1. Jackie, now, how you
gonna play me?
Copy !req
2. You left me
in charge here.
Copy !req
3. How come you can't
trust me?
Copy !req
4. Because I grew up
with you.
Copy !req
5. Did you do everything
on my list?
Copy !req
6. Well, yeah,
miss Daisy.
Copy !req
7. I clean the window,
I clean the floor,
Copy !req
8. I even clean
the ceiling.
Copy !req
9. Hey, look,
you are talking
Copy !req
10. to one tired freshman
here, miss boss lady.
Copy !req
11. Well,
I am impressed.
Copy !req
12. As well
you should be.
Copy !req
13. Shame on you,
not trusting me.
Copy !req
14. Now, you kick butt
in that game, all right?
Copy !req
15. All right. Bye.
Bye-bye.
Copy !req
16. Hey, good job,
Harold.
Copy !req
17. Hey, you know, Agnes,
I don't know why
Copy !req
18. your daughter
doesn't call you.
Copy !req
19. Hey, break time's
over, sol.
Copy !req
20. captioning made possible by
Warner bros.
Copy !req
21. Sweetheart, you can't
Copy !req
22. spend every moment
with Nicky.
Copy !req
23. Look. You're gonna
have to get over
Copy !req
24. this
separation anxiety.
Copy !req
25. You went through
the same thing with Carlton.
Copy !req
26. Yes, and look at how
well he turned out.
Copy !req
27. You must be
very proud.
Copy !req
28. Vivian, sweetheart,
I love you, and I miss you,
Copy !req
29. and that's why we're
going to have lunch
Copy !req
30. this afternoon
at le trois.
Copy !req
31. Oh, I'd love to,
honey,
Copy !req
32. but I don't think
Nicky's
Copy !req
33. ready for
restaurants yet.
Copy !req
34. I was talking
about us, Vivian.
Copy !req
35. We're going to kiss,
Copy !req
36. we're going to have
a romantic,
Copy !req
37. baby-free good time.
Copy !req
38. Uncle Phil,
I think
Copy !req
39. you should be
more concerned
Copy !req
40. with a cholesterol-free
good time.
Copy !req
41. And one of you
will babysit.
Copy !req
42. Big poopie.
Copy !req
43. What did you say?
Copy !req
44. Oh, I—I said, uh,
"beg, puppy"...
Copy !req
45. To my
pretend dog Ernie.
Copy !req
46. Fetch, Ernie.
Copy !req
47. He's gone now.
Copy !req
48. can I speak to you
a minute, please?
Copy !req
49. Is this
a good idea, honey?
Copy !req
50. Do you think
we can rely on them
Copy !req
51. to take care
of the b-a-b-y?
Copy !req
52. Who's Bobby?
Copy !req
53. The baby.
Copy !req
54. Mom, his name
is Nicky.
Copy !req
55. I'm staying home.
Copy !req
56. Come on.
Come on, Vivian.
Copy !req
57. Geoffrey will
take care of the baby.
Copy !req
58. You only have 41/2 hours
to say goodbye.
Copy !req
59. I'll care for the child
as though he were my very own.
Copy !req
60. We'll draw straws
for the little bugger.
Copy !req
61. Short one loses.
Copy !req
62. Oh, that would
be you, Carlton.
Copy !req
63. Hardy har har,
but I've got a class.
Copy !req
64. Well, wait a minute.
I got a job.
Copy !req
65. I've got a match.
Copy !req
66. Well, I've got—
Copy !req
67. a date with
Mr. stinky.
Copy !req
68. Two cappuccinos,
please.
Copy !req
69. Mm.
Copy !req
70. Well, I'm hoping
you like it dark,
Copy !req
71. hot, sweet,
and, uh...
Copy !req
72. With a spoon in it.
Copy !req
73. Could you hurry
it up, please?
Copy !req
74. I told that guy over there
I'd buy him some coffee.
Copy !req
75. Poor Todd—
Copy !req
76. trying to raise
his baby all alone,
Copy !req
77. hold down a job,
and go to school.
Copy !req
78. I think it's
just adorable.
Copy !req
79. You do?
Well, say, baby,
Copy !req
80. I'm holding down a job
and going to school.
Copy !req
81. About that
baby part—
Copy !req
82. if you ain't doing
nothing later, I'm...
Copy !req
83. Will,
you got to help me.
Copy !req
84. I took
Nicky shopping,
Copy !req
85. but I can't
try anything on.
Copy !req
86. I mean, he just lies there
watching me get undressed
Copy !req
87. and making these
tiny little drool bubbles,
Copy !req
88. and, well, he reminds
me of Trevor.
Copy !req
89. So you take him.
Copy !req
90. Whoa, whoa.
Hold up, girl.
Copy !req
91. I'm working this
place by myeslf.
Copy !req
92. Jackie's at
an away game,
Copy !req
93. and I ain't
got no time
Copy !req
94. for no,
"give me my bottle,"
Copy !req
95. or, "change
my didie"...
Copy !req
96. "Wipe my Booty."
Copy !req
97. Oh, will,
your little boy
Copy !req
98. is just adorable.
Copy !req
99. Well, like padre,
like nino.
Copy !req
100. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
101. All right,
break it up.
Copy !req
102. Move on.
Nothing to see here.
Copy !req
103. Show's over.
Beat it!
Copy !req
104. Hi.
Copy !req
105. Hey.
Copy !req
106. Could I get a picture
of you and your son together?
Copy !req
107. Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Copy !req
108. How do you manage
being a single father?
Copy !req
109. Doesn't it
get lonely?
Copy !req
110. Well...
Copy !req
111. You know, the nights
is kind of bad, you know,
Copy !req
112. because I have to be
both mommy and daddy
Copy !req
113. to little Willy Jr. here
since tarisha died.
Copy !req
114. That's it.
I'm not gonna stand here
Copy !req
115. another minute
and listen to this—
Copy !req
116. hey, isn't that the guy
who played Greg Brady?
Copy !req
117. Where?
Hey, Greg, wait up!
Copy !req
118. You are quite
a guy, will.
Copy !req
119. Just tell me
everything about you.
Copy !req
120. You mean, you want
to be our friend?
Copy !req
121. Yeah.
Copy !req
122. Hey, little Willy,
we made a new friend...
Copy !req
123. And she can sleep over
any time she wants to.
Copy !req
124. Your dad and I just had
the most romantic lunch.
Copy !req
125. Romantic?
Copy !req
126. I don't mean to be
critical, Vivian,
Copy !req
127. but you did
mention the baby,
Copy !req
128. what, 3
or 4 dozen times?
Copy !req
129. But it was so romantic
Copy !req
130. when you asked that
strolling violinist
Copy !req
131. to play
my favorite song.
Copy !req
132. Yes, and what
did you request?
Copy !req
133. "The wheels on the bus
go round and round."
Copy !req
134. Vivian, we used to
go to a restaurant
Copy !req
135. and not even be able
to make it to the table.
Copy !req
136. Do you remember
Copy !req
137. the cloak room
at Mario's Peruvian?
Copy !req
138. Excuse me,
Copy !req
139. but when did I get
old enough to hear this?
Copy !req
140. Oh!
Copy !req
141. Excuse me.
Copy !req
142. Geoffrey,
where's the baby?
Copy !req
143. The baby?
Ah, the baby.
Copy !req
144. Actually,
miss hilary insisted
Copy !req
145. on taking him out
for the afternoon,
Copy !req
146. and since
the poor girl's
Copy !req
147. still so depressed
about Trevor,
Copy !req
148. I hadn't the heart
to refuse.
Copy !req
149. Hi, everybody.
Copy !req
150. Geoffrey, could you
give me a hand?
Copy !req
151. I left the most
important thing
Copy !req
152. in the car.
Hilary!
Copy !req
153. You left the baby
alone in the car?
Copy !req
154. Mother, I would
never do that.
Copy !req
155. How irresponsible
do you think I am?
Copy !req
156. Well, then
where's the baby?
Copy !req
157. I don't know.
Copy !req
158. Mom, you have to see
these earrings I bought.
Copy !req
159. The little
diamonds spell out—
Copy !req
160. hilary!
Copy !req
161. How did you know?
Copy !req
162. Hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
163. My baby.
Come to mommy.
Copy !req
164. Oh, coming, mommy.
Copy !req
165. Wait a minute, will.
Copy !req
166. How did you
get ahold of the baby?
Copy !req
167. Wasn't hilary
supposed to watch him?
Copy !req
168. Hilary?
Copy !req
169. Oh, God, it's not like
I left him at sizzler...
Copy !req
170. Dad.
Copy !req
171. Last time I do
you people any favors.
Copy !req
172. Don't worry, Nicky.
Mommy's got you now.
Copy !req
173. Well, guess
the only way
Copy !req
174. I'm gonna get any
attention around here
Copy !req
175. is if I start
wearing diapers.
Copy !req
176. No, Uncle Phil.
You got at least 5 years
Copy !req
177. before you need them.
Copy !req
178. Vivian.
Copy !req
179. Will, after
what you did today,
Copy !req
180. I don't even know
how you could
Copy !req
181. look me in the eye.
Copy !req
182. Easy. Like this.
Copy !req
183. Look, I won't
let you
Copy !req
184. use Nicky for evil
anymore.
Copy !req
185. Next time, I'm going
to the authorities.
Copy !req
186. Thanks for the warning,
captain weenie.
Copy !req
187. Will Smith?
Yeah.
Copy !req
188. Well, hello.
Copy !req
189. Buy you lunch
today, daddy?
Copy !req
190. Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
191. Man, this is
an embarrassment
Copy !req
192. of riches.
Copy !req
193. Well, what about me?
Copy !req
194. Oh, you just
an embarrassment, man.
Copy !req
195. Hey, Jackie, what's up?
Let me get that for you.
Copy !req
196. How was the game?
Copy !req
197. We won, man.
Get out.
Copy !req
198. So what's been
going on here?
Copy !req
199. Anything unusual?
Copy !req
200. No, no. Actually,
it's been pretty quiet.
Copy !req
201. Oh, good, cool.
Copy !req
202. So before I forget,
Copy !req
203. would you sign this
paper for me,
Copy !req
204. right here next
to your picture?
Copy !req
205. Oh, yeah, sure.
I don't see why—
Copy !req
206. haah!
Copy !req
207. No!
Copy !req
208. Oh, boy,
are you in trouble,
Copy !req
209. and I'd like to say,
"hey, I'm here for you,"
Copy !req
210. but, heck,
I'd be lying.
Copy !req
211. Ha ha ha!
Copy !req
212. Look, it's just
this little blurb
Copy !req
213. in some dumb
school newspaper.
Copy !req
214. Freeze.
Copy !req
215. Don't be coming over here
with no attitude.
Copy !req
216. This ain't my fault.
Copy !req
217. Oh? Whose
was it, then?
Copy !req
218. Well, yours.
What?
Copy !req
219. You heard me.
Copy !req
220. I'm saying, you know
I can't be trusted.
Copy !req
221. You woudn't have
left me here alone,
Copy !req
222. none of this mess
would ever happen.
Copy !req
223. I didn't come all the way
here from Philly
Copy !req
224. to hear this mess.
Copy !req
225. Don't be all
up in my grill.
Copy !req
226. Don't be all
up in my grill.
Copy !req
227. Excuse me?
Excuse me?
Copy !req
228. You ain't never
going to change!
Copy !req
229. I'm getting
the last word!
Copy !req
230. Oh, no, you not!
Copy !req
231. Oh, yes, I am.
Copy !req
232. Damn!
Damn!
Copy !req
233. Will, hi.
Copy !req
234. What? Oh, hey.
Copy !req
235. How you doing?
That's right,
Copy !req
236. a beautiful woman...
Copy !req
237. Oh, I guess I should've told
you I'm on the school paper
Copy !req
238. I hope you're not mad.
Copy !req
239. Mad?
No, I ain't mad.
Copy !req
240. Then why
are you yelling?
Copy !req
241. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
242. I got a slight hearing
problem deficiency,
Copy !req
243. you know, from my night job
at the target range.
Copy !req
244. Oh, you poor thing.
Copy !req
245. Listen, I got a class now,
but could you meet me
Copy !req
246. here tomorrow morning,
say, around 9:00?
Copy !req
247. Cool, because I'd love
to see that sweet baby again.
Copy !req
248. Huh? Oh.
Copy !req
249. Oh, I think
he has plans.
Copy !req
250. Oh, well,
that's too bad
Copy !req
251. because I was thinking
maybe the 3 of us
Copy !req
252. could do something
really special together,
Copy !req
253. and then while he's
taking his little nappy,
Copy !req
254. who knows?
Copy !req
255. Well, he just a baby.
Copy !req
256. How important
could his plans be?
Copy !req
257. You're so cute.
Copy !req
258. I know. Ain't I?
Copy !req
259. Ok. So I'll meet
you here at 9:00,
Copy !req
260. and you won't
be sorry.
Copy !req
261. Oh, I know
I won't be sorry...
Copy !req
262. 'Cause I
got me a woman!
Copy !req
263. All I need
is me a baby.
Copy !req
264. Hi, baby.
Hello, dear.
Copy !req
265. Are you talking
to me?
Copy !req
266. Of course I am.
Copy !req
267. I know I've been
ignoring you lately,
Copy !req
268. so would you let me
make it up to you?
Copy !req
269. Mm. Maybe.
Copy !req
270. Oh, all right.
Copy !req
271. I've seen you both
naked, anyway.
Copy !req
272. Sweetheart, I have
rented us a suite
Copy !req
273. at the bel-air hotel
for tonight.
Copy !req
274. Now, Carlton's going
to take care of Nicky
Copy !req
275. so I can
take care of you.
Copy !req
276. All right.
That's it!
Copy !req
277. That's it.
I'm tired of this.
Copy !req
278. Y'all two need
some time alone, ok?
Copy !req
279. You will leave
Nicky here.
Copy !req
280. You will go get
a fly hotel suite,
Copy !req
281. and you gonna chill,
and you ain't coming
Copy !req
282. back here till
tomorrow afternoon.
Copy !req
283. Come on.
Let's go pack.
Copy !req
284. Oh, Philip,
this is so wonderful.
Copy !req
285. I have been
working so hard
Copy !req
286. taking care of the baby
night and day.
Copy !req
287. Yes. Well, you just
lay back and relax
Copy !req
288. and let daddy
take care of you.
Copy !req
289. Dim the lights,
Vivian.
Copy !req
290. Oh!
Copy !req
291. Yes, baby.
Copy !req
292. You know, sweetheart...
Copy !req
293. For the longest time,
I've had the feeling
Copy !req
294. that the fire in our marriage
had gone out,
Copy !req
295. but now I know
that the flame still burns.
Copy !req
296. Can't get enough
of your love, baby.
Copy !req
297. Vivian?
Copy !req
298. Vivian?
Copy !req
299. Vivian.
Copy !req
300. Ok. Look, Nicky,
this is very important.
Copy !req
301. Come on.
Repeat after me.
Copy !req
302. Dada.
Copy !req
303. Oh, man.
Copy !req
304. Oh, hey,
sorry, my man.
Copy !req
305. Place doesn't
open up till 10:00.
Copy !req
306. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
307. I kind of lost track of time
since I pawned my watch.
Copy !req
308. No. Heck, I don't need
Copy !req
309. to bother you
with my problems.
Copy !req
310. No. Wait. Hold up, man.
It's cool.
Copy !req
311. Here. Have a seat
right here.
Copy !req
312. There you go.
Copy !req
313. Got a little
something for you
Copy !req
314. on the house.
Copy !req
315. Thank you.
Copy !req
316. Hey, least
I can do, man.
Copy !req
317. You're my inspiration.
Copy !req
318. Aha! Caught you!
Copy !req
319. Oh, no!
It's captain weenie
Copy !req
320. and his bag of tricks.
Copy !req
321. You're despicable.
Copy !req
322. I went to check up
on my little brother
Copy !req
323. this morning,
and what did I find?
Copy !req
324. A zucchini.
A zucchini, will!
Copy !req
325. Well, I've had enough
of your twisted charade.
Copy !req
326. Hey, hey, man,
what are you doing?
Copy !req
327. I'm taking
you down, mister.
Copy !req
328. I'm calling mom and dad
at the bel-air hotel.
Copy !req
329. You got change
for a dollar?
Copy !req
330. Oh, no. You got
to buy something.
Copy !req
331. Ok. Um... Give me
a pack of gum.
Copy !req
332. Sorry.
We're closed.
Copy !req
333. Well, there's
a world of change
Copy !req
334. out there, mister,
Copy !req
335. and I'm going
to find it.
Copy !req
336. Morning, will.
I'm so glad you could make it,
Copy !req
337. and little Willy, too.
Copy !req
338. Yeah. We came here
straight from church.
Copy !req
339. What's up
with that special
Copy !req
340. something-something
you promised me?
Copy !req
341. Ok. Close your eyes.
Copy !req
342. Now, I knew you
wouldn't agree to this
Copy !req
343. if I hadn't kept it
a surprise.
Copy !req
344. A surprise?
What you talking about?
Copy !req
345. Surprise!
Surprise!
Copy !req
346. Will Smith, you are live
here on "the heart file show."
Copy !req
347. I'm your host,
Jake Maxwell.
Copy !req
348. And this is ula's
father of the year.
Copy !req
349. Guess you're pretty
excited, huh, will?
Copy !req
350. Sorry. We're closed.
Copy !req
351. We'll be open at 10:00.
Copy !req
352. Mmm.
Copy !req
353. Yeah, you better
wake up, Vivian.
Copy !req
354. Olive oyl's looking
awfully good right now.
Copy !req
355. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry I
fell asleep last night,
Copy !req
356. but guess what?
Copy !req
357. I'm wide awake now.
Copy !req
358. Quit it. Quit it.
I am not in the mood.
Copy !req
359. Move. You're
blocking bluto.
Copy !req
360. I'm going to
go freshen up.
Copy !req
361. Why don't you turn on
some more of that music?
Copy !req
362. Will Smith, what's
it like being a single father
Copy !req
363. here in L.A.
Copy !req
364. Oh, you know,
I'm saying,
Copy !req
365. you know,
it ain't easy,
Copy !req
366. you know, being
a single father like me,
Copy !req
367. but little Willy—
Willy Jr. here
Copy !req
368. makes everything
worthwhile.
Copy !req
369. Honey, did you see—
Copy !req
370. let's dance,
Vivian, huh?
Copy !req
371. Oh, Philip!
What in the world—
Copy !req
372. nothing. Nothing.
Copy !req
373. That's my baby.
Copy !req
374. That's my zucchini.
Copy !req
375. "the heart file" wants to make
your life a little easier,
Copy !req
376. so here's
a year's supply
Copy !req
377. of baby products
for your son.
Copy !req
378. Oh, this
is ridiculous.
Copy !req
379. What does he know
about babies?
Copy !req
380. This is his idea
of a baby.
Copy !req
381. Get that fruitcake
out of here.
Copy !req
382. Hey!
Copy !req
383. Listen, I don't deserve
all this stuff.
Copy !req
384. That's right,
young fella.
Copy !req
385. You deserve
a whole lot more.
Copy !req
386. So how's about
a holiday in Hawaii?
Copy !req
387. Oh, look, I can't—
Copy !req
388. I'm sorry,
did you say Hawaii?
Copy !req
389. Will, if it's
not too painful,
Copy !req
390. could you tell
the folks at home
Copy !req
391. a little bit
about tarisha?
Copy !req
392. Uh, tarisha,
your, uh, son's mother.
Copy !req
393. Oh! That tarisha.
Copy !req
394. Yes, uh,
she's dead now.
Copy !req
395. Um, I met her
after I, uh,
Copy !req
396. got back from, um...
Copy !req
397. From fighting
them oil fires,
Copy !req
398. uh, in Kuwait,
you know, and my hair
Copy !req
399. and my eyebrows,
and everything
Copy !req
400. had just started
growing back,
Copy !req
401. and general Powell
said to me,
Copy !req
402. "you need to get down
with a little some r&r
Copy !req
403. 'cause you're looking
a little singed."
Copy !req
404. You know, so in China—
he sent me to China,
Copy !req
405. and then that's
where we met.
Copy !req
406. It was in
a little-known province
Copy !req
407. uh, called, uh,
rae dawn Chong.
Copy !req
408. And...
Copy !req
409. Well, sayonara.
Copy !req
410. Could you tell us more
of your touching story?
Copy !req
411. I'll just
take him out.
Copy !req
412. No, no. Hold—hold
up a second, man.
Copy !req
413. Um... Uh...
Copy !req
414. Look, by a show
of hands here,
Copy !req
415. how many of y'all
got a sense of humor?
Copy !req
416. Huh? Huh?
Copy !req
417. All right, look.
Copy !req
418. I ain't no
father of the year.
Copy !req
419. I'm not even a father.
Copy !req
420. I made all of
this stuff up.
Copy !req
421. I'm kind of good
at that.
Copy !req
422. This is
my cousin Nicky,
Copy !req
423. and I don't deserve
all these gifts.
Copy !req
424. Oh, but this dude here,
this guy here, I mean,
Copy !req
425. he's the real single father
with the real problems.
Copy !req
426. Give him all the stuff.
Copy !req
427. Hawaii, too?
Copy !req
428. No, homey, I thought
I'd hang onto Hawaii.
Copy !req
429. You know...
Copy !req
430. Hawaii, too.
Copy !req
431. And that's another
heartwarming moment from...
Copy !req
432. "The heart file."
Copy !req
433. Are we off?
Copy !req
434. Somebody get me
a drink.
Copy !req
435. You creep!
Copy !req
436. Just wait till you see
what I write
Copy !req
437. about you
in tomorrow's paper.
Copy !req
438. But, baby, I—
Copy !req
439. see?
Copy !req
440. I can tell the truth.
Copy !req
441. I'm saying,
you know, uh...
Copy !req
442. Maybe there's a little
hope for me yet?
Copy !req
443. Very little.
Copy !req
444. Will, I'm out of here.
Copy !req
445. I just want to say
"thank you" one more time.
Copy !req
446. Hey,
no problem, man.
Copy !req
447. Hey, you know, it
actually makes me
Copy !req
448. feel good
to do something
Copy !req
449. for somebody who
really needed it,
Copy !req
450. and I was starting
to feel stank, you know,
Copy !req
451. claiming that as my baby
and everything.
Copy !req
452. Yeah, I know
what you mean.
Copy !req
453. See, this ain't
my kid, either.
Copy !req
454. Ha ha ha! Aloha!
Ha ha ha!
Copy !req
455. Oh, see,
that's so wrong.
Copy !req
456. You know, will,
Copy !req
457. if you had pulled
a stunt like this
Copy !req
458. when you were
in high school,
Copy !req
459. God knows what
I would've done.
Copy !req
460. Why, I might have done
something like this.
Copy !req
461. Aah!
Copy !req
462. Captioning made possible by
Warner bros.
Copy !req
463. Captioned by the national
captioning institute
Copy !req
464. I went to check
on my little brother,
Copy !req
465. and you know
what a found?
Copy !req
466. A zucc—
a zucchini.
Copy !req
467. Um, what?
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
468. I didn't hear what you found.
Copy !req
469. A zucchini, will.
Copy !req
470. Oh.
Copy !req
471. Good-bye, captain weenie.
Copy !req