The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 1, Episode 12

Vernee Watson-Johnson as Vy Smith • Jonathan Emerson as Ned Fellows • Israel Juarbe as Jesse

A holiday visit from Will's taskmaster mother puts the kibosh on conspicuous consumption and puts the kids to work preparing Thanksgiving dinner.

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1. Yo, g, that was hi-lar-I-ous.

2. Put a barney rubble head on

3. and I swear I was watching the Flintstones on ice.

4. I'm pleased that I've amused you, master William.

5. It is the least, I can do given the hours of merriment

6. I have derived from looking at the remarkable way

7. your ears protrude from your head.

8. B-w-a, butler with an attitude.

9. So anyway, Toni's coming over.

10. We're gonna study for our history midterm, together.

11. She really needs some help.

12. She's not doing well?

13. Daddy, Toni is a dear friend of mine.

14. But she lacks concentration.

15. She totally gave up on twin peaks.

16. Whoa, uncle Phil!

17. Did you lose a couple pounds?

18. Man, you're looking chiseled.

19. So what do you want the car for, Will?

20. Public enemy concert, Jazz got tickets.

21. Every time Jazz sets foot in that car

22. he leaves a small collection of chicken bones behind.

23. Don't worry. Tonight we're having ribs.

24. Daddy, I wanted to use the car tonight.

25. I'm going downtown to a world peace benefit

26. hosted by Steven Seagal.

27. Didn't you hear me ask first?

28. I guess you're right.

29. I'd feel better knowing you had the car

30. especially if you're going to be until three in the morning.

31. Three in the morning?

32. That's what time he got in last night.

33. Oops, did I say that?

34. 3 o'clock, on a school night?

35. Oh, no, it was for school, uncle Phil.

36. I'm doing a term paper on... owls.

37. Whoo!

38. Will, you've broken curfew entirely too many times.

39. You are grounded for a week.

40. A whole week?

41. Will, being grounded won't be all bad.

42. Maybe you'll find enough time to do your dishes

43. instead of paying, Ashley. Oops again!

44. - Two weeks. - I'm grounded for two weeks?

45. That's right.

46. You've to stay in this house and not go near that car.

47. Can he still rent the car to Jazz?

48. Oops-oops-oops!

49. Let's make it an even month.

50. Wow, I don't know my own strength.

51. Revenge!

52. - Miss Toni. - Hi, Toni.

53. Hi, sorry I'm late. I saw a lady wearing a sweater so ugly

54. I was forced to pull over and yell at her.

55. Hi, Toni. Where are you two off to?

56. The library. Big history exam.

57. How did your English mid-term go?

58. - I think I did great, mom. - I think I failed.

59. Will you cut it out, You always say you failed

60. and then you get the test back, and you always get a "D."

61. You're right. I probably did fine.

62. Okay. You two have fun at the library.

63. Bye.

64. A library? I thought we were shopping.

65. We are. I was just saying that to her. Come on.

66. What's this I hear, Hilary? Lying to mommy?

67. I feel that revenge is within my reach.

68. This is a job for Sherlock homeboy.

69. 10:00 hours.

70. Bike not fast enough to keep up with Volvo.

71. Here, at Toni's dorm room

72. to determine where suspects have gone shopping.

73. Let's see what happens.

74. - Hi. - Hi.

75. Hi. Is this Toni Gower's room?

76. Yeah, we're her roommates.

77. - I'm Kimmy. - I'm Cindy.

78. I'm Will.

79. - Hi, Willie. - Hi, Willie.

80. No, just Will.

81. Well, can I get you something, Will?

82. No, thank you.

83. Actually, I'm trying to find Hilary Banks.

84. There's been a family emergency.

85. - Sorry, we don't know her. - Yes, we do.

86. You know, Toni's friend. The one who never wears anything twice.

87. Oh, yeah. Duh. Earth to Kimmy.

88. I just haven't seen her around much since she dropped out.

89. Oh, yeah, yeah.

90. The mid-terms must have been a little too much for her.

91. Mid-terms? Hilary dropped out three months ago.

92. So, This family emergency, is it like, a big one?

93. It's even bigger than I thought.

94. Looks like I'm gonna pullin' another all-nighter.

95. I've to get my index cards together for the debate match.

96. What's your topic?

97. When, president Bush said he would never raise taxes

98. was he lying or just kidding?

99. Sorry I'm late.

100. Time flies when you're studying.

101. Ain't that the truth, ruth.

102. - How was your day, honey? - It was great.

103. I got a lot of work done on my physics research paper.

104. What?

105. I was just thinking about that funny thing

106. that happened to you today.

107. - What are you talking about? - How soon they forget.

108. I'll explain.

109. Today after school was out, I went to UCLA

110. and sat in the back of Hilary's physics class.

111. You did?

112. You remember. After all, you were in the class.

113. That's right. You did. You did.

114. You remember that funny thing that happened.

115. Oh, yeah, that funny thing.

116. Tell them about it.

117. Well... Will sat in the back of my physics class.

118. While he was there.. Will, you tell it so much better.

119. See, I snuck up behind Hilary.

120. Her head must've been full with all that studying or something

121. because when she saw me, she said my head looked like

122. the basic element of physics.

123. What was that technical term again?

124. A quark, right?

125. Right, exactly. I said his head looked like a quark.

126. Or, was it a neutron?

127. - Right, right. - No. It was definitely a quark.

128. Of course. I don't know what I must've been thinking.

129. Well, that was a real scream, Will.

130. Dinner is served.

131. What do you know?

132. Well, first of all

133. I know that the basic element of physics is matter.

134. If you were doing a research paper, you'd probably have

135. to know something they taught on, I don't know, the first day?

136. - How did you find out? - I have my methods.

137. It helps that Toni's roommates

138. have the combined IQ of a raisin.

139. Listen to me, Will. You can't tell mom and dad.

140. Excuse me? I don't think you're in no position to tell me

141. what I can or cannot do, miss thing.

142. I'll do anything you want, just name it.

143. Well, thanks to you, I'm grounded for the next month.

144. I want you to make that month as pleasant as possible.

145. It's that simple.

146. At the risk of sounding redundant, dinner is served.

147. We'll be right there, Geoffrey.

148. - 'Uh, Hilary?' - What?

149. Carry me.

150. - Yes? - "Yes," what?

151. Yes, your highness?

152. Have you done his highnes's laundry?

153. Yes.

154. Yes, your highness.

155. Your forgot his highness' overalls, his t-shirt, and...

156. of course, his pair of lucky draws.

157. You're going to want to hand-wash these.

158. I am not hand-washing your drawers.

159. Oh, yes, you are.

160. And from now on, you will pronounce the word "draws."

161. Okay, fine.

162. His highness would like to discuss the condition

163. of his royal sneakers.

164. You will clean them with your toothbrush.

165. Not side to side. Not up and down.

166. But a smooth circular motion.

167. Do you want me to floss them, too?

168. Oh, we are not amused.

169. For this act of treason

170. his highness would like you to read him a bedtime story.

171. This is getting really annoying, Will.

172. Okey dokey, have it your way.

173. Uncle Phil! Aunt Viv!

174. Okay, I'll do it, I'll do it.

175. His highness would like this spiderman comic book.

176. Alright. Let's make this fast.

177. "Spiderman by Stan Lee."

178. The yellow box says, "high above Manhattan"

179. and spiderman goes, "my spider sense is buzzing like a beehive"

180. His highness would like you to describe

181. everything in the picture.

182. - Can't you look at it? - Uncle Phil!

183. I was just asking.

184. He's sitting on the edge of some building

185. and there are wavy lines coming out of his head

186. so, what he's hot or his head smells or something?

187. - Anyway— - Uh, Hilary.

188. That's his spidey sense.

189. Okay.

190. There's also something gross coming out of his wrist.

191. Is this like the guy you don't want to be

192. standing next to at a party, or what?

193. This fat guy in a really bad suit goes,

194. "spiderman, at last we meet again."

195. That's Dr. Octopus, but his voice is deeper.

196. Give it a try.

197. "At last, we meet again."

198. In his raspier.

199. "At last, we meet again."

200. Come on, baby, you doggin' it.

201. "At last we meet again!"

202. Happy?

203. You have amused us

204. but his highness is tired and would like to go to sleep.

205. Thank god.

206. But first, his highness would like to be tucked in.

207. - You're kidding. - Of course I'm kidding.

208. - Uncle Phil! - Okay!

209. Nice and tight.

210. Not too tight. Wouldn't want you to suffocate.

211. Oh, before you go, we would like you to have this

212. a list of things to do tomorrow night at the dinner table.

213. Like what?

214. Please, we don't wish them read in our presence.

215. Be gone!

216. Carlton, I'm living a nightmare.

217. Hilary, I'd love to talk to you.

218. I'm staring down the barrel of an all-nighter.

219. Pleas, Carlton, I need help.

220. I'm coming to you because I know how much you don't like Will.

221. Will Smith is a fine young man.

222. Come off it, Carlton. You're talking to me now.

223. We've let Will wreaked havoc for too long.

224. I think it's time band against him as brother and sister.

225. - What've you got in mind? - That's what I need you for.

226. I don't have any plans. I just want to punish him.

227. I'm very vindictive. I'm just not imaginative.

228. Whether or not I want to punish Will

229. and for the record, I haven't come out pro nor con.

230. Why are you so mad at him?

231. It's kind of a long story.

232. You've to promise not to tell anybody.

233. Sure.

234. First of all, I dropped out of college.

235. - Hilary! - I know.

236. Mom and dad are gonna kill you.

237. But the worst think is, Will found out.

238. He's using it to make me do all kinds of humiliating things.

239. Like what?

240. He's making me clean his sneakers.

241. - Really? - It gets worse.

242. I have to hand-wash his lucky draws.

243. Disgusting.

244. This is his latest.

245. He gave me a list of embarrassing things

246. I have to do at dinner tomorrow night.

247. That's awful. Is he making you clean his room?

248. - No. - Will you clean mine?

249. Carlton!

250. I'm sorry, Hilary, but this is too good to be true.

251. Why should Will have all the fun?

252. - You little— - Dad?

253. I hate you!

254. Be that as it may...

255. I want these debate cards typed by tomorrow morning.

256. Double-spaced.

257. Today was career day, and Terice's dad spoke to us.

258. Really? What does he do?

259. John Rivers.

260. He's a plastic surgeon.

261. Dinner is served.

262. - Oh, Hilary? - What?

263. Did you memorize that list I gave you?

264. Yes.

265. To be safe, let's have a pop quiz.

266. Number one, anytime uncle Phil takes a drink, what do you do?

267. I compliment you.

268. Yes!

269. Did you memorize the list of compliments?

270. Yes.

271. Very good.

272. Number two, any time anyone says Hilary, what do you do?

273. I bark like a dog.

274. That's right!

275. See you at dinner.

276. Will, if you have an ounce of compassion

277. you'll let me off the hook.

278. Yeah, that's a good point.

279. Nah, we'll do it anyway.

280. - Oh, Hilary? - 'Yes?'

281. It's dinner time. Did you memorize our list?

282. - Yes. - Let's just review.

283. What do you do when I hit my glass with my spoon.

284. - I insult Will. - Good.

285. And what do you do when I clear my throat?

286. I smack will upside the head.

287. Damn it, you're prepared! Let's go!

288. For these gifts we're about to receive

289. may the lord make us truly thankful.

290. Amen.

291. Vivian, how were classes today?

292. Fine. I just wish my students would concentrate more.

293. They're very easily distracted.

294. I see it every day.

295. Don't you... Hilary?

296. Did you say something, sweetie?

297. No.

298. Will Smith is perfect.

299. Why, thank you. It's so nice to be appreciated.

300. Yes, but perhaps another time.

301. You're mother is trying to say something and I'm sure

302. she would appreciate it, if she weren't interrupted again.

303. Sorry.

304. Anyway, as I was saying—

305. Will Smith is the king of the universe.

306. Why, thank you.

307. I'd like to finish my story, if that's okay with you, Hilary.

308. Hilary.

309. Look, I know everyone gets silly around midterms

310. but, not at the dinner table.

311. I'm sorry, mom.

312. Will Smith is the scum of the earth.

313. Hilary!

314. However, Will smith is the pinnacle of manliness.

315. Ahem.

316. Hilary!

317. ahem.

318. What's with Hilary?

319. ahem.

320. Hilary!

321. Stop it!

322. I can't take it! I dropped out of school!

323. You did what?

324. I dropped out of school.

325. - You dropped out of school? - When did this happen?

326. - Three months ago. - Three months ago?

327. You've been lying since then?

328. Three months ago?

329. - Let me explain. - Three months ago?

330. Mother, please let me explain.

331. I'm not interested. You've been lying to us.

332. - If you think for one— - Philip, wait.

333. Will, Carlton, Ashley, take your dinner into the kitchen.

334. Thanks a lot, Will.

335. Man, they've been in there for hour.

336. Wonder what Hilary told mum and dad about our part in all this.

337. Think it's pretty safe to assume that she sang like a canary.

338. There's no need to worry, she's been lying for three months.

339. We can punch holes in her credibility.

340. Mom, dad, awfully sad about what happened to Hilary.

341. Hope her crazy lies don't drag down anyone else.

342. Carlton, sit.

343. Maybe we haven't been clear about house rules.

344. You are not to blackmail other members of this family.

345. Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

346. You two are grounded for a month.

347. And Will, added to the month you already have

348. that should pretty much take you into fiscal 91.

349. - Dad! - You are excused.

350. I don't know Philip, I've been thinking.

351. About what?

352. You know, what Hilary said, when she was alone with us

353. That I've put too much pressure on her

354. it's hard living up to a college professor mother

355. I made her feel she could never come to us

356. And admit that she failed.

357. You mean you bought that crap?

358. Mom, dad, can I say something?

359. Yes.

360. I've been thinking.

361. I decided I'll do whatever you want me to

362. to make things better.

363. And exactly what would that be?

364. I don't know. Whatever you want me to do.

365. Hilary, that's the problem.

366. We've been making all the decisions for you.

367. You're 21 years old. It's time you made your own decisions.

368. If you weren't getting anything out of college to drop out

369. you should have told us and not tried to hide it.

370. I thought you wanted me to go to college.

371. We want you to go when you'll appreciate it.

372. It's not to make us happy, It's to make something of your life.

373. We just want you to be all you can be.

374. You want me to join the army?

375. Let's try this again.

376. Hilary, what do you want to do with your life?

377. I don't know. I guess, I'll have to think about it.

378. While you're thinking about it

379. you're going to get yourself a job.

380. Okay.

381. Goodnight.

382. Mom, dad?

383. What kind of job do you want me to get?

384. I'm not talking to you.

385. Hey, look, straight up.

386. I didn't know you was gonna break down like that.

387. You walk around here like nothing bothers you.

388. I guess, I took it too far, and I just wanna say, I'm sorry.

389. Yeah, now. An hour ago you were ready to tell on me.

390. You trippin'. I was never going to tell on you.

391. - Really? - Come on, of course not.

392. How about you, Carlton?

393. We're dealing in hypotheticals here.

394. Fine. I wasn't going to tell.

395. Does that placebo make either of you feel any better?

396. So, I guess, you're going to hate me forever, right?

397. Well, I thought about it.

398. And I guess, I brought this on myself.

399. If I hadn't gotten you grounded

400. you wouldn't have blackmailed me.

401. I've learnt my lesson and we're even.

402. Oh, hey, that's decent, Hilary.

403. Goodnight.

404. Oh, before you go.

405. As my last official act of servitude

406. I did finished your laundry.

407. I can't believe I made you do that. I'm sorry.

408. It's okay. What's done is done.

409. Hilary!

410. My lucky draws!