1. Hi, little one.
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2. You won't make an appearance
for about six months,
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3. but you can
meet your family.
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4. I'm your daddy.
Can you say "daddy"?
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5. Cootchie cootchie coo.
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6. And here...
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7. Here is your mommy,
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8. and here...
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9. Is you.
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10. Hello in there.
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11. Mommy, why don't we
call the kids down
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12. and tell them
you're pregnant?
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13. Kids!
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14. Kids, come on down.
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15. We have a big
surprise for you.
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16. Oh, check it out—
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17. l.A.P.D., the home game.
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18. Oh, we're
making a movie.
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19. I'll go back up.
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20. Ohh! Ohh!
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21. Ohh ohh ohh ohh!
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22. I have fallen,
and I can't get up.
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23. Will.
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24. Kids.
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25. Now brace yourselves.
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26. I have very important news.
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27. O.K., but I'm living with the
one who keeps the house.
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28. No. We're not getting
a divorce, stupid.
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29. We're having a baby.
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30. Wait, wait.
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31. Hold it. Hold it.
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32. You...
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33. And you?
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34. Whoo!
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35. This is serious.
We're having a baby.
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36. They ain't laughing, y'all.
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37. I think I speak
for everyone
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38. when I say...
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39. Eeeuw!
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40. And I'm not
babysitting.
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41. I'm not
changing
diapers.
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42. And I'm not sharing
my trust fund.
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43. Let's try this again,
shall we?
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44. Now, kids,
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45. I have great news.
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46. We're going
to have a baby.
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47. good morning honey.
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48. Good morning.
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49. Going to
the electric chair?
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50. Since I got pregnant,
I can't stop eating.
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51. You got to be careful
of what you eat.
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52. Remember, baby, you're
eating for two now.
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53. You'd better watch it.
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54. I could get used
to all this attention.
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55. That's alright baby.
Let me take care of you.
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56. No. That's all fat.
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57. No, no. All sugar.
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58. No, no, no. That's—
all right.
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59. The catering business
is so unfair.
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60. A couple of nuns
get botulism,
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61. all of a sudden
I'm blacklisted.
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62. Yeah, yeah. Too bad.
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63. How's apartment hunting
going, honey?
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64. Excuse me?
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65. Hilary, we've
been over this.
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66. With the baby coming,
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67. we're going
to need the room.
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68. I have to move out?
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69. Whose fault is it
that she's pregnant?
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70. Besides, we have
three extra bedrooms.
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71. Yes, and we
don't want you
in any of them.
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72. Philip.
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73. What your father's
trying to say is...
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74. You don't live here
anymore, honey.
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75. But... This is all
so sudden.
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76. If I'd only had some kind
of warning or something.
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77. Hello! Is this on?
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78. Where do you expect me to go?
I don't have anything saved.
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79. We'll pay first
and last months rent.
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80. What about
the months in-between?
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81. Get a job.
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82. Again?
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83. What a week—
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84. first those damn nuns.
Now this.
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85. Hey, what's up, hil?
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86. A word
to the wise, will—
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87. stay in high school
forever.
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88. Hey, good morning, y'all.
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89. Good morning.
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90. I just want
a sticky bun.
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91. I'm just going
to get a sticky bun.
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92. Mom, I look dorky.
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93. Oh, you look adorable.
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94. You're just nervous
about your first day
at a new school.
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95. You'll make
new friends.
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96. Suppose nobody likes me.
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97. Just do what Carlton does—
give them money.
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98. You'll be all right.
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99. You have a wonderful
personality.
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100. Oh, great.
Now I'm ugly.
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101. You are not ugly.
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102. You're beautiful,
and you're smart,
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103. and you'll have
a fabulous day
at school.
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104. I'll be here
when you get home,
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105. and I want to hear
all about it.
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106. Hi, guys.
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107. This is a great day—
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108. little Ashley joining me
at bel-air prep.
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109. You asked dad to send me
to public school.
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110. Merely a trial balloon.
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111. Fact remains,
I love you,
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112. but if we see
each other at school,
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113. act like
we've never met.
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114. Act like I'm invisible.
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115. If you're not sure how,
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116. just do what all
the other girls do.
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117. Look, I'm serious.
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118. This is my senior year. And I
don't want you tagging along.
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119. I've worked too hard
at becoming popular.
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120. And any day now, it's going
to kick in, right?
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121. Darn tootin'.
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122. I just think
it's about time
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123. bel-air prep
went coed.
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124. There's going to be
cute girls everywhere,
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125. cute, rich girls.
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126. They know the one thing
their parents can't stand
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127. is for them to be dating
a big black dude.
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128. Can I hang out with you
until I make some friends?
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129. Sure. Just look for
the huddle of girls
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130. with the chocolate
center.
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131. It's a disgrace.
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132. It's a scandal.
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133. It's an outrage.
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134. It's the mother
of my children.
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135. Look—Carlton, look,
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136. the way to make
an impression
is to relax.
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137. Be calm. Chill out.
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138. Hurt me!
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139. Hurt me!
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140. Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
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141. What's up, baby?
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142. The name's Veronica.
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143. Ooh, Veronica.
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144. I likes that.
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145. Great. Now I can die.
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146. Whoa whoa whoa.
Hold up, baby.
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147. I noticed you
noticing me,
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148. so I just want
to put you on notice
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149. that I noticed you, too.
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150. And?
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151. And let you know
I might consider
letting you be with me.
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152. Is that what passes
for a compliment
around here?
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153. If you want
to be with me,
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154. try talking to me
like a human being.
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155. Got it?
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156. Actually, baby,
you got it,
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157. but I take donations.
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158. You sure have a way
with the ladies.
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159. What's your secret?
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160. I'd like to
help you out,
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161. but it's a chemical thing.
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162. You drug them?
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163. No, no, no. Look,
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164. Kenny, it's instinct.
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165. You know the old saying—
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166. those who can, do.
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167. Those who can't, teach.
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168. Well, I can,
and I do.
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169. Whoa, that's deep man.
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170. I'll give you
a few pointers.
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171. Incoming!
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172. Mm!
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173. Well, Carlton,
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174. here are a couple
of impressive
competitors.
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175. Judges?
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176. Well, the judges
like her.
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177. They really,
really like her.
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178. And let's hear it for
the east German team.
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179. Hi, fellas.
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180. Out of the way,
Ashley.
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181. We're trying to see.
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182. Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
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183. I can't believe how hard it is
to find a beach front place
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184. with a pool and tennis court
for $500 a month.
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185. I mean, what's happening
to this country?
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186. Maybe you should lower your
standards a little.
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187. You're not going to be happy
until I'm living in a trailer
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188. eating spam on a ritz.
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189. I mean, that's where
this is going, isn't it?
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190. Sweetheart, I found a few places
that don't look so bad.
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191. I'm beginning to get the idea
that you want to get rid of me.
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192. Run with that.
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193. Hey, guys.
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194. Hey, hey, hey.
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195. How was the first
day at school?
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196. Way cool,
gran hombre.
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197. It was boomin'.
Tasties everywhere.
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198. Big ones, small ones,
short ones, tall ones.
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199. Black ones, brown ones,
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200. rich ones, poor ones,
crazy ones,
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201. well, your aunt and I
used to, uh...
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202. It's not important.
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203. Carlton, I thought
you were against
girls at bel-air prep.
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204. I'll admit I had
grave reservations,
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205. but I've already learned
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206. that many of my assumptions
were wrong.
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207. And that was
just from
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208. 10 minutes of hiding
under the bleachers.
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209. Guys, come over here.
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210. That reminds me of my
freshman year at college.
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211. For extra money I worked
at the Princeton daily,
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212. and my first assignment
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213. was to interview the town's
most famous stripper—
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214. boom-boom lasalle.
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215. I wonder why
they called her
that?
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216. For some reason,
she took a liking to me
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217. and invited me to go
with her and her sister
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218. to their dressing room
for, uh... Drinks.
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219. You the man!
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220. Anyway, one thing
led to another,
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221. and before I knew it,
this country boy...
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222. Finished his yoo-hoo
and went right home.
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223. Wait a minute.
Go back to finishing
your yoo-hoo.
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224. Ashley!
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225. Aah!
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226. Oh, Ashley, baby.
I'm sorry.
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227. How was school?
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228. School was fine.
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229. Did you make friends?
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230. A few. I've got
to study.
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231. Did some boys
try anything with you?
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232. No, nothing.
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233. Nothing at all.
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234. Uncle Phil,
you'll be happy
to know
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235. that none of the boys
tried nothing with me,
neither.
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236. There you go noticing me again.
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237. I'm tellin you,
she wants me.
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238. She senses my raw animal power
and isn't capable of turnin
away.
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239. She senses that big wet nasty
things on your cheeks
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240. so she can't eat
till you wipe it off.
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241. Oh.
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242. So you seen Ashley
today?
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243. No.
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244. Me, neither.
I wonder where
she at.
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245. I don't care,
as long as she
doesn't sit here.
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246. It's hard to impress
the honeys
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247. when your sister's
blowing milk bubbles.
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248. Ahem.
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249. Wow!
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250. Will, check out
the talent.
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251. She's cool!
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252. She's hot! She's—
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253. your baby sister,
man!
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254. Aah!
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255. Ohh.
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256. Yo, ease back,
man. Ease back.
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257. What do you
think you're
doing?
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258. Buzz off,
short stuff.
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259. That's it, Ashley.
I want you to—
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260. I'm ordering you
to look unattractive.
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261. Ashley, what did you
have for breakfast,
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262. some hormones
or something?
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263. Beat it.
I'm working the room.
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264. Hi, Bobby.
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265. Hey.
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266. Where she learn
to walk like that?
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267. Where'd she get
that Lee press-on body?
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268. Hurt me! Hurt me!
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269. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
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270. Yo, baby. You see,
I noticed you
noticing me,
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271. and I wanted
to give you notice
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272. that I noticed you,
too.
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273. Baby, you float my boat.
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274. You'd better float
your midget boat
out of here!
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275. Will, man, ease up.
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276. What you think
you doing?
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277. The same thing
you do—
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278. pressing up
this woman.
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279. That ain't no woman. That's my
cousin
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280. I am too a woman,
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281. and I'd appreciate
you staying out
of my business.
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282. D-d-don't you
shake your neck
at me like that, girl!
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283. Come on, Kenny.
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284. Hey.
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285. And don't you
shake that, either!
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286. I found
the perfect place
within my budget.
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287. That's great, baby.
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288. I do have what
it takes to survive.
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289. "Give a man a fish,
feed him for a day.
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290. Give a man a cow,
he'll eat for a
month, maybe more."
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291. D-don't.
She's on a roll.
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292. This place
has everything—
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293. pool, tennis,
full utilities.
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294. I won't need
more than
the $500 a month.
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295. That's an
incredible deal!
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296. Unbelievable, even.
Let's see it.
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297. If you want to.
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298. I'll get
the car keys.
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299. No, you won't
need them.
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300. Why? It's in
the neighborhood?
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301. You're getting
warmer.
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302. Where is it,
exactly?
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303. I'm going to live
in the pool house!
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304. You said I had to be
out of the house
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305. but not off of
the property.
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306. With the money
that daddy
promised me,
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307. it'll cover
my furniture rental.
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308. Philip, honey,
we're getting off easy.
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309. Come on.
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310. But it's not fair.
She's winning.
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311. Baby, I'm telling you.
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312. You got more moves
than a bowl of jell-o.
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313. And there's always room
for jell-o.
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314. Wow.
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315. Dude sounds like
a jackass.
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316. Actually, will,
he sounds like you.
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317. So, Kenny.
When are we
going out?
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318. I don't know.
Let me check my book.
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319. You see,
I want to make sure
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320. I can give you
my undivided attention.
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321. Actually, will,
he's better than you.
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322. Look at you.
You've got it going on.
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323. You got sweet hips,
lips, and fingertips.
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324. But baby got back!
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325. Bye, baby. Whoa, whoa!
Wait a minute!
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326. I know my sister
needs me,
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327. but that girl
was babe-alicious.
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328. Carlton,
I think you know
what you have to do.
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329. I know.
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330. Still...
I would have liked
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331. to have been there
for Ashley.
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332. Hey, w—
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333. I was so sure
looking like this
Copy !req
334. would make me
popular.
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335. What do guys want,
anyway?
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336. Guys want a girl
w-who's sweet
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337. and kind and smart,
just like you.
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338. Kenny wanted
the girl with back.
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339. Ashley, Kenny's
a special case.
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340. Carlton wanted
the same girl.
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341. Well, see,
Carlton's a basket case.
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342. W-what about
the boys in the hall
yesterday
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343. and the guys
in beer commercials
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344. and the all guys
who ask hilary out?
Copy !req
345. Ashley, I can't
lie to you.
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346. Some guys don't know
what's special
about a woman.
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347. Actually,
a lot of guys don't know.
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348. But really damn near
all guys don't know,
but...
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349. There are still
some guys that
appreciate quality,
Copy !req
350. and you're quality.
Copy !req
351. You don't got to
do all this.
Copy !req
352. Just work on being you.
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353. The right guy
will come along.
I promise you.
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354. O.K.
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355. Have your people
call my people.
We'll do lunch.
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356. Give mama a kiss,
baby.
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357. I'm glad
you're my cousin.
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358. Mama know.
Go on, girl.
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359. Ahem. Um...
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360. Veronica, uh...
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361. You know,
I thought about
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362. what you said
yesterday,
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363. and I just wanted
to tell you
it's right.
Copy !req
364. I'm sorry about
how I behaved,
Copy !req
365. and I'd be grateful
to have your number.
Copy !req
366. That's really nice.
What did I say?
Copy !req
367. W-w-w-what did you say?
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368. Yeah. You thought over
what I said.
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369. What did you
agree with?
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370. Yo, it was deep.
I agree with
all of it.
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371. You have no idea
what I said, do you?
Copy !req
372. Wait. Hold up, girl.
You tripping.
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373. I know—I know
what you said.
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374. You—you—
we was right here.
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375. You said that
people—people w-who
live in glass cribs
Copy !req
376. shouldn't throw
hard stuff.
Copy !req
377. No.
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378. Let your smile
be your umbrella?
Copy !req
379. All right.
Whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
380. Who cares
what you said, baby?
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381. I'm saying
I'm trying to be with you.
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382. That's the first
honest thing
you've said to me.
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383. That's like a...
Like a good thing,
right?
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384. That's a very good
thing.
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385. So I'm saying
write down your number.
Copy !req
386. You can't
get it yet.
Copy !req
387. But I've got
your number.
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388. Hey!
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389. Yoo.
Copy !req
390. Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Copy !req
391. Ha ha ha.
Copy !req
392. Hold up.
Copy !req
393. Am I as superficial
as all those guys
Copy !req
394. I warned Ashley about?
Copy !req
395. I mean, could it be
Copy !req
396. that I'm more obsessed
with breasts and thighs
Copy !req
397. than colonel Sanders
ever was?
Copy !req
398. I mean...
Copy !req
399. M-mightn't I be able
to look deeper,
Copy !req
400. to cherish women
a-as full and complete
Copy !req
401. and complex individuals?
Copy !req
402. And with this
new understanding,
Copy !req
403. t-to finally find
and keep this true love
Copy !req
404. that eludes so many of us?
Copy !req
405. Nah!
Copy !req
406. Yo, baby, I know
your feet must be tired,
Copy !req
407. 'cause you been runnin'
through my mind all day.
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408. How do we
translate Cicero
Copy !req
409. with girls
glossing their hair
Copy !req
410. and glossing
their lips
Copy !req
411. and—and—
messing up lines
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412. and trying to cover
Copy !req
413. but not doing it?
Copy !req
414. Excuse me...
Copy !req
415. We got women
in the audience.
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416. Any you all ever
glossed your hair?
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