1. Uncle Phil! Man! How are you doing?
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2. I am not your uncle Philip.
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3. My fault, man.
I must have got the wrong crib.
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4. I didn't know there were so many brothers
living in this neighborhood.
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5. We're doing all right, huh?
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6. You have the right house.
I am Geoffrey, your uncle's butler.
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7. Okay, well, l... Cheerio and all that rot.
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8. Bring the horses round, would you?
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9. if you will follow me...
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10. I will show you to your room,
Master William.
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11. Hey, man, it's cool if you just call me Will.
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12. Master William...
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13. tradition dictates
that a clean, unbreakable line...
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14. be drawn between
a family and their butler.
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15. Therefore, it is necessary
for the operation of a household...
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16. that you address me as Geoffrey...
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17. and l, in turn, address you
by your proper title: Master William.
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18. Who are you, Robo-butler, man?
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19. Come with me, Master William.
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20. Yo, G. Let me rap to you for a second.
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21. All this Master William stuff,
I'm not down with that, man.
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22. Make it sound like
we're back on the plantation, like:
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23. "Massa William! Massa William! "
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24. Let's come up with something better
that you could call me.
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25. What would you prefer?
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26. Check this: "His Royal Freshness."
That's dope.
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27. Master William, walk this way.
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28. No.
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29. - Willie!
- Hey, Aunt Viv!
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30. - Sweetie, hi.
- How you doing?
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31. My goodness, let me look at you.
Turn around.
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32. The last time we saw you,
you were this funny little boy.
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33. Now look at you.
My goodness, you are a man.
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34. That was the plan.
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35. It is amazing.
You certainly have grown, Will.
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36. Well, we all have.
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37. Did you enjoy the trip?
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38. The plane ride was stupid.
All the way first-class—
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39. Excuse me?
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40. - I'm saying the plane was dope—
- Excuse me?
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41. No. Stupid, dope...
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42. No, that doesn't mean what you...
How would he say...
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43. The flight was really neat.
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44. Geoffrey, would you take Will to his room,
and help him get settled in?
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45. - Yes, Madam.
- Nice seeing you.
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46. - Master William.
- You got to love this guy, right?
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47. - Did you see the way he was dressed?
- What's wrong?
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48. - You hear that language?
- We used slang when we were kids.
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49. Do you remember our first date?
You took one look at me and said:
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50. "That is a bad dress."
You could've just said it was a good dress.
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51. I could have, if I liked it.
Actually, it was a bad dress.
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52. That's stupid.
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53. Now, take it
for whatever meaning you want.
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54. Now he's got you doing it.
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55. Philip, cut him some slack, please.
He's my nephew.
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56. And I would just appreciate it
if you would try to understand him.
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57. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
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58. - Hi, sweetie pie.
- Hi, Ashley.
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59. Yo, this place is huge, man.
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60. Next time I go to my room,
I'm gonna take some bread crumbs.
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61. - Will, this is Ashley.
- Hi. My little Scottish cousin.
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62. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
I'm your humble servant.
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63. - He's cute.
- I know he is.
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64. - I'm gonna take a swim before dinner.
- Good luck. The pool heater's broken.
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65. - Don't you just hate it when that happens?
- Yes, that is my pet peeve.
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66. - You got your own pool here?
- And a tennis court, too.
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67. Yo, this is better than Love Boat.
This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing.
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68. Hold on just a minute, son.
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69. We promised your mother that you're here
to work hard, straighten out...
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70. and learn some good old-fashioned
American values.
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71. Dad, I need $300.
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72. Hilary, your cousin Will is here.
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73. Hi. Dad, I need $300.
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74. That's a lot of money, Hilary. What for?
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75. I need a new hat.
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76. - For what?
- Probably her head.
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77. Okay, I'm going on the Save the Ozone
celebrity bus next Saturday.
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78. It's gonna be Bruce Willis and Demi,
Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez...
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79. or Charlie Sheen, I can't remember which.
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80. We're taking the bus all over town
to protest air pollution...
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81. and then we're gonna motor to the beach
and have a big bonfire.
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82. What?
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83. I'm not an expert or anything,
but don't you think...
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84. driving a big old bus around town
and then having a bonfire...
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85. is sort of adding
to the problem of pollution?
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86. Look, if this weren't a good idea...
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87. I really don't think
Ally Sheedy would be involved.
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88. Hey, look who's here. Benson.
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89. - This is for you.
- But I didn't get you anything.
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90. Your uncle has invited several
of the partners from his law firm to dinner.
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91. At the time of the invitation,
he did not realize...
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92. you'd be descending upon him today.
And regrettably, it was too late to cancel.
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93. Yo, are we having a party?
We're gonna get stupid, right?
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94. For some of us,
that will require very little effort indeed.
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95. - Miss Ashley.
- That will be all, Geoffrey.
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96. That's all you had to say to get rid of him?
I've been racking my brain.
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97. - This is for you.
- Thank you, Ashley.
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98. This is nice. You're very talented.
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99. Well, I'm glad I'm good at something.
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100. I tried out for the school chorus today,
but I didn't get in.
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101. How come?
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102. Well, when I auditioned for Mrs. Berkley...
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103. I couldn't rememberall the words.
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104. The part I remembered was fantastic.
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105. - I'm sure it was. I bet you're def.
- That's what she said.
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106. Not deaf. D-E-F. That's just slang.
Means terrific, good.
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107. Thank you.
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108. You should try rapping.
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109. When you're rapping,
you mess up the words...
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110. and make up some new ones
right there on the spot.
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111. Let's try this. I'll sing one line,
you make up a line to rhyme it.
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112. - Okay.
- All right. Let's see.
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113. "You didn't get into
Miss Berkley's chorus"
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114. - I'm thinking, all right?
- That's all right. We got all day.
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115. - Okay, I've got it.
- Here we go.
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116. "You didn't get into
Miss Berkley's chorus"
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117. "I'd like to hit her in the head
with Roget's Thesaurus"
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118. "Don't need no choir
when you're a rapper"
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119. "Gonna hunt Miss Berkley down
and zap her"
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120. "Got this whole town of Bel-Air buzzing"
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121. "Get a load of me and my rapping cousin"
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122. Ashley, why don't you go downstairs
and get ready for dinner.
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123. - Okay, Daddy. Bye, Will.
- Check you later, Ash.
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124. Look who's here, Will.
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125. Who is he?
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126. It's your cousin, Carlton.
Don't you remember?
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127. When you two were little,
people thought you were twins.
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128. You looked exactly alike.
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129. I guess some things never change.
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130. - How's it going there, Will?
- It's going all right.
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131. - Malcolm X.
- He's sort of my hero.
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132. Well, he was a great man.
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133. I don't know
if I'd call him my hero exactly.
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134. - Really? Who are your heroes?
- Well, my dad.
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135. And Bryant Gumbel. He's darn good.
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136. Oh, my, yes!
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137. I see they brought your tuxedo.
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138. Tell me something, Will.
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139. Have you ever attended
a formal dinner before?
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140. Other than that thing
at Buckingham Palace, no.
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141. The important thing to remember
is to relax, enjoy yourself...
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142. and when in doubt,
do whatever Carlton's doing.
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143. - You got it, man.
- Okay, I'll see you at dinner.
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144. - That's a really neat tux, isn't it, Will?
- Yes. It's definitely the cat's meow.
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145. Wait till we come downstairs
in those tuxes.
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146. People may not think we're twins,
but I bet they'll think we're brothers.
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147. I don't think you have to worry about
anybody mistaking you for a brother.
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148. Touche.
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149. This is going to be great.
Your first formal dinner.
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150. And tomorrow,
I'll introduce you to the gang.
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151. Maybe we'll play a set of tennis or two.
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152. Yes, this is going to be wild.
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153. - Where is he?
- He's upstairs changing.
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154. Not Will. President Reagan.
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155. - You didn't?
- What do you mean, I didn't?
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156. - You invited him again.
- Why not? He's our neighbor.
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157. He's turned down the last 16 invitations.
When are you gonna take a hint?
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158. - Maybe I should call his house.
- Don't. I don't want him here.
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159. - Why not?
- Because he'll bring her.
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160. Anyway, Bruce, Demi and I all feel
that the ozone layer must be protected.
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161. I mean, every square foot
of rain forest that's cut down...
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162. brings us just one step closer
to global warming.
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163. We have to learn to protect the earth.
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164. Not just for ourselves
and not just for our children...
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165. but for the future of all mankind.
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166. I had no idea
it was such a serious problem.
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167. I really commend you for getting involved
in such a good cause.
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168. Thanks. It's my passion.
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169. - Where can I send a donation?
- I don't know.
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170. Oh, my God!
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171. Philip, don't make a big thing out of it.
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172. if this is how he feels comfortable...
He's not killing anybody.
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173. Aren't you going to introduce Will?
lntroduce him.
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174. Well, Steve, David, Henry.
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175. This is Will, my nephew by marriage.
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176. Will, these are my partners
in the law firm of Furth, Winn and Meyer.
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177. Earth, Wind & Fire!
When's your next album coming out?
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178. Will is going to go
to Bel-Air Academy with Carlton.
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179. Good for you, Will.
I used to fence at Bel-Air.
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180. Really? How much do you think
we could get for that stereo?
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181. These hors d'oeuvres look tempting.
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182. Don't mind if I do.
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183. - How could you do that?
- It's all in the tongue. I'll show you later.
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184. There are other people at this table.
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185. You're right.
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186. Any requests?
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187. - Sweetie, would you say grace, please?
- Yes, Mommy.
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188. "Hey, there, Lord
My name is Ashley Banks
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189. "My family and friends
Want to give you some thanks
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190. "So before this dinner's
All swallowed and chewed
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191. "Thank you, God, for this stupid food"
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192. Hey, Geoffrey, home butler.
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193. I'm glad to see you, man.
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194. It is a special thrill for me as well.
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195. I'll be down here for a while.
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196. Why don't you hop on in the kitchen
and get me some cocoa?
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197. While it is my natural inclination
to accede to your every demand...
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198. I officially go off duty at 9:00 p.m.
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199. If you care to look at your watch,
you'll note...
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200. that the long hand is on 12,
and the short hand is on 9.
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201. It is 9:00, Master William.
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202. And do you know what that means?
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203. Masterpiece Theatre is on.
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204. Sir, do you require anything further of me?
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205. No, Geoffrey.
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206. Then I shall retire.
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207. Man, he took that hard.
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208. I want to talk to you.
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209. - About what?
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210. From the minute you came,
you've been a one-man wrecking crew...
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211. trying to tear down what's taken
a lot of hard work to build up...
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212. skewering everything
with flippant shenanigans!
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213. Man, I was with you up till "skewering."
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214. You know what I'm talking about.
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215. You deliberately tried
to embarrass me tonight and I don't get it.
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216. We went through trouble to bring you here.
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217. This is our thanks?
I ain't asked to come.
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218. Everyone's shipping me off,
dressing me up...
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219. changing me into something
I don't want to be.
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220. Nobody wants to change you.
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221. You told me yourself
I got to straighten out.
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222. "When in doubt, act as Carlton acts."
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223. I'm a joker. I play around. I have fun.
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224. Being a joker's gotten you into trouble.
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225. You may think it's cool
to be on the streets
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226. but when you're my age, it's a waste.
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227. I can't think that far ahead.
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228. That's your problem.
You can't take anything seriously.
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229. I don't have the problem.
You have the problem.
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230. I remind you of where you came from.
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231. Somewhere between Princeton or the office, you got soft.
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232. You forgot who you are
and where you came from.
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233. You think you're so wise.
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234. Look at me when I'm talking to you.
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235. Let me tell you something, son.
I grew up on the streets just like you.
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236. I encountered bigotry
you could not imagine.
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237. Now, you have a nice poster
of Malcolm X on your wall.
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238. I heard the brother speak.
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239. I read every word he wrote.
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240. Believe me, I know where I come from.
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241. - You actually heard Malcolm speak, man?
- That's right.
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242. So before you criticize somebody,
you find out what he's all about.
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243. I'll take care of you in the morning.
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244. I can't tell my side?
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245. No, you can't.
I know what you're all about.
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246. Believe me, the very thought of it
makes me very tired.
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247. Good night.
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248. Ladies and gentlemen,
my fly girl, Ashley Banks.
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249. - Would you teach me how to dance?
- Yeah.
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250. Not in here.
Even I lose my rhythm in this room.
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251. Okay.
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252. - Could you do me a favor?
- Sure.
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253. I seem to be missing a Walkman.
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254. So if it shows up anywhere, like,
I don't know, on your head, maybe...
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255. maybe you could get that to me.
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256. - Sorry. Dad won't let me get one.
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257. He wants to hear everything I'm listening to to make sure it's not bad.
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258. - What record does he think's good?
- He really likes the Care Bears.
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259. Ash, from time to time,
your father's going to say or do things...
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260. that may seem irrational
or hard to understand.
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261. It's not because he's mean or a bad guy or that he doesn't care about you.
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262. It's that he's from Mars, Ashley.
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263. - I got to get washed up.
- Me, too.
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264. - I'm really glad you're living here.
- Thanks, Ash.
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265. You're like the big brother I never had.
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266. What are you talking about? You got...
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267. You're right. I see your point.
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268. How many bathrooms
you got in this place?
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269. Four and a half.
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270. A half bath? How does that work?
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271. It doesn't have everything
a full bathroom has.
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272. Show me a full bathroom.
I don't want to take no chances.
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273. Next bathroom.
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274. Can't a person gargle in peace?
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275. Hilary, will you be in there long, or is this just like a pit stop?
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276. Stop hounding me.
I'm trying to take off my makeup.
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277. Now go away.
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278. Okay, good night, Hilary.
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279. I knew it!
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