1. Yo, G, that was
hi-lar-i-ous.Copy !req
2. Hold up.
Put a Barney Rubble head onCopy !req
3. and I swear I was watching
the "Flintstones" on ice.Copy !req
4. I'm pleased that I've amused
you, Master William.Copy !req
5. It is the least I can do
given the hours of merrimentCopy !req
6. I have derived from looking
at the remarkable wayCopy !req
7. your ears protrude
from your head.Copy !req
8. B-W-A, butler with an attitude.Copy !req
9. So anyway, Toni's coming over.Copy !req
10. We're gonna study for our
History midterm, together.Copy !req
11. - She really needs some help.
- She's not doing well?Copy !req
12. Daddy, Toni is a
dear, dear friend of mine.Copy !req
13. But she lacks concentration.Copy !req
14. I mean, she totally gave up
on'Twin Peaks."Copy !req
15. Whoa, Uncle Phil!Copy !req
16. Did you lose a couple
pounds?Copy !req
17. Man, you're
looking chiseled.Copy !req
18. So what do you want
the car for, Will?Copy !req
19. "Public Enemy" concert,
Jazz got two tickets.Copy !req
20. Will, every time Jazz
sets foot in that carCopy !req
21. he leaves a small collection
of chicken bones behind.Copy !req
22. Oh, no. Don't worry.
Tonight, we're having ribs.Copy !req
23. Daddy, I wanted to
use the car tonight.Copy !req
24. I'm going downtown
to a world peace benefitCopy !req
25. hosted by Steven Seagal.Copy !req
26. - Didn't you hear me ask first?
- I guess you're right.Copy !req
27. Besides, I'd feel better
knowing you had the carCopy !req
28. especially if you're gonna be
out until 3:00 in the
morning.Copy !req
29. 3:00 in the morning?Copy !req
30. That's what time
he got in last night.Copy !req
31. Oops, did I say that?Copy !req
32. 3 o'clock, on a school night?Copy !req
33. Oh, no, no, it-it was
for school, Uncle Phil.Copy !req
34. I'm doing a term paper
on... owls.Copy !req
35. Whoo!Copy !req
36. Will, you've broken curfew
entirely too many times.Copy !req
37. You are grounded for a week.Copy !req
38. A whole week?Copy !req
39. Will, being grounded
won't be all bad.Copy !req
40. Maybe you'll find enough
time
to do your dishesCopy !req
41. instead of paying, Ashley.
Oops again!Copy !req
42. Two weeks.Copy !req
43. - I'm grounded for two weeks?
- That's right.Copy !req
44. You've to stay in this houseCopy !req
45. and you're not go anywhere
near that car.Copy !req
46. Can he still rent
the car to Jazz?Copy !req
47. Oops, oops, oops!Copy !req
48. Let's make it
an even month.Copy !req
49. Wow, I don't know
my own strength.Copy !req
50. Revenge!Copy !req
51. - Miss Toni.
- Hi, Toni.Copy !req
52. Hi, sorry I'm late. I saw a lady
wearing a sweater so uglyCopy !req
53. I was forced to pull over
and yell at her.Copy !req
54. Hi, Toni.
Where are you two off to?Copy !req
55. The library.
Big history exam.Copy !req
56. How did your
English mid-term go?Copy !req
57. - I think I did great, mom.
- I think I failed it.Copy !req
58. Will you cut it out?
You always say you failedCopy !req
59. and then you get the test back,
and you always get a "D."Copy !req
60. You're right.
I probably did fine.Copy !req
61. Okay.Copy !req
62. Well, you two have fun
at the library.Copy !req
63. Bye.Copy !req
64. A library? I thought
we were going shopping.Copy !req
65. We are. I was just saying
that to her. Come on.Copy !req
66. What's this I hear, Hilary?
Lying to mommy?Copy !req
67. I feel the revenge
is within my reach.Copy !req
68. This is a job for
Sherlock Homeboy.Copy !req
69. 10:00 hours.Copy !req
70. Bike not fast enough
to keep up with Volvo.Copy !req
71. Here, at Toni's dorm room
to determineCopy !req
72. where suspects
have gone shopping.Copy !req
73. Let's see what happens.Copy !req
74. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
75. Uh, hi.
Is this Toni Gower's room?Copy !req
76. Oh, yeah, we're her roommates.Copy !req
77. - I'm Kimmy.
- I'm Cindy.Copy !req
78. I'm Will.Copy !req
79. - Hi, Willie.
- Hi, Willie.Copy !req
80. N-no, just will.Copy !req
81. Well, can I get you
something, Will?Copy !req
82. No, thank you.Copy !req
83. Um, actually, I'm trying
to find Hilary Banks.Copy !req
84. There's been
a family emergency.Copy !req
85. - Sorry, we don't know her.
- Yes, we do.Copy !req
86. You know, Toni's friend. The one
who never wears anything twice.Copy !req
87. Oh, yeah. Duh.
Earth to Kimmy.Copy !req
88. I just haven't
seen her around muchCopy !req
89. since she dropped out of school.Copy !req
90. Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
91. The mid-terms must have been
a little too much for her.Copy !req
92. Mid-terms? Hilary dropped
out three months ago.Copy !req
93. So, this family emergency,
is it like, a big one?Copy !req
94. It's even bigger
than I thought.Copy !req
95. Looks like I'm gonna be pullin'
another all-nighter.Copy !req
96. I've to get
my index cards togetherCopy !req
97. for the big
debate match next week.Copy !req
98. What's your topic?Copy !req
99. When, President Bush said
he would never raise taxesCopy !req
100. was he lying or just kidding?Copy !req
101. Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
102. Time flies when
you're studying.Copy !req
103. Ain't that the truth, Ruth.Copy !req
104. - How was your day, honey?
- It was great.Copy !req
105. I got a lot of work done
on my physics research
paper.Copy !req
106. What?Copy !req
107. Oh, no, I was just thinking
about that funny thingCopy !req
108. that happened to you today.Copy !req
109. - What are you talking about?
- How soon they forget.Copy !req
110. I'll explain.Copy !req
111. Well, today after school
was out, I went to UCLACopy !req
112. and I sat in the back
of Hilary's physics class.Copy !req
113. You did?Copy !req
114. Oh, yeah. You remember.Copy !req
115. I mean, after all,
you were in the class.Copy !req
116. That's right.
You did. You did. You did.Copy !req
117. You remember that funny thing
that happened.Copy !req
118. Oh, yeah,
that funny thing.Copy !req
119. Tell them about it.Copy !req
120. Well... Will sat in the back
of my physics class, and..Copy !req
121. While he was there..Copy !req
122. Oh, Will, you tell it
so much better.Copy !req
123. Well, see, I snuck up
behind Hilary, right, and..Copy !req
124. Well, her head must've been fullCopy !req
125. with all that studying
or somethingCopy !req
126. because when she saw me,
she said my head looked likeCopy !req
127. the basic element
of physics.Copy !req
128. And what was that
technical term again?Copy !req
129. A quark, right?Copy !req
130. Right, exactly. I said his
head looked like a quark.Copy !req
131. Or, was it a neutron?Copy !req
132. - Right, right.
- No. It was definitely a quark.Copy !req
133. Oh, of course. I don't know
what I must've been thinking.Copy !req
134. Well, that was
a real scream, Will.Copy !req
135. Dinner is served.Copy !req
136. What do you know?Copy !req
137. Well, first of allCopy !req
138. I know that the basic element
of physics is matter.Copy !req
139. And if you were going to do
a research paperCopy !req
140. you'd probably have to know
something they taught onCopy !req
141. I don't know, the first day?Copy !req
142. - How did you find out?
- Well, I have my methods.Copy !req
143. And it helps that
Toni's roommatesCopy !req
144. have the combined IQ
of a raisin.Copy !req
145. Listen to me, Will.
You can't tell mom and dad.Copy !req
146. Excuse me? I don't think you're
in any position to tell meCopy !req
147. what I can or cannot do,
Miss Thing.Copy !req
148. I'll do anything you want,
just name it.Copy !req
149. Okay. Well, thanks to you,
I'm grounded for the next month.Copy !req
150. And all I want from you
is that you make that monthCopy !req
151. as pleasant as possible.Copy !req
152. It's that simple.Copy !req
153. At the risk
of sounding redundantCopy !req
154. dinner is served.Copy !req
155. We'll be right there, Geoffrey.Copy !req
156. - 'Uh, Hilary?'
- What?Copy !req
157. Carry me.Copy !req
158. - Yes?
- "Yes," what?Copy !req
159. Yes, Your Highness?Copy !req
160. Have you done
His Highness' laundry?Copy !req
161. Yes.. Yes, Your Highness.Copy !req
162. What, you forgot His Highness'
overalls, his t-shirt, and..Copy !req
163. of course, his pair
of lucky draws.Copy !req
164. You're going to want
to hand-wash these.Copy !req
165. I am not hand-washing
your drawers.Copy !req
166. Oh, yes, you are.Copy !req
167. And from now on, you will
pronounce the word "draws."Copy !req
168. Okay, fine.Copy !req
169. Oh, and, uh, His Highness would
like to discuss the conditionCopy !req
170. of his royal sneakers.Copy !req
171. You will clean them
with your toothbrush.Copy !req
172. Not side to side.
Not up and down.Copy !req
173. But a smooth,
circular motion.Copy !req
174. Do you want me
to floss them, too?Copy !req
175. Oh, we are not amused.Copy !req
176. And for this act of treasonCopy !req
177. His Highness would like you
to read him a bedtime story.Copy !req
178. This is getting
really annoying, Will.Copy !req
179. Okie-dokey,
have it your way.Copy !req
180. Uncle Phil! Aunt Viv!Copy !req
181. Okay, okay, I'll do it.
I'll do it.Copy !req
182. His Highness would like you to
read this Spiderman comic book.Copy !req
183. Alright.
Let's make this fast.Copy !req
184. "Spiderman by Stan Lee."Copy !req
185. The Yellow Box says,
"High above Manhattan"Copy !req
186. and Spiderman goesCopy !req
187. "My spider sense
is buzzing like a beehive."Copy !req
188. Uh, His Highness would
like you to describeCopy !req
189. everything in the picture.Copy !req
190. - Can't you look at it?
- Uncle Phil!Copy !req
191. I was just asking. Okay.Copy !req
192. He's sitting on the edge
of some stupid buildingCopy !req
193. and there are, like, wavy lines
coming out of his headCopy !req
194. so, so, what he's hot or
his head smells or something?Copy !req
195. - Anyway—
- Uh, Hilary.Copy !req
196. - That's his spidey sense.
- Okay.Copy !req
197. There's also something gross
coming out of his wrist.Copy !req
198. Ew. Is this like the guy
you don't want to beCopy !req
199. standing next to
at a party, or what?Copy !req
200. Anyway. This fat guy in a really
bad suit grabs him and goesCopy !req
201. "Spiderman, at last,
we meet again."Copy !req
202. That's Dr. Octopus, but his
voice is deeper than that.Copy !req
203. Give it a try.Copy !req
204. "At last, we meet again."Copy !req
205. In his raspier.Copy !req
206. "At last, we meet again."Copy !req
207. Oh, come on, baby,
you doggin' it.Copy !req
208. "At last, we meet again!"Copy !req
209. - Happy?
- You have amused us.Copy !req
210. But His Highness is tired
and would like to go to
sleep.Copy !req
211. - Thank God.
- Uh..Copy !req
212. But first, His Highness
would like to be tucked in.Copy !req
213. - You're kidding.
- Yeah. Of course I'm kidding.Copy !req
214. - Uncle Phil!
- Okay!Copy !req
215. Nice and tight.Copy !req
216. Not too tight.
Wouldn't want you to suffocate.Copy !req
217. Oh, and before you go,
we would like you to have
thisCopy !req
218. a list of things to do tomorrow
night at the dinner table.Copy !req
219. - Like what?
- Ah, ah. Please.Copy !req
220. We do not wish them read
in our presence.Copy !req
221. Be gone!Copy !req
222. Carlton, I'm living
a nightmare.Copy !req
223. Hilary, I'd love
to talk to youCopy !req
224. but I'm staring down
the barrel of an all-nighter.Copy !req
225. Pleas, Carlton, I need help.Copy !req
226. I'm coming to you because I know
how much you don't like Will.Copy !req
227. Will Smith is
a fine young man.Copy !req
228. Oh. come off it, Carlton.
You're talking to me now.Copy !req
229. We've let Will wreak havoc
in our lives for too longCopy !req
230. and now I think it's time
to band against himCopy !req
231. as brother and sister.Copy !req
232. - What've you got in mind?
- That's what I need you for.Copy !req
233. I don't have any plans.
I just want to punish him.Copy !req
234. I'm very vindictive.
I'm just not imaginative.Copy !req
235. Hilary, whether or not
I want to punish WillCopy !req
236. and for the record,
I haven't come out pro or con.Copy !req
237. Why are you so mad at him?Copy !req
238. Alright. It's kind of
a long storyCopy !req
239. but you've to promise
not to tell anybody.Copy !req
240. Sure.Copy !req
241. First of all,
I dropped out of college.Copy !req
242. - Hilary!
- I know. I know.Copy !req
243. Mom and dad are gonna kill you.Copy !req
244. I know. But the worst think is,
Will found out.Copy !req
245. And now he's using it
to make me doCopy !req
246. all kinds of humiliating things.Copy !req
247. Like what?Copy !req
248. He's making me clean
his sneakers.Copy !req
249. - Really?
- It gets worse.Copy !req
250. I have to hand-wash
his lucky draws.Copy !req
251. Disgusting.Copy !req
252. Oh, and this is his latest.Copy !req
253. He gave me a list
of embarrassing thingsCopy !req
254. I have to do at dinner
tomorrow night.Copy !req
255. That's awful. Is he
making you clean his room?Copy !req
256. - No.
- Will you clean mine?Copy !req
257. Carlton!Copy !req
258. I'm sorry, Hilary, but
this is too good to be true.Copy !req
259. Why should Will
have all the fun?Copy !req
260. - Why, you little—
- Dad?Copy !req
261. I hate you!Copy !req
262. Be that as it may..Copy !req
263. I want these debate cards
typed by tomorrow morning.Copy !req
264. Double-spaced.Copy !req
265. Today was career day, Terice's
dad came in to speak to us.Copy !req
266. Really? What does he do?Copy !req
267. John Rivers.Copy !req
268. Um, he's a plastic surgeon.Copy !req
269. Dinner is served.Copy !req
270. - Oh, Hilary?
- What?Copy !req
271. Did you memorize
that little list of thingsCopy !req
272. I gave you to do
at dinner tonight?Copy !req
273. Yes.Copy !req
274. Well, just to be
on the safe sideCopy !req
275. little let's have a pop
quiz.Copy !req
276. Number one, anytime Uncle Phil
takes a drink, what do you do?Copy !req
277. - I compliment you.
- Yes!Copy !req
278. Now, did you memorize
the list of compliments?Copy !req
279. - Yes.
- Okay. Very good.Copy !req
280. Number two, any time anyone
says Hilary, what do you do?Copy !req
281. I bark like a dog.Copy !req
282. That's right!
See you at dinner.Copy !req
283. Will, if you have
an ounce of compassionCopy !req
284. you'll let me off the hook?Copy !req
285. Yeah, th-that's a good point.Copy !req
286. Nah, we'll do it anyway.Copy !req
287. - Oh, Hilary?
- 'Yes?'Copy !req
288. It's dinner time.
Did you memorize our list?Copy !req
289. - Yes.
- Well, let's just review.Copy !req
290. What do you do when I hit
my glass with my spoon?Copy !req
291. - I insult Will.
- Good.Copy !req
292. And what do you do
when I clear my throat?Copy !req
293. I smack Will
upside the head.Copy !req
294. Damn it, you're prepared!
Let's go!Copy !req
295. For these gifts
we're about to receiveCopy !req
296. may the Lord make us
truly thankful. Amen.Copy !req
297. (all)
Amen!Copy !req
298. So, Vivian, how were
classes today?Copy !req
299. Fine. I just wish
my students wouldCopy !req
300. concentrate more on their work.Copy !req
301. They're very easily
distracted.Copy !req
302. I see it every day.Copy !req
303. Don't you... Hilary?Copy !req
304. Did you say something, sweetie?Copy !req
305. No.Copy !req
306. Will Smith is perfect.Copy !req
307. Why, thank you. It's so nice
to be appreciated.Copy !req
308. Yes, but perhaps,
another time.Copy !req
309. You're mother is trying to
say something, and I'm sureCopy !req
310. she would appreciate it, if
she weren't interrupted
again.Copy !req
311. Sorry.Copy !req
312. Anyway, as I was saying—Copy !req
313. Will Smith is the king
of the universe.Copy !req
314. Why, thank you.Copy !req
315. I'd like to finish my story,
if that's okay with you, Hilary.Copy !req
316. Hilary.Copy !req
317. Look, I know everyone gets
a little silly around midtermsCopy !req
318. but, not at the dinner table.Copy !req
319. I'm sorry, mom.Copy !req
320. Will Smith is
the scum of the earth.Copy !req
321. Hilary!Copy !req
322. However, Will Smith is
the pinnacle of manliness.Copy !req
323. Ahem.Copy !req
324. Hilary!Copy !req
325. Ahem.Copy !req
326. What's with Hilary?Copy !req
327. Hilary! Hilary!Copy !req
328. Hilary. Hilary.Copy !req
329. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it..Copy !req
330. I can't take it anymore!
I dropped out of school. There!Copy !req
331. You did what?Copy !req
332. I dropped out of school.Copy !req
333. - You dropped out of school?
- When did this happen?Copy !req
334. - Three months ago.
- Three months ago?Copy !req
335. And you've been lying
to us since then?Copy !req
336. Three months ago?Copy !req
337. - If you'll just let me explain.
- Three months ago?Copy !req
338. Mother, please,
just let me explain.Copy !req
339. I'm not interested.
You've been lying to us.Copy !req
340. - And if you think for one—
- Philip, wait.Copy !req
341. Will, Carlton, Ashley, take
your dinner into the kitchen.Copy !req
342. Thanks a lot, Will.Copy !req
343. Man, they've been in there
for a hour.Copy !req
344. I wonder what Hilary told
mom and dadCopy !req
345. about our part in all this.Copy !req
346. I think it's pretty safe
to assumeCopy !req
347. she sang like a canary.Copy !req
348. Well, there's no need to worry,
she's been lying to themCopy !req
349. for three months.Copy !req
350. We can punch holes
in her credibility.Copy !req
351. Mom, dad, awfully sad about
what happened to Hilary.Copy !req
352. Hope her crazy lies
don't drag down anyone else.Copy !req
353. Carlton, sit.Copy !req
354. Maybe we haven't been
clear enoughCopy !req
355. about the rules of this house.Copy !req
356. You are not to blackmail
other members of this
family.Copy !req
357. Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.Copy !req
358. You two are grounded
for a month.Copy !req
359. And, Will, added to
the month that you already haveCopy !req
360. that should pretty much
take you into fiscal '91.Copy !req
361. - Dad!
- You are excused.Copy !req
362. I don't know, Philip.Copy !req
363. - I've been thinking.
- About what?Copy !req
364. You know, what Hilary said
when she was alone with us.Copy !req
365. You know, that-that I've put
too much pressure on her.Copy !req
366. That it's hard living up to a
mother who's a college professorCopy !req
367. that I made her feel
she could never come to usCopy !req
368. and admit that she failed.Copy !req
369. You mean you bought that crap?Copy !req
370. Mom, dad, can I say something?Copy !req
371. Yes.Copy !req
372. I've been thinking
and I decided that I'll doCopy !req
373. whatever you want me to do,
to make things better.Copy !req
374. And exactly
what would that be?Copy !req
375. I don't know.
Whatever you want me to do.Copy !req
376. Hilary, that's the problem.Copy !req
377. We've been making all
the decisions for you.Copy !req
378. You're 21 years old.Copy !req
379. It's time for you
to make your own decisions.Copy !req
380. If you weren't getting anything
out of collegeCopy !req
381. and you wanted to drop out,
you should have told usCopy !req
382. and not tried to hide it
like a little kid.Copy !req
383. But I thought you wanted me
to go to college.Copy !req
384. We want you to go to college
when you'll appreciate it.Copy !req
385. But it's not to make us happyCopy !req
386. it's to make something
of your life.Copy !req
387. We just want you
to be all you can be.Copy !req
388. You want me to join the army?Copy !req
389. Let's try this again.Copy !req
390. Hilary, what do you want
to do with your life?Copy !req
391. I don't know. I guess,
I'll have to think about it.Copy !req
392. Well, while you're
thinking about itCopy !req
393. you're gonna get yourself a job.Copy !req
394. Okay.Copy !req
395. Goodnight.Copy !req
396. Mom, dad?Copy !req
397. What kind of job
do you want me to get?Copy !req
398. I'm not talking to you.Copy !req
399. Hey, look, straight up.Copy !req
400. I-I didn't know you was
gonna break down like that.Copy !req
401. I mean, you walk around here
like nothing bothers you.Copy !req
402. I guess, I took it
a little too farCopy !req
403. and I-I just wanna say,
I'm sorry.Copy !req
404. Yeah, now. An hour ago,
you were ready to tell on
me.Copy !req
405. Hilary, you trippin'.
I was never gonna tell on you.Copy !req
406. - Really?
- Come on, of course not.Copy !req
407. How about you, Carlton?Copy !req
408. We're dealing in
hypotheticals here.Copy !req
409. Fine.
I wasn't gonna tell.Copy !req
410. Does that little placebo make
either of you feel any better?Copy !req
411. So, I guess, you're gonna
hate me forever, right?Copy !req
412. Well, I thought about it.Copy !req
413. And I guess, I brought
this whole thing on myself.Copy !req
414. I mean, if I hadn't
gotten you groundedCopy !req
415. you wouldn't have
blackmailed me.Copy !req
416. So, I've learnt my lesson,
and we're even.Copy !req
417. Oh, hey,
that's decent, Hilary.Copy !req
418. Goodnight.Copy !req
419. Oh, before you go.Copy !req
420. As my last official
act of servitudeCopy !req
421. I did finished your laundry.Copy !req
422. I can't believe I made
you do that. I-I'm sorry.Copy !req
423. It's okay.
What's done is done.Copy !req
424. Hilary!Copy !req
425. My lucky draws!Copy !req