1. Hi, mom.
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2. So what's my little man
working so hard at?
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3. Ugh! This math.
But, hey, this can wait.
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4. You're only gonna be out
here
a few days.
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5. No, no. Don't worry about it.
I'll entertain myself. Go ahead.
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6. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, baby.
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7. - Blow.
- Mom, what're you..
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8. I said blow.
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9. Good boy.
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10. - Come on, mom.
- Sorry.
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11. You-you know what, mom?
I can do this later.
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12. Hey, why don't we go somewhere,
have some fun?
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13. Fun? William, you gotta learn
how to concentrate.
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14. Now your schoolwork comes
before anything else.
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15. Alright.
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16. Will.
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17. Now keep studying.
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18. Put the champagne over there,
then go out
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19. and help set up the tables.
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20. And if you value your tips
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21. stop looking at my behind.
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22. Oh, I can't believe my baby
sister's getting married.
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23. I can. I just paid the florist.
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24. Philip, all you ever
think about is money.
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25. No. That's not true, Vivian.
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26. Sometimes I think about
other things.
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27. Would you two knock it off?
You're married.
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28. It's time you start
acting like it.
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29. Viola,
this is why I got married.
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30. Mother, please. It's the
'90s.
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31. I mean, a woman doesn't
have to be married to..
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32. Like, I read about it, okay?
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33. - Where do you want these?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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34. Lady, don't you know
any other words?
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35. No.
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36. I'm sorry.
Pea-green patio chairs?
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37. I don't think so.
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38. This is not
a Ninja Turtle wedding.
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39. Agh! Do I have to do
everything myself?
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40. Miss Hilary, the day you do
everything for yourself
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41. will be the day I square dance
naked on the White House lawn.
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42. Do we have a safety deposit box?
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43. I wanna hide my things
before Aunt Helen
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44. and Uncle Lester get here
with Bobby.
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45. Oh, Ashley, your cousin Bobby
is not that bad.
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46. Mom, last time he came here
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47. he pulled off Barbie's arm
and burnt down her Dream House.
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48. 'Now, now, Bobby,
don't attack the squirrel.'
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49. I'm out of here.
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50. - Hey. Hi, everybody.
- Hey!
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51. - Hello.
- How are you?
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52. - Ah! Baby!
- Here you are, sweet boy.
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53. Oh, my, my, my!
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54. Is this the Banks' house
or Buckingham Palace?
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55. Hey, big sister Vi.
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56. You got a boyfriend yet?
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57. Now ain't no point
in saving nothing these days.
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58. You hear what I'm saying?
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59. The whole neighborhood
hears what you saying.
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60. Well, Helen, I see you still
haven't come out of your shell.
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61. - Vivian, girl, you look good.
- Mm.
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62. And you've lost weight
in all the right places.
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63. Philip, you look good.
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64. And you look good.
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65. Where's Carlton?
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66. Bobby,
covering a person's eyes
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67. when they're driving is
not a very wise thing to do.
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68. And don't ever call me
a weenie-face in public again.
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69. Well, we're in private now,
weenie-face.
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70. Ah, Carlton,
take the luggage upstairs.
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71. Now, you three will sleep
in Carlton's room
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72. and Carlton will sleep
in Will's room.
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73. I want to sleep with Carlton.
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74. I always dreamt
when I heard those words
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75. it would be Paula Abdul
saying them.
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76. Oh! Lester, how about
a little NFL action, huh?
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77. Man, I take all the action
I can get.
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78. Yo, yo, yo,
look who I found at the airport.
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79. - Divas!
- Baby girl!
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80. How are you doing?
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81. Wait a minute.
Now where is the groom?
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82. Frank is coming in the morning.
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83. He had to take care
of some business.
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84. Yes. Speaking of taking care
of business, does he?
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85. Forever is a long time, sister.
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86. - Not in front of Will, please.
- Viola, wake up.
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87. Will is 17 years old.
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88. He's probably taking care
of a little business
himself.
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89. - 'Hm-hmm.'
- 'Aren't you, Will?'
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90. Absolutely not!
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91. Vivian, Frank and I appreciate
you giving us this wedding
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92. on such short notice.
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93. Oh! I want you to be
my matron of honor.
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94. Oh. Of course I will.
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95. And, uh, guess who's gonna be
the best man, naturally.
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96. - Will?
- Y'all don't know?
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97. Hey, I did teach her
how to burp on command.
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98. And I did teach you
how to dance.
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99. - Oh, my goodness.
- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
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100. - Look out.
- Hold on, Aunt Janice.
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101. Hold up.
That was, like, ten years
ago.
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102. I'm, like,
light-years ahead of you
now.
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103. Yeah.
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104. Thanks a lot, Aunt Janice.
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105. Ah! I am so happy.
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106. Ah-ha!
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107. Oh! Look at the size
of this rock.
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108. - Oh, Gibraltar is a mole hill.
- Right.
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109. Later on this afternoon,
you ladies can go skating on it.
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110. Well, isn't this something?
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111. The Smith Sisters
are together again.
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112. - Yes, we are.
- The good, the bad, and the—
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113. Don't even try it.
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114. You need a pedicure.
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115. Yeah, I would crack on your feet
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116. but they don't reach
all the way up here.
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117. Will..
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118. Do you want to get married?
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119. Alright, that's it.
Get out of my bed!
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120. Not to me, you pervert.
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121. I'm sorry, man. This is L.A.
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122. Well, I'm definitely
getting married
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123. and I want my wife
to be a virgin.
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124. Well, you better hurry up, man.
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125. Mother Teresa
ain't getting no younger.
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126. My wife, the limber
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127. but unspoiled Bridgetta.
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128. She'll be an excellent homemaker
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129. and have the breasts
the size of Australia.
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130. I don't know, man.
I just can't imagine
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131. waking up to the same woman
every day
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132. for the rest of my life
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133. n-no matter how big
Australia is.
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134. Come on, Will, you really
don't want to get married?
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135. I don't know, man.
Maybe one day.
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136. 'You know,
when I'm old and gray.'
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137. You know, around 29,
30 years old.
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138. Heck, by then young Carlton will
be interviewing for preschool
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139. and Carltonette will be
a little croissant in the oven.
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140. Well, that's good.
Then they'll be able to baby-sit
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141. little Will, Wilma, Williamina,
Wilton, and Baby Willy.
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142. Goodnight, Will.
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143. - Carlton?
- Yeah?
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144. Is that your feet,
or did you break wind?
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145. Sorry, Will.
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146. Janice,
I'm starting to get worried.
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147. Shouldn't Frank be here by now?
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148. Vivian, I know my sweetheart.
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149. He'll be here because
there's absolutely nothing else
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150. he would rather be doing today.
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151. Carlton, come on, man.
It is not that serious.
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152. I'm head usher
and there's no one to seat.
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153. I'll be all dressed up
with absolutely nothing to
do.
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154. Just think of it
as one of your dates.
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155. Alright, Bobby. Sit and
stay.
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156. Carlton, it's your shift.
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157. I'm going to get my tubes tied.
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158. Cousin Carlton, tomorrow,
can you take me to
Disneyland?
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159. Forget it.
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160. I will not be an accomplice
to the murder of Mickey Mouse.
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161. You know, Bobby, I love it
when you come to visit, man.
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162. They appreciate me so much more
when you leave.
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163. It's him.
I gotta go fix my makeup.
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164. Mr. Frank Schaeffer.
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165. Yes. Yes.
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166. Welcome to our family. I'm Vi.
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167. I raised Janice, and looking at
you, I know I raised her right.
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168. Those are the other two sisters.
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169. Oh, yes. Yes.
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170. Cute, cute, cute, and cute.
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171. A dangerous combination. Ha-ha.
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172. Why don't you come in,
make yourself comfortable?
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173. Your little woman will be down
any minute.
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174. Great.
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175. 'Mm-mm-mm.'
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176. - Thanks a lot, buddy.
- Thanks.
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177. Baby.
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178. Hey, my brother, you gonna
let her tip him like that?
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179. Man, what does she do
when y'all eat out?
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180. Everybody, this is Frank.
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181. Frank, this is everybody.
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182. Come on, honey.
I'll show you to your room.
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183. Excuse me, but what happened
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184. to the little lady
y'all promised me?
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185. Here's $5. Go find your own.
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186. Gee, when Janice described him
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187. she didn't mention that he was..
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188. tall.
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189. Not that I have any problem
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190. with people who-who are t-tall.
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191. My cousin used to date a girl
who was t-tall.
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192. Heck, the boys go to
a predominantly... tall school.
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193. Am I alone in this, or didn't
y'all notice he was white?
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194. What the hell is wrong
with Janice?
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195. Uh, I'm sorry, did I say white?
I meant tall.
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196. He didn't seem that tall to me.
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197. I do not want my sister
marrying that man.
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198. But Aunt J seems so happy.
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199. Doesn't she?
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200. I mean, a-a-and that's what
we want for her.
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201. Isn't it?
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202. Happy, happy, happy?
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203. Vi, this is her decision.
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204. Let Janice do
what she wants to do.
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205. Well, she can do it without us.
Come on, Will.
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206. Hey, wait. Mom, mom. Hold up.
Wait, I'm the best man.
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207. Not anymore, you're not.
I said, come on.
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208. She breastfed me.
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209. - Oh! Vivian!
- You're in the dark.
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210. What're you doing down here
in the dark?
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211. Well, I couldn't find the lights
in this bowling alley
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212. you call a kitchen.
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213. Well, I couldn't sleep, either.
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214. Oh, I hope this wedding
doesn't turn into a disaster.
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215. Now, look.
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216. I don't care if Frank is black,
white, or candy-apple red.
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217. I've been on Slim-Fast
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218. for the last two weeks
to fit into my dress.
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219. Now somebody's gonna marry
somebody up in here.
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220. Oh, the hell with it.
Start slicing up that ham.
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221. Girl, this family has sure
had its share of surprises.
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222. Do you remember the last reunion
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223. when Uncle Rubin
came out of the closet?
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224. How could I forget?
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225. He came out wearing
my purple-leather suit.
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226. I guess you guys couldn't sleep,
either, huh?
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227. - Oh!
- Oh!
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228. Janice, what are you doing up?
Tomorrow's your big day.
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229. Yeah, right. Looks like I caused
a big mess, as usual.
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230. Oh, don't be so hard
on yourself.
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231. You don't always cause
a big mess.
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232. Yes, she does.
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233. She's the one that told Uncle
Rubin he looked good in purple.
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234. Janice, why didn't you tell
anybody about Frank?
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235. I guess I was hoping
no one would notice.
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236. Honey, who'd you think
you were bringing him home to?
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237. Stevie Wonder?
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238. Well, I was afraid
you wouldn't approve.
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239. Janice, you do not need
our approval.
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240. Are you sure
this is what you want to do?
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241. Vivian,
there's not a doubt in my mind.
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242. Then I guess I better pick up
some Barry Manilow
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243. for the reception.
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244. Look..
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245. I think there are a lot of fine
young brothers out there
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246. just as good as Frank.
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247. But you can't control
who you fall in love with.
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248. If he's still here
in the morning
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249. honey, I say marry him.
Okay?
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250. What's going on in here?
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251. - Oh-oh.
- Mm.
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252. Oh, we just thought
we'd have a little snack
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253. before we went upstairs.
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254. What's upstairs?
The electric chair?
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255. Oh, come on, Vi. Come on.
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256. Sit down with us
and have a snack.
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257. No, that's alright. I know
you really don't want me to.
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258. Of course we do. Don't we?
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259. - Mm-hm. Come on, sit down, Vi.
- Mm-hm.
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260. So, here we are together again.
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261. The Smith Sisters.
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262. Loud, live, and in color.
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263. More like quiet, evil,
and colored.
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264. Damn it. Janice, you should have
told me he was white.
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265. Oh, oh. Clear the table.
I think she's gonna blow.
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266. Vi, I am sick to death
of your attitude.
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267. Now if you don't want
to be here, just leave.
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268. I mean, if you don't want me
to marry Frank, so who
cares?
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269. Baby, don't you have
enough problems
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270. being an African-American woman?
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271. You need a white husband
to further complicate things?
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272. What about Frank?
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273. This isn't gonna make
his life any easier.
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274. Have you thought about that?
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275. You thought about your children?
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276. Or the jobs or friends
you may lose
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277. because some bigot fails to see
the beauty in your marriage?
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278. Honey, I did not make the rules
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279. but I do know
how to play the game.
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280. For survival, Janice,
please don't marry this man.
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281. Vi, Frank and I are aware
of everything you just said
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282. and we can handle it, sis.
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283. You are making a terrible,
terrible mistake.
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284. Well, I guess she'll be on
the first broom back to Philly.
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285. Hey, yo, Frank,
what you doing, man?
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286. Ah, just trying
to get some color.
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287. It's going great, man.
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288. For a second there,
I thought you was Wesley Snipes.
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289. Look, son, this is a big
step
you're about to take.
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290. Now, first,
you're not into any gambling
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291. or fancy women, are you?
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292. No, I'm a pretty straight guy.
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293. Alright, that was gonna be
my next question.
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294. Look, man,
Janice is like my big sister
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295. and I just want to make sure
she's in good hands.
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296. Don't worry, Will.
I really love her
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297. and I'm gonna do my best
to make her happy.
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298. And when you come visit,
you can borrow my Porsche.
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299. - Got my blessing, man.
- Yeah.
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300. Hey, you wanna grab
something to eat?
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301. Super.
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302. So you need any tips on sex?
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303. - No, not really.
- Got any for me?
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304. Look, mom
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305. we have a difference
of opinion, okay?
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306. But I've made a decision,
and I'm not afraid to say
it.
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307. Now, I'm going to the..
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308. to the library.
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309. Aren't you a little overdressed?
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310. Well, I just thought that
I would, you know
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311. drop in on the, on the, uh..
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312. on-on the thing.
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313. You mean the wedding.
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314. I heard it referred to
as that before.
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315. Will, I already told you
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316. you're not going
to that wedding.
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317. Oh, come on.
Look, mom, I have to go.
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318. - I can't disappoint Aunt J.
- Aunt J?
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319. Boy, I'm the one you should be
worrying about disappointing.
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320. Look-look, mom, mom.
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321. I think I'm old enough to
make
this decision for myself.
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322. Oh! Oh!
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323. Oh, now-now you, too.
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324. Why, I raise you,
your Aunt Vivian
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325. Aunt Helen, and your Aunt J.
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326. Now, all of a sudden,
everybody knows more than me.
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327. Look, mom.
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328. What you feel about Frank
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329. I mean,
it might be cool for you.
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330. I mean, but that's not cool
for Aunt Janice.
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331. I sacrificed a lot for Janice
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332. and it's quite obvious that
she doesn't respect me anymore.
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333. Which also means she doesn't
care about me anymore.
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334. Well, that's fine, because
I don't care about her, either.
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335. Mom, what are you saying? What?
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336. Everybody that loves you
got to do exactly what you say?
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337. I mean, what if I don't choose
the college that you want
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338. or I don't choose
the profession you want
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339. or don't live in the city
that you want?
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340. What?
You gonna stop loving me, too?
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341. Look, mom, I hope not,
'cause, look, I really love you.
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342. I really, really love you, mom,
but I'm going to the..
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343. to the, to the, to the thing.
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344. If I can just make it
to that door.
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345. Will, what are you doing
in that tux?
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346. I'm-I'm going to the,
to the, um..
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347. to-to the thing.
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348. Hey, man, I can say it to you.
I'm going to the wedding, man.
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349. Great. Then you'll get to see
my surprise.
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350. Since Aunt Janice
is of the Negroid persuasion
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351. and Frank is of
the Caucasoid persuasion
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352. I've compiled
a special medley of songs.
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353. Give a listen.
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354. So what do you think?
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355. I think you were deprived
of oxygen at birth.
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356. May our love burn
as bright as this candle.
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357. May its flame burn
eternally in our hearts.
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358. If there is anyone who thinks
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359. that Janice and Frank
should not be joined together
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360. in holy matrimony
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361. let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
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362. Oh, Lord, have mercy.
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363. Why are you all looking at me?
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364. Reverend,
go on with the ceremony.
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365. We are paying you by the hour.
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366. - Yeah!
- Yes, sir!
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