The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 1, Episode 19

Vivica A. Fox as Janet • DJ Jazzy Jeff as Jazz • Lisa Fuller as Toni • Carol-Ann Jeffers as Gia

Will has girl problems after a date with Jazz's domineering sister, who's ready to pick out a china pattern before the night is over.

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1. 163?

2. Oh, this whole page is wrong.

3. Geoffrey.

4. Miss Ashley, I'm trying to keep this place tidy.

5. Lord Fowler and his daughter lady Penelope,

6. will be here soon.

7. Why are you nervous?

8. Lord Fowler gave me my first job

9. as a full-fledged Butler.

10. And he's very important in britain.

11. Oh. Well, I wouldn't want to embarrass you.

12. British people have really good manners.

13. I used to be intimidated by the British.

14. I thought they were superior

15. in taste, style, and breeding.

16. Then I saw Benny hill.

17. Master Carlton.

18. First of all,

19. I like Benny hill.

20. Secondly, while lord Fowler is here,

21. keep wisecracks like that to yourself.

22. During his stay,

23. I want all of you children

24. to maintain an air of quiet dignity.

25. Geoffrey, mon.

26. Do da limbo with me.

27. This is precisely what cannot happen

28. when lord Fowler arrives.

29. Yo, g. What's my name?

30. The prince, right?

31. I know how to deal with royalty.

32. Don't worry. I'll be at the peak of schweppervescence.

33. You be the English dude.

34. Very well.

35. Please to meet you, William.

36. And I am honored to meet you, lord Fowler.

37. Ow!

38. aunt Vivian.

39. Beautiful American woman.

40. What you tinkin' you're up to, boy?

41. Check it out, aunt viv.

42. Ziggy Marley's in concert next weekend.

43. Can I use the car?

44. Where's the concert?

45. Just around the corner.

46. Where?

47. Nevada.

48. Forget it, baby.

49. Uncle Phil, mon.

50. You are generous, fair-minded,

51. and very, very sexy.

52. Will, you have your allowance.

53. For that, I am very thankful.

54. He wants to drive to see Ziggy Marley

55. in Nevada.

56. That's an easy one.

57. No.

58. Why not?

59. When you take that car to a concert,

60. something happens to it.

61. Like what?

62. A mysterious dent, a broken taillight,

63. a mural of nia peeples painted on the side.

64. I swear, that was there when I got in it.

65. You're not responsible enough

66. to drive to Nevada.

67. If I can prove to you I'm responsible,

68. can I go?

69. Sounds like a low-risk proposition.

70. You're on.

71. That's lord Fowler.

72. Lord Fowler.

73. Geoffrey.

74. And lady Penelope.

75. My, you look lovely.

76. Thank you, Geoffrey.

77. And this is Mr. And Mrs. Banks.

78. Very nice to meet you.

79. How was your flight?

80. Choppy and quite long.

81. The food was horrid.

82. The movie was a dreadful bore.

83. I wouldn't want to make that journey too often.

84. No, I should think not.

85. Won't you come in?

86. Philip, why are you talking like that?

87. Like what?

88. That ridiculous British accent.

89. Whenever you're around an English person,

90. you slip right into it.

91. The first three months Geoffrey was here,

92. I could barely understand you.

93. What are you talking about?

94. Sir, madam. Care to join us for tea?

95. Right-o.

96. Lady Penelope.

97. Wow. It must be great being a lady.

98. Spending all your time shopping,

99. sitting around being waited on hand and foot.

100. I wonder what that would be like.

101. One can only imagine.

102. Actually, I go to a small convent school.

103. The nuns work us hard.

104. We scrub the floors and cook the meals.

105. Ew. What a gyp.

106. We're looking forward to taking you to dinner.

107. Splendid. At dinner, I can tell you

108. about the new bills pending before parliament.

109. We've made some fascinating strides

110. in maritime legislation.

111. I'll go into greater details at dinner.

112. Is tonight a school night?

113. No. I already thought of that.

114. I hope I'm not being terribly rude,

115. but I wanted to see the opera tonight.

116. I don't want you out alone

117. in a strange city.

118. You'll need an escort.

119. An escort.

120. You mean a responsible escort.

121. A young man who could take lady Penelope out tonight

122. and return her home safe and sound.

123. The same young man who could be trusted

124. to drive to a Ziggy Marley concert in Nevada.

125. Well, I suppose so.

126. Would you really take me, will?

127. Oh, absolutely.

128. If it's all right with Uncle Phil.

129. O.K., will.

130. Take lady Penelope to the opera.

131. Opera? I thought she said Oprah.

132. Spiderman comics,

133. watchman,

134. gibba, gibba, goobers,

135. raisinets.

136. What are you doing?

137. Uh, packing.

138. Where do you think you're going?

139. To the opera.

140. What did I do with my spitball straw?

141. Now, you just listen to me,

142. you irresponsible vagabond.

143. I want you on your best behavior tonight.

144. No. Let me revise that.

145. I want you on a normal person's best behavior.

146. Ooh, Mr. Belve-sneer.

147. The whole point

148. is to prove that I'm responsible.

149. It can't be hard.

150. I'll take her to the opera,

151. cop a few zs,

152. bring her back home.

153. This weekend I'm with Ziggy.

154. I just hope you recognize

155. the seriousness of the task at hand.

156. Why are you tripping?

157. She's just a girl.

158. Just a girl?

159. Master William,

160. if 895 members of the royal family instantly died,

161. she would be the next queen of england.

162. Now, where does that put me?

163. Father, have a lovely time.

164. Thank you, my dear.

165. Enjoy the opera.

166. I shall.

167. I always find the opera so uplifting.

168. Goodbye, Geoffrey.

169. Goodbye, lady Penelope.

170. Master William.

171. Remember what I said.

172. Goodbye, father dear.

173. I shall miss you.

174. I thought the old buzzard would never leave.

175. Will, got a smoke?

176. Excuse me?

177. I've been dying for a cigarette all day.

178. Nah, I don't have any cigarettes.

179. You shouldn't smoke.

180. It's bad for you.

181. Oh, sod off, mother superior.

182. Hey, don't nobody call me a mother nothin'.

183. What's up with you?

184. Who you, Dr. Jekyll and Patty Duke?

185. Will, don't be such a wanker.

186. I only put on that innocent schoolgirl routine

187. for the old man.

188. Routine?

189. You've been lying to the lord?

190. I always say I want to go to the opera,

191. knowing he detests it.

192. Then I hit the clubs.

193. How about the meat hook?

194. The meat hook?

195. That's the roughest bar in L.A.

196. That's what lady cecily said. Let's go.

197. Wait. Wait. Baby, you ain't going nowhere.

198. Geoffrey put me in charge of you.

199. So shake your royal Booty up them steps.

200. You can't boss me around.

201. You're not a nun.

202. Hold it. See, that's where you made your mistake.

203. See, I'm a plainclothes nun.

204. Yeah, that's right. They call me sister sledge.

205. Oh, pooh. I hate you.

206. You've just ruined my whole night.

207. You've ruined everything.

208. Man, this babysitting thing is easy.

209. Hey! Lady, come back with my car!

210. Uh!

211. Ah!

212. Yo, man. Should I get the bouncer?

213. I am the bouncer.

214. Keep your eyes on the red queen.

215. 10 will get you 20.

216. Who saw it?

217. Don't be shy.

218. 10 will get you 20.

219. Aw.

220. Will. Awfully glad you could make it.

221. Feel lucky? 10 will get you 20.

222. No way. We're out of here.

223. Forget it.

224. The people here are so interesting.

225. Yeah. I think I saw that guy on unsolved mysteries.

226. Look. Lady Penelope,

227. we are going home.

228. Oh, no, I'm not.

229. Oh, I'm mad about this song.

230. Dance with me, will.

231. I'm not dancing with you.

232. Loosen up, homes.

233. Come on. Get up and dance.

234. Shake your moneymaker.

235. I got a Ziggy Marley concert on the line.

236. Let's go.

237. You can't touch this.

238. Go, lady!

239. Go, lady!

240. Go, lady!

241. Go, lady!

242. Go, lady!

243. Go, lady!

244. Get down from here.

245. Hi, Otis.

246. Hey, punk. You're dancing with my woman.

247. You got it all wrong.

248. I'm trying to get her to go home with me.

249. I'll bet you are.

250. Man, what are you, crazy?

251. Back up!

252. Back up!

253. So that brings us up to 1907,

254. which in maritime law circles

255. has come to be known

256. as the year of the trout.

257. I saw that sweater first.

258. Excuse me.

259. Lord Fowler.

260. Wasn't there quite a row

261. in the house of lords in 1912

262. when they repealed the tuna laws?

263. Geoffrey, that's a very long story.

264. It all began in 1910.

265. Sir, before you continue,

266. would anyone care for anything?

267. A lobotomy.

268. Well, perhaps a drop of Sherry, Geoffrey.

269. So, anyway,

270. as I was saying,

271. I recently came upon

272. a very interesting article on the subject...

273. Hoo.

274. Hoo.

275. Meow.

276. Me-ow!

277. Ooh, ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah ah ah ah.

278. 1910 brought a tuna shortage

279. to the Southern shores of cornwall,

280. penzance in particular.

281. The vote, which should interest you,

282. was as follows—

283. d.E. Chesterton,

284. yea,

285. sir Rudolf tetherbury...

286. Master William.

287. What are you doing here?

288. Why aren't you with lady Penelope at the opera?

289. Opera? G., she's never seen an opera before.

290. She's been fronting the whole time.

291. How dare you besmirch

292. a British lady's reputation.

293. G., the lady is a tramp.

294. She stole the car,

295. she snuck out to the roughest bar in town,

296. then she hooked up with a human Godzilla.

297. Master William, are you telling me the truth?

298. I swear on a stack of TV guides.

299. If we don't bring her home safe and sound,

300. lord Fowler will never forgive me.

301. Your Uncle will lose faith in me.

302. I'll never work again,

303. and my career will be ruined.

304. Can we try to keep this in perspective, g.?

305. I'm not going to get to see Ziggy.

306. We must go to that bar and get her.

307. To the Batmobile.

308. Shame on lady Penelope.

309. When she was a little girl,

310. I always told her there is no excuse for lying.

311. Milord, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

312. My cousin roddy has just been suddenly struck with malaria.

313. I must go to quarantine immediately.

314. Yo, g., this is a rough crowd.

315. Watch what you say here.

316. What do you mean, thank you?

317. G.

318. Lady p. Was with him.

319. But where's lady Penelope?

320. He could be hiding her in his fist.

321. I shall have to have a word with him.

322. Careful, g.

323. Not to worry. I know how to handle his sort.

324. Ahem.

325. What have you done with lady Penelope,

326. you knuckle-dragging swine?

327. She's gone.

328. Gone?

329. Yeah.

330. She broke up with me.

331. Where is she?

332. Really, I don't know.

333. She said she wanted to go for a ride,

334. so I put her on my bike.

335. I turned around to spit,

336. and then she took off on my harley.

337. Man, I know how you feel.

338. We better keep looking.

339. Nonsense. The man's a liar.

340. Tell us what you've done with lady Penelope,

341. or I shall be forced to thrash you.

342. Don't press him, g.

343. You saw what he did to Tokyo.

344. Don't worry, master William.

345. In my youth,

346. I was quite a greco-Roman wrestler.

347. Yaah!

348. Yaah! Aah!

349. G., how are we going to tell lord Fowler

350. we lost his daughter?

351. I'll break the news, master William.

352. You're young.

353. You have your whole life ahead of you.

354. It's best I bear the brunt of the punishment.

355. You got a point there. Good luck.

356. Geoffrey, how's your cousin?

357. I regret to tell you,

358. I have no cousin roddy.

359. Damn malaria.

360. No. You don't understand.

361. What I'm about to tell you

362. is very difficult to say.

363. Oh, Geoffrey, it's not more gambling debts, is it?

364. I thought we had that productive chat.

365. Sir, it isn't that.

366. It's about this evening.

367. And I have to accept full responsibility.

368. G., I can't let you go out like this.

369. This is all my fault.

370. Why aren't you at the opera with lady Penelope?

371. My plan was to take her to the opera

372. and return her home safe and sound.

373. But lady Penelope had other plans.

374. Hello, all. I had a smashing time tonight.

375. How was the opera?

376. It was the most wonderful opera I've seen.

377. Why wasn't will there?

378. Oh, but he was.

379. He was the perfect escort.

380. Around the third act,

381. will was fading, so I let him go.

382. He left me with enough cab fare.

383. Thank you so much, will.

384. You're good.

385. What's all the fuss about?

386. Will made it up to the third act,

387. which is more than I could have done.

388. Opera. I can't imagine anything more boring.

389. I can.

390. Geoffrey, I'm surprised at you,

391. getting all hot and bothered

392. just because the boy ducked out early.

393. It's nothing compared with your old exploits.

394. There's no need to go into that, milord.

395. You were once caught in the gazebo

396. after that Randy game of strip croquet.

397. But I've told enough stories for one evening.

398. No, no. I want to hear this one.

399. No, no. It's late.

400. Perhaps next visit.

401. No. Now. We've earned it.

402. No.

403. No. I'm sorry.

404. That's the mark of a great storyteller—

405. always leave them wanting more.

406. Good night, Geoffrey.

407. Night-night, will.

408. Next time I'm in town,

409. we'll have to go to the ballet.

410. Yeah. I'm looking forward to that.

411. Well, will, you certainly proved that you're responsible.

412. That's right.

413. You took lady Penelope out,

414. and you brought her back just like you promised.

415. Yep. Just like I promised.

416. So you can use the car next weekend.

417. Thanks a lot, Uncle Phil.

418. Just one thing, will,

419. out of curiosity.

420. Since that explanation that lady Penelope rattled off

421. was obviously a complete crock,

422. what really did happen tonight?

423. Well...

424. You should sit down.

425. It's going to be a long story.

426. Oh, no. No, no, no. Never mind.

427. Enjoy the concert.