1. Hey, beautiful.
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2. I love a woman with good reflexes.
Makes me crazy.
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3. Get out.
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4. Your mouth is saying "get out,"
but your eyes are saying "get busy."
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5. Daddy.
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6. That's not going to work this time,
Hil, darling.
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7. Uncle Phil went to the supermarket,
so he'll be gone for at least a week.
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8. Mom.
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9. She went with him.
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10. Geoffrey.
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11. - Yes, Miss Hilary?
- You know the drill.
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12. Hilary, why is it so hard for you to be nice
to Jazz? You know he likes you.
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13. I'm supposed to be nice to everyone
who likes me?
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14. How much time do you think I have?
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15. So that's the reason
for you to be mean to Jazz?
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16. - Look, Jazz will be fine.
- You think so? Well, I don't.
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17. You don't know Jazz the way I know him.
He's a very sensitive person.
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18. He has feelings that are very deep.
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19. When you had Geoffrey throw him out,
I think that was the last straw.
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20. - I don't think he'll ever be the same.
- Really?
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21. Want to kiss my boo-boo?
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22. I hope that you didn't take my throwing
you out of the house personally, Mr. Jazz.
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23. - It was strictly business.
- That's cool.
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24. if you grab me in that place again,
we're engaged.
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25. Look, Jazz, if you want to get with Hilary...
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26. you got to have a plan.
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27. You mean mine hasn't been working?
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28. Jazz, that's the 18th time
she threw you out of the house.
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29. All a part of my plan.
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30. We're home.
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31. Later.
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32. - Geoffrey, the groceries are in the kitchen.
- Yes, madam.
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33. - Carlton has sunk to a new low.
- What?
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34. - Carlton, what's up with the crutches?
- I'm practicing my new scam.
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35. Girls love a guy with a sports injury.
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36. I can't see too many honeys
being impressed by:
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37. "Babe, I busted myself up
playing peewee football."
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38. Mom, Dad, I'm so glad you're home.
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39. - I have exciting news about my job.
- What is it?
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40. I'm not going to just tell you.
That's no fun. Guess.
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41. - Did you sell a painting at the gallery?
- No.
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42. - Did you get a promotion?
- No.
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43. - Did you get fired?
- No, I quit.
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44. - What?
- I was definitely the closest.
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45. Hilary, you were doing so well
at the art gallery.
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46. Yeah, but, Mom, it's not really a cool job.
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47. When I was a little girl, I had a dream...
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48. that when I grew up, I'd have
a glamorous job in a glamorous office.
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49. At parties, people would ask
what I did and I'd tell them.
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50. I imagined them turning pea-green
with envy and blurting out:
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51. "You are so lucky,"
and walking away eaten up inside...
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52. because I had a fabulous job
and they didn't.
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53. They say Gandhi
had a very similar childhood dream.
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54. All right, young lady, how do you propose
to get this glamorous job?
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55. I already got it.
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56. Starting tomorrow,
I'm going to be the personal assistant...
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57. to Marissa Redman.
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58. - The movie star?
- Wow, she's really big.
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59. What? She ain't do nothing good in years.
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60. That's not true. She's one of the most
famous actresses in Hollywood.
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61. - She won an Oscar.
- Nominated.
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62. And she was in one of the top 10 movies
of all time.
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63. Eight years ago.
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64. And she needs a new assistant...
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65. because she just got back
from a well-deserved year off.
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66. Nose job.
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67. How did you know all of that?
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68. I have an inquiring mind.
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69. Will, please. Hilary's obviously
very excited about this job.
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70. Be a little more supportive.
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71. You're right. I'm sorry.
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72. Hilary, I loved her in that musical she did.
God, what a voice.
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73. Lip-synch.
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74. Dinner is served.
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75. - Jazz, I thought you left.
- Why?
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76. Because you walked out the door
and you said, "Later."
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77. All a part of my plan.
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78. - Did you hear the news about Hilary?
- Yeah. I'm so proud of her.
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79. Okay, tomorrow's her first day at work.
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80. I think I got a little plan
that will make Hilary like you.
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81. Tomorrow we'll go down there...
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82. and you're gonna surprise her
with flowers and candy.
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83. Cool. Meet you here tomorrow
at 9:00 sharp.
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84. - You got it, man.
- Don't forget the candy and flowers.
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85. Miss Tony Fisher, please.
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86. Hi, Tony. It's Hil.
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87. How's your job going?
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88. Guess where I'm calling from. No, guess.
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89. No, guess again.
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90. What do you mean you give up?
This is fun.
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91. No, guess again.
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92. No, don't hang up, Tony.
Do not hang up now. Come on, guess.
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93. No, guess again.
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94. Okay, I'm in Marissa Redman's office.
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95. No, it's my first day.
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96. What's she like?
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97. Tony, I have to tell you,
you'd never know she was a movie star.
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98. I mean, she's so grounded. She's so real.
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99. I don't care
if you have other appointments, clown.
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100. My cat needs acupuncture.
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101. - Marissa.
- Heather.
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102. - Hilary.
- Let's get one thing straight.
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103. My last assistant quit on me
because I never learned her name.
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104. Now, is that going to be a problem?
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105. - No.
- Good.
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106. I'm so excited. I want to learn
all about the movie business.
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107. And you will. The key is to be positive.
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108. I like positive people.
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109. - Are you positive?
- Yes! Yes.
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110. Remember, this is a process.
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111. You do realize it's a process?
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112. Yes. I'm positive it's a process.
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113. - I'll get that.
- You got that right.
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114. Miss Redman's office.
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115. I'm afraid Miss Redman's
on the other line now, Mr. Haskell...
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116. - but I'll see if she's finishing up.
- It's my agent.
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117. Hello, Sam. This better be good news.
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118. So you're saying I didn't get the part?
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119. I know the part called
for a Meryl Streep type.
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120. Yes, I'm a Meryl Streep type
if I want to be.
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121. It's called acting, Sam.
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122. So what fool got the part?
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123. Meryl Streep.
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124. Ain't that cozy?
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125. I'm sorry you didn't get the part, Marissa.
But let's be positive.
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126. After all, this is a process.
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127. Shut up.
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128. I have to go
to a restaurant opening tonight.
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129. So I need you to pick up my clothes
from the cleaners.
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130. I'm not speaking to my tired boyfriend,
so I'll need someone to go with.
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131. I wonder if that cute
little Johnny Gill is free.
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132. - isn't he, like, my age?
- I see. I get it.
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133. First, I'm too black
to play Meryl Streep's parts...
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134. and now I'm too old to date a 20-year-old.
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135. Cher can do it, but I can't?
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136. No, Marissa, I didn't mean
anything like that.
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137. Everyone's trying to fit me
into their nice, neat little box.
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138. You're walking a fine line, Helena.
A very fine line.
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139. Hello, I'm calling
from Marissa Redman's office.
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140. ls her dry-cleaning ready?
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141. It says here on the ticket:
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142. "Three dresses, two blouses,
four silk brassieres...
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143. "and eight pair of underwear."
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144. Fantastic. I'll be right over
to pick them up.
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145. Glamour, glamour, glamour.
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146. You know, while you're down there...
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147. you may even get to see
Dustin Hoffman's drawers.
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148. Will, what are you doing here?
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149. Congratulations on your new job, Hilary.
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150. Flowers, a Kit Kat...
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151. and a song.
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152. All the way from Compton, California...
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153. the king of the keyboard himself,
just for you, Hilary.
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154. It's Jazz!
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155. - He plays so beautiful. Don't you agree?
- What is going on here?
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156. - Marissa, I can explain.
- I don't even want to hear it.
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157. So I've got a party girl on my hands.
Is that it?
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158. As soon as I turn my back.
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159. We've got a word for people
like you in this business...
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160. and it's called... Hello.
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161. Miss Redman, we didn't mean
to get Hilary in any trouble.
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162. - I'm her cousin.
- She's not in any trouble.
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163. I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.
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164. Will Smith.
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165. Little Willie Smith. I like that.
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166. Yeah, but little Willie's got to go now.
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167. - We'll get right out of your way.
- No, you're not in my way.
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168. Well, you kind of are.
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169. Why don't you stay for a little while?
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170. You know, we'd love to,
but we made other plans.
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171. No, we didn't.
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172. Don't you remember, Jazz...
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173. you've got
that brain-surgery appointment.
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174. - Must have forgotten.
- Bye-bye.
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175. You know, I just had a thought.
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176. I'm sure it's brilliant. What is it?
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177. I thought I'd like to take your cousin Will
to that restaurant opening tonight.
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178. - What?
- Are you thinking I'm too old for him?
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179. You think he wouldn't want
to go out with me?
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180. No, Marissa, I mean,
who wouldn't want to go out with you?
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181. You better hope he does.
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182. Because if he doesn't want to go out
with me tonight, you're fired, Hester.
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183. I forfeit the game.
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184. Thanks a lot, G. He was about to take me.
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185. Hi, Will.
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186. Look who's home. It's Miss Hollywood.
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187. Tell me all about your faboo day.
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188. So what did you do this afternoon?
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189. Massage her feet, give her cat a perm?
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190. Will, I love your irreverent sense of humor.
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191. It's so refreshing.
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192. How you trying to play me, Hilary?
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193. Will, you're always thinking
the worst of me.
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194. I have got some great news for you.
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195. Guess who I can get to go out with you.
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196. - Janet Jackson?
- Guess again.
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197. - Jody Watley.
- Guess again.
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198. Tell me, or I'll kill you.
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199. Marissa Redman.
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200. You've got to be tripping.
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201. Hilary, I wouldn't go out with her
if she and Marsha Warfield...
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202. were the last two women on earth.
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203. Will, please.
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204. Marissa said if I can't get you to go out
on a date with her, she'll fire me.
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205. Perfect. All she does is yell at you,
boss you around and treat you like dirt.
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206. I know...
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207. but I'm the envy of all my friends.
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208. Hilary, come on, don't cry.
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209. Don't cry. Okay. All right. Okay.
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210. I guess it won't kill me
to go out with Marissa Redman.
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211. Will, thank you.
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212. And I guess it won't kill you
to go out with Jazz.
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213. I can't believe that you agreed
to go on this date with Jazz.
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214. Shut up, Carlton.
I had to, or I'd lose my job.
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215. Touchy.
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216. Cut it out!
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217. I can see it now. Mr. and Mrs. Jazz...
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218. - Does Jazz have a last name?
- I believe it's Matazz.
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219. Will you three cut it out?
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220. Philip, we don't mean anything by it.
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221. I don't see the destruction of our
gene pool as something to joke about.
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222. - That must be Jazz.
- Marissa's meeting us at the restaurant.
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223. - We can't be a second late.
- Relax, Hilary.
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224. Just make sure you're sweet to Jazz.
This is making his whole week.
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225. - Mr. Jazz.
- Yo, G.
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226. As of tonight,
my new official name is Mr. Lucky.
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227. Marissa, thanks for inviting us.
This is such an exciting new restaurant.
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228. Look at that. Butter on ice.
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229. I'm living large now.
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230. Speaking of ice, Jazz...
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231. - doesn't Hilary look a little chilly?
- Right.
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232. - You are so beautiful, baby.
- Jazz, please.
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233. Now, I know you can be nicer than that.
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234. All right.
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235. That was a wonderful imitation
of a creepy spider you just did, Jazz.
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236. Hey, Cher! Sophomore in high school.
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237. Beat that, honey.
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238. Do you know what time it is, Hilary?
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239. It's 8:15.
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240. No, it's not.
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241. It's "slow dancing with Jazz" time.
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242. No, it isn't.
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243. You know, it's either
"slow dancing with Jazz" time...
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244. or "Will getting up, going home,
and leaving you without a job" time.
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245. Jazz, do you want to dance?
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246. Man, this must be my birthday.
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247. When you get back,
bring me a mineral water...
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248. three ice cubes, a lemon, and a lime.
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249. For the sake of novelty,
get it right this time.
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250. Yes, Marissa.
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251. So, little Willie,
would you pass me the salt, please?
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252. Sure.
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253. Jazz, I feel I should tell you something.
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254. I'm only on this date with you
as part of my deal with Will.
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255. - I know.
- You do?
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256. It doesn't bother me...
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257. but if it's making you feel sad
dancing with me, you don't have to.
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258. - No, Jazz, it's not that.
- Thank God.
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259. It's just this job is getting to me.
I don't mind the hard work.
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260. It's just I can't seem to do anything right.
She's always yelling at me.
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261. Tell Jazz all about it.
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262. Look. Biggest director in town. Sydney.
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263. Congratulations. Loved your new movie.
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264. We've got to do...
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265. What? He just looked right through me.
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266. Maybe you should have spoken up
a little bit.
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267. This is not good. Hickory!
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268. Yes.
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269. I just saw Sydney, and he cut me dead.
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270. Did you send him a bottle of champagne
like I told you...
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271. for the premiere of his crappy movie?
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272. You said this morning you were thinking
of sending him something...
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273. but didn't know what.
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274. Champagne would obviously
be the perfect choice, Einstein.
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275. Marissa, chill. Come on. She's trying.
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276. Look, I work so hard.
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277. I mean, I work harder than anybody,
and I'm very underpaid...
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278. and it does not help when the person
who is supposed to be my assistant...
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279. is a total idiot.
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280. - You're the idiot.
- Well, date's over.
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281. Look, I don't care
how many movies you make.
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282. Nobody don't talk like that to Hilary.
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283. She's smart, sweet, and the most
beautiful woman in the cosmos...
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284. and she's been very nice to me tonight.
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285. She's been nice to you,
even though you didn't deserve it.
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286. So you tell her you're sorry
because I'm about to get pretty mad.
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287. Shut up.
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288. This is what you do.
Run to an all-night liquor store—
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289. - No.
- Excuse me?
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290. What do you think I am?
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291. I shouldn't be treated like an idiot.
I'm not an idiot. I'm smart.
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292. And another thing, your last five movies
really sucked big time.
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293. Six.
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294. You can't stand here
talking like that to me.
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295. You're right,
because I have a prior engagement...
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296. with someone from the A list.
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297. Come on, Jazz, let's go.
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298. Thank you, oh, Lord.
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299. Who needs them?
They don't know how to appreciate you.
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300. I mean, I think me and you can have
a better time without them.
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301. - Really?
- Psych.
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302. You really said that to Marissa?
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303. At least now Marissa the cradle crook
knows what Hilary thinks about her.
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304. And I owe it all to Jazz.
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305. Thank you, Jazz.
Now my daughter's unemployed.
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306. Daddy, you should thank Jazz.
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307. He reminded me
that I do have some self-respect.
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308. Why chase after celebrities?
They're all so shallow and self-centered.
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309. From now on, I want to spend time
with people who have depth...
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310. intelligence, and maturity.
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311. I don't like the sound of this.
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312. - Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night, Mommy.
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313. - Good night, guys.
- Good night.
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314. Night, baby.
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315. Guys, I'm sorry the night was so awful.
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316. Hilary, I'm just grateful
I got my young body out of there...
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317. before old Marissa put some miles on it.
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318. I got to go.
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319. - Peace.
- Peace, babe.
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320. Jazz, wait.
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321. Listen. Thank you. I mean...
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322. - Thanks.
- Sure, babe.
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323. You want to go out with me
on Saturday night?
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324. I don't think it's a good time.
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325. I'd only say "yes"
because I felt like I owed you something.
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326. That's cool with me.
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327. Maybe some other time.
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328. Okay. Good night, Hilary.
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329. No, wait.
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330. All a part of my plan.
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