1. One hundred and sixty-three!
This whole page is wrong.Copy !req
2. I'm sorry, Miss Ashley,
but I'm trying to keep this place tidy.Copy !req
3. Lord Fowler and his daughter
Lady Penelope will be here soon.Copy !req
4. Why are you nervous about it?Copy !req
5. Lord Fowler gave me my first job
as a full-fledged butler.Copy !req
6. And he's one of
the most important men in Britain.Copy !req
7. Well, I wouldn't want to embarrass you.Copy !req
8. British people have really good manners.Copy !req
9. I used to be intimidated by the British.Copy !req
10. I thought they were superior
in taste, style, and breeding.Copy !req
11. Then I saw Benny Hill.Copy !req
12. Master Carlton.
First of all, I like Benny Hill.Copy !req
13. Secondly, while Lord Fowler is here...Copy !req
14. I must ask you to keep
wisecracks like that to yourself.Copy !req
15. During his stay, I want all of you children...Copy !req
16. to maintain an air of quiet dignity.Copy !req
17. Geoffrey, mon!Copy !req
18. Do the limbo with me.Copy !req
19. This is precisely what cannot happen
when Lord Fowler arrives.Copy !req
20. Yo, G. What's my name? The Prince, right?Copy !req
21. I know how to deal with royalty.Copy !req
22. Don't worry.
I'll be at the peak of Schweppervescence.Copy !req
23. Check it out. You be the English dude.Copy !req
24. Very well.Copy !req
25. Pleased to meet you, William.Copy !req
26. And I am honored to meet you,
Lord Fowler.Copy !req
27. Aunt Vivian.Copy !req
28. Beautiful American woman.Copy !req
29. What you thinking you're up to, boy?Copy !req
30. All right. Check it out, Aunt Viv.
Ziggy Marley's in concert next weekend...Copy !req
31. and I was wondering,
maybe I could use the car?Copy !req
32. Where's the concert?Copy !req
33. - Just around the corner.
- Where around the corner?Copy !req
34. Nevada.Copy !req
35. Forget it, baby.Copy !req
36. Uncle Phil, mon!Copy !req
37. You are generous, fair-minded,
and very sexy.Copy !req
38. You've already gotten your allowance.Copy !req
39. For that, I am very thankful, mon.Copy !req
40. He wants to drive
to a Ziggy Marley concert in Nevada.Copy !req
41. That's an easy one. No.Copy !req
42. Come on, Uncle Phil. Why not?Copy !req
43. Every time you take that car to a concert,
something happens to it.Copy !req
44. - Like what?
- A mysterious dent, a broken taillight...Copy !req
45. a mural of Nia Peeples painted on the side.Copy !req
46. I swear to you guys
that was on the car when I got in it.Copy !req
47. You're not responsible enough
to drive to a concert in Nevada.Copy !req
48. All right. If in this next week...Copy !req
49. I can prove to you
I'm responsible, can I go?Copy !req
50. Sounds like a low-risk proposition.
You're on.Copy !req
51. That's Lord Fowler.Copy !req
52. - Lord Fowler.
- Geoffrey.Copy !req
53. And Lady Penelope. My, you look lovely.Copy !req
54. Thank you, Geoffrey.Copy !req
55. And this is Mr. and Mrs. Banks.Copy !req
56. How do you do?Copy !req
57. Very nice to meet you.
How was your flight?Copy !req
58. It was a bit choppy and quite long.Copy !req
59. And of course, the food was horrid
and the movie was a dreadful bore.Copy !req
60. I wouldn't want to make
that journey too often.Copy !req
61. I should think not.Copy !req
62. Won't you come in?Copy !req
63. Philip, why are you talking like that?Copy !req
64. Like what?Copy !req
65. That ridiculous British accent.Copy !req
66. Whenever you're around
an English person, you slip right into it.Copy !req
67. The first three months Geoffrey was here,
I could barely understand you.Copy !req
68. I have no idea what you're talking about.Copy !req
69. Sir, madam, care to join us for tea?Copy !req
70. Right-o.Copy !req
71. Lady Penelope.
Wow, it must be great being a Lady.Copy !req
72. Spending all your time shopping,
going to lunch with your friends...Copy !req
73. and just sitting around
being waited on hand and foot.Copy !req
74. I wonder what that would be like.Copy !req
75. One can only imagine.Copy !req
76. Actually, I go to a small convent school
and the nuns work us very hard.Copy !req
77. We scrub the floors, cook the meals and
on the weekends, we do all the laundry.Copy !req
78. What a gyp.Copy !req
79. We're looking forward
to taking you to dinner tonight.Copy !req
80. Splendid. Dinner will be a perfect time
for me to bring you all...Copy !req
81. up to date on the new bills
pending before Parliament.Copy !req
82. We've made some fascinating strides
in maritime legislation.Copy !req
83. I'll go into greater details at dinner.Copy !req
84. ls tonight a school night?Copy !req
85. No. I already thought of that.Copy !req
86. Mr. and Mrs. Banks,
I hope I'm not being terribly rude...Copy !req
87. but I was counting on seeing
the opera tonight.Copy !req
88. But, my dear, I don't want you
going out alone in a strange city.Copy !req
89. You'll need an escort.Copy !req
90. An escort. You mean a responsible escort.Copy !req
91. A young man who could take
Lady Penelope out tonight...Copy !req
92. and return her home safe and sound.Copy !req
93. The same type of young man
who could be trusted...Copy !req
94. to drive to a Ziggy Marley concert
in Nevada.Copy !req
95. I suppose so.Copy !req
96. - Would you really take me, Will?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
97. if it's all right with Uncle Phil.Copy !req
98. Okay, Will.Copy !req
99. You may take Lady Penelope to the opera.Copy !req
100. Opera? I thought she said "Oprah."Copy !req
101. Spider-Man comics.Copy !req
102. Watchman.Copy !req
103. Goobers, Raisinets.Copy !req
104. - What are you doing?
- Packing.Copy !req
105. - Where do you think you're going?
- To the opera.Copy !req
106. Did you see
what I did with my spitball straw?Copy !req
107. Now, you just listen to me,
you irresponsible vagabond.Copy !req
108. I want you on your best behavior tonight.Copy !req
109. No. Let me revise that.Copy !req
110. I want you
on a normal person's best behavior.Copy !req
111. Mr. Belvesneer.Copy !req
112. The whole point of tonight
is to prove that I'm responsible.Copy !req
113. How hard can it be?Copy !req
114. I'll take her to the opera, cop a few "Z's"...Copy !req
115. bring her back home.Copy !req
116. This weekend I'm with Ziggy.Copy !req
117. Master William,
I just hope you recognize...Copy !req
118. the seriousness of the task at hand.Copy !req
119. Why are you tripping? She's just a girl.Copy !req
120. Just a girl? Master William...Copy !req
121. if 895 members of the royal family
instantly died...Copy !req
122. she would be the next queen of England.Copy !req
123. Now, where does that put me?Copy !req
124. But the astounding thing...Copy !req
125. about the Fisheries and Hatcheries Act
of 1624...Copy !req
126. is hardly the bill itself,
but rather its unique place...Copy !req
127. in the entire 800-year history...Copy !req
128. of maritime legislation.Copy !req
129. I'll go into greater detail at the restaurant.Copy !req
130. Does this restaurant have a bar?Copy !req
131. if it doesn't, we'll build one.Copy !req
132. I can't believe Geoffrey
has done this to us.Copy !req
133. This is going to be
the longest night of our lives.Copy !req
134. The only thing that'll make it better...Copy !req
135. is knowing Will has to sit through
an opera.Copy !req
136. At this point,
that's the only thing I have to cling to.Copy !req
137. I don't feel so good.Copy !req
138. Don't even try it, Ashley.
We're all in this together.Copy !req
139. - Father, have a lovely time at dinner.
- Thank you, my dear.Copy !req
140. - And I hope you enjoy the opera.
- I shall.Copy !req
141. I always find the opera so uplifting.
Goodbye, Geoffrey.Copy !req
142. Goodbye, Lady Penelope.Copy !req
143. Master William.Copy !req
144. Do not forget what I said to you.Copy !req
145. Goodbye, Father dear. I shall miss you.Copy !req
146. I thought the old buzzard
would never leave.Copy !req
147. Will, got a smoke?Copy !req
148. - Excuse me?
- I've been dying for a cigarette all day.Copy !req
149. No, I don't have any cigarettes.
I don't smoke and you shouldn't either.Copy !req
150. - It's bad for you.
- Sod off, mother superior.Copy !req
151. Don't nobody call me a mother nothing.Copy !req
152. And what's up with you?
Who are you, Dr. Jekyll and Patty Duke?Copy !req
153. Don't be such a wanker.Copy !req
154. I only put on
that innocent schoolgirl routine...Copy !req
155. for the old man.Copy !req
156. Routine? You've been lying to the Lord?Copy !req
157. Whenever we go to the city,
I tell my father...Copy !req
158. that I'm dying to go to the opera
knowing full well he detests it.Copy !req
159. That way, I can hit the clubs. I thought
we'd go downtown to the Meat Hook.Copy !req
160. The Meat Hook?
That's the roughest bar in L.A.Copy !req
161. Super. That's what Lady Cicely told me.
Let's go.Copy !req
162. Wait, wait. Baby, you ain't going nowhere.Copy !req
163. Geoffrey put me in charge of you.Copy !req
164. So you can just shake
your royal booty on up them steps.Copy !req
165. You can't boss me around.
You're not a nun.Copy !req
166. Hold on. See, now,
that's where you made your mistake.Copy !req
167. See, I'm a plainclothes nun.Copy !req
168. Yeah, that's right.
They call me Sister Sledge.Copy !req
169. I hate you!
You've just ruined my whole night!Copy !req
170. You've ruined everything!Copy !req
171. Man, this babysitting thing is easy.Copy !req
172. Lady, come back with my car!Copy !req
173. - Yo, man. Should I get the bouncer?
- I am the bouncer.Copy !req
174. Follow your red queen. Keep your eyes
on the red card. $10 will get you $20.Copy !req
175. Who saw it? Come on, boys, don't be shy.
$10 will get you $20.Copy !req
176. Awfully glad you could make it.
Feel lucky? $10 will get you $20.Copy !req
177. - No way. Look, we're out of here.
- Forget it.Copy !req
178. This place is a blast.
The people here are so interesting.Copy !req
179. Yeah. I think I saw that guy
on Unsolved Mysteries.Copy !req
180. Look. Lady Penelope, we are going home.Copy !req
181. No, I'm not.Copy !req
182. I'm mad about this song.
Dance with me, Will.Copy !req
183. - I'm not dancing with you.
- Loosen up, homes.Copy !req
184. Come on. Get up and dance.
Shake your moneymaker.Copy !req
185. Lady Penelope, I got a Ziggy Marley
concert on the line. Let's go.Copy !req
186. You can't touch this!Copy !req
187. Go, Lady! Go, Lady!Copy !req
188. Will you get down from here?Copy !req
189. Hi, Otis.Copy !req
190. Hey, punk.
You're dancing with my woman.Copy !req
191. No. You got it all wrong.
I'm not dancing with her.Copy !req
192. I'm trying to get her to go home with me.Copy !req
193. I'll bet you are.Copy !req
194. Man, what are you, crazy? Back up!Copy !req
195. So that brings us up to 1907...Copy !req
196. which, in maritime law circles...Copy !req
197. has come to be known
as "The Year of the Trout."Copy !req
198. I saw that sweater first!Copy !req
199. Excuse me.Copy !req
200. Lord Fowler.Copy !req
201. Wasn't there quite a row
in the House of Lords in 1912...Copy !req
202. when they repealed the Tuna Laws?Copy !req
203. Geoffrey, that's a very long story.Copy !req
204. It all began in 1910.Copy !req
205. Sir, before you continue,
would anyone care for anything?Copy !req
206. A lobotomy.Copy !req
207. Perhaps a drop of sherry, Geoffrey.Copy !req
208. So, anyway, as I was saying...Copy !req
209. I recently came upon
a very interesting article on the subject...Copy !req
210. 1910 brought a tuna shortage...Copy !req
211. to the southern shores of Cornwall,
Penzance in particular.Copy !req
212. The vote, which should interest you,
was as follows...Copy !req
213. D.E. Chesterton, yea,
Sir Rudolf Tetherbury...Copy !req
214. Master William. What are you doing here?Copy !req
215. Why aren't you with Lady Penelope
at the opera?Copy !req
216. Opera?
G, she's never seen an opera in her life.Copy !req
217. I'm telling you,
she's been fronting the whole time.Copy !req
218. How dare you besmirch
the reputation of a British Lady.Copy !req
219. G, the Lady is a tramp.Copy !req
220. She stole the car, she snuck out
to the roughest bar in town...Copy !req
221. and then she hooked up
with a human Godzilla.Copy !req
222. Master William,
are you telling me the truth?Copy !req
223. I swear on a stack of TV Guides.Copy !req
224. Master William, if we don't bring her home
safe and sound...Copy !req
225. Lord Fowler will never forgive me.Copy !req
226. Your uncle will lose faith in me.Copy !req
227. I'll never work again,
and my career will be ruined.Copy !req
228. Can we try to keep
this in perspective here, G?Copy !req
229. I'm not going to get to see Ziggy.Copy !req
230. We must go to that bar
and bring her back.Copy !req
231. To the Batmobile.Copy !req
232. Shame on Lady Penelope.
When she was a little girl...Copy !req
233. I always told her
there is no excuse for lying.Copy !req
234. The Labor party—Copy !req
235. Milord, I'm afraid I have some bad news.Copy !req
236. My cousin Roddy has just been
suddenly struck with malaria.Copy !req
237. I must go to quarantine immediately.Copy !req
238. Yo, G, this is a rough crowd.Copy !req
239. You gotta watch
what you say around here.Copy !req
240. What do you mean, thank you?Copy !req
241. That's the guy
that Lady P. was dancing with.Copy !req
242. - But where's Lady Penelope?
- He could be hiding her in his fist.Copy !req
243. - I shall have to have a word with him.
- Careful, G.Copy !req
244. Not to worry.
I know how to handle his sort.Copy !req
245. What have you done with Lady Penelope,
you knuckle-dragging swine?Copy !req
246. She's gone.Copy !req
247. - Gone?
- Yeah.Copy !req
248. - She broke up with me.
- Where is she?Copy !req
249. Really, I don't know.
She said she wanted to go for a ride...Copy !req
250. so I took her to the parking lot
and put her on my bike.Copy !req
251. And then I turned around to spit...Copy !req
252. and the next thing I know,
she took off on my Harley.Copy !req
253. Man, I know how you feel.
We better keep looking.Copy !req
254. Nonsense. The man's a liar.Copy !req
255. Tell us what you've done
with Lady Penelope...Copy !req
256. or I shall be forced to thrash you.Copy !req
257. Don't press him, G.
You saw what he did to Tokyo.Copy !req
258. Don't worry, Master William.Copy !req
259. In my youth,
I was quite a Greco-Roman wrestler.Copy !req
260. So then Churchill said to the king:Copy !req
261. "You're ugly."Copy !req
262. To which the king replied:Copy !req
263. "And you, sir, are fat."Copy !req
264. Or was it the other way round?Copy !req
265. Anyhow, they went on like that for hours.Copy !req
266. Are you sure there isn't any more sherry?Copy !req
267. Anyway, this dispute took place...Copy !req
268. at the height of the Flounder Rebellion.Copy !req
269. - Mommy.
- God bless you, sweetheart.Copy !req
270. - What's the matter, baby?
- I can't sleep.Copy !req
271. Just sit around here for a little while.Copy !req
272. I'll take you up, baby.Copy !req
273. You're not going anywhere, woman.Copy !req
274. - Sorry, Mommy. I tried.
- Try again in 10 minutes.Copy !req
275. Now, where was l?Copy !req
276. God. if you don't know, I have no idea.Copy !req
277. How are we going to tell Lord Fowler
we lost his daughter?Copy !req
278. I'll break the news, Master William.
You're young.Copy !req
279. You have your whole life ahead of you.Copy !req
280. It's best I bear the brunt
of the punishment.Copy !req
281. You got a point there. Good luck.Copy !req
282. Geoffrey, how's your cousin Roddy?Copy !req
283. I regret to tell you,
I have no cousin Roddy.Copy !req
284. Damn malaria.Copy !req
285. No. You don't understand.Copy !req
286. What I'm about to tell you
is very difficult to say.Copy !req
287. Geoffrey,
it's not more gambling debts, is it?Copy !req
288. I thought we had that productive chat.Copy !req
289. Sir, it isn't that.Copy !req
290. It's about this evening.Copy !req
291. And I have to accept full responsibility.Copy !req
292. Yo, G. Hold up.
I can't let you go out like this, man.Copy !req
293. This is all my fault.Copy !req
294. Will, why aren't you at the opera
with Lady Penelope?Copy !req
295. All right.Copy !req
296. Tonight,
my plan was to take her to the opera...Copy !req
297. and return her home safe and sound.Copy !req
298. But Lady Penelope had other plans
and it just didn't work out like that.Copy !req
299. Hello, all. I had a smashing time tonight.Copy !req
300. My dear. How was the opera?Copy !req
301. It was the most wonderful opera I've seen.Copy !req
302. - Why wasn't Will with you?
- But he was.Copy !req
303. And he was the perfect escort.Copy !req
304. But around the third act,
Will was starting to fade...Copy !req
305. so I told the poor dear to go on home.Copy !req
306. He left me
with more than enough cab fare.Copy !req
307. Thank you so much, Will.Copy !req
308. You're good.Copy !req
309. So, what's all the fuss about?Copy !req
310. Will made it up to the third act,
which is more than I could've done.Copy !req
311. An evening of opera.
I can't imagine anything more boring.Copy !req
312. I can.Copy !req
313. Geoffrey, I'm surprised at you,
getting all hot and bothered...Copy !req
314. just because the boy
ducked out of it early.Copy !req
315. It's nothing
compared with your old exploits.Copy !req
316. There's no need to go into that, milord.Copy !req
317. I seem to recall a time
that you were caught in the gazebo...Copy !req
318. after that randy game of strip croquet.Copy !req
319. But I've told enough stories
for one evening.Copy !req
320. No, I want to hear this one.Copy !req
321. No. It's late.Copy !req
322. - Perhaps next visit.
- No. Now. We've earned it.Copy !req
323. No. I'm sorry.Copy !req
324. That's the mark of a great storyteller.Copy !req
325. Always leave them wanting more.Copy !req
326. Good night, Geoffrey. Night-night, Will.Copy !req
327. Next time I'm in town,
we'll have to go to the ballet.Copy !req
328. Yeah. I'm looking forward to that.Copy !req
329. Well, Will, you certainly proved
that you're responsible.Copy !req
330. - That's right.
- You took Lady Penelope out...Copy !req
331. and you brought her back
without a hair out of place as promised.Copy !req
332. Yep. Just like I promised.Copy !req
333. So, I guess you can use the car
next weekend after all.Copy !req
334. Thanks a lot, Uncle Phil.Copy !req
335. Just one thing, Will, out of curiosity.Copy !req
336. Since that explanation
that Lady Penelope rattled off...Copy !req
337. was obviously a complete crock,
what really did happen tonight?Copy !req
338. You should sit down.
It's going to be a long story, Uncle Phil.Copy !req
339. No. Never mind. Enjoy the concert.Copy !req