The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 1, Episode 14

Directed by Jeff Melman

James Tolkan as Dr. Oates • William Cort as Headmaster Thorvald • Michael Weiner as Kellogg Lieberbaum • Michael Landes as Chadney Hunt • Keith Bogart as Jonathan Cartwell

Will tells Ashley's slumber-party guests a scary tale about his first day at Bel-Air Academy.

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1. 'And then, came the third day of Christmas.'

2. And still no one had made a present to Santa.

3. Whom shall I ask to help me, boys and girls.

4. Oh, I know, I know.

5. Ask the reindeer on your left hand.

6. I'd love to help, but I have my hooves full as it is.

7. I get it, his hooves are full, he don't have no hands.

8. Hey, g, I did not see that comin'.

9. Hey this is dope, right Ash?

10. - Ashley. - I'm awake.

11. I don't know why I bother.

12. It's impossible to compete with tawdry entertainment like mtv

13. Nintendo, the new children on the block.

14. Thanks a lot, Ash. Now, I'll never know how the story ends.

15. Pardon me for caring.

16. But I really wanted know what Santa got for Christmas.

17. He doesn't get natural gift, Will.

18. He gets the love of little children in the world.

19. Really? What a jip.

20. Come on, Will, everyone knows that there's no Santa Claus.

21. Wait a minute, there is no Milli Vanilli.

22. But, there definitely is a Santa Claus.

23. Okay, Ash. Let's write our letters to Santa Claus.

24. - Will. - You can help me with my list.

25. How do you spell Vanessa Williams?

26. Don't you have anything better to do

27. with Christmas vacation than writing a silly letter?

28. What will you do with yours, play with friends?

29. I wish I had someone to play with.

30. My friends all go out of town with their families

31. and I'm stuck here all alone.

32. You can still do something to have fun while you're here.

33. I'm going to. I've decided to learn a new word every day.

34. Ashley, that's boring.

35. Really? I think it's very autodidactic.

36. Christmas vacation is finally here.

37. God help me, I do love it so.

38. I thought you liked school.

39. Bel-air academy is one of the best schools in the country.

40. Its academics and sports program are excellent.

41. And it's faculty is first-rate.

42. But around about December 10th, it starts to get old.

43. Know what I mean?

44. We got a problem, your sister, ten years old

45. and doesn't know the meaning of Christmas.

46. I know the meaning of undulate.

47. I don't know about Christmas.

48. I've got bigger fish to fry.

49. I've got to raise $600 for my glee club ski trip.

50. Give you a dollar if you shave your head.

51. I've booked the alligaroos, to sing at Christmas parties.

52. If we make enough money, on December 26th, we'll all be...

53. whoosh whoosh.

54. Imitating Jerry Lewis?

55. I've got to rehearse now.

56. You guys, let's use this room.

57. Let's start with our opening number, alright?

58. 5, 6...

59. uh, 5, 6, 7, and...

60. Hold it!

61. What the bloody hell kind of song is that?

62. What do you mean?

63. A little kid sees his mom tongue wrestling with Santa Claus?

64. It's his father dressed up like Santa Claus.

65. Why'd he dress up like s..

66. Oh, I get it.

67. I dress up like Santa Claus.

68. You dress up like the Easter bunny.

69. That makes me sick.

70. We're putting on a musical program

71. for Jonathan's parents party.

72. Jonathan's stepfather is a record producer.

73. He's tired of old Christmas carols.

74. Here's our program.

75. Wait a minute.

76. "you don't bring me flowers

77. "people who need people

78. the way we were"?

79. Who's going to come down the chimney, Barbra Streisand?

80. You've been to my parents parties?

81. 'That would be fantastic. All right.'

82. Also, look, I want to send a box of the fancy chocolate covered

83. pretzels to, Mr. Patrick Swayze.

84. Right. The card should read, "Pat, saw these

85. "and immediately thought of you. Love, Hilary. Xxx."

86. Okay Now, send the same thing

87. to Kevin Costner, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Sting.

88. Great. Thanks.

89. Well, that takes care of the "a" list.

90. Now, should I send the box of pears

91. or the meat thermometer to Steve Guttenberg?

92. Hilary, I hate to inject some reality into these proceedings

93. but, who you trying to fool, baby?

94. What do you mean?

95. You always walk around here fronting

96. like you know these famous people.

97. You don't know nobody.

98. You are so jaded and skeptical.

99. You remind me so much of Judd Nelson.

100. We're spending an hour at your office party

101. then we're coming home. I have papers to grade.

102. Okay, but do you remember the names of all my partners wives?

103. Yes.

104. Who is George Meyer's wife?

105. Eunice.

106. that was last year.

107. The new wife's name is, Kelly.

108. Kelly? Walter's secretary?

109. Mm-hmm.

110. Now, who is, Jack Fitzgerald's wife?

111. Doris.

112. The correct answer is Heather, formerly the muffin cart girl.

113. Wait a minute.

114. How many new wives are going to be at this party?

115. Put it this way, Vivian. You're the only repeat.

116. Hey, hold up. You going to a Christmas party?

117. It's just an office Christmas party.

118. I remember our Christmas parties back in Philly.

119. The building would be filled

120. with the sounds of Christmas

121. jingle bells and singing and laughing.

122. Then at the end of the evening the traditional police sirens.

123. Those were the days.

124. I'll just go bring the car around.

125. Does this neighborhood do anything special for Christmas?

126. Not really.

127. Well, last year, President Reagan's secret service agents

128. dressed up as Santa, and warned everyone to keep their distance.

129. That was kind of festive.

130. People in Bel-air don't even know how to celebrate Christmas.

131. - I'm worried about Ashley. - What do you mean?

132. Growing up in bel-air, she never had a real Christmas.

133. There's no sledding. There's no caroling.

134. There's no winos making snow angels on the front lawn.

135. You don't even decorate the living room.

136. Yes, we do. We've already started.

137. The poinsettias, the red candles.

138. Here's the beautiful crystal nativity

139. your uncle gave me for Christmas years ago.

140. Where the little baby Jesus at?

141. Right there.

142. That little disk?

143. There are more decorations coming.

144. A wonderful shop in Beverly hills, comes to the house

145. sets up the tree, and decorates it for us.

146. Do they open your presents and wear your sweaters, too?

147. If you want to show Ashley the Christmas spirit

148. why don't you go to the shop, pick up the decorations

149. and you and Ashley can decorate it yourself, okay?

150. Well, alright, then.

151. Ashley!

152. This is going to be hype, aunt Viv.

153. You have fun at the Christmas party, too.

154. I'm looking forward to meeting all the new wives.

155. I hope they bring their Barbie dolls.

156. Will, were you vociferating for me?

157. I got to get back to you on that.

158. You want to go into Beverly hills with me

159. and pick up the Christmas decorations?

160. Okay.

161. We can sing Christmas songs all the way there.

162. Here's one Carlton taught me.

163. Hi.

164. - Merry Christmas. - Mm-hmm.

165. Aren't these figures outstanding?

166. They're beyond outstanding. They're deeply beyond.

167. They're hand carved. We import them from Poland.

168. We're looking for some Christmas decorations.

169. Let me show you something we're doing that's deeply happening.

170. It's a Caribbean Christmas tree.

171. It's very big in London. It's beyond big.

172. It's all about very hot oranges and very intense yellows.

173. I feel it's a very vibrant tree

174. and I feel it's a very important tree.

175. We're just picking up the decorations

176. for my mother, Mrs. Banks.

177. She phoned and told me that you'd be putting them up

178. yourselves this year, which is fine.

179. You'll save some money, which is a good thing

180. because the nineties are going to be all about restraint.

181. Is, this the wreath for the door?

182. Let's talk about that wreath for a moment, if you will.

183. Last year, I was deeply into the distant salmons

184. and the sandy beiges.

185. But this year I went more with the muted roses with these

186. little arrogant touches of celadon and periwinkle.

187. I think it worked out quite nice.

188. Let's try something wild here, you know?

189. Do you have anything red or green...

190. or, I don't know, maybe something like a Santa Claus?

191. It's been done.

192. Excuse us.

193. These decorations are whacked.

194. We're gonna save aunt Viv a lot of money

195. and buy them somewhere else. Let's go.

196. 'Excuse me?'

197. You forgot your box of decorations.

198. No, you see, we're going to do our own decorations.

199. It's going to be about arrogant little elves

200. and rambunctious reindeer and little men in red suits.

201. I think it will be deeply, deeply dope.

202. We should've left that stupid office party an hour earlier.

203. I still have 30 papers to grade.

204. We're both busy, but we can't work in the car.

205. Why don't we take this time to relax a bit?

206. You're right.

207. Oh, look how nicely they've decorated

208. the house on the corner.

209. Those white lights on the tree outside.

210. Just the right touch of lights.

211. A little goes a long way, you know.

212. God, I used to love Christmas when I was little.

213. Now it just rushes by in one big blur.

214. Well, Christmas is more for kids.

215. You know, even though we're busy

216. I think we should do something nice for Will.

217. Must be hard for him spending Christmas in a strange place.

218. Yeah, you're right, sweetheart.

219. We'll do something nice for him.

220. Surprise!

221. - 'Ashley, sweetie.' - Where's Will?

222. Aren't you surprised, mommy?

223. Where is will?

224. I had so much fun today with Will. You can't believe it.

225. Surprise!

226. Oh, look, it's Will.

227. Will, what happened at the Christmas shop?

228. Aunt Viv, they were trying to rip you off.

229. So me and Ashley went to pic 'n' grab.

230. Hello.

231. Yes, this is Philip Banks.

232. Ah, you saw our lights.

233. The blinking frosty the snowman is riling your attack dogs.

234. Oh, That's wonderful.

235. Our neighbors are furious.

236. We'll have to take these lights down.

237. I bet there's a lot of neighbors that love those decorations.

238. I mean, certainly anyone who possesses good taste.

239. Banks residence. Have a holly, jolly Christmas.

240. Brother, you got a problem with my lights?

241. Why don't you come tell me that to my face?

242. We can do whatever you want to do.

243. It's your world, squirrel. I'm just trying to get a nut.

244. What? We can do this.

245. That was clever, Trevor. Ain't no thing but a chicken wing.

246. Yeah, alright.

247. Madam, sir.

248. A group of your neighbors have assembled on the front lawn.

249. They're looking at your Christmas decorations

250. and growing enraged.

251. They are threatening to burn frosty in effigy.

252. Well, we better get out there.

253. Geoffrey, thanks for helping us

254. put up those Christmas decorations.

255. I'd have never had the guts to climb on that roof

256. with that reindeer strapped to my back.

257. Anything in the name of Christmas, master William.

258. Your aunt and uncle did not suspect anything, did they?

259. No.

260. Still, I think it's best we avoid eye contact

261. for the rest of the evening.

262. Ten-four.

263. Philip, should I talk to them, or do you want to?

264. No, I'll give it a try.

265. - Dad, can I offer a suggestion? - Sure.

266. They're our neighbors and they are upset and it's up to us

267. to make sure that this doesn't ruin their Christmas.

268. There's only one way to do that.

269. I think we should write a few checks.

270. Sit down, Carlton.

271. As you wish, father.

272. I'm just gonna have to tell them we'll take those

273. decorations dows as soon as we can.

274. Can't we at least leave some of them up?

275. I don't know. Maybe, we can reach a compromise.

276. Everybody, now in keeping with he spirit of the season.

277. I think we can discuss this rationally.

278. Property values in this neighborhood

279. must be vigorously protected.

280. Isn't that right, Mr. Uesato?

281. I'm afraid potential buyers

282. aren't too crazy about the Kmart look.

283. There are wonderful services that will come

284. and decorate your house for you.

285. But this year our daughter and nephew decided

286. to do the decorating themselves.

287. I see. Are they very angry with you over something?

288. No. Why?

289. This reminds me of the summer my daughter Amanda turned 15

290. and tried to burn our house down.

291. Master William.

292. There is a gentleman in the foyer who claims

293. you had harsh words with him on the phone.

294. That chump is here. Send him in.

295. Will, fighting doesn't solve anything.

296. Ain't going to be no fight.

297. I can tell by this guy's voice, I could take him in a minute.

298. Mr. Evander Holyfield.

299. The undisputed heavyweight champion of the world.

300. Nice champion.

301. I recognize your voice.

302. You the chump I talked to on the telephone.

303. Phone? I ain't talked to you on no phone.

304. Evander.

305. Hilary.

306. You know her?

307. Where were you last night at Bruce Willis party?

308. I'm not speaking to Bruce.

309. I'll tell you about it later.

310. Anyway, what are you doing here?

311. I didn't know you lived here.

312. Frankly, I saw the lights, and I thought they was..

313. they looked tacky.

314. Look!

315. I didn't mean for everybody to get so upset.

316. You might as well take the lights down.

317. - Ashley. - It's okay, dad.

318. Ashley.

319. Now, come on. The house looks dope.

320. Who cares what they think?

321. Bet you Santa thinks it's nice.

322. I know you're trying to get me into the Christmas spirit

323. but I'm just not into it.

324. All those people are in a bad mood

325. none of my friends around to play with.

326. I'm going to go up to my room

327. learn some new word, and wait till new year's.

328. Oh.

329. Oh, wow.

330. Hey-hey, that was great.

331. Who are you guys?

332. Hi, I'm Mark Driscoll.

333. Every year, I take the neighborhood kids around

334. to look at the Christmas lights.

335. They choose one house as the best decorated

336. then sing carols for the people who live there.

337. This year, you guys won.

338. We drove all over.

339. Yeah, and usually this neighborhood is a complete dud.

340. We weren't even going to come here

341. until, Jimmy saw the house from the freeway.

342. I'll tell you what.

343. We got cookies and hot chocolate inside, come on in.

344. - Yay! - Yay!

345. Thanks. Merry Christmas.

346. Hi.

347. Well, Ashley, I seem to remember you saying

348. you wanted some friends, and there they are.

349. Still don't believe that there's a Santa Claus?

350. I'm glad we cleared up this little matter.

351. I assume the lights will be down by tomorrow.

352. 'Wait.'

353. I've changed my mind. I want the lights to stay up.

354. Fight the power, Ashley.

355. I love them. They're beautiful.

356. I'm not the only one who thinks so.

357. Will thinks so, too. So do all these kids.

358. And besides, it's Christmas.

359. When I look at the lights and the reindeer

360. and the decorations, it makes me feel very...

361. ebullient.

362. Ya, me too.

363. Ashley's right. What are we arguing about here?

364. When we were kids, we used to all love Christmas.

365. Now we take things too seriously.

366. Personally, I think the lights are kind of neat.

367. I guess they're really not hurting anybody.

368. And the kids really like them.

369. We shouldn't be fighting. It's so barbaric.

370. Then we're all agreed?

371. I think those decorations are totally inappropriate

372. for a home in Bel-air.

373. Madam?

374. Another of your neighbors has arrived.

375. Oh, great. That's all we need.

376. Excuse me.

377. Hello, everybody. Hi there, Hilary.

378. Hi.

379. Thanks for the pretzels.

380. I'm-I'm sorry to bother you, neighbor.

381. I just want to say that

382. I greatly admire your wonderful Christmas decorations.

383. I just wanted to say that

384. because Nancy won't let me do anything fun to our house.

385. Thank you, Mr. President.

386. As a matter of fact, few of our neighbors came to tell us

387. about our lights, too.

388. What were you saying, Mr. Grey?

389. Well, I was just saying they were absolutely magnificent.

390. That's what I think.

391. This is what Christmas is all about.

392. Now comes the magic moment.

393. Everybody gather around the TV.

394. Will, what are you doing?

395. This is one of my Christmas traditions.

396. I like to watch out for this certain commercial.

397. A commercial?

398. You know the one where it's all snowy

399. and the little Santa is riding on a Norelco shaver?

400. Oh, I love that commercial.

401. And that Christmas beer commercial with the horses

402. with the furry feet pulling the sleigh through the snow.

403. I loved that commercial where the little covered wagon

404. is being chased by the dog across the kitchen floor.

405. Hey, he's on the shaver.

406. - Aw. - Aw.