1. Will, academic
probation is serious.
Copy !req
2. How could you
let this happen?
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3. It's Professor
Burton's fault.
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4. He used to be
an easy grader
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5. till him and his wife
got a divorce.
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6. And he became impossible.
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7. The last test he
gave I got a 4,
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8. and I cheated.
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9. Oh, this is horrible.
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10. Hey, hey,
Professor Burton,
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11. hope that ain't
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12. my essay
you're reading.
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13. Hey, will.
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14. I haven't gotten
to yours yet.
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15. I'll finish them
tonight,
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16. right after I move
the last of my things
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17. out of our—
her garage.
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18. Look, have mercy
on me, man.
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19. You know I'm on
academic probation.
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20. Will, I like you, but I
have to be objective.
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21. When I'm here at
the university,
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22. I can't afford to let
my personal feelings
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23. influence my
professional behavior.
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24. Guess I won't be needing
that anymore.
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25. Uh, hey, look, man,
I usually keep this
Copy !req
26. on a need-to-know
basis,
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27. but you look like
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28. you really need
to know.
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29. Behold.
My chicktionary.
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30. A little
black book, huh?
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31. Oh, yessir.
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32. Well, what are
these letters
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33. next to the girls'
names?
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34. Oh, those
are grades.
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35. There's a lot of fs.
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36. That ain't necessarily
a bad thing, you know?
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37. Yeah.
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38. What's the "b" mean?
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39. Be prepared
for a possible "f."
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40. captioning made possible by
Warner bros.
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41. Hi, will.
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42. Oh, hey, look,
I'll be right back.
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43. Oh, and ggwab
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44. means good God,
what a Booty.
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45. Hil, what
are you doing here?
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46. I need
to switch cars.
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47. Oh, that's cool. What's
wrong with your car?
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48. I'm going
shoe shopping.
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49. I need the wagon.
Bye.
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50. Who was that?
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51. Hilary? Oh,
that's my cousin.
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52. Is she involved
with anyone?
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53. Mostly just herself.
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54. Oh, you know,
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55. she was just
telling me today
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56. could really use
a man in her life,
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57. and, well—you
a man.
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58. Hey, look,
check it out.
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59. Why don't you come over
to our house tonight?
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60. All right? And I'll
introduce y'all.
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61. Will, I really
appreciate this.
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62. A woman like her could
really lift my spirits.
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63. Maybe she can do the same
for my grade.
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64. Hey, everybody,
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65. I just bought Nicky
a brand-new crib.
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66. Oh, the crib chalet
has over 100 features,
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67. including automatic
guardrail extension,
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68. infrared climb-out
sensors,
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69. and a built-in
busybox.
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70. Some assembly
required.
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71. Oh, no.
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72. Carlton, my boy,
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73. go put on
your work clothes.
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74. Help me.
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75. I'm not going to miss
a minute of this.
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76. Philip, I know what's
going to happen.
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77. Carlton's going to start
in on your nerves.
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78. And you're gonna end up
at his throat.
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79. Nonsense.
This is a perfect time
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80. for a father and son
to spend quality time together.
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81. Geoffrey, go fetch
my tools.
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82. You mean
your knife and fork?
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83. Hey, hil, you got
a second?
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84. Sure.
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85. "Sweet savage lust."
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86. One of
the classics, huh?
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87. It's about this rich,
beautiful girl
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88. who loses her lover
in a terrible accident
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89. and spends her nights
alone, mourning his death.
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90. Ha ha! Where do they get
these stories?
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91. Hey, look, hil,
you know,
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92. Trevor's been gone
for months now.
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93. D-don't you
miss dating?
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94. Yeah. At first
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95. I felt guilty
for wanting to,
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96. but I think if Trevor
were still alive,
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97. he'd want me to see
other guys.
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98. Exactly.
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99. Um, wait right here.
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100. What are you doing?
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101. Hilary banks,
Scott Burton.
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102. When a man
is in love,
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103. he endures more
than at other times.
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104. He submits
to everything.
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105. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
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106. Don't make me have
to turn the hose
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107. on y'all, dude.
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108. Will.
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109. Yeah.
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110. What's going on here?
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111. Well, hil, I figured
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112. you might have
something in common.
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113. I was saying, he's
a English Professor
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114. and—and—and you
speak some English.
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115. Look, Steve—
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116. Scott.
Whatever.
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117. I'm really sorry, but—
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118. no, I'm sorry.
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119. I was just so struck
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120. by your beauty
today,
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121. I had to meet you.
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122. I'm terrible at this
kind of thing.
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123. Oh, you're
not terrible.
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124. Shields are down, Scotty.
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125. Fire!
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126. I know
this is last minute,
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127. but an artist friend
gave me tickets
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128. to a gallery opening
in venice.
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129. That's very nice, Scott,
but don't you think Italy
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130. is more of a second
date kind of thing?
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131. No, no.
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132. I mean
venice beach.
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133. Well, it sounds
like fun.
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134. Do I have time
to change?
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135. Well, if you like,
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136. but true loveliness
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137. needs not
the foreign aid
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138. of ornament.
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139. Well, duh.
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140. Uh, hold up, man.
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141. There's no tag
on this.
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142. I need a price check
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143. on a peacock
athletic supporter,
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144. size small.
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145. Never mind.
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146. Will, I had the best
time with hilary.
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147. Cannot wait
to see her again.
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148. Oh, and by the way, I graded
your essay this morning.
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149. The whole class
did rather well,
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150. but you, my friend,
got a b-plus.
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151. Yes! I got a b-plus.
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152. I'm will. Call me.
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153. I also spoke
with your counselor,
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154. and he's agreed
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155. to take you off
academic probation
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156. provided you do well
on my midterm Friday.
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157. Thanks a lot, man.
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158. But a big midterm
on Friday means
Copy !req
159. you're gonna have
to spend all weekend
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160. grading papers.
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161. I'll, uh, make the test one
question, open-book.
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162. Welcome to
the family, man.
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163. Whoo!
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164. All right.
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165. Hey, you know what?
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166. Allow me.
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167. Will, you should be
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168. ashamed of yourself.
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169. Hey, Jackie,
I can explain.
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170. Explain what?
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171. How you're using
your cousin
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172. just to get yourself
a good grade?
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173. Hey, look, Jackie,
it ain't like that.
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174. I know you, will,
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175. but I still burn with
desire for you, baby.
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176. Yo, Jackie,
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177. I'm just looking out
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178. for number one. You
know what I'm saying?
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179. You know. You know.
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180. I don't know
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181. who you been talking
to, rhetta,
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182. but, no, I don't
be giving
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183. my dates grades.
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184. That's all I'm
saying, so are we
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185. going to kick it
tomorrow night,
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186. or what?
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187. I don't know, do
a little shum shum.
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188. You know, who knows?
You with that?
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189. I'll see you
tomorrow night then.
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190. Hah. Ahh.
Copy !req
191. Rhetta. "B."
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192. Ahh.
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193. I heard somebody made
a love connection.
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194. So tell me
about your date.
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195. I have to admit it,
will. You were right.
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196. I had fun last night.
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197. Well, trust me.
You got dude flipping.
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198. I like him, too.
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199. Hey, look, as long
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200. as you're going out
with Professor Burton,
Copy !req
201. Oh, well, then that sort of
presents a little problem.
Copy !req
202. Why? What's up?
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203. 'Cause I am never
going to see him again.
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204. Wait. Whoa. Whoa. Wait.
What do—what do you—
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205. what do you mean,
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206. you're never going
to see him again?
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207. You were just saying—
saying how dope he was.
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208. He has a mole.
Copy !req
209. Wait. Hilary,
wait a minute.
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210. Listen, I sit in
class with this man
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211. all day every day.
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212. And I ain't never
seen no mole.
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213. Well, I hardly
noticed it, too,
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214. but as the night went on,
it got bigger and bigger
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215. until it was all
I could see.
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216. Oh! It was disgusting.
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217. Hey, hilary, wait a minute
you can't just dump this guy
Copy !req
218. because of a tiny
physical imperfection.
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219. I mean, you ain't
perfect yourself, girl.
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220. Oh, stop.
Copy !req
221. Imperfections are what
make people special.
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222. Like, back in Philly,
a big butt on a sister
Copy !req
223. was considered
a thing of beauty.
Copy !req
224. You know, the more back
baby got, the better.
Copy !req
225. I mean, up to a point.
Copy !req
226. Then it's just nasty,
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227. but come on, hil,
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228. you got to give
this guy another chance.
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229. Telephone,
miss hilary.
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230. A Mr. Scott Burton.
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231. Oh, the mole man.
Tell him I moved.
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232. Hilary!
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233. Oh, all right.
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234. Hello, spot.
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235. I—I mean Scott.
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236. Oh, yeah.
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237. Yeah, I had a nice
time, too.
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238. Tomorrow night?
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239. Yes. Yes.
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240. Um, sure.
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241. O.K. I'll
see you then.
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242. Well, I did it.
I just hope
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243. I don't get nauseous
and faint.
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244. Hey—hey, hil,
you know what?
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245. I got a date
tomorrow night.
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246. We could just double.
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247. What that's going
to do?
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248. I don't know.
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249. Maybe take your mind
off it.
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250. I'll work mole patrol.
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251. Oh, thanks, will.
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252. That's great.
You're the best.
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253. I'll call Scott
and tell him.
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254. Where are we
going anyway?
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255. The opera.
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256. Dad, we started
three days ago.
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257. And there's
no end in sight.
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258. Let's just pay someone
to finish the job.
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259. Am I keeping you
Copy !req
260. from something
more important?
Copy !req
261. As a matter of fact,
yes. I've got midterms,
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262. and eventually, I'd like
to move out,
Copy !req
263. get a full-time job,
and start a family.
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264. And when you do,
I will help you
Copy !req
265. build one of these
for your child.
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266. I'll be smart enough to pay
someone to do it for me.
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267. And just how are
you going to do that
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268. without
a trust fund?
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269. Game, set, match.
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270. Now stop whining.
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271. What's next?
Copy !req
272. "Locate
the red lynch pin."
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273. Oh, got it.
Copy !req
274. "But do not remove it."
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275. Will, the lobster
was superb.
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276. Yeah. They gypped
us, though.
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277. They only gave us
the tail.
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278. Hilary, I got
the feeling at dinner
Copy !req
279. that your attention
was somewhere else.
Copy !req
280. Why would you
think that?
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281. This is our box.
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282. What is the matter
with you?
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283. You're making
a Mountain
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284. out of a mole, hil.
Copy !req
285. The mole?
I'm over that.
Copy !req
286. Well, then
what's the problem?
Copy !req
287. Did you see how huge
his Adam's apple is?
Copy !req
288. Eew!
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289. I don't believe this.
Copy !req
290. Every time he chewed,
it kept bouncing
Copy !req
291. up and down
and up and down.
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292. I mean,
what's in there,
Copy !req
293. a basketball?
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294. Shh!
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295. I can't look
at him anymore.
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296. I have to get
out of here.
Copy !req
297. Hil-hilary. Listen.
That is not a mole
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298. or an Adam's apple
that you're seeing.
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299. It's Trevor.
Copy !req
300. You're telling me
that Trevor
Copy !req
301. was reincarnated
in Scott's throat?
Copy !req
302. Hil, what
I'm trying to say
Copy !req
303. is that you miss Trevor
so much,
Copy !req
304. something inside of you
won't let go of him.
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305. If you walk out
on Scott now,
Copy !req
306. this could haunt you
for the rest of your life.
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307. What do you mean?
Copy !req
308. Well, you might
never go out again.
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309. You'll become
one of them
Copy !req
310. crazy old women
who walk around
Copy !req
311. all day long
with a shower cap on.
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312. You'll wear
a raggedy halter top
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313. that say, "jam."
Copy !req
314. Then you going
to start wearing
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315. rhinestone gauchos.
Copy !req
316. And then,
just for no reason,
Copy !req
317. you'll say,
♪ dum, dum, ditty
Copy !req
318. then you'll be eating
neckbone sandwiches
Copy !req
319. all the time
Copy !req
320. and screaming
at your little
Copy !req
321. imaginary dog brutus.
Copy !req
322. And you know what
the worst part is?
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323. The only man you're
gonna be able to get
Copy !req
324. is some fool
named grady,
Copy !req
325. who'll be smelling
like menthol all the time
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326. and falling asleep
in his soup.
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327. Oh, God,
I hate soup.
Copy !req
328. Then you march
through those curtains,
Copy !req
329. and you look his throat
in the face.
Copy !req
330. Everything all right?
Copy !req
331. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything's fine.
Copy !req
332. Hey, did we miss
the national anthem?
Copy !req
333. Some fool
named grady.
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334. Is, uh, hilary o.K.?
Copy !req
335. Seems like something's
bothering her.
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336. No, no, no, no.
Everything cool, man.
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337. You wouldn't happen
to have a turtleneck
Copy !req
338. out in your car,
would you?
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339. We are trying
to enjoy the opera.
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340. I know. It's hard,
ain't it?
Copy !req
341. His neck
is blocking my view.
Copy !req
342. It's like
watching a snake
Copy !req
343. digest a rabbit.
Copy !req
344. Hilary!
Copy !req
345. Listen, it is all
in your head.
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346. It's all
in his throat.
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347. Young man!
Copy !req
348. Did you see
Copy !req
349. "throw mama
from the train"?
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350. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.
Copy !req
351. Yuck!
Copy !req
352. I can't
stand it!
Copy !req
353. Scott is making
me sick.
Copy !req
354. Thank you for
a wonderful evening.
Copy !req
355. My Uncle's got her
on this crazy
Copy !req
356. curfew thing, man.
Copy !req
357. Hilary, listen.
I'm begging you,
Copy !req
358. please go back in there
and apologize to him.
Copy !req
359. It's very sweet of you
to worry about me, will,
Copy !req
360. but I'm going
to be just fine.
Copy !req
361. Look, hilary,
listen, um...
Copy !req
362. Look, if you leave now,
Copy !req
363. I might get kicked
out of school.
Copy !req
364. What?
Copy !req
365. Well, see,
Professor Burton
Copy !req
366. broke up with his wife,
Copy !req
367. and he was grading
really difficult,
Copy !req
368. so I figured if he
was a little happier—
Copy !req
369. you've been using me
to get a good grade?
Copy !req
370. No!
Copy !req
371. Not at all.
Copy !req
372. A little.
Copy !req
373. Oh, God.
Copy !req
374. Wait! Hilary!
Copy !req
375. Hey, Pavarotti,
go in there
Copy !req
376. and tell my date
I'll be back
Copy !req
377. in a minute, all right?
Copy !req
378. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
379. le crib chalet.
Copy !req
380. Oh!
Copy !req
381. Ooh, honey.
Copy !req
382. I owe you
an apology, honey.
Copy !req
383. Not only did
you did a great job
Copy !req
384. but you did it together
with Carlton.
Copy !req
385. Mom, do me
a favor.
Copy !req
386. Don't have
any more babies.
Copy !req
387. Dad, did you see
this report
Copy !req
388. in consummagazine?
Copy !req
389. It says the crib chalet's
Copy !req
390. the most dangerous crib
on the market.
Copy !req
391. What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
392. According to this,
the crib malfunctioned,
Copy !req
393. and an infant was tossed
50 feet in the air.
Copy !req
394. We can beat that.
Copy !req
395. Well, well, that
was just one crib.
Copy !req
396. The same thing
happened to twins
Copy !req
397. Why don't you read
an "Archie" comic book
Copy !req
398. or something?
Copy !req
399. Philip, the important
thing is
Copy !req
400. that you and your son spent
some quality time together.
Copy !req
401. You should be proud
of what you built.
Copy !req
402. Even if it is
a death trap.
Copy !req
403. You are just jealous
because you don't
Copy !req
404. have a son
like Carlton
Copy !req
405. to build something
with.
Copy !req
406. Yes, sir,
that must be it.
Copy !req
407. Look!
Copy !req
408. It's a bird!
Copy !req
409. It's a plane!
Copy !req
410. It's master Nicky!
Copy !req
411. Hilary, tonight
I hurt somebody
Copy !req
412. that I
really care about.
Copy !req
413. What about me, will?
Copy !req
414. I meant you.
Copy !req
415. Oh.
Copy !req
416. Thank you,
Copy !req
417. but you were right.
Copy !req
418. I was?
Copy !req
419. Scott is the first guy
since Trevor
Copy !req
420. that I really liked,
and I guess I got scared,
Copy !req
421. and I had to find
something wrong with him.
Copy !req
422. And that Adam's apple
thing was
Copy !req
423. the best you
could do, huh?
Copy !req
424. I never had much
of an imagination.
Copy !req
425. When I was
a little girl,
Copy !req
426. I never had any
imaginary friends.
Copy !req
427. I just used to play
with Carlton's.
Copy !req
428. And, God, they were
such dweebs.
Copy !req
429. You really miss Trevor,
don't you?
Copy !req
430. I know it
sounds dumb,
Copy !req
431. but sometimes
I feel like
Copy !req
432. we're still engaged.
Copy !req
433. I mean, he died
so suddenly,
Copy !req
434. and I never had a chance
to say good-bye.
Copy !req
435. Well, it's never
too late.
Copy !req
436. Well, I got
to go study
Copy !req
437. for the massacre
at little big mole.
Copy !req
438. Look, hil,
I'm sorry, all right?
Copy !req
439. Good night.
Copy !req
440. Good night, will.
Copy !req
441. Good-bye, Trevor.
Copy !req
442. Then just
for no reason,
Copy !req
443. you'll say
♪ dum, dum, ditty
Copy !req
444. oh, my God.
Copy !req