The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 2, Episode 2

Directed by Ellen Gittelsohn

Ebony Monique Solomon as Paula Hoover • Tina Lifford as Mrs. Hoover • John Wesley as Dr. Hoover • Rosa Nevin as Francesca

Will and Carlton arrive as reinforcements when a bully challenges Ashley to a rumble, but there's real trouble when Philip and Vivian intervene.

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1. I can't believe it. School's 3 Miles away,

2. and it took 45 minutes to get home.

3. I know, sweetheart.

4. Those traffic jams can be so frustrating.

5. Wasn't no traffic. It's Carlton's driving.

6. There was old people in walkers passing us.

7. Look. The fact that I'm safety conscious

8. does not mean I drive like a little old man.

9. Carlton, please.

10. George burns flipped you the bird.

11. He was waving.

12. The man has arthritis.

13. Hey, don't feel bad, aunt viv.

14. You still have two normal daughters.

15. I have been stabbed in the back.

16. Is nothing sacred?

17. Is there, like, no honor?

18. Baby, what's the matter?

19. Francesca asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.

20. There is, like, no God, o.K.?

21. She expects me to take care

22. Like I'll learn how to cook just for her wedding.

23. Aunt viv, don't feel bad.

24. At least you have one normal daughter.

25. Aunt viv, I'd say it's about time

26. you started feeling bad.

27. captioning made possible by Warner bros. Worldwide television distribution,

28. national broadcasting company, nbc productions, inc., the Coca-Cola company,

29. and 1994 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

30. Yo, is Linda Blair down there?

31. Ashley, baby, are you all right?

32. I'm sorry if I disturbed you.

33. I guess the pain was just too much to bear.

34. I'm not surprised.

35. 180 degrees.

36. Take 1,000 aspirin, drink 50 gallons of water,

37. and stay in bed till Carlton's voice changes.

38. Ashley, you been acting strange all day.

39. What's going on?

40. There's this science test tomorrow

41. on the plant kingdom.

42. It's really hard.

43. All we've ever asked is you try your best.

44. I know.

45. How will you know unless you try?

46. Go upstairs and study.

47. Whoa. Kids, man, kids.

48. I mean, it's like, you love them

49. and love them and love them,

50. but sometimes they make you

51. just want to pull out your...

52. Tongue.

53. Come in.

54. Ashley, what is wrong with you?

55. Playing sick by putting a thermometer

56. over a 100-watt light bulb

57. is not the way to solve your problems.

58. They key is a 60-watt light bulb.

59. Thanks, but I really need to know

60. how to kick someone's butt.

61. Carlton getting on your nerves, too?

62. It's not Carlton. It's this girl— Paula hoover.

63. If I don't give her my lunch, she hits me,

64. and tomorrow she's going to beat me up.

65. She ain't going to beat you up.

66. Why?

67. Did she die?

68. No. I'll teach you how to defend yourself.

69. Get up.

70. Come on.

71. All right. Look.

72. Step 1—you got to learn how to take somebody's heart,

73. known as selling woof tickets.

74. She won't buy anything from me, will.

75. No, no, no. See, a woof ticket is like a threat.

76. It's all in your attitude.

77. Hey! You don't get out of my face,

78. I'll hit you so hard your grandpop gonna get a lump!

79. I will hit you so hard,

80. it will bruise your great-grandfather badly.

81. That would be great if you were rumbling princess di.

82. But, no, no, try it like this.

83. Say man, I'm gonna hit you so hard you gonna land in another zip code.

84. I'm going to hit you so hard, you're going to land another zip-code.

85. Moving on.

86. Look, the next step is full-scale

87. psychological warfare.

88. You got to act like you got this tic.

89. Like the army did this experiment on you

90. that went terribly wrong.

91. You be, like, back up!

92. Mind your business, that's all.

93. Mind your business.

94. O.K.

95. Back up! Back up!

96. Mind your business. That's all.

97. Just mind your business.

98. That's decent.

99. Come on.

100. What the heck is going on?

101. Sorry. Homegirl said she was a vanilla ice fan.

102. I kind of lost my head.

103. You expect me to believe that?

104. Everybody likes vanilla ice.

105. Now, what's really going on?

106. Paula hoover's been beating me up,

107. so will's showing me how to fight.

108. You should be ashamed of yourself, will.

109. Violence only begets violence.

110. That's not the way you deal with a bully.

111. As long as you pay them, they leave you alone.

112. I have been,

113. and she still wants to beat me up.

114. That's why she has to defend herself.

115. Not so. You and Paula must find a common ground.

116. Remember, "we must never negotiate out of fear,

117. but we must never fear to negotiate."

118. John f. Kennedy.

119. But never forget, "mama said knock you out."

120. L.L. Cool j.

121. Ashley, do you believe that violence is wrong?

122. Ashley, do you believe that it's wrong to be this pathetic little whimp?

123. Yes.

124. Well, no. Oh, I don't-I don't know.

125. Can I be alone, now?

126. Well, Ashley, no matter whatever happens tomorrow, just know that, I believe in you.

127. And, Ashley, whatever happens tomorrow, know that I believe, Carlton is adopted.

128. Why don't you mind your business sometimes?

129. I knew she wouldn't show.

130. I don't blame her.

131. I'd whip her Booty.

132. I'd wax her tail. I'd kick her heinie.

133. Oh! Hi, Paula.

134. Nice shoes.

135. Are you ready?

136. Oh, o.K., but it's only fair I warn you.

137. I'm going to hit you so hard,

138. your grandpa's going to be great

139. in another area code.

140. Back up! Back up!

141. Mind your business, that's all.

142. Just mind your business.

143. Hey, if it isn't my cousin Ashley.

144. What a nice surprise.

145. I should have known you'd call in reinforcements.

146. And you must be the spawn of Satan.

147. It's—it's just a coincidence, Paula.

148. Honest.

149. Ashley, isn't this a nice surprise?

150. What are you doing here?

151. I'm her brother.

152. Shh! What you want to humiliate the girl?

153. Do you mind? I'm beating someone else up at 4:00.

154. Listen, Paula,

155. the great Martin Luther King taught us

156. that violence is never the way.

157. We must rise above hate and mend our differences

158. through perseverance and love.

159. Thank you for helping me prove my point.

160. Look. I will turn the other cheek.

161. Running a little low on cheeks, there, huh, bro?

162. You can not make me angry, Paula—

163. because if I surrender to anger,

164. I have surrendered my very independence.

165. Paula, even the great Martin Luther King

166. probably drew the line somewhere.

167. And it was probably somewhere around that region

168. you was just aiming.

169. Girlfriend, we need to talk.

170. I got a little beef with you.

171. You been messing with my cousin Ashley.

172. It's ticking me off.

173. Ooh, I'm quaking in my tube socks.

174. She's funny.

175. Hey, look.

176. This goes against everything I believe,

177. but you giving me no choice.

178. I'll give you 5 bucks,

179. you leave her alone.

180. 50.

181. How you playing me 50?

182. Come on. 20 bones.

183. 50.

184. 50? How you— come on. 30 bones.

185. 50.

186. All right. Deal.

187. It's kind of a rough neighborhood.

188. You want to walk me to my car?

189. I just don't see what's wrong with the dress.

190. Francesca

191. remember the first day of junior high, when you showed up in a reversible poncho?

192. Who hid you under the bleechers?

193. You did, Hillary.

194. That's right. Because I care about you.

195. Remember our freshman year?

196. Do I need to bring up the other incident?

197. I think it's time we stopped the madness.

198. Francesca, this dress...

199. It's an abomination.

200. What if we add a dickey?

201. Why don't we just wear wax lips?

202. You haven't agreed with anything

203. I've picked for my wedding.

204. I agreed you should wear white,

205. and we all know that's a stretch.

206. I guess you're right.

207. So could you help me, please?

208. Guess I could come up with some tips.

209. Geoffrey, hit the lights.

210. Well, there must be some mistake. Are you certain?

211. Boom!

212. Thank you. I appreciate the call.

213. I cannot believe this.

214. Is everything all right, mom?

215. What's up?

216. That was Ashley's principal.

217. Ashley hasn't been to school

218. for the last three days.

219. Now, I don't understand this.

220. Ashley's been going to school every day like she always does.

221. Do you boys know anything about this?

222. Uh, no.

223. Hi, mommy.

224. Hi, sweetheart. How was school today?

225. Oh, it was great.

226. We had to write an essay in English.

227. What did you write about?

228. My neck?

229. You wrote an entire essay on your neck.

230. Well, that's quite impressive,

231. since your principal called and said

232. you have not been at school for three days.

233. Ahh.

234. Philip, I'm glad you're home.

235. Ashley, go for the sympathy.

236. Cry like your life depended on it,

237. then try to throw up.

238. Fine, but if I go down,

239. I'm taking both of you with me.

240. You have a lot of explaining to do.

241. It was Paula hoover.

242. She was beating me up.

243. They tried to make her leave me alone,

244. but she started again

245. after Carlton's check bounced.

246. That little extorionist. She promised she wouldn't cash my check until the weekend.

247. A bully's no reason to cut school.

248. Uncle Phil, you haven't seen Paula.

249. Picture Mike Tyson in a training bra.

250. Philip, I do not like the sound of this, I think we should talk to the principal.

251. No, I'll be a total outkast. I'll have to eat lunch with the janitor.

252. Honey, we got to do something.

253. We should invite Paula's parents over

254. to get to the bottom of this.

255. Yo, I got boxing gloves,

256. but you got to get your own headgear.

257. Let's get ready to rumble!

258. Yo, Paula's parents get here yet?

259. No, not yet.

260. Good. We've got time for some last-minute tips.

261. Act like you got this tic, right?

262. Like the army did this experiment on you

263. that went terribly wrong, right?

264. You be like, back up!

265. Mind your business, that's all.

266. Mind your business.

267. Will, we're going to settle things

268. in a civilized manner.

269. That's how adults handle things.

270. Not in my neighborhood.

271. Yo, I got your back, Uncle Phil.

272. Get out of here before I get your butt.

273. Dr. And Mrs. Norbert hoover.

274. Welcome. I'm Philip

275. and this is my wife Vivian.

276. Dr. Hoover.

277. Mrs. Hoover.

278. And you must be Paula.

279. Uh, Geoffrey, take Paula into the kitchen.

280. I'd bet she'd love some cookies.

281. Certainly, follow me, miss Paula.

282. So, doctor, what kind of a doctor are you?

283. I'm a child psychiatrist.

284. Oh.

285. Now, young ladies, I have some wine to serve.

286. Will you be able to refrain

287. from battering each other in my absence?

288. No sweat, lurch.

289. Boo!

290. Still got it.

291. Paula is wonderful.

292. She's really, really adorable.

293. But we're very concerned

294. that she and Ashley aren't getting along.

295. We know.

296. Dr. Hoover and I had a talk with Paula

297. after you called.

298. Ashley's been quite ruthless with her.

299. You can't think it's Ashley's fault.

300. It's understandable.

301. She's probably just self-conscious

302. about that tic.

303. I'd be happy to prescribe something.

304. You don't beat up everybody.

305. Why do you just pick on me?

306. Larry Wells.

307. You cut in when I was dancing with him.

308. No. I didn't want to cut in.

309. I was dancing with Brad,

310. but he wanted to dance with you,

311. so I was stuck.

312. I never even knew his name.

313. Really? Brad likes me?

314. Yeah.

315. Well, if I'd known,

316. I never would have beat up his sister.

317. Ow.

318. So you want to be friends?

319. As long as you're not after Larry Wells.

320. Larry who?

321. O.K.

322. We're friends.

323. No!

324. Will!

325. Will! Will!

326. Will, don't!

327. Don't! We're— we're friends now.

328. Oh. Sure you don't want to get

329. a couple sucker punches?

330. Your daughter suffers

331. from displaced aggression syndrome.

332. Oh, I'd have to get a second opinion

333. before I could believe that.

334. Oh, it's definitely

335. displaced aggression syndrome.

336. Let me put it in simpler terms.

337. A child acts out repressed hostility

338. of an unhappy home.

339. What's that supposed to mean?

340. Oh, too many big words?

341. No, miss thing,

342. but I've got a couple of small words for you.

343. Vivian.

344. Good news, people. The girls—

345. obviously, your wife is upset.

346. It's common with women in midlife.

347. I'd be happy to prescribe something.

348. Dr. Hoover,

349. the school where you got your degree—

350. did you find it on the back of a matchbook?

351. Please, my humble brothers—

352. penn state, my brother.

353. Really? Good school.

354. I was thinking of going there

355. if my scholarships to Princeton, Yale,

356. and Talladega tech had fallen through.

357. Impressive.

358. You must have been quite an athlete in your thinner days.

359. O.K., time out.

360. Hey, hey.

361. Let's stick to the topic, o.K.?

362. Fine. Speaking as a doctor,

363. your daughter should be institutionalized.

364. Well, speaking as a lawyer,

365. your daughter suits the criminal profile to a "t,"

366. right down to the sloping forehead

367. and the wide jaw

368. suitable for grains and small rodents.

369. You have her confused with your mama.

370. Ooh!

371. Philip!

372. That's it, Uncle Phil. You're grounded!

373. You know, I'd be happy

374. to prescribe something for that.

375. Here you go, sweetheart.

376. Oh, thank you.

377. Ohh.

378. Ooh.

379. I don't believe it.

380. I've never witnessed anything more humiliating—

381. jilted at the altar.

382. Other than crows' feet,

383. that's the worse thing

384. that can happen to a woman.

385. Francesca was jilted?

386. No. I was talking about me.

387. All that work redesigning this dress,

388. and that ingrate eloped.

389. And to think I was gracious enough

390. to let her invite her hayseed grandmother.

391. Dad, this has got to be said.

392. What you did tonight was wrong.

393. Word. I got to agree with Carlton.

394. Who said that?

395. I thought you said

396. that's how you settled disputes

397. in your old neighborhood.

398. No. In my neighborhood,

399. we got this sacred code.

400. It's like, "my broski,

401. "whatever you wanna do left and right,

402. "we can do all night,

403. "but all that yackety-yak jawbone—

404. I ain't down with that."

405. See what I'm saying?

406. No.

407. Me, neither.

408. That's why it's so sacred.

409. The point is I was wrong.

410. I lost control.

411. Ashley, baby.

412. In the future,

413. I hope you'll do what I say

414. and not what I did.

415. Even though it felt good

416. hitting that jerk tonight—

417. really, really good...

418. I was wrong.

419. Sometimes what feels good is wrong.

420. Yeah...

421. Everything that feels good is wrong.

422. Everything! Do you understand me?

423. Yes. Yes. O-o.K.