1. today, sir, I thought
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2. we might begin the day
with an aspirin,
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3. preventative medicine
being so much the mode.
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4. It's too late,
Geoffrey.
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5. I already
have a headache
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6. just anticipating
that infernal hammering
at the office.
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7. I thought the
workmen would be done by
yesterday.
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8. Shockingly enough, Vivian,
they're behind schedule.
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9. Dad, it's so obvious.
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10. If all that hammering
is bothering you,
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11. tell them to quit it.
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12. I don't even want
to talk about it.
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13. This is the only quiet
I'll have all day.
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14. another aspirin, sir?
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15. Perhaps a gun.
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16. What the devil
is he doing up there?
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17. I got the power
by snap.
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18. Snap is a great band.
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19. Well, when crackle and pop
cut a disk,
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20. then call me.
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21. What's so funny?
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22. Carlton
told a joke.
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23. No, no, no, hilary.
Carlton is a joke.
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24. Mommy, who's taking me
to my tennis lesson
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25. after school today?
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26. Is it tennis today,
sweetie?
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27. Maybe you better
check your schedule.
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28. Schedule?
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29. My parents
bought this calendar
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30. so I could keep
my lessons straight.
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31. Didn't you have a schedule
for after school?
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32. Yeah—the TV guide.
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33. See, Monday's for ballet,
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34. Tuesday's riding,
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35. Wednesday's violin.
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36. Oops.
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37. I thought today
was violin,
sweetie pie.
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38. You mean Ashley would have shown
up for her violin lesson
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39. in her tennis outfit?
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40. Oh. I just
pictured it.
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41. Well,
I'm 2 for 2.
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42. I'm going to quit
while I'm ahead.
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43. Can I suggest retirement?
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44. Ouch. Keep 'em
coming, will.
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45. So, mommy, who's
going to drive me?
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46. Hilary?
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47. There's a growing pollution
problem in this city,
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48. and I will not
contribute to it.
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49. I absolutely refuse to
drive anybody anywhere
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50. until a responsible
carpool is organized.
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51. But, hilary, Ashley
is in a carpool.
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52. Well, I just don't
want to do it, o.K.?
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53. I have an idea.
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54. Will, you don't have
any chores this afternoon.
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55. You can drive Ashley.
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56. Word up. Kick over
the keys to the jag.
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57. The benzito?
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58. The station wagon.
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59. Come on. You're going
to ruin my rep.
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60. You're only 17.
You don't have a rep yet.
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61. You will drive her
to her class
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62. and wait for her.
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63. I got to sit through a hour
of scratchy violins?
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64. Will, you might
learn something.
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65. The same thing I learned
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66. from banging my head
against a pole—
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67. don't do it again.
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68. This is your new job.
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69. Wednesdays
you are Ashley's driver.
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70. Understood?
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71. Y-y-yes'm.
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72. I'll be more than happy
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73. to drive you
to the piggly-wiggly,
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74. miss Daisy.
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75. I'm sorry.
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76. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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77. Ladies, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
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78. Let's try
something different.
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79. Everybody just repeat
after me, o.K.?
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80. ho! Ho!
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81. Say ho ho!
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82. Ho ho!
Ho ho!
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83. Now everybody
scream!
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84. Aah!
Aah!
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85. come, girls!
You are late.
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86. Now, let's begin
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87. with the piece
you were to memorize
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88. from stravinsky's
violin concerto in d minor.
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89. And remember,
you are playing this
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90. for a woman who was the
great stravinsky's lover.
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91. 1, 2, 3, 4.
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92. 1, 2, 3, 4.
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93. Faster, faster,
faster, faster.
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94. Stop.
Stop.
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95. You there.
What you do here?
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96. Um... I'm
Ashley's cousin.
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97. I-I was just waiting
to drive her home.
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98. Hey, you make me kinda' nervous
with that stick lady.
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99. You dare to read while great
stravinski is played?
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100. I wasn't as tight
with the man as you are.
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101. Hah, do not attempt
to make joke with me.
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102. I was lover of both
lowe and Hardy.
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103. Guess that look really
works for you then.
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104. Ash,
that was decent
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105. to listen to that
kind of music
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106. without seeing Freddy
krueger kill somebody.
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107. I'm glad
somebody enjoys it.
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108. What, don't you?
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109. Well, not yet,
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110. but when I'm older,
it will be useful to me.
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111. No, wait.
That's tennis.
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112. Who told you that?
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113. My dad.
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114. Just 'cause your dad
likes something,
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115. you don't have to.
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116. He likes being a lawyer.
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117. You don't have to be.
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118. I am going
to be a lawyer.
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119. Ash, the world doesn't
need another Philip banks.
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120. In fact, we might not
have enough farmland
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121. to support
the one we have.
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122. No. The world needs
an Ashley banks.
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123. Girls, you must remember
to practice more, no?
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124. Violin is very jealous,
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125. much like the sexy
toscanini.
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126. If you even look at another,
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127. it will not speak to you
for days,
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128. but if you give
all of yourselves,
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129. it will fulfill
your every need
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130. and set your very soul
on fire.
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131. What does she mean
by that?
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132. Well, let's just say
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133. the lady
expects a lot
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134. from a piece of wood
and some strings.
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135. Geo—
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136. your aspirin, sir.
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137. Thank you, Geoffrey.
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138. Do you attribute
your headaches, sir,
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139. solely to the
ongoing construction
in your office,
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140. or do you suppose
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141. there might be
a stress factor
involved?
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142. This is how my day
went, Geoffrey.
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143. At 9:00,
they were pounding.
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144. At 10:00, they were
jackhammering.
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145. By noon,
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146. a pneumatic drill
came into play.
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147. And, Geoffrey,
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148. they were
just repainting
the office.
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149. I'd say that's
cause for stress,
wouldn't you?
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150. Mmm.
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151. You know, sir,
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152. the Earl of cranbrook,
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153. to whom I was in service
for several years,
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154. suffered from the most
severe headaches.
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155. And you're saying
these were caused
by stress?
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156. I should very much
doubt it.
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157. He spent his days
riding to the hounds
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158. and his evenings
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159. attending rather pleasant
dinner parties
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160. with his delightful wife
lady Celia.
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161. Now...
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162. She was a terribly good
snooker player,
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163. one of the best,
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164. and one night,
she bet—
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165. Geoffrey.
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166. Where does
the stress come in?
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167. Well, it certainly doesn't
in lord cranbrook's case.
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168. I never saw
a calmer household.
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169. Then what was the
point of the story,
Geoffrey?
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170. Sheer entertainment,
sir.
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171. What the devil
was that?
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172. I believe
the technical term
is a rim shot.
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173. Who did it?
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174. Utter speculation,
of course,
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175. but my guess
is master William.
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176. Will.
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177. Will!
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178. Will!
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179. Will!
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180. Vivian.
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181. Ashley, honey...
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182. Where
is your violin?
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183. Big sal has it.
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184. Big sal?
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185. He owns this store
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186. where you don't
need any money.
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187. You give him something
you don't want anymore,
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188. and he gives you
this ticket.
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189. A pawnshop?
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190. You took her
to a pawnshop?
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191. It was really hard, too.
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192. You don't have
many pawnshops in bel-air.
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193. That's really a shame.
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194. I had to go to east L.A.
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195. East L.A.?
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196. But they gave me
a great deal.
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197. They gave you
a drum set.
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198. And...
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199. A gift for each of you.
Close your eyes.
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200. Vivian!
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201. I want my present.
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202. O.K. Open.
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203. Oh, will, what a lovely
antique necklace.
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204. What is this?
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205. Daddy,
it's a diamond.
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206. No, it isn't.
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207. You don't like it?
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208. No, I do not.
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209. Can I have it?
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210. How dare you
pawn her violin.
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211. She don't even
like playing it.
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212. She will learn
to like it.
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213. A young woman
who plays a violin
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214. is an accomplished
lady.
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215. A girlie that
can play the drums
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216. can write
her own ticket.
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217. Will,
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218. I want the best
for Ashley.
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219. When I was a kid,
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220. I loved
classical music,
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221. but my parents
couldn't afford
lessons.
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222. I'd stand
in the parking lot
of the philharmonic
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223. hoping to catch
a spare note.
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224. Philip, when I met you,
you were into James brown.
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225. He liked
James brown?
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226. He even wore
his hair like him.
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227. He had hair?
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228. You know,
it is possible
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229. to like both classical music
and James brown.
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230. I could not
agree more,
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231. so let's let Ashley
play whatever she wants.
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232. She spent an entire year
on the violin.
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233. If she wants to try
something new, let her.
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234. You tell him, aunt viv.
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235. And as for you,
young man—
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236. love you.
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237. The next time
you decide to visit
a pawnshop,
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238. don't.
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239. Are we
clear on that?
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240. Yes.
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241. Ahem.
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242. Master William,
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243. there is
a young gentleman
downstairs
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244. with a rather large
radio
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245. who is here
to see you.
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246. He claims
his name is jazz.
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247. Yo, word up.
Send him up.
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248. Now who is
this jazz fellow?
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249. I heard the boy
at a club.
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250. I hope
he'll be Ashley's
new music teacher.
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251. He's not as experienced
as madame chatchka,
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252. but then, who is?
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253. Mr. Jazz.
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254. It's nice to meet you,
jazz.
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255. How do you do?
I'm Mr. Banks.
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256. You got that right.
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257. Man, you're loaded!
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258. Yo, what's up, j?
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259. Come on, Philip.
Let's just
leave them alone.
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260. I asked him to take her
to her lesson—
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261. I know, baby.
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262. Tell mama
all about it.
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263. Hey, shove over. Let jazz
get busy one time.
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264. Oh, yeah!
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265. Oh, play two stick.
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266. Tell it shoobooty
on the far side. Hey!
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267. Hey!
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268. Hey!
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269. Hey!
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270. So Carlton, how's the
soccer scene?
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271. Well, I may be moving up
from j.V to varsity but—
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272. Am I the only one
who find this drumming
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273. inappropriate for high tea?
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274. I can't take
another week of this.
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275. From morning
until night,
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276. all I hear is this
relentless, pulsating,
thumping beat.
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277. I'm going to
the hard rock cafe.
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278. Hilary.
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279. Stay.
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280. We are having tea.
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281. It's a civilized way
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282. for me to have
a conversation
with my family,
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283. so someone talk.
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284. I want her
severely punished.
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285. It was the only time
jazz could give her
a lesson.
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286. Vivian,
stop calling him that.
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287. But that's his name.
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288. It is not.
It can't be.
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289. These kids
like to make up
their own names.
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290. Let them.
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291. O.K.
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292. Fine.
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293. From now on, I'm
no longer Philip banks.
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294. Just call me
king Edward iv.
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295. As you wish,
your majesty.
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296. Humor, sir.
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297. Dad, I'm as liberal
as the next guy,
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298. but it's time
for someone
to take the reins.
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299. High tea has been
a weekly tradition
in our family
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300. as long
as I can remember.
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301. If we let will
ruin this for us,
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302. what's next to go?
Christmas?
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303. I can't
answer that question
for you, son.
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304. Ask your mother.
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305. Oh, come on, you two.
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306. High tea is not
a sacred institution.
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307. Ahem.
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308. It's not the tea.
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309. It's not the drums.
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310. It's Ashley.
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311. I've spent nine years
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312. trying to raise
a proper young lady,
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313. and will's undoing
all my work in a week.
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314. Ashley, honey,
come down here!
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315. What
are you doing?
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316. He's punishing her.
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317. I just want her
to spend time
with her family.
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318. Same thing.
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319. What is all this yelling
about downstairs?
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320. We are trying to give
a music lesson upstairs.
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321. Work with me, people,
please?
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322. You've been practicing
all afternoon.
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323. That is the only way
she'll become a star.
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324. This young lady
has the drive, the look,
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325. and the intelligence
to get to the top,
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326. but she won't be
on yo! Mtv raps
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327. if you all
don't work with me.
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328. Practice
is over, will.
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329. Ashley, honey,
it's teatime.
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330. Ooh, tea.
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331. Biscuits!
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332. Geoffrey, put on our
teatime music, please.
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333. You'll love this, honey.
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334. It's
Brandenberg concertos.
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335. Hey, jazz, hit me
with some sugar, man.
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336. How about
a little milk?
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337. No. I'll get it.
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338. I thought
this was sterling.
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339. It's got that
certain weight to it.
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340. Ah.
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341. Yes, yes.
This is my favorite part.
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342. Ashley, honey,
this is possibly
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343. the most beautiful music
ever written.
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344. Would someone
turn it up for me,
please?
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345. Jazz, crank that up.
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346. Oh, yes.
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347. Oh, yes. Listen.
Listen, darling.
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348. Listen to the violins.
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349. Beautiful.
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350. Oh.
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351. The oboes
will be coming next.
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352. Aah!
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353. Geoffrey, tell miss Ashley
I'd like to speak to her.
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354. Right away, sir.
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355. Philip, I know
you're upset,
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356. but I want you
to stay calm.
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357. I'm calm.
I'm happy.
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358. I'm in control.
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359. You see Vivian..
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360. I had lost control.
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361. Lost control?
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362. You drop kicked a human being
across our front lawn.
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363. It felt good, damnit.
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364. I'm back in the saddle again.
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365. You know, I think living down
the street from the Regan's has
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366. had a very bad
effect on you.
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367. Will, your Uncle
just wanted
to speak with Ashley.
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368. No. Let him stay.
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369. I want him
to hear this, too.
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370. I hope this
isn't going to be
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371. one of those Theo moments.
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372. Ashley, honey...
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373. Sit down.
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374. Ashley, baby...
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375. Through no fault
of your own,
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376. things went down
a very wrong path
this week,
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377. but luckily,
your daddy has put it
all back together.
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378. You're going to return
to the violin.
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379. I've called
madame chatchka.
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380. She'll give you
a make-up lesson.
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381. You caught her
on one of her
rare free nights.
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382. Will, please?
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383. I think
we've all lost sight
Copy !req
384. of the most
important thing—
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385. what's best for Ashley.
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386. It's not what's
best for Ashley.
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387. You're trying
to control her.
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388. She's 9 years old,
Copy !req
389. and she's
got a calendar
Copy !req
390. telling her
what to do.
Copy !req
391. But she doesn't have
to worry about that anymore
Copy !req
392. because now you tell her
what to do, right?
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393. There's only one thing
wrong—
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394. you're not her father.
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395. You didn't know
she doesn't like
the violin.
Copy !req
396. She liked it
before you moved in.
Explain that.
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397. I never liked it,
daddy.
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398. That explains it.
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399. If you ask her,
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400. she'll tell you
she wants
to play drums.
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401. I don't like the drums
either.
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402. See? See? Now
you confused her.
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403. I'm not confused.
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404. I just didn't want
to disappoint you,
will.
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405. And I didn't
want to disappoint
you, daddy.
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406. Now hold on.
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407. Now let's
get this straight.
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408. Ashley, you don't
have to please will,
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409. and you don't have
to please your father.
Copy !req
410. You just continue
the lessons
you like best.
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411. You mean it, mommy?
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412. Absolutely, sweetheart.
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413. Then I want
to quit ballet.
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414. Ballet? Honey, no.
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415. Oh, thanks, mom!
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416. But you look so cute
in that little tutu.
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417. Oh, I really
hate it, mommy.
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418. But, Ashley, honey,
just until Christmas?
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419. Do you believe that?
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420. She wants
to quit everything.
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421. I know.
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422. These kids today
have no attention span.
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423. I blame television.
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