The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 1, Episode 18

Directed by Jeff Melman

Virginia Capers as Hattie Banks • Shaun Baker as Bystander • Gregory Alan Williams as Security Guard • Tom Holiday as Handsome Man

Will sneaks Philip's elderly mother out of the house for a night on the town.

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1. Ahem.

2. Mr. Jazz.

3. Yo, what up, huh?

4. Homefry!

5. Pssshh.

6. Will's in the kitchen.

7. I can wait.

8. Why don't you sit down a little closer?

9. Don't mind if I do.

10. Will you just get away from me?

11. I love a woman who's hard to get.

12. In that case I want to marry you and have your child.

13. I'm down with that, too.

14. Sorry, jazz.

15. That's ok.

16. I got a great view of her runnin' out.

17. Yo, what up, j?

18. Yo, prince, I need a favor.

19. Anything, man.

20. How many times you helped me?

21. Seven.

22. What do you need?

23. A date.

24. Say no more!

25. I want you to date my sister.

26. Ooh! Say a lot more.

27. She just moved here.

28. She hasn't had a date yet.

29. She really needs a man.

30. But does she look good?

31. Sure she does.

32. Good looks run in my family.

33. O.K. Jazz, um...

34. I'd do anything for you.

35. You're like a brother to me,

36. so your sister is like my sister, not my girlfriend.

37. If it doesn't work out,

38. it could jeopardize our friendship.

39. I'm willing to take that risk.

40. Yeah, well, brother, I have to give it some serious thought.

41. Can I bring her by just to meet you?

42. Yeah, that's chill.

43. Cool. Tonight, 8:00 sharp,

44. and try and smell good.

45. Yo, big boy, give your sweet mama some sugar.

46. o.K., I did my budget.

47. Good. Let me see.

48. This is the amount I made last week.

49. These were my expenses.

50. I spent five times more than I made.

51. This budget thing is pretty easy.

52. Yo, g! Chill, man!

53. Whatever you do, don't open that door.

54. Please, lord, tell me it isn't the police.

55. No, no. It's my boy jazz.

56. Mmm. Much worse.

57. Hey, g, 10 bucks says I ain't home.

58. It doesn't quite say it loudly enough.

59. Do I hear 15?

60. G, you'd do a brother like that?

61. My life's at stake.

62. I took that into consideration.

63. Why don't you want to see jazz?

64. He's trying to set me up with his sister.

65. Jazz has a sister?

66. Nice to meet you... Dad.

67. Mr. Jazz and miss Janet.

68. Well, prince, here she is.

69. Janet, will. Will, Janet.

70. Y-you don't have a goatee.

71. Excuse me?

72. Hi. I'm Vivian banks, will's aunt,

73. and this is my husband Philip

74. and our daughters hilary and Ashley.

75. It's nice to meet you.

76. Hey, m-m-m-meet me again.

77. Why don't we all take a seat?

78. May I get you anything, master William?

79. A dribble bib?

80. So how long have you been in town?

81. I just moved here.

82. I got a scholarship to ucla.

83. It's obvious who got the brains in your family.

84. Yeah, but Janet ain't stupid.

85. So, Mrs. Banks,

86. jazz tells me you're a college Professor.

87. That's right. I teach English.

88. And Mr. Banks is a professional wrestler?

89. Well, I'm afraid he was mistaken.

90. I'm a lawyer.

91. My apologies. I was misquoted.

92. I went to ucla.

93. Do you want to use my books?

94. Thanks. I was thinking of buying used books.

95. Oh. Well, these aren't used.

96. Come take a look at them, anyway.

97. O.K.

98. Jazz, I'm going into the kitchen for a snack.

99. When I come back, I want you gone.

100. Guess I got plenty of time then.

101. Hey, will, I think Janet likes you.

102. She's definitely up on me.

103. You know, it's probably not too late

104. to get that spinach out of your teeth.

105. So, what do you think?

106. Brother, do the words "boing-yoing-yoing" mean anything to you?

107. I can't wait to go out with her.

108. Thanks for deemin' me.

109. Gee, man, I'm having second thoughts.

110. See, prince, you're like a brother to me.

111. If you date my sister and it doesn't work out,

112. it could jeopardize our friendship.

113. I'm willing to take that risk.

114. In that case, how much you willing to give?

115. Give?

116. To take her out.

117. I'd sure look good in this jacket.

118. I should have known.

119. The hat, too.

120. The hat!

121. Let me get a good look at this shirt.

122. I must say,

123. Mr. Jazz' sister is quite a charmer.

124. Yes, she is.

125. Makes me question the whole theory of genetics.

126. Now, Philip, it was awfully nice of jazz

127. to introduce will to his sister.

128. He's a good friend.

129. Oww!

130. Brothers and sisters, I've got a date.

131. You know what would be fun?

132. I can think of a couple things.

133. It would be fun to take Ashley out some time.

134. I love kids.

135. Yeah, word. Kids are great.

136. Do you want kids of your own?

137. Oh, definitely.

138. You'd be a great dad.

139. You, too, baby.

140. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but...

141. The moment I saw you

142. I knew we'd be great together.

143. I hope it wasn't the leather jacket that did it.

144. You're not wearing the jacket now, are you?

145. Mm-mmm.

146. And I never will be again.

147. Clothes don't make the man,

148. and will... You are my man.

149. Oh, man.

150. Well, maybe we should look at the menu...

151. If I can get my eyes to focus.

152. I am getting a little hungry.

153. Baby, have the lobster, have the caviar...

154. Anything you want.

155. Lobster and caviar are much too expensive.

156. You're right. We will be great together.

157. Hi. I'm Gia.

158. Hi. I'm will.

159. You ready to order?

160. We certainly are—

161. not.

162. Then I'll come back.

163. William, can we get one thing straight?

164. When you are with me,

165. you do not look at other women.

166. What other women?

167. Please.

168. I saw you looking at that waitress.

169. Put those googly eyes back in your head, all right?

170. Hello?

171. I said, all right?

172. All right.

173. Gia.

174. I'd like the swordfish and a salad, no dressing.

175. What about you, will?

176. I'll have the—

177. I-I'll have the steak. Rare.

178. Steak is really unhealthy.

179. Do you need another minute?

180. No. He'll have what I'm having,

181. plus a baked potato, no butter, no sour cream.

182. Thank you.

183. Got it.

184. I—I—I—I like sour cream.

185. You used to.

186. From now on, you need to watch that cholesterol.

187. My husband isn't dying of a heart attack at 40

188. and leaving me to raise six kids by myself.

189. S-s-s-six kids?

190. That's right, baby— three girls, three boys,

191. and don't even think about naming one of them William.

192. Janet, whoa. Hold on. W-wait a minute.

193. Sheesh!

194. Don't you think it's a little early to be talking marriage?

195. Excuse me?

196. Well, then what did you have in mind?

197. Dinner, maybe a dance or two.

198. Oh, is that right?

199. A moment ago you were chewing on my earlobe, Mr. Nibbly.

200. Did you think you could sample the milk

201. without putting a down payment on the cow?

202. I ordered lemonade!

203. Well, you're not going to drink it.

204. You're cutting out sugar, too.

205. No husband of mine is going to get fat and watch TV,

206. leaving me with all the work of raising six kids.

207. But—but—but—

208. but—but—but nothing.

209. And look at me when I'm talking to you.

210. William, who are you looking at?

211. Did a guy named Michael call while I was in the shower?

212. No. Who is he?

213. Just a boy in my class.

214. Do you like him?

215. Well, sort of.

216. And was he supposed to call?

217. Well, he said he would.

218. I can't stand it when men do this.

219. I mean they say they're gonna call

220. and so you wait and wait and wait

221. and nothing.

222. that we have nothing better to do than sit by the phone?

223. Hello.

224. Oh, hello, Michael.

225. Well, I'm glad you found a time that was convenient for you to call.

226. No, Ashley is not here.

227. I don't know where she is.

228. She may not be back for several days.

229. Hilary!

230. I know what I'm doing.

231. Oh, you want her to call you back?

232. Oh yeah. That'll be happenning, mister "God's gift to the fifth grade."

233. Don't you feel great?

234. Brisk walk in the morning,

235. and now you're exercised and ready to start the day.

236. Yeah. We got any more of those pecan rolls?

237. Aunt viv, Uncle Phil, I need your help.

238. I'm having girl problems.

239. Didn't your date go well?

240. No.

241. What's the matter, baby?

242. You like Janet more than she likes you?

243. I don't think so.

244. Well, I sure liked her.

245. I hope so, since we'll probably be living here

246. with our six kids.

247. Kids?

248. She said we're having six.

249. Not any time soon, I hope.

250. No. She doesn't want to start the family

251. until we finish graduate school, worked five years,

252. and have complete dental benefits.

253. That sounds very sensible.

254. Aunt viv, this is all before we had salads.

255. Tell her you're not interested.

256. I tried, man. She just won't listen.

257. It's like fatal attraction.

258. I'm telling you, if we had a bunny,

259. dude would be on the stove right now.

260. Ohh!

261. Come on, will.

262. Aunt viv, this babe is tripping.

263. She's already telling me

264. what to do, what to eat, where to look.

265. Women get like that.

266. Get like what?

267. Oh, you know.

268. No, Philip, I do not.

269. Women get like what?

270. Like that.

271. You say something, William?

272. Master William, Mr. Jazz is here to see you.

273. Thank you, g.

274. What do women get like?

275. I am waiting.

276. Hello!

277. Prince, is your Uncle here?

278. I think I dislocated my hip last night dancing.

279. I don't want to risk getting thrown out.

280. Yo, man, what's up?

281. Come on, man, that tickles!

282. I want my clothes back, jazz.

283. You set me up with a maniac.

284. Your sister's the bossiest woman in the world.

285. I know.

286. You know?

287. She gets on my nerves.

288. Ever since she moved out here,

289. she's been hanging out at my place bossing me around.

290. I had to pawn her off on some sucker.

291. Aah!

292. Setting me up.

293. Between you and the humpty dance,

294. I'll have to get a metal plate put in my butt.

295. You deserve it, man.

296. Your sister showed up here at 7:00

297. to pick out my clothes.

298. By 10:00, she phoned five times.

299. She would be here now

300. if she wasn't out shopping for my beeper.

301. Are you saying your relationship isn't working out?

302. What relationship? I just met her!

303. You thinking about breaking up with her,

304. you better think again.

305. Last guy tried to cut her loose— mm-mm-mm.

306. It wasn't pretty.

307. Dude, he's walking and all, but... Still.

308. What am I supposed to do?

309. I say marry her.

310. You can stop that, homes.

311. I'm breaking up with her.

312. Well, if she kills you, can I have that shirt?

313. No, you can't have this shirt, jazz.

314. I got an idea.

315. I set you two up

316. to get her out of my face, right?

317. So why don't you set her up with some other sucker?

318. What guy deserves a woman like your sister?

319. Hi, fellas!

320. Hope you don't mind, will.

321. I borrowed your public enemy tape.

322. You like public enemy?

323. They're not half bad.

324. that used to be my favorite song.

325. Carlton, I misjudged you.

326. You're a lot cooler than I thought.

327. You want to go to the club with us tonight?

328. Sure, but I don't have a date.

329. Carlton, never bring a sandwich to a buffet.

330. And what is boyfriend having?

331. Green grass salad with blue cheese dressing.

332. Ahem.

333. Nix the blue cheese.

334. Got it.

335. Janet, kiss, kiss.

336. Janet, meet Toni. Toni, Janet.

337. Oh, Janet.

338. I have a sister named Jane,

339. but we call her Amy.

340. You know Carlton and will.

341. And further down in the evolutionary chart—

342. jazz.

343. She noticed me.

344. Hi, Carlton. Hi, will.

345. Hi. How you doing, Toni?

346. Aaagh!

347. That's my cousin's best friend.

348. Do I look like I care?

349. Aren't you feeling well, Janet? You seem a little cranky.

350. Uh, no, no. She's just kiddin' around, Carlton.

351. That's what makes her so much fun.

352. Will, this is a great jacket.

353. Eh..

354. Thanks.

355. Are you, like, saying grace or what?

356. Yeah, I been prayin' a lot lately.

357. William, if you don't stop talkin' like that out of the side of your mouth

358. you gonna be talkin' like that permanantly.

359. Ew! Break out the midol.

360. Would you care to join us?

361. We have to see if anyone better is here first.

362. Isn't that Patrick Swayze?

363. I don't know. You tell us.

364. See, Janet, not only is Carlton brilliant and handsome,

365. he also knows everybody who's anybody.

366. Ain't that right, jazz?

367. Does he know Janet Jackson?

368. Ever since we've got here, you've been going on

369. about Carlton this and Carlton that.

370. Boy, save your charm for the girl on your arm.

371. Well, someone has her rude hat on tonight.

372. William, my soda is warm.

373. Yo, Gia.

374. I need more ice.

375. You need more ice what?

376. I need more ice in my warm soda.

377. You need more ice, please.

378. What did you say to me?

379. He said, "you need more ice, please."

380. Heads up.

381. Well, I'm sorry. I've got to say something.

382. Janet, your behavior this evening

383. has been completely unacceptable.

384. Carlton...

385. Where I come from, manners count for a lot.

386. I'm sorry I've got to say this,

387. but I can't allow this rudeness to continue.

388. You owe every one of us an apology,

389. especially that poor waitress.

390. And if you refuse, we're taking you home

391. and continuing the evening without you.

392. Do I make myself clear?

393. You know, I'm going to miss him.

394. Do I make myself clear?

395. Yes, Carlton.

396. I didn't know Carlton had it in him.

397. He stood right up to Janet and said,

398. "baby, that's about all that lip I'm going to have."

399. Boys, you've got a lot to learn about women.

400. Carlton has obviously been watching me in action.

401. Now, will,

402. your aunt Vivian can be quite bossy at times,

403. but when she starts bossing me around,

404. I don't let it bother me.

405. I just say "no" in a strong masculine voice,

406. and when I say "no," she jumps.

407. Excuse me.

408. What did you say?

409. I don't know. How long have you been there?

410. I came in on,

411. "your aunt Vivian can be quite bossy sometimes."

412. You didn't hear the part where I said,

413. "boys, the rest of this statement is completely untrue."

414. Philip, you better sleep with one eye open.

415. I got her just where I want her.

416. You know, I've learned something from all this, jazz.

417. You know what every woman wants?

418. Rib tips?

419. No, jazz...

420. Every woman wants a man to take control.

421. That's what Carlton did with Janet.

422. If he can make it work for him,

423. imagine what I could do.

424. You did an excellent job

425. on those apology notes.

426. I'll mail them right away.

427. Mail them?

428. I'm sorry, Carlton. I'll hand-deliver them.

429. That's better.

430. I'll get your coat.

431. I really should write a book.

432. O.K., o.K.

433. Jazz, I know how to Chuck a woman. Watch this.

434. Yo, Janet!

435. Peep this here, baby.

436. We're going out tonight.

437. I'm-a choose the place.

438. I'm-a eyeball any honey

439. that I darn well please.

440. Then I'm-a order a steak

441. with a big bucket of blue cheese dressing.

442. Do I make myself clear?

443. The only thing clear about you

444. is the space between your ears.

445. Why the hell didn't that work?

446. You got the theory right.

447. You just ain't got the technique.

448. Take notes. Hilary!

449. What?

450. Hilary, your behavior at the club last night

451. was completely unacceptable.

452. Where I come from, manners count for a lot.

453. Now, I'm sorry to have to say this,

454. but I simply can't sit here

455. and allow this rudeness to continue.

456. Do I make myself clear?

457. Jazz...

458. Come here.

459. Aah!