The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air 3x18

Earl Boen as Ed • Tom Jones as Guardian Angel • Quincy Jones as Quincy Jones

Depressed and suicidal over having ruined his chances of attending Princeton University, Carlton is visited by his Guardian Angel, who shows him how awful the Banks family would be if he weren't alive.

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1. When is g getting back? I'm starving.

2. Don't worry. I made breakfast.

3. Oh, damn. I'm full.

4. Couldn't eat another bite.

5. Come on, will. I know what I'm doing.

6. Remember, I was a professional caterer.

7. And you still would be

8. if you hadn't poisoned those nuns.

9. Hey, the autopsy was inconclusive.

10. Bon appetit!

11. Come on. Let's give her a chance.

12. Mmm, these eggs aren't bad.

13. What's the crunchy stuff?

14. Oh, great. You found my contact.

15. Uhh!

16. who's the guy in the toga?

17. Bill rheingold. He's the president of ametrex oil.

18. And the guy with his head in the toilet?

19. That's Ben winter.

20. He's a great heart surgeon.

21. The guy getting slapped by the girl?

22. Oh, that's Clarence Thomas.

23. Hey what's going on? You're looking at your old

24. Princeton fraternity pictures, huh?

25. Will, please.

26. Princeton doesn't have fraternities.

27. They have dining clubs,

28. where the leaders of tomorrow plan the future.

29. That's right.

30. My dining club's what made me the man I am today.

31. Nah. That's too easy.

32. And since you're my son,

33. you're guaranteed my seat

34. in the club I joined.

35. His seat will be the one

36. with the legs all bent out up front.

37. Come on. I gave you a free one earlier.

38. Carlton.

39. This is strictly forbidden,

40. but since you're going to Princeton,

41. I'll teach you my club's secret handshake.

42. Turn around, will.

43. You got to be facing somebody's butt

44. to do this handshake?

45. It's a secret.

46. I don't see what the big deal is about Princeton.

47. Simple. They're interviewing

48. at bel-air prep for a few good men.

49. If they was looking for a few good pygmies,

50. you'd have been a shoo-in.

51. Face it, ghetto goof,

52. there's no one at bel-air prep

53. that comes close to having my grades

54. or my willingness to flatter authority figures

55. without a thought to personal dignity.

56. They'll be lucky to have you, son.

57. You're the guy who taught me.

58. By the way, you look great in denim.

59. See?

60. So, will, have you scheduled your interview?

61. You ain't got to worry about me

62. applying to no old bougie

63. of muffy and biffo chickenhead,

64. old kind of old, oh...

65. I just didn't get around to it yet.

66. Mm-hmm. Do it tomorrow.

67. Wait. I've already decided where I want to go.

68. Will, the standards of the Jim-Bob school of trucking

69. are pretty darn high.

70. What are you doing here?

71. Your appointment isn't till tomorrow.

72. I'm here to pick up the pieces

73. of your self-esteem in your hour of defeat.

74. Do you know why, will?

75. Because when I come out a broken man,

76. you want to rub my nose in it?

77. No. I'm here for you.

78. Then why you bring a video camera?

79. Mr. will Smith?

80. Yo.

81. Yo?

82. So, Mr. Smith,

83. you want to go to Princeton.

84. Well, actually, I want to go to sea world,

85. but is Princeton along the way?

86. You're funny.

87. We frown on that at Princeton.

88. Okay, um, look, I got to be honest.

89. I came because my Uncle made me.

90. I really don't want to go to Princeton.

91. Everybody wants to go to Princeton.

92. Well, not me, amigo.

93. Then you're in luck, Mr. Smith.

94. Your scores are mediocre.

95. Your grades would make

96. an impressive batting average,

97. and your extracurricular activities

98. are nonexistent,

99. unless one counts detention,

100. in which case, you lead the league.

101. But my jacket is a fashion miracle, isn't it?

102. In short, you're not Princeton material.

103. And your hat is on backwards.

104. We frown on that at Princeton.

105. Y'all frown on a lot at Princeton.

106. Bunch of sad-looking people walking around all...

107. Look, actually, sir,

108. I really don't know

109. what Princeton would have to offer me.

110. Are there any cute honeys?

111. Mr. Smith, Princeton has

112. some of the most intelligent young women

113. in the country.

114. I wouldn't make a crass generalization

115. about such a diverse group.

116. Any cute honeys?

117. No.

118. Well, then I guess my work here is done.

119. Oh, but as a parting gift...

120. There you go.

121. How did you do that?

122. I've been working on this thing for months.

123. Yeah. Well, take care, buddy.

124. Wait a minute.

125. you get your English scores up,

126. and I'll recommend that you get accepted

127. into Princeton.

128. I don't know, ed.

129. Please.

130. For me.

131. It—it would mean a lot.

132. Alright. I'll think about it.

133. Peace, e-money.

134. Pshh! Pshh!

135. Oh, man.

136. Oh... Piece of cake.

137. What's the capital of Burma?

138. Look, I don't know.

139. Rangoon. 640 acres is?

140. The size of Barry white's hot tub.

141. A square mile.

142. Who said, "it's better to die on your feet

143. than live on your knees?"

144. I'm guessing that one wasn't Madonna.

145. Emiliano zapata. They made a mistake.

146. You don't deserve to go to Princeton.

147. Wait a minute.

148. Will, Princeton is considering you?

149. Considering me?

150. Begging me is more like it.

151. Them people will not take no for an answer.

152. You turned them down?

153. Yeah, but dude started getting all weepy-eyed,

154. so I told him I'd sleep on it.

155. How did you do it, will?

156. Carlton, I was just myself.

157. That was good enough.

158. This is Princeton, will.

159. They don't want people who are themselves.

160. They want people like me.

161. Fess up.

162. I told you, Carlton. I was myself.

163. I told him about the 'hood in Philly,

164. and he told me about some stuff called spam.

165. If you're getting a shot at Princeton,

166. that's pretty impressive. I'm proud of you, son.

167. Proud enough to let me use the Volvo next weekend?

168. Sure.

169. Did my lips say Volvo?

170. My lips meant to say jag.

171. Why not?

172. Hey, you know what, Uncle Phil?

173. I might like this Princeton thing after all.

174. Could you show me that handshake?

175. O.K., but we can't show it to strangers.

176. Mr. Carlton banks?

177. Yo, whassup?

178. Sorry.

179. That's alright.

180. I've been looking through your transcript, Mr. banks—

181. it's not Mr. banks.

182. My posse calls me rapmaster c.

183. Excuse me?

184. so, rapmaster,

185. I noticed that you are the treasurer

186. of your young republican club.

187. Three years running,

188. but enough about that bougie stuff.

189. Let me teach you how to vogue. Strike a pose.

190. Mr. banks, are you on some sort of medication?

191. Let me teach you how to wear a hat.

192. Mr. banks, please.

193. Mr. banks, you're nothing like what I expected.

194. I'm not?

195. Your scores are topnotch.

196. Your grades couldn't be better.

197. They are.

198. Unfortunately, at this time,

199. Princeton doesn't accept

200. the clinically insane.

201. Next!

202. That's...

203. That's it?

204. That's it. Close the door behind you.

205. There must be some mistake. Princeton's the only place

206. I've ever wanted to go.

207. It's the centerpiece of my master plan.

208. I hardly think—

209. do you think I'm exaggerating?

210. This is my master plan.

211. Look. See where Princeton comes in?

212. Right after "lose virginity."

213. You're even stranger than I thought.

214. Thank you for your interest

215. in Princeton, rapmaster.

216. It's time for my 3:30.

217. Look, please don't do this to me. Do you want me to beg?

218. I'm begging you. Anything you want.

219. My sister hilary's not bad-looking,

220. and after two drinks or so,

221. she'll do just about anything.

222. Are you through?

223. My dad's got money. A lotta money.

224. If you played your cards right—

225. goodbye.

226. Look, ed!

227. You seem like an intelligent man

228. a man who knows what's good for himself.

229. Accepting me would be good for you, ed,

230. because I have big friends

231. big friends with lots of body hair

232. and mozzarella on their breath.

233. Capisce?

234. Correct me if I'm wrong,

235. but was that a death threat? Hmm?

236. Yo-ho!

237. How did it go?

238. Did they accept you?

239. They're not just accepting me,

240. they're giving me a full scholarship.

241. Yay! Yes!

242. Congratulations.

243. We are so proud of you.

244. Good going, c.

245. Can I have your dresser?

246. I—I—I can't believe this.

247. A full scholarship? That's amazing.

248. I guess all that hard work paid off.

249. We'll have a party and invite all Carlton's friends.

250. I can't come.

251. Why not?

252. Because Carlton doesn't have any friends...

253. And I'll have to dance with him.

254. Mom, I appreciate the thought,

255. but don't go overboard.

256. No. This seems to call for a new car.

257. How about one of those little convertibles?

258. Princeton orange.

259. Sure, dad, but—

260. no buts, Carlton.

261. You have made me so proud.

262. I made my bed.

263. I'll get it. I'll get it.

264. I'll get it! I'll get it!

265. Hello?

266. It's Mr. Robinson, your principal.

267. You're a little late, sir.

268. I just heard the good news.

269. That's impossible. How could he get suspended

270. after he just got a full scholarship?

271. I'll, uh, I'll call you back.

272. Yeah. Goodbye.

273. Philip, what's going on?

274. Carlton, tell me you didn't threaten to kill

275. the man from Princeton.

276. Oh, my God.

277. Dad, I—

278. just tell me that, please.

279. I can't.

280. Yo, c, you look bad man.

281. Stop trying to butter me up, will

282. oh, come on, baby, give mamma a kiss.

283. Look, go away.

284. Oh, come on, mamma knows, child, come on.

285. Stop, will, it's not funny.

286. You ruined my life.

287. You, you big poopy.

288. You get everything you want without trying.

289. You got picked first for teams, the cutest girls, everything. Why?

290. 'Cause I don't say stuff like big poopy.

291. Why don't you just go back to Philly.

292. Do I detect a little hostility?

293. You owe me some flowers, mister

294. look, you mustn't talk like that.

295. I won't get my wings with that attitude.

296. I don't know. I guess you're right.

297. It'd be better if I'd never been born at all.

298. What did you say?

299. I said I wish I'd never been born.

300. You and me both, pal.

301. What the...

302. Oh, my God.

303. It's tom Jones. What are you doing here?

304. Well, I'm your guardian angel.

305. Wow! No offense, tom,

306. but I always thought my guardian angel would be black.

307. I knew Otis Redding.

308. Well, anyway, I'm glad you came.

309. I've been so unhappy.

310. I know. Break it down to me.

311. Huh?

312. Tell me what's wrong.

313. Well, it's kind of hard to put into words.

314. Ah! I know.

315. tom, you're the best guardian angel

316. a guy could ask for.

317. Could you change history

318. so that I've never been born?

319. Not quite, but I could probably pull some strings

320. and have you moved opposite roseanne.

321. I want you to see

322. what things would be like

323. if you didn't exist.

324. Get ready, 'cause I'm coming now.

325. Okay.

326. Come on. Shoot for it.

327. He triple passes.

328. He turns, dunks, and breaks the backboard.

329. Aah!

330. Alright!

331. Oh, it's perfect, baby.

332. Beautiful.

333. What happened? And where's mom?

334. Well, without you, your family was defenseless

335. against will.

336. They focused on happiness

337. instead of success.

338. Your mother ran away with the milkman.

339. Your father quit his practice to paint.

340. Ashley does nothing but dance all day,

341. and hilary just does her hair.

342. Well, maybe not everything changed.

343. But—but they're not making any money.

344. So what if they're happy?

345. How will they afford this house, our cars, club memberships?

346. They're going to lose it all.

347. Happiness has ruined them.

348. I've got to save them—

349. teach them about greed, social climbing,

350. and claiming your dog as a dependent.

351. Now, that's the Carlton I know.

352. Maestro.

353. good morning, will.

354. Good morning?

355. You sure you don't mean die you gravy sucking pig?

356. Will, I spoke out of turn earlier.

357. I had no right to attack you the way I did.

358. Oh, well, that's cool, man

359. and plus I didn't wanna even go to Princeton

360. I called ed and I put in a good word for you.

361. And he's giving me another chance?

362. Well, no he still thinks you're kind of crazy.

363. But, um, he'd like to take hilary out for cocktails.

364. Will, would you excuse us, please?

365. I'd like to talk to Carlton alone.

366. Go easy on him, Uncle Phil.

367. He's a moron.

368. Dad, before you start,

369. I just want to say I'm sorry

370. about the death threat.

371. Son, I admit that wasn't the bright spot

372. of my day,

373. but what really hurt is that you lied to me.

374. But I didn't know how to tell you.

375. You were so happy Princeton wanted will.

376. I thought you'd like him better.

377. I could never like will.

378. Well, I mean, I like him.

379. Wait a minute. Here I am lying to you.

380. I really blew it.

381. I'm sorry you can't go to Princeton.

382. I know how much that meant to you.

383. The only reason I wanted to go to Princeton

384. was to be like you.

385. You can't be like me—

386. or like will or anybody else.

387. You can only be like you.

388. There's no need to be cruel.

389. Son...

390. Who you are is just fine with me.

391. I mean that.

392. Carlton.

393. Yeah?

394. You're grounded.

395. Thanks, dad.

396. Oh, do I sense a little hostility?

397. You owe me some flowers, mister.

398. I did that on purpose!