1. Hey, Uncle Phil!
Oh, man!
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2. How are you doing?
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3. I am not
your Uncle Philip.
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4. Oh, uh, my fault, man.
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5. I must have got
the wrong crib, hey, but..
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6. Hey, yo, I didn't know
so many brothers
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7. living in this neighborhood.
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8. We're doing alright, huh?
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9. You have the right house.
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10. I am Geoffrey,
your uncle's butler.
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11. Oh, okay, well, I..
Cheerio and all that rot.
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12. Bring the horses round,
would you?
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13. If you will follow me
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14. I will show you to your room,
Master William.
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15. Hey, man, it's cool
if you just call me Will, man.
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16. Master William
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17. tradition dictates
that a clean, unbreakable line
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18. be drawn between a family
and their butler.
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19. Therefore, it is necessary
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20. for the operation
of a household
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21. that you address me
as Geoffrey
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22. and I in turn address you
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23. by your proper title.
Master William.
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24. Who are you,
Robo-butler, man?
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25. Come with me,
Master William.
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26. Yo, yo, G-G-G, let me rap
to you for a second, man.
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27. All this Master William stuff,
man?
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28. I'm not down with that, man,
make it sound like
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29. we're back
on the plantation, we like..
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30. "Massah William!
Massah William!"
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31. Let's come up with something
better you could call me.
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32. - What would you prefer?
- Check this.
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33. His Royal Freshness..
That's dope.
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34. Master William,
walk this way.
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35. No.
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36. - Willie!
- Hey, Aunt Viv!
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37. - Sweetie, hi.
- How you doing?
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38. Oh, my goodness.
Let me look at you.
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39. Turn around, honey,
the last time we saw you
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40. you were this
funny little boy.
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41. Now look at you.
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42. Oh, my goodness.
You are a man.
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43. Well, that was the plan.
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44. It is amazing.
You certainly have grown, Will.
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45. Well, we all have.
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46. Did you enjoy the trip?
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47. Oh, yo, the plane ride
was stupid all over.
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48. Excuse me?
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49. No, I'm sayin',
the plane was dope—
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50. Excuse me?
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51. No, stupid, dope..
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52. Oh, no, that-that doesn't
mean what you..
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53. Um, how would he say..
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54. The flight was
really neat, yeah.
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55. Geoffrey, would you take Will
to his room, please
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56. and help him get settled in?
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57. - Yes, madam.
- Nice seeing you.
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58. Master William.
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59. You got to love
this guy, right?
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60. Did you see
the way he was dressed?
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61. - What's wrong with it?
- You hear that language?
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62. 'Oh. We used slang
when we were kids.'
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63. Do you remember
our first date?
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64. You took one look at me
and you said
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65. "Vivian, that
is a bad dress."
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66. Now, you could have
just said it was a good dress.
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67. I could have if I liked it.
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68. Actually, it was a bad dress.
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69. That's stupid. Now, take it for
whatever meaning you want.
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70. - He's got you doing it.
- Oh, Philip.
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71. Cut him some slack, please.
He's my nephew.
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72. And I would just appreciate it
if you would
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73. try to understand him.
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74. Hi, mom.
Hi, dad.
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75. - Hi, sweetie pie. Hi.
- Hi, Ashley.
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76. Yo, this place is huge, man.
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77. Next time, I go to my room,
I'mma take some bread crumbs.
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78. Will, this is Ashley.
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79. Hey, hi, my little
Scottish cousin.
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80. Pleased to make
your acquaintance.
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81. I'm your humble servant.
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82. - He's cute.
- I know he is.
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83. Well, I'm going to take
a swim before dinner.
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84. Good luck, mom.
The pool heater's broken.
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85. Don't you just hate it
when that happens?
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86. Oh, yes.
That is my pet peeve.
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87. - You got your own pool in here?
- Uh-hmm.
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88. And a tennis court too.
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89. Yo, this is better
than "Love Boat."
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90. This boy going to be
maxing and relaxing.
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91. No, no, no. Hold on.
Just a minute, son. No, no, no.
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92. We promised your mother that
you're here to work hard
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93. straighten out, and learn some
good old-fashioned
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94. American values.
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95. Dad, I need $300.
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96. Hilary, your cousin
Will is here.
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97. Hi.
Dad, I need $300.
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98. That's a lot of money,
Hilary. What for?
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99. I need a new hat.
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100. - For what?
- Probably her head.
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101. Okay, like, I'm going on the
Save The Ozone Celebrity Bus
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102. next Saturday, it's gonna be
Bruce Willis and Demi
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103. Rob Lowe,
Emilio Estevez
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104. or Charlie Sheen.
I can't remember which.
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105. We're gonna take the bus
all over town
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106. to protest air pollution
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107. and then we're gonna motor
to the beach
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108. and have a big bonfire.
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109. What?
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110. I'm not an expert or anything,
but don't you think
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111. driving a big ol' bus around
town, and then having a bonfire
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112. sorta adding to the
problem of pollution?
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113. What do you think, huh?
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114. Look, if this
weren't a good idea
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115. I really, really don't think
Ally Sheedy would be involved.
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116. Hey, look who's here, Benson.
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117. This is for you.
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118. Oh, but I didn't
get you anything.
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119. Your uncle has invited
several of the partners
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120. from his law firm to dinner.
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121. At the time of the invitation
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122. he did not realize you'd be
descending upon him today.
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123. And regrettably,
it was too late to cancel.
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124. Yo, are we having a party?
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125. Oh, so we're going to get
stupid, right?
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126. For some of us,
that will require
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127. very little effort indeed.
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128. Miss Ashley.
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129. That will be all, Geoffrey.
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130. That's all you got to say
to get rid of him?
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131. I've been racking my brain.
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132. Uh, this is for you.
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133. Oh, thank you, Ashley.
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134. Oh, this is nice.
You're very talented.
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135. Well, I'm glad
I'm good at something.
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136. Huh?
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137. I tried out
for school chorus today
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138. but I didn't get in.
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139. How come?
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140. Well, when I auditioned
for Mrs. Burkley
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141. I couldn't remember
all the words to the song.
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142. The part I remembered
was fantastic.
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143. I'm sure it was.
I bet you're def.
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144. That's what she said.
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145. No, not-not deaf deaf.
D-E-F.
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146. It's, that's just slang.
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147. Means terrific, good,
you know.
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148. Oh, well, thank you.
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149. You should try
being a rapper.
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150. When you're rapping
you mess up the words
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151. and make up some new ones
right there on the spot.
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152. So let's-let's try this,
I'll sing one line
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153. and you make up a line
to rhyme it.
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154. - Okay.
- Alright. Let's see. Alright.
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155. I'm thinking, alright?
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156. Alright.
We got all day.
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157. - Okay, I got it.
- Alright, here we go.
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158. Yeah, yeah.
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159. Ashley, honey,
why don't you go downstairs
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160. and get ready for dinner.
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161. - Okay, daddy. Bye, Will.
- Check you later, Ash.
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162. Look who's here, Will.
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163. Hey!
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164. Who is he?
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165. It's your cousin Carlton.
Don't you remember?
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166. When you two were little, people
used to think you were twins.
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167. You looked exactly alike.
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168. Oh. Well, I guess some things
never change, huh?
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169. - How's it going there, Will?
- Yeah, it's going alright, man.
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170. Ahh. Malcolm X.
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171. Yeah, he's sort of my hero.
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172. Well, he was a great man.
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173. I don't know if I'd
call him my hero exactly.
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174. Oh, really?
Who are your heroes?
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175. Well, my dad.
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176. And Bryant Gumbel.
He's darn good.
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177. Oh, my, yes!
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178. I see they brought
your tuxedo.
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179. Tell me something, Will.
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180. Have you ever attended
a formal dinner before?
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181. Well, you know,
other than that thing
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182. at Buckingham Palace, no.
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183. Hmm. Yeah, okay.
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184. The important thing
to remember is to just relax
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185. enjoy yourself,
and when in doubt
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186. do whatever Carlton's doing.
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187. You got it, man.
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188. Okay, then
I'll see you at dinner.
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189. That's a really
neat tux, isn't it, Will?
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190. Oh, yes. It's definitely
the cat's meow.
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191. Wait till we come downstairs
in those tuxes.
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192. People may not think
we're twins
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193. but I bet they'll think
we're brothers.
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194. You know, I don't think
you have to worry about
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195. anybody mistaking
you for a brother.
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196. Touche.
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197. This is going to be great.
Your first formal dinner.
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198. And tomorrow,
I'll introduce you to the gang.
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199. Maybe we'll play
a set of tennis or two.
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200. Oh, yes. This is
going to be wild.
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201. Aah!
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202. - Where is he?
- He's upstairs changing.
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203. Not Will.
President Reagan.
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204. - You didn't?
- What do you mean I didn't?
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205. - You invited him again.
- Why not? He's our neighbor.
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206. Philip, he's turned down
the last 16 invitations.
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207. When are you gonna take a hint?
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208. Maybe I should
call his house.
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209. Philip, don't,
I don't want him here.
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210. - Why not?
- Because he'll bring her.
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211. Anyway, Bruce and Demi and I
all feel
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212. that the ozone layer
must be protected.
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213. I mean, every square foot
of rain forest that's cut down
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214. brings us just one step closer
to global warming.
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215. We have to learn to protect
the earth
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216. not just for ourselves
and not just for our children
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217. but for the future
of all mankind.
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218. Oh, I had no idea it was
such a serious problem.
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219. I-I really commend you
for getting involved
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220. in such a good cause.
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221. Thanks. It's my passion.
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222. Where can I send
a donation?
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223. I don't know.
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224. Oh, my God!
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225. Philip, Philip, don't make
a big thing out of it.
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226. If this is how
he feels comfortable.
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227. It's not killing anybody.
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228. Philip, aren't you going
to introduce Will?
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229. Introduce him.
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230. Well, Steve, David, Henry
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231. this is Will,
my nephew by marriage.
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232. Will, these are my partners
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233. in the law firm
of Furth, Wynn, and Meyer.
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234. Hey, Earth, Wind, and Fire!
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235. When's your next album
coming out?
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236. Uh, Will is going to go to
Bel-Air academy with Carlton.
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237. Oh! Good for you, Will.
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238. I used to fence at Bel-Air.
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239. Really? How much you think we
can get for that stereo?
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240. Oh, these, these hors d'oeuvres
look tempting.
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241. Hey, don't mind if I do.
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242. How could you do that?
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243. It's all in the tongue.
Show you later.
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244. Will! There are other people
at this table.
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245. Oh. You're right.
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246. Any requests?
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247. Sweetie, would you
say grace, please?
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248. Yes, mommy.
Ahem!
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249. Hey, Geoffrey, home butler!
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250. I'm glad to see you, man.
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251. It is a special thrill
for me as well.
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252. Yo, check this out, I'm gon' be
down here for a little while.
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253. Why don't you hop on in the
kitchen and get me some cocoa?
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254. Master William, while it is
my natural inclination
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255. to accede to
your every demand
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256. I officially go
off duty at 9:00 p.m.
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257. And if you care to
look at your watch
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258. you will note
the long hand is on 12
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259. and the short hand is on nine.
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260. It is 9 o'clock,
Master William.
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261. And do you know
what that means?
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262. "Masterpiece Theatre" is on.
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263. Sir, do you require
anything further of me?
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264. - No, Geoffrey.
- Then I shall retire.
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265. Man, he took that hard.
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266. - I want to talk to you.
- About what?
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267. You know, from the minute
you walked in that door
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268. you've been a one-man wrecking
crew trying to tear down
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269. what's taken a lot
of hard work to build up
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270. skewering everything with
your flippant shenanigans!
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271. Hey, man, I-I was with you
up till skewering.
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272. You know what
I'm talking about.
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273. You deliberately tried
to embarrass me tonight
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274. and I don't get it,
your aunt and I went through
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275. a lot of trouble
to bring you out here.
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276. And this is the thanks we get?
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277. Man, I ain't asked to come here.
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278. Everybody's talking about
shipping me off
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279. and dressing me up,
and changing me
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280. into something
that I don't want to be.
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281. Nobody wants to change you.
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282. You told me yourself
I got to straighten out
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283. and "When in doubt,
act as Carlton acts."
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284. Man, I don't wanna
be like Carlton.
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285. I-I mean, I'm a joker.
I play around. I have fun.
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286. Umm-hmm, being a joker is
what's gotten you into trouble.
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287. You may think it's cool to be
on the streets when you're 17
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288. but when you're my age,
it's a waste.
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289. Yo, I can't think
that far ahead.
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290. That's your problem.
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291. You can't take
anything seriously.
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292. Look, man, I don't have
the problem, alright
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293. you have the problem.
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294. Alright, I remind you
of where you came from
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295. and what you used to be, now I
don't know somewhere between
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296. Princeton or the office,
you got soft.
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297. You forgot who you are
and where you came from.
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298. You think you're so wise.
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299. Look at me
when I'm talking to you.
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300. Let me tell you
something, son.
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301. I grew up on the streets
just like you.
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302. I encountered bigotry
you could not imagine.
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303. Now, you have a nice poster
of Malcolm X on your wall.
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304. I heard the brother speak.
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305. I read every word he wrote.
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306. Believe me.
I know where I come from.
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307. You actually heard
Malcolm speak, man?
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308. That's right, so before
you criticize somebody
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309. you find out
what he's all about.
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310. I'll take care of you in the
morning. I'm going to bed.
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311. Oh, hold up, I can't tell
my side of the story?
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312. No, you can't tell
your side of the story.
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313. I know what
you're all about.
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314. Believe me,
the very thought of it
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315. makes me very, very tired.
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316. Goodnight.
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317. 'Ash?'
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318. Ash.
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319. Will!
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320. Ladies and gentlemen,
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321. my fly girl, Ashley Banks.
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322. Would you teach me
how to dance?
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323. Well, yeah.
Not in here.
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324. Even I'll lose my rhythm
in this room.
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325. Okay.
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326. Hey, so, um, could you
do me a favor?
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327. Sure.
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328. I seem to be missing
a walkman, you know
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329. so if it like
shows up anywhere
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330. like, I don't know,
on your head
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331. maybe just, you know
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332. maybe you could
get that to me.
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333. Sorry. Dad won't
let me get one.
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334. How come?
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335. He says he wants to
hear everything
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336. I'm listening to, you know,
to make sure it's not bad.
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337. Well, what record does
he think's good?
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338. He really, really likes
"The Care Bears."
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339. Oh.
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340. Look, Ash,
from time to time
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341. your father's going
to say or do things
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342. that may seem irrational
or hard for you to understand.
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343. You know, it's not because
he's mean or a bad guy
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344. or it's not that he doesn't
care about you.
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345. It's that
he's from Mars, Ashley.
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346. - I got to get washed up.
- Me, too.
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347. I'm really glad
you're living here, Will.
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348. Oh, thanks, Ash.
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349. You're like the big brother
I never had.
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350. Oh, what, what are you talking
about? You got Carl..
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351. You're right.
I see your point.
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352. How many bathrooms
you got in this place?
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353. Four and a half.
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354. A half bath?
Now, how does that work?
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355. It doesn't have everything
a full bathroom has.
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356. Oh, well, I think you better
show me a full bathroom.
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357. I don't want
to take no chances.
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358. Next bathroom.
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359. 'Can't a person
gargle in peace?'
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360. Uh, Hilary, are you gonna
be in there for long
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361. or is this just
like a pit stop?
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362. 'Stop hounding me.'
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363. 'I'm trying to take
off my makeup.'
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364. 'Now go away.'
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365. Okay, goodnight, Hilary.
Shh!
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366. I knew it!
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