The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air 1x14

Directed by Jeff Melman

James Tolkan as Dr. Oates • William Cort as Headmaster Thorvald • Michael Weiner as Kellogg Lieberbaum • Michael Landes as Chadney Hunt • Keith Bogart as Jonathan Cartwell

Will tells Ashley's slumber-party guests a scary tale about his first day at Bel-Air Academy.

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1. I wish I could see your sister's face

2. when she finds Courtney's frog in her bed.

3. You and me both.

4. This is gonna be good.

5. If she doesn't scream soon

6. I'm gonna have to give my frog a drink.

7. Ferdinand gets de-hydrated.

8. 'It's Will and Hillary. Open up.'

9. Oh, no. We're all gonna die.

10. We just wanted to say goodnight.

11. We're going to bed just as soon as we finish this frog leg soup.

12. Frog leg soup?

13. It's uhm-uhm good.

14. Wish you could all have some but there wasn't enough frog

15. to make more than two bowls.

16. Can I have a bite?

17. Sasha, they are eating Ferdinand.

18. Ferdinand?

19. This is a guy frog?

20. Ferdinand!

21. Nighty night, don't let the snails bite.

22. Snails?

23. That's funny I thought she said she put

24. snakes in your sleeping bags.

25. Psych! Psych! Psych!

26. Um, that means just kidding.

27. Nighty night.

28. Will, will you tell us a scary story

29. before you go, please?

30. Okay, but I hope everybody's ready

31. to be scared to death.

32. - Yes! - Yes!

33. Oh, wait. Hold up. Scream for me one time.

34. Okay, that's good. That's good. Uhm. Okay.

35. I got a scary story, but I have to warn you..

36. it's really, truly frightening.

37. - Any of you have pacemakers on? - No.

38. Alright. See, what makes this story so scary

39. is that it's true.

40. It happened to a guy named Will... bert.

41. Yeah, Wilbert Smith... sonian.

42. See, Wilbert Smithsonian grew up in Philly.

43. He went to school in the hood, right?

44. But this school he went to was so tough

45. I mean, it was graffiti everywhere

46. even on the principal.

47. (all) Ooh.

48. But that's not the scary part.

49. It all happened right here in Bel-Air

50. when Wilbert was transferred to a private school.

51. It was a living nightmare.

52. "Enter as boys, leave as men?"

53. How long they trying to keep us here?

54. Hey, Banker, what do you know?

55. It's who you know that counts.

56. Hey, Carlton, how you doing?

57. - Wallace. - Chadster!

58. - Bankster! - Hey.

59. I'd like you to meet my cousin—

60. Willster!

61. So, stud master general

62. what's the word on coed tennis camp?

63. I really got a lot out of it, amigo.

64. Scored big on and off the court.

65. Way to play. I kid you not, Will.

66. Women faint at this man's feet.

67. Odor eaters work for me.

68. Outrageous. This guy's seriously twisted.

69. He gets in a good one now and then.

70. Will Smith?

71. Oh, Will, this is Simon Stanhope

72. our student council president.

73. It's my job here to give you the tour.

74. Oh, yo. I took the universal tour.

75. You know that earthquake ride?

76. Aah! Look out! Look out, look out.

77. Here comes the subway car!

78. Excuse my cousin. He just doesn't know.

79. As I was saying, this is our founder

80. and those are the first students

81. of the Bel-Air academy

82. and they all carved their names on this..

83. the alumni desk.

84. And these are the championship oars

85. that we retired in 1957.

86. Man, y'all don't throw nothing away.

87. Will Smith? I'm Edward Fellows III.

88. But call me Ned, okay?

89. Okay.

90. You've been assigned to my lit class

91. so I read your records.

92. I just wanted to say we're both coming

93. from the same place.

94. Oh, word up. You're from Philly?

95. Shaker heights, Ohio.

96. But when I was doing research on my main man

97. Langston Hughes.

98. I lived in Harlem.

99. And believe me, those two weeks

100. changed my life.

101. "I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.

102. "I built my hut by the Congo

103. "and it lulled me to sleep.

104. My soul has grown deep like the waters."

105. - I can tell. - Hey, listen.

106. I've got a mean collection of jazz platters.

107. Anytime you feel like grooving, come on over

108. and get down with my bad self.

109. Seriously. You have any problems, any questions?

110. Uh, where are all the fly honeys at?

111. - Fly honeys? - Yeah, girls.

112. Oh, Will, didn't anybody tell you?

113. This is an all-boys' school.

114. Greetings Bel-Airdales. We're the Alligaroos.

115. And we'd like to take this opportunity

116. to tell you new students to..

117. So, then, Wilbert saw their evil plan.

118. They were trying to break him down.

119. First, they told him it was an all-boys' school.

120. Then they tortured him with a half an hour

121. of Broadway show tunes

122. but he wouldn't break.

123. Then they went ballistic.

124. They brought in the evil teacher, Dr. Bloat.

125. Enter the Bloat.

126. 5... 4... 3... 2..

127. I am Dr. B "period" Lanford..

128. Oates.

129. And you are..

130. '"Alan, Banks, Downer, Fales, Hunt, Lieberbaum"'

131. "Smith.." Smith. William Smith. Mm-hmm.

132. Uh, "Stanhope, Sterling, Svenson—"

133. - Yo! - Mr. Svenson?

134. Ja?

135. Mr. Smith, how good of you to join us.

136. 'Mr. Smith, look around.'

137. Do you see any difference

138. between yourself and the other young gentlemen?

139. Is that like a trick question?

140. The tie, Mr. Smith. The tie.

141. Kindly consult that section of the rule book

142. pertaining to neckwear.

143. Oh, you mean, section three, paragraph four, which states

144. "A tie must be worn with a Windsor knot"

145. but it doesn't say where.

146. Take a seat.

147. And now may we turn our attention to history?

148. - Thomas Paine once wrote— - Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

149. Mr. Smith? Weren't you the bad guy in "Goldfinger?"

150. - Hey, smooth. - Yeah.

151. - Looking great. - Yeah.

152. Yeah. It's a little something I put together.

153. Smith. Ho!

154. My man Lieberbaum.

155. Right. First name Kellogg.

156. Listen, cornflake.

157. "Ho" is definitely not a word that you wanna yell.

158. I think the word you're looking for is "yo."

159. - Yo? - Yeah.

160. It'll be easy to remember. It's like "oy" backwards.

161. Alright.

162. Will. Yo.

163. Will, may I have a word?

164. You got something you want to say, man?

165. Can you be serious for just one moment?

166. Will, this is your first day and I think

167. you're rubbing a lot of people the wrong way.

168. Carlton, here in boys' town

169. I don't wanna rub anybody any way.

170. That's not funny. Nothing you sayisfunny.

171. What, did you, like, pass out in history class?

172. I had 'em rolling.

173. The people who count were laughing at you, not with you.

174. I mean it, Will, when you're snubbed

175. don't say I did not warn you.

176. - Hi, Will. - Hey, Will. How's it going?

177. - Oh, there you are. - Okay, here comes Chadney.

178. Just lay low and watch how it's done.

179. Are you free this weekend, Smitty?

180. My parents are throwing one of their big weekend bashes

181. at our compound in Malibu.

182. Badminton, the lobster boil, you know, the usual.

183. Ah, yes, the usual.

184. The Chadster's Malibu bashes are legendary.

185. Oh, yeah, Carlton. You should come, too.

186. Bang bang.

187. Wah! Whoosh!

188. Hyah!

189. 'My man Geoffrey.'

190. Master William.

191. Hey, man, you know what I could go for right now?

192. - Some pate. - Then by all means, go.

193. Might I recommend the gourmet deli on Roxbury?

194. No, no, no.

195. When I-when I said I could go for it

196. I-I mean, like, I want it

197. like you go for it.

198. Wilbert thought his first day at Bel-Air academy

199. was a big success.

200. When he told his aunt and uncle, they were thrilled.

201. Oh, this is a cause for celebration.

202. Geoffrey, Will did well at school.

203. This calls for champagne.

204. There's been a tragedy at the school.

205. The alumni desk has been cruelly and wantonly defaced.

206. What happened?

207. Someone carved the word "Fresh" in it.

208. And they have a theory about the person who did it.

209. Th-th-th-they do?

210. They think it was a freshman who got halfway through

211. and lost his cool.

212. He lost his cool? That's funny.

213. Fresh means cool, right, Will?

214. I can't keep up with this crazy teenage slang.

215. But I thought they call you the Fresh Prince?

216. Day damn one, Vivian. Day damn one.

217. Champagne.

218. Cork it.

219. Well, all I can say to you, Will

220. is "Tsk squared."

221. You thought you had the school all figured out.

222. Oh, no. You didn't need my advice.

223. Alright, Carlton, what is your brilliant advice?

224. I'll tell you, you've got to march straight into school

225. tomorrow and confess.

226. I'm serious, Will.

227. There's such a thing as the honor code.

228. There's such a thing as dog dumb, too.

229. You don't intend to tell them at all?

230. Maybe on my deathbed.

231. Then on your conscience be it.

232. Before we begin the class

233. I must speak about the atrocious defiling

234. of our sacred alumni desk.

235. Fingerprint analysis has shown

236. it is the handiwork of our resident hoodlum, William Smith.

237. Aah!

238. 'And may we turn our attention to another important figure'

239. in American history. Dolly Madison.

240. Was one of our most influential first ladies

241. and not, as Mr. Smith contends

242. the manufacturer of ring-dings.

243. And in the short time we have left, I'd like to address

244. the infamous act of vandalism which occurred here yesterday.

245. The desecration of our desk is indeed sad

246. but even sadder is the fact that no one has yet come forward

247. with a confession. So if of you may know—

248. He did it.

249. Can you believe it?

250. Wilbert was accused by his evil cousin Carlton.

251. I mean, Carlbert.

252. I don't get what's scary about this story.

253. There aren't any werewolves or vampires or anything.

254. Ah, but we're coming to the scary part.

255. Poor Wilbert was brought to trial

256. before the scariest monsters of all..

257. preppies.

258. As president of student council

259. I declare this tribunal in session.

260. Let's begin by hearing from Mr. Smith.

261. Will, will you finally take my advice?

262. Let me do the talking for you.

263. Gentlemen, my cousin has committed a vicious crime.

264. He could not be guiltier.

265. Oh, yeah. That's what I would have said.

266. The fact is, young Will has not yet developed the social skills

267. to adapt to the rarefied atmosphere

268. of Bel-Air academy or parties in Malibu.

269. I recommend we put him on probation

270. ban him from all clubs, sports

271. special events... the Alligaroos.

272. No, not the Alligaroos.

273. Probation is not enough.

274. If Smith isn't expelled

275. it will be an invitation to anarchy.

276. I have to say that I am appalled

277. at this tribunal's lack of sensitivity.

278. Speak on, bro.

279. We can't judge Will Smith byourstandards.

280. He doesn't even speak ourlanguage.

281. Where he grew up, the word "bad" means "good."

282. Doesn't that say it all? Fight the power.

283. Will, do you have anything to say?

284. Well, yeah.

285. I-I-I didn't think y'all was going to get so mad

286. for me writing my name on an old desk.

287. I mean, I'd never write my name on a new desk.

288. That's vandalism.

289. But those guys carved their name in a new desk.

290. They got their picture on the wall.

291. Well, that's totally different.

292. The alumni carved their names

293. so people would remember them as part of the school.

294. That's why I did it.

295. That's ridiculous. You're trying to ruin our school.

296. No, he isn't.

297. Lieberbaum, you're out of order, sir.

298. But he's not ruining the school.

299. He's making it better.

300. Word up, cornflake.

301. I don't mean to dis you guys

302. but if Will's expelled, I'm leaving, too,

303. and-and-and I'm taking my dad's checkbook with me.

304. (all) Free Will! Free Will! Free Will!

305. Free Will! Free Will! Free Will! Free Will!

306. Well, I'm going to bed.

307. Will, I hope you realize how lucky you were

308. that you weren't kicked out of school.

309. Lucky? I got to work every day after school

310. to pay off the desk repair.

311. Before I cry myself to sleep..

312. may I leave you with a few words of advice?

313. If at some point tomorrow

314. or during my lifetime for that matter

315. you come up with another brilliant idea

316. for something to do at school, stop.

317. Do nothing.

318. Just stand there. Doing nothing.

319. Saying nothing.

320. Arms at your side.

321. Like a zombie.

322. Breathing just enough to keep the blood circulating.

323. And no more.

324. Could you do that for me?

325. I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I wasn't listening. What did you say?

326. Oh, no.

327. Goodnight, Will. Lock your door when you go to bed.

328. Will, before I go to bed I just wanna say

329. I was proud of you tonight, old sport.

330. Kudos. You took your punishment like a man.

331. That's all you got to say to me?

332. Goodnight?

333. Carlton, you five-ohed me, man.

334. - Excuse me? - You dimed me out.

335. - Pardon? - You tattled on me, alright?

336. I did it for your own good.

337. - You weren't going to tell. - How do you know?

338. You didn't even give me a chance.

339. Y-you're not worried about my own good.

340. You're just worried about yourself.

341. It may seem like that to you now but one day, you will—

342. Oh, Carlton, shut up!

343. Man. I know what this is about.

344. You thought you were this big hotshot at school

345. and I was gonna be your little charity case

346. but I wound up taking your juice.

347. Will, let me explain something to you.

348. In this society, we have this silly little thing called order

349. and we have rules to preserve that order.

350. If we let people break the rules, there would be chaos.

351. We have rules where I come from, too.

352. And they say you don't rat on people.

353. Will, the more you cling to your old ways

354. and refuse to listen to reality

355. the harder it's going to be

356. for you to fit in with my friends.

357. You just don't get it, do you, man?

358. I don't want your friends, alright?

359. If I woke up one morning and I had all of your friends

360. and I was an Alligaroo and I wore those cute shirts

361. with the little horses on them,

362. I'd jump off the Empire State Building

363. and hope to catch my eyelid on a nail.

364. With quips like that, it's no wonder

365. you're the toast of the town.

366. Goodnight, Will.

367. Master William.

368. I have been informed

369. that due to your new after-school employment

370. you will no longer be requiring your customary 4 o'clock snack.

371. Could this be true?

372. Yeah, afraid so, G.

373. I might not even get home till dinnertime if that early.

374. What a pity.

375. Out of curiosity,

376. uh, just what is the nature of your enforced labor?

377. Kitchen duty, fetching, cleaning

378. carrying, that kind of stuff.

379. Indeed.

380. Oh, well, chin up.

381. Now, picture this if you will

382. my man Wilbert in a kitchen with a hair net on his head?

383. Yo, if that's not a scary thought, I don't know what is.

384. Alright. So, look. Y'all got to do me a favor.

385. Raise your right hand.

386. Alright, I want your solemn promise

387. that if any of you ever meets Wilbert Smithsonian

388. you won't tell him that I told you this story, okay? Swear?

389. I swear, Wilbert Smithsonian.

390. Will's cold busted.