $50? How are you..

176. Come on, baby, I ain't.. $30.

177. $50.

178. Alright, deal. It's kind of a rough neighborhood.

179. You wanna walk me to my car?

180. I just don't see what's wrong with the dress.

181. Francesca, remember the first day of junior high

182. when you showed up in a reversible poncho?

183. Who hid you under the bleachers?

184. - You did, Hilary. - That's right.

185. Because I care about you.

186. Remember our freshman year?

187. Do I need to bring up the culotte incident?

188. Then I think it's time we stopped the madness.

189. Francesca, this dress, i-it's an abomination.

190. What if we add a dickey?

191. Why don't we just wear Wax Lips?

192. Hilary, you haven't agreed with one thing

193. I've picked for my wedding.

194. Well, I agreed that you should wear white

195. and I think we all know that's a stretch.

196. I guess you're right.

197. So could you help me, please?

198. Well, I guess I could come up with a few tips.

199. Geoffrey, hit the lights.

200. Well, there must be some mistake. Are you certain?

201. Boom!

202. Thank you. I, I appreciate the call.

203. I cannot believe this.

204. - Is everything alright, mom? - Yeah, what's up?

205. Well, that was Ashley's principal.

206. He said Ashley hasn't been to school

207. for the last three days!

208. Now I don't understand this, now Ashley has been

209. going to school every day and coming home at 3:30

210. like she always does!

211. Do you boys know anything about this?

212. - Hi, mommy. - Hi, sweetheart.

213. - How was school today? - Oh, it was great.

214. We had to write an essay in English. I think I aced it.

215. Oh. Well, what did you write about?

216. My neck?

217. You wrote an entire essay on your neck.

218. Well, that is quite impressive, sweetheart

219. since your principal called and said

220. that you have not been at school today

221. yesterday or the day before!

222. Philip, I'm glad you're home.

223. Ashley, Ashley, go for the sympathy.

224. Cry like your life depended on it, then try to throw up.

225. Fine, but if I go down, I am taking both of you with me.

226. You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady.

227. It was Paula Hoover. She was beating me up!

228. Will and Carlton tried to get her to leave me alone

229. but then she started again after Carlton's check bounced.

230. That little extortionist.

231. She promised she wouldn't cash my check until the weekend.

232. A bully is no reason to cut school, Ashley.

233. Uncle Phil, you haven't exactly seen Paula Hoover.

234. Like, picture Mike Tyson in a training bra.

235. Philip, I do not like the sound of this.

236. I think we should talk to the principal.

237. No. I'll be a total outcast.

238. I'll have to eat lunch with the janitor.

239. Honey, we've got to do something.

240. Maybe we should invite Paula's parents over

241. and get to the bottom of this.

242. Yo, word up. I got some boxing gloves, Uncle Phil.

243. You gotta get your own headgear, though.

244. "Let's get ready to rumble!"

245. Oh, Paula's parents get here yet?

246. - No, not yet. - Good.

247. We got a little while for a few last-minute tips.

248. Alright. Check it out. Act like you got this tick, right?

249. Like the army did this experiment on you

250. that just went terribly wrong, right?

251. You be like, "Back up! Back up!

252. "Mind your business, that's all.

253. Mind your business."

254. Will, we're gonna settle things in a civilized manner.

255. That's how adults handle things.

256. Yeah, well, not in my neighborhood.

257. Hey, yo, I got your back, Uncle Phil, man.

258. You better get out of here before I get your butt.

259. Doctor and Mrs. Norbert Hoover.

260. Welcome. I'm Philip and this is my wife, Vivian.

261. - Dr. Hoover. - Mrs. Hoover.

262. And, uh, you must be Paula.

263. Ah, Geoffrey, why don't you take Paula into the kitchen?

264. I bet she would love some of your famous cookies.

265. 'Certainly. Follow me, Ms. Paula.'

266. So, uh, doctor, what kind of a doctor are you?

267. I'm a child psychiatrist.

268. Oh.

269. Now, young ladies, I have some wine to serve.

270. Will you two be able to refrain

271. from battering each other in my absence?

272. No sweat, Lurch.

273. Boo!

274. Still got it.

275. Um, Paula is wonderful. She's really, really adorable.

276. But we are very concerned that she and Ashley

277. do not seem to be getting along.

278. We know, Dr. Hoover and I had a long talk

279. with Paula after you called.

280. Apparently, Ashley has been quite ruthless with her.

281. Well, you can't seriously think it's Ashley's fault.

282. Oh, it's understandable, she's probably just

283. self-conscious about that tick.

284. I'd be happy to prescribe something.

285. But you don't beat up everybody.

286. - Why do you just pick on me? - Larry Wells.

287. You cut in when I was dancing with him after the game.

288. No, no. I didn't want to cut in.

289. Hey, I was dancing with Brad Nelson

290. but he wanted to dance with you

291. so I was stuck with that guy.

292. - I never even knew his name. - Really?

293. - Brad likes me? - Yeah.

294. Wow. If I'd known, I never would have beat up his sister.

295. Ow!

296. So you wanna be friends?

297. As long as you're not after Larry Wells.

298. Larry who?

299. Okay. We're friends.

300. No!

301. Will! Will!

302. Will! Will! Don't! Don't!

303. We're, we're friends now.

304. Oh. Sure you don't want to get a couple sucker punches in there?

305. Your daughter suffers from displaced aggression syndrome.

306. Oh, well, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid

307. I would have to get a second opinion

308. before I could believe that.

309. Oh, it's definitely displaced aggression syndrome.

310. Let me put it in simpler terms.

311. This is where a child acts out the repressed hostility

312. of an unhappy home.

313. And what is that supposed to mean?

314. Oh, too many big words?

315. No, Ms. Thing, but I got a couple of small words for you.

316. Vivian..

317. Hey, hey, good news, people. The girls are—

318. Obviously, your wife is upset.

319. It's common with women in mid-life.

320. I'd be happy to prescribe something.

321. Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree

322. did you find it on the back of a matchbook?

323. Uh, p-please, my humble brothers, please—

324. Penn State, my brother.

325. Really? Good school.

326. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship

327. to Princeton, Yale, Wharton

328. and Talladega Tech had fallen through.

329. Impressive, you must have been quite an athlete

330. in your thinner days.

331. - Okay. Time out. Time out. - Hey, hey.

332. Let's stick to the topic, okay?

333. Fine.

334. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter

335. ought to be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.

336. Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that

337. your daughter suits the criminal profile to a tee

338. right down to the low-sloping forehead

339. and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents.

340. I think you must have her confused with your mama!

341. And that's it, Uncle Phil! You're grounded!

342. You know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that.

343. - Here you go, sweetheart. - Oh.

344. Thank you.

345. I don't believe it, I have never witnessed

346. anything more humiliating in my life.

347. Jilted at the altar.

348. Other than crow's feet, that is the worst thing

349. that can happen to a woman.

350. Francesca was jilted?

351. No, I was talking about me!

352. All that hard work redesigning this dress

353. and that ingrate eloped!

354. And to think I was gracious enough to let her

355. invite her hayseed grandmother.

356. Dad, I hope you don't mind me saying this

357. but it's got to be said.

358. What you did tonight was wrong.

359. Word, I gotta agree with Carlton.

360. Who said that?

361. I thought you said that's how you settled disputes

362. in your old neighborhood.

363. No, no, no, no. See..

364. In my neighborhood we got this sacred code.

365. It's like, "My broski, whatever you want to do

366. "broham, on the left or the right we can do that all night.

367. "But all that old yackety-yak, jawbone

368. "you kicking in the middle, man, you can stop that 'cause I ain't

369. down with that." You see what I'm saying?

370. - No. - Me, neither.

371. Well, that's why it's so sacred.

372. The point is, I was wrong.

373. I lost control.

374. Ashley, baby..

375. In the future

376. I hope you'll do what I say and not what I did.

377. Now even though it felt good hitting that jerk tonight..

378. really, really good..

379. I was wrong.

380. Sometimes what feels good is wrong.

381. Yeah.

382. Everything that feels good is wrong.

383. Everything. Do you understand me?

384. Yes. Yes, o-okay.