1. He: Helium. Li: Lithium.
Na: Sodium. Zn: Zinc.
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2. Uncle Phil, please.
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3. Do you mind turning the music back on?
I'm trying to study.
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4. I'm expecting a very important client.
We have a golfing date...
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5. and I'd appreciate it
if you could study somewhere else.
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6. Okay, I get it.
You're trying to impress him.
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7. That's right.
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8. You might want to change them pants.
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9. - Good morning, sweetie.
- Hey, Aunt Viv.
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10. - What time is Jameson getting here?
- What are you wearing, Vivian?
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11. Excuse me?
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12. That red blouse.
That's Jameson's bad-luck color.
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13. This happens to be my favorite blouse...
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14. so he can just go find himself
another bad-luck color.
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15. Maybe he can pick one
out of Uncle Phil's pants.
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16. Vivian, please change.
I know he's a little superstitious...
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17. but his big account
helps to pay our little bills.
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18. All set for a great game of golf, Dad.
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19. Carlton, what is it,
recess at the clown convention?
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20. That's right. And by the way, Will,
who cut your hair, Ray Charles?
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21. I've been saving that one for a week.
Don't even try to top it.
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22. That must be Jameson.
Vivian, humor him.
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23. - Mr. Jameson Whitworth.
- Jameson, how are you?
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24. Fine. Vivian, it's lovely to see you again.
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25. And it's nice seeing you, Jameson.
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26. - How are you, Mr. Whitworth?
- Not great.
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27. My caddy called me on the car phone
a few minutes ago and canceled.
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28. I've learned my lesson: Never trust a Leo.
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29. Ain't that the truth?
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30. Back in Philly I knew this guy
named Leo Brentley.
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31. The dude tried to steal my lucky drawers.
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32. - You have a pair of lucky drawers?
- Well, yeah.
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33. - So do l.
- This is all very interesting.
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34. Carlton, you can caddy for both of us.
Shall we go, gentlemen?
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35. Wait a second.
I have a very good feeling about this.
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36. How would you like to be my caddy?
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37. I ain't down with carrying golf clubs.
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38. It's $50, plus tip.
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39. Fore!
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40. This is the worst round of golf
I've ever played.
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41. Well, the green's a little wet today.
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42. - That's what's wrong.
- What?
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43. A hole in one!
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44. I made a hole in one.
The first time in my life.
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45. - Some shot, Mr. Whitworth.
- Congratulations, Jameson.
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46. Did you see that, Will?
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47. It's because your hat's turned to the side,
you can see better.
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48. No. There's more to it than that.
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49. There is?
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50. Jameson, let me buy lunch.
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51. - A hole in one calls for a celebration.
- I'll say.
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52. I have to make it quick.
I have to get back to the office.
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53. I'm making a major investment
in Thorton Pharmaceuticals.
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54. - Maybe I'll get lucky again, Will.
- That's wack.
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55. "Wack." In what sense of the word?
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56. It's Saturday afternoon.
All you're thinking about is work.
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57. That's got to be hurting you
with the girlies.
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58. Will, please.
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59. Forget about the office,
forget about that stock.
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60. Just max and relax.
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61. Kick back and enjoy yourself.
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62. Go home and let your wife know
she's still got it.
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63. You're right.
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64. Doggone it, you're right.
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65. Doggone it, I'm right.
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66. Geoffrey, I really think I made
an impression on Mr. Whitworth.
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67. And was your sucking up
as successful as you'd hoped?
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68. I'll say.
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69. I'm gonna apply for a summer job
with his company.
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70. But, Carlton, Dad's his lawyer.
isn't that kind of using a connection?
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71. I can't believe it, Vivian.
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72. Jameson made a hole in one,
and he's not a very good golfer.
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73. - What's his handicap, sir?
- Ain't it obvious?
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74. Everybody, the working girl is home.
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75. - How was your day?
- I love working in an art gallery.
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76. I'm learning so much.
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77. I just told my boss,
"Teach me. I'm a blank slate."
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78. At least you're honest.
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79. - What exactly do you do in this job?
- This is a very exclusive art gallery.
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80. So, they're trying to maintain
a certain atmosphere.
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81. So, when customers come in the door,
I ignore them.
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82. if they ask me about a piece of art,
I look right through them.
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83. if they ask for a price, I go like this...
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84. And walk away.
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85. Hilary, it sounds like
they hired you to be a snob.
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86. I guess they saw something in me.
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87. - Mr. Whitworth.
- Hello.
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88. - Jameson, this is a surprise.
- Actually, Philip, I'm not here to see you.
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89. - I told you I impressed him, Ashley.
- I'm here to see Will.
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90. No, sir, my name is Carlton.
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91. I know that. I'd like to see Will.
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92. I'll get him.
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93. Vivian, I brought this for you.
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94. - What is it?
- It's a sprig of wolfsbane.
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95. Hang it over your kitchen door
and all will be well.
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96. But Jameson,
everything's fine in our kitchen.
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97. That you know of.
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98. What's up, J?
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99. I'll tell you what.
You saved me a lot of money.
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100. Word?
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101. On the golf course, you told me
not to buy Thorton Pharmaceuticals.
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102. The stock dropped 10 points today.
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103. Jameson, I think you're reading
a little too much into this.
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104. I don't know nothing about stocks.
It was just luck.
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105. Precisely. You're a good-luck charm.
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106. I would've lost millions,
but thanks to my "Yo, homey" here...
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107. I didn't.
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108. So what you're saying is thanks to me,
you got lucky twice yesterday.
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109. Three times.
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110. The wife girlie will be smiling for months.
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111. You have a bright future, young man.
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112. This is no fair.
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113. There are many forces at work
in the universe, Will.
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114. For example, the power in numbers.
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115. The four arms of the Mutable Cross, Virgo.
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116. When the moon is in the seventh house.
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117. The sixth-ray energies,
Saturn to Neptune...
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118. the seventh sun, born for good luck...
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119. all numbers.
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120. Yeah.
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121. Jameson, why don't I fix you a drink?
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122. I don't drink. I like to keep my mind clear.
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123. I think he's cleared it out pretty well.
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124. My lucky numbers
have always been three and seven.
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125. - Will, when's your birthday?
- July 3.
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126. - What year?
- 1973.
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127. So you were born on 7-3-73...
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128. my lucky numbers.
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129. Jameson, that's just a coincidence.
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130. Coincidence? I don't think so.
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131. - I was born August 4, 1974.
- A Leo?
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132. Will, I have an assignment for you.
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133. I want you to go through these files.
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134. They're about a company
called lnnermark.
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135. I've been analyzing the data for months...
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136. trying to decide
whether or not I should buy it.
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137. You want me to read all this?
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138. That's not necessary. Just feel the pages.
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139. Tell me what kind of energy you get back.
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140. Jameson, I have to say
this all sounds a little...
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141. lnsane?
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142. unorthodox.
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143. You have an excellent brokerage firm
to advise you.
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144. J, straight up, I don't know
nothing about this stuff.
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145. Will, you don't know that you know...
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146. but believe me, you know.
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147. Man, I don't know.
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148. Exactly. We'll talk tomorrow.
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149. Philip, Vivian, have a nice day.
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150. Why is that man running loose
on the streets without medication?
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151. He's a little eccentric, Vivian,
but he has a brilliant financial mind.
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152. He does?
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153. Philip, why don't you tell Will
about Sparky?
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154. I don't think we need to go into that.
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155. Last year...
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156. Jameson was taking all of his stock advice
from his dog.
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157. That's untrue, Vivian.
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158. He only took tax advice from Sparky.
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159. Then, last spring...
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160. Sparky met with an untimely run-in
with a milk truck...
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161. but of course, that didn't stop Jameson
from talking to him.
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162. He talks to the spirit of a dead dog?
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163. No.
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164. He had him stuffed and put in his office.
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165. Uncle Phil, why do you humor this guy?
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166. The planet he's on
ain't even been discovered yet.
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167. He's an important client...
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168. and he's just entrusted you
with a very serious financial decision.
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169. - This has got to be handled delicately.
- What am I supposed to do?
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170. Tomorrow, you to go down
to Whitworth's Capital lnvestments...
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171. find Jameson Whitworth and tell him
that you're a 17-year-old kid...
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172. and you're in no position
to give financial advice.
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173. Exactly. That's Sparky's job.
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174. Your main man is in effect, Mr. Whitworth.
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175. Thank you, Gladys. Will, come in.
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176. What's going on, J?
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177. You know, I just wanted to come so—
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178. ls something wrong, Will?
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179. No.
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180. Look, I'm a little pressed for time,
so let's just get right to the point.
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181. Excellent. All right, Will,
lnnermark lndustries.
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182. Do we buy this stock or not?
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183. Look, that's what I came
to talk to you about.
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184. I don't think I'm in any position
to give you financial advice.
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185. I'm only 17.
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186. Did you say 17?
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187. This is a sign. Will, look at this.
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188. This machine gives me stock quotes.
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189. What price has lnnermark
been trading at all day?
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190. Seventeen.
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191. You've done it again, Will.
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192. I'm calling my broker.
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193. Wait, I really don't think you should—
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194. Miles? Buy me one million shares
of lnnermark lndustries. Right.
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195. Done.
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196. You bought a million shares of stock
because I told you I was 17?
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197. That's right.
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198. This is just one big coincidence.
Besides, I'm about to turn 18.
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199. - Did you say 18?
- No.
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200. Yes, you did.
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201. Look at this, Will.
The stock just went up to $18.
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202. You just made me $1 million.
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203. That doesn't mean anything,
Mr. Whitworth.
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204. I can understand you being frightened
by your powers.
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205. But there are forces at work
in the universe beyond our understanding.
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206. Don't fight them, Will.
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207. Learn to accept them...
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208. and there will always be
a place for you here.
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209. You know, Will's been gone for hours.
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210. I wonder how his meeting
with Mr. Whitworth is going.
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211. Nothing to worry about, Ashley.
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212. Traffic from Mars is very heavy
this time of day.
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213. I'm home. Carlton, get the camera.
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214. I want a picture of me
opening my first paycheck.
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215. - Congratulations, baby.
- That's wonderful.
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216. I'm so excited.
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217. Mom, Dad, I'll start paying
my own way around here...
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218. and I won't accept no for an answer.
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219. You still owe me $5
for those magazines you bought.
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220. Ashley, don't be petty.
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221. - All set.
- Here goes.
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222. Don't you all feel like a part of history?
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223. What?
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224. Federal taxes? This is an outrage.
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225. Didn't President Bush say,
"No new taxes"?
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226. But federal taxes aren't new.
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227. They are to me. And who is this FlCA guy?
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228. Hilary, taxes are taken
out of everybody's salary.
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229. They pay for highways, national defense,
and housing programs.
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230. I thought the government was supposed
to pay for all that.
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231. Okay, I know the solution.
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232. I'm going to demand a raise.
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233. Hilary, you've only been there a week.
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234. Nobody starts at the top.
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235. Yeah. Lunch on the company yacht?
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236. Yeah, that sounds great, Jameson.
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237. Let's say you have the limo
pick me up noon-ish.
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238. Yeah, all right. Peace back at you, babe.
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239. Will, I want you to return all that stuff
before the cops get here.
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240. What are you tripping?
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241. J gave me this stuff
as a little thank-you gift.
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242. - For what?
- I made him $1 million.
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243. That may seem like a lot, Will,
but wait till they take out all the taxes.
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244. Will, how did you make Jameson
$1 million?
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245. To be honest, I have no idea.
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246. Jameson seems to think I'm good luck.
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247. Will, there's no such thing
as good luck or bad luck.
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248. Yes, there is. I've got bad luck.
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249. You look handsome, Will. Nice suit.
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250. You like it, Ash? Custom-made.
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251. Size 42, extra fly.
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252. When you work for Whitworth,
you get all the fringe benefits.
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253. Does he need a butler?
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254. Just asking. For a friend.
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255. Will, you don't really think you're capable
of giving financial advice, do you?
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256. Aunt Viv...
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257. there are forces at work in this universe
that are beyond our understanding.
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258. And if these forces
want to give me a limo...
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259. a cellular phone, and an Armani suit...
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260. who are we to argue with them?
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261. Will, I sent you there to get out
of this arrangement with Jameson...
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262. and now you're in deeper than before.
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263. I know. I just feel terrible.
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264. Am I showing enough cuff?
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265. - What are you doing?
- I'm gonna put an end to this.
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266. Yes, Philip Banks for Jameson Whitworth.
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267. Yes, I've been talking to Will here.
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268. First of all, I'd like to say
he's very flattered...
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269. but it's a little risky having a high-school
student give financial advice.
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270. As your lawyer,
I'd advise you put an end to it.
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271. Sure, you want to talk
to him yourself? Okay.
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272. Yo, J. What up, coolie-bop?
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273. Really?
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274. Really?
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275. Yeah, if that's the way you want it,
that's cool.
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276. All right. Peace.
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277. What did he say?
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278. Uncle Phil, you're fired.
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279. So, is Mr. Whitworth ready to see us yet?
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280. He's still in there talking to his homey.
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281. You'll just have to chill.
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282. All right. We can't afford
to lose Whitworth's account.
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283. - We need a game plan.
- I thought we had agreed on groveling.
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284. Yes, but we need to straighten out
the order in which we grovel.
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285. I'll go first.
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286. Since my father founded the law firm,
I can make an emotional plea.
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287. Philip, you can remind him of all our
dedicated service to his company.
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288. - What do I say?
- Nothing.
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289. You're only here because
his lucky number is three.
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290. Of course.
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291. J, come on, man,
you've got to meet with them.
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292. - They're sitting right outside.
- Straight up, pop.
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293. I'm sorry, but the aura is wack.
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294. What did you say, Sparky?
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295. He's talking? He hasn't talked in weeks.
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296. You think it's a good idea
to have the meeting?
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297. Word?
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298. What's that? Go ahead with the meeting?
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299. Send them in right away.
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300. There you have it.
Sparky says have the meeting.
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301. Well, all right.
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302. It's two against one.
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303. Gladys, send them in, please.
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304. - Jameson, good to see you.
- Have a seat.
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305. - Will, excuse us, please.
- Sure.
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306. He stays. I want him here.
Sparky wants him here.
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307. Okay.
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308. Jameson, Furth, Wind & Meyer
has represented you...
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309. for the past 20 years.
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310. And I think I speak for all the lawyers
in the firm...
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311. when I say that we're dedicated
to continuing in that capacity.
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312. So? Lawyers are a dime a dozen.
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313. There's some truth in that.
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314. You had an interesting point
you wanted to make, didn't you?
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315. Yes, Henry.
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316. Jameson, to elaborate
on what Henry was saying, it...
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317. Yes? What?
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318. This is terrible.
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319. - What's the matter?
- That was my broker.
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320. lnnermark stock is plummeting.
It's already down 10 points.
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321. My God, it's already down to $6 a share.
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322. It's down to $5, $4, $3—
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323. Great. That's your lucky number.
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324. I just lost a fortune.
Will, you owe me $14 million.
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325. Here's $5.
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326. This is serious. Don't you know anything?
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327. No. How many times do I have to tell you?
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328. Why did you tell me to buy that stock?
You're out of your mind.
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329. I'm out of my mind?
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330. You're the one that's got Lassie
as your vice president.
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331. You're not lucky. You're unlucky.
You're a curse. Get out of my office.
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332. - Don't you talk to him like that.
- Excuse me?
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333. It's your fault he's involved in this.
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334. This isn't the first time that your craziness
has got us in hot water.
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335. Last January, on my birthday...
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336. when I could have been home
with my wife and family, where was l?
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337. Stuck in the office
buried under paperwork...
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338. because Sparky chased a Buick...
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339. and you thought that was his way
of telling you to take over General Motors.
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340. Jameson, I am through
with your craziness.
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341. if that means we lose
a $20 million account, then so be it.
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342. Jameson, I think that's Philip's way
of saying "I'm sorry."
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343. - Why didn't you ever say this before?
- I should have.
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344. Absolutely. I had no idea
your birthday was in January.
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345. You're a Capricorn.
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346. My horoscope says
a Capricorn will lead me to prosperity.
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347. Philip, you're just the goat
I've been looking for.
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348. Gentlemen, welcome back.
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349. The way you stood up for me, Uncle Phil,
you were all that.
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350. - I didn't like the way he was treating you.
- So what happened next?
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351. Uncle Phil told him
he could take his big account...
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352. fold it five ways and stick it
where Sparky can't find it.
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353. - Wow, Dad, that took guts.
- Well done, sir.
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354. You know, I've always wished
I had the nerve...
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355. to tell off my employers.
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356. Daddy, you've been
a wonderful example for me.
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357. How much abuse can one person take
for the sake of a job?
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358. There are lots of things about my boss
that bug me.
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359. And I've been putting up with him
for a whole week.
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360. It's time to take action.
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361. Hilary, I don't want you
to go screaming at your boss.
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362. Can you?
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363. Philip, I am really proud of you.
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364. Life is too short to put up with
the Jameson Whitworths of the world.
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365. Straight up, Uncle Phil.
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366. I can't believe that loon
changed his mind...
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367. because you told him
you were a Capricorn.
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368. Capricorn? Philip,
your birthday's January 30.
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369. You're an Aquarius.
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370. Vivian, for a $20 million account,
I'm a Capricorn.
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