The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air 4x12

Directed by Shelley Jensen

Craig Shoemaker as Louis • Robin Quivers as Judith • Tyra Banks as Jackie Ames • Cylk Cozart as Hank Farley • Paul Ganus as Jim

Will uses booze to prove his manliness while competing with a hulking football hero who wants to score points with Jackie, and his fraternity brothers leave drunken Will in a cemetery, where he is haunted. Meanwhile, Ashley learns that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Guess what I have in my hand.

2. Do I have to call security?

3. Before you have me tossed in the clink,

4. you might want to check it out.

5. Uncle Phil's floor seats to the Lakers.

6. I'll pick you up 6:00, 6:15?

7. Will, I appreciate your asking,

8. especially three hours before game time,

9. but I'm kind of dating someone right now.

10. You dating somebody right now?

11. How come I didn't know?

12. I have my reasons.

13. Oh, I get it. I get it.

14. You embarrassed.

15. Dude's probably some snaggle-toothed,

16. pie-faced, snausage-lipped, hunchback—

17. it's Hank farley.

18. Heisman trophy-winning fool.

19. Tonight's Hank's 21st birthday party.

20. Jackie, come on, girl.

21. Now, you know that Hank farley is not your type.

22. You strip away the shoulder pads,

23. muscles, and dimples, and what you got?

24. You.

25. hey, hey, hey, hey.

26. Going to the Lakers game?

27. There's been a change of plans.

28. I'm going to a party.

29. Ask him if he got any 7s.

30. Got any 7s, daddy?

31. Ah, miss Ashley.

32. Ready for your big date?

33. Not really.

34. What's wrong?

35. You ever have a day where you don't feel pretty?

36. No.

37. I don't know what to do.

38. Robert's due at 8:00.

39. My hair's a mess, nothing looks good on me,

40. and I feel fat.

41. Oh, Ashley, you look adorable.

42. That's comforting, coming from my father.

43. That's it. I'm not going.

44. Ashley, wait.

45. Your date won't be here for another hour.

46. I'll give you some hilary banks beauty tips.

47. Trust me. I know exactly what you're feeling.

48. You mean you've had nights

49. where you felt fat and ugly?

50. O.K., I don't know exactly what you're feeling.

51. You know, so, when I was at notre dame, right,

52. they put me in the last play at a last game, right?

53. Of course, when Hollywood got a hold of my story

54. they made it a white dude, huh?

55. What are you doing here, anyway?

56. Never mind.

57. I think I'll go have some chips.

58. I'm feeling chippy.

59. Excuse me. Excuse me.

60. Will!

61. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

62. Hey, Jackie!

63. I didn't see you standing in front of the dip.

64. Is this guy a friend of yours?

65. Who wants to know?

66. Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank!

67. Hank! Hank! Hank! Hank!

68. And you are?

69. Where's Hank?

70. If that was a sorority,

71. they'd know my name.

72. You know, I was wondering.

73. Was that the Ohio state game

74. where you fumbled three times?

75. Yeah. I shouldn't have played with a broken hand.

76. Well, I played basketball once without a leg.

77. That explains why your jokes are so lame.

78. Was that your call,

79. or did the coach send that in?

80. The testosterone is starting to reach a dangerous level.

81. Carlton, you want to dance?

82. You want to dance with me?

83. Really?

84. I always thought there was chemistry between us.

85. There was an indescribable something that—

86. do you want to dance?

87. Daddy, I hope you're sitting down.

88. Oh.

89. We all knew that Ashley was, well, cute,

90. but with my help,

91. she has turned into an absolute knockout.

92. So it gives me great pleasure to present...

93. The new Ashley banks!

94. Well, isn't she the most gorgeous creature you've ever seen?

95. Well, honey...

96. She looks like you.

97. I know. Isn't it great?

98. I can't wait for mom to see her.

99. When's she coming home?

100. Well, I'm not sure.

101. She's bowling next door at the spelling's.

102. Ashley, sweetheart, are you comfortable dressed like this?

103. It all comes down to what Robert thinks—

104. Ashley, aren't we forgetting something?

105. Ha ah!

106. I am so proud.

107. Don't move. I need a picture of this.

108. I'll go get my camera.

109. Well, Ashley,

110. you look very nice.

111. Nice? I look like honey, I shrunk the hilary.

112. If you don't like it,

113. why don't you tell her?

114. It'd hurt her feelings.

115. There's only one thing I can do.

116. Hello, Robert? Listen, I can't go.

117. I got stuck babysitting my little brother.

118. Yeah, me, too.

119. Well, bye.

120. O.K., say, "charge it."

121. Hilary, Robert canceled on me.

122. And after all your hard work.

123. Oh, that's awful.

124. But look on the bright side—

125. you might have gotten dumped,

126. but you look marvelous.

127. Ashley, where did you learn to lie like that?

128. Mom taught me.

129. Poor Jackie, man.

130. Stuck over there with that clown.

131. She got to be miserable.

132. Whoo!

133. Go, Hank! Yeah! Whoo!

134. What would it take for me to get a woman to make that noise?

135. Probably cash.

136. You know what?

137. I can't stand to see her suffer like this.

138. Excuse me. Excuse me. Montana. Montana.

139. Here's how we do this in a hep city.

140. What's up, man?

141. What's up with you?

142. Hank, let me dance with him

143. this one time, alright?

144. Whatever you say, baby.

145. Why don't you go take a steroid break?

146. I'm glad we got rid of that nut.

147. You're pretty good with your legs,

148. but let's see about your arms.

149. What?

150. Arm wrestling?

151. That's a boy's game.

152. You're right.

153. Step up...

154. To a man's game. Matt!

155. If this is over me, just stop it.

156. This is bigger than you, baby.

157. It's a man thing.

158. Excuse me.

159. All right, lightweight.

160. Bottoms up.

161. Freeze!

162. What do you think you're doing?

163. You can't drink.

164. Why not?

165. Because you're underage.

166. It's against the law, mister.

167. Thank you very much, macgruff the crime dog,

168. but this is the law of the jungle.

169. It's chump or be chumped.

170. I know what I'm doing.

171. A toast...

172. To my worthy opponent.

173. In the words of public enemy...

174. Bring the noise!

175. Whoo! Whoo!

176. Whoo! Whoo!

177. Smooth.

178. All right! All right!

179. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

180. Boo!

181. Come on!

182. Will, stop it.

183. This has gotten way out of hand.

184. What you talkin' about, man?

185. I only had...

186. Two.

187. Look, you've had enough. Come on, get up.

188. There. You happy?

189. Will.

190. Hey, look, look. Listen, man, listen.

191. I'm not stopping until he does.

192. So shh!

193. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

194. You got it!

195. Banzai!

196. Feed us, sasquatch.

197. I've had all I can take of this damn thing.

198. Carlton, would you take me home, please?

199. Jackie.

200. Yeah, Carlton,

201. have the valet bring around your big wheel.

202. Hee hee hee!

203. I'm ashamed of you.

204. I'm going to go take Jackie home.

205. Wait here till I get back.

206. You're in no condition to drive, mister.

207. In fact, give me your keys.

208. What you talkin' about?

209. I can keep my own car keys, you understand?

210. I'm responsible.

211. Did you know I had a puppy?

212. What happened to him?

213. I don't know.

214. Give me those keys.

215. Hee hee hee!

216. Uh-uh-uh! That ain't it.

217. Just wait here. I'll be back for you.

218. I hope you goin' to have fun

219. drivin' my gym locker.

220. You happy, chump?

221. Jackie left.

222. Oh, man. That's really— that's a shame.

223. That's a shame.

224. 'Cause she's gonna miss my tribute to you.

225. Excuse me.

226. Ladies and gentlemen...

227. I'd like to make a roast to...

228. Mr. stank barley.

229. Now, listen, listen.

230. This man...

231. Is an all-American.

232. Which don't really matter 'cause we all Americans.

233. Hee hee hee.

234. No, but seriously,

235. spanky has got some moves,

236. but he ain't gettin' no parts of the scoreboard

237. with my girl Jackie,

238. 'cause she can see through chumps like you

239. a mile away.

240. Both of you.

241. You jock-itchin',

242. wide-receivin',

243. love to take the snap punk!

244. Ah ha ha ha!

245. Happy kwanza, creep!

246. Aw, look at that.

247. I think he's dead.

248. And you know where dead people go.

249. Hey, kid.

250. Uh...

251. Get up.

252. What's that, Jackie?

253. You got an even smaller bathing suit?

254. Alright, sleepy, let's go.

255. Naptime's over.

256. Ooh, man.

257. I feel like death.

258. You came to the right place.

259. Ha ha ha ha ha!

260. Oh, man.

261. What the—

262. yo!

263. Are you the caretaker here?

264. Uh, no. I'm more like a tenant.

265. Do you play poker?

266. We need a fourth.

267. A fourth? There's only two of us.

268. Now there's four.

269. Heh heh heh heh.

270. Make it three.

271. Y'all are dead, aren't you?

272. "Dead" is so politically incorrect.

273. We prefer the term "living impaired."

274. It's much nicer.

275. I can live with that.

276. Am—am I dead?

277. Well, there's only one way to find out.

278. Take the wall test.

279. What—

280. ah ha ha ha!

281. The living guys always fall for that.

282. Sit down.

283. Smoke?

284. No, I don't smoke.

285. You shouldn't either, man.

286. I just gave a health tip to a dead guy.

287. Somebody's been hitting the vino.

288. Oh, it's Tequila.

289. I was just going shot for shot

290. with this football clown.

291. Oh, drinking contests are nowheresville.

292. You want to prove you're a real man, you play chicken.

293. Two guys drive towards a cliff.

294. First one that stops loses.

295. That's how I got here.

296. I won.

297. I'm sorry. Let's review here.

298. You went flying off a cliff.

299. The guy who didn't

300. is probably laying up under your woman right now,

301. and you're stuck here

302. playing eternal poker with no chips.

303. Nice going, buddy.

304. Hey, they called me yellow!

305. Oh, please, rebel without a clue.

306. It's kids like you that make me glad I never had children.

307. So you were married?

308. Yes, but I was so focused on my career

309. that my husband left me... I think.

310. I actually never did have time to read that note.

311. So what did you do?

312. I was in publishing.

313. Worked with the number-one author.

314. It's very competitive,

315. but I pushed and pushed until I made it to the top.

316. I liked being on top.

317. I was a real winner.

318. Is winning really worth going to an early grave?

319. You bet it is.

320. I always wanted to be the best.

321. I never even sat down between rounds.

322. I couldn't wait to slug it out.

323. Let me guess. You died in the ring.

324. No. During the postfight interview.

325. The doctor said the next punch could kill me.

326. A lucky guess.

327. If you don't mind me saying,

328. you all died for some really dumb reasons.

329. That's where you're wrong.

330. We may have paid the ultimate price,

331. but at least we had everyone's respect.

332. Yes, their last respects.

333. Oh, not again.

334. Yo, Billy!

335. Go back to your plot!

336. That damn kid won't stay buried.

337. I don't have the patience to deal with him.

338. Would you mind?

339. Oh... Yeah.

340. Sure—sure.

341. O.K.

342. Heh heh.

343. Hey, Billy?

344. Who wants to know?

345. My name's will Smith.

346. Can you catch?

347. Oh, yeah. Let's see what you got.

348. Ohh!

349. That's some arm you got, kid.

350. I know. I was going to play shortstop for the Dodgers.

351. Maybe you still will one day.

352. Billy...

353. How did you die?

354. I was playing ball on the sidewalk.

355. This car... Jumped the curb, took me out.

356. The driver was drunk.

357. Come on. Let's play.

358. No. Uh, no, um...

359. I'm not feeling so good, Billy.

360. I-I'm going to just chill a minute.

361. Will!

362. Will!

363. Will!

364. Hey, will!

365. Hey, hey...

366. Uncle Phil!

367. Hey, man.

368. Uhh, hey, hey.

369. Hey.

370. You're little.

371. Don't worry, ash. There are plenty of men in the sea.

372. Fish in the sea.

373. No, men.

374. Fish don't own yachts.

375. Look, Ashley,

376. Robert was a jerk for standing you up,

377. but he'll be sorry.

378. Why do you say that?

379. Starting tomorrow, not only am I doing your hair and makeup,

380. but I'm getting you a manicure, pedicure, and mud bath.

381. People will think we're twins.

382. Hilary...

383. Robert didn't stand me up.

384. I canceled our date.

385. Why?

386. I appreciate you trying to do all this for me,

387. but it just isn't me.

388. I didn't feel comfortable having Robert see me like that.

389. I hope you're not mad.

390. Ashley...

391. You're my baby sister, and I love you.

392. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to look just the way you are.

393. You just won't do the volume I do.

394. Miss Ashley, a young man to see you.

395. Robert. Oh my God. I look terrible.

396. Stop!

397. Thought I could help you babysit.

398. This is embarrassing.

399. I'm not really babysitting.

400. You're not? Then, why did you tell me—

401. look, it's along story.

402. Tell me about it over some frozen yogurt?

403. Really?

404. Let's go.

405. Well, miss Hillary,

406. I guess beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

407. Yeah, right.

408. Oh, man.

409. How could I make such a mess of this stuff?

410. Not rolling down the window before you ralphed

411. was a good start.

412. Why even bother competing with a guy like that?

413. Dude tried to play me. What could I do?

414. You could've walked away.

415. Th—I know.

416. You know, it's like

417. I was watching myself being stupid,

418. but I couldn't do nothing about it.

419. Whew. That must be what Chevy chase felt like.

420. I can relate.

421. Remember last Christmas when I had that second slice of rum cake?

422. There I was on the kitchen table,

423. lampshade on my head, singing show tunes.

424. Trust me, I learned my lesson.

425. I ain't never drinking again.

426. Will, it's a matter of being responsible and knowing your limits.

427. You know, I almost got in my car

428. and drove home tonight.

429. Well, let's just be glad you didn't.

430. Well, I got a lot accomplished today, huh?

431. I lost Jackie,

432. I lost my self-respect,

433. I lost my dinner.

434. I ain't got nothin' left.

435. Wrong again.

436. Unh...

437. I'm sorry, guys, but I really don't remember my next line.

438. No, I really don't.

439. Is, uh, winning worth—

440. oh, o.K. We can keep going.