The Franchise 1x7

1. And... action!

2. Now make him step through the portal, please.

3. - Ori, go! Ori! - Come on.

4. Through the portal.

5. Cut, cut.

6. Cut the dumb fucking goat heart out with a knife!

7. Okay, that's a cut, guys.

8. It's nothing personal, Tamaz. She'll be great.

9. The goat is bullshit.

10. And I say that as someone who's worked with sheep.

11. Location brain. He just needs a rest.

12. He's had that hat on for three days.

13. I heard a rumor that the toggle got stuck on Wednesday

14. and now he's sleeping in it.

15. All right, Eric, it's just a quick establisher, mate. Yeah?

16. It was supposed to be a funny bit.

17. The goat from before has wandered through the portal.

18. It was unexpected, it was funny.

19. Fuck!

20. I think she's just a very somber screen presence.

21. I mean, not to put all our problems on the goat, but—

22. Can you find me a goat that does comedy please, Daniel?

23. I mean, I'm joking but I'm serious.

24. Dag, can you call the agency?

25. I need the Armenian Richard Pryor,

26. but a goat. Yeah?

27. - No, not again. - It's okay, Eric.

28. It's probably just a one-off. It doesn't mean they're back.

29. Scheisse! Scheisse.

30. Fucking jerkoff.

31. Motherfucking, cocksucking hiccups!

32. God. Imagine if we all just lost our minds out here.

33. Fuck!

34. Oh, it's happening.

35. What a bridge.

36. According to the local fixer,

37. who wouldn't shut the fuck up, it is historically significant.

38. We blow up the bestest stuff.

39. Eric wants a practical explosion in his movie,

40. and the Armenian people respect that.

41. Survived many centuries,

42. but it shall not survive our franchise.

43. Isn't that right, Mr. Explosives Man?

44. Trigger plus bang equals boom.

45. Safety plus safety equals safety,

46. and everyone keeps their fingers.

47. Right?

48. - What did he say? - No fucking clue.

49. They have so much of this crap, they don't give a shit.

50. By the way, we're hosting a local sick boy.

51. He gets his dream day

52. and we get a delicious bowl of Armenian tax credits. Yum.

53. So, what's... what's up with Eric?

54. I hear he's got a hat stuck on his head?

55. Broken down by the jackboot of the studio

56. stomping on his dream, I guess.

57. He's currently at the hotel. He's having a hot bath.

58. Getting into the zone to blow up that bridge.

59. - Are you swallowing gum, Pat? - Yeah, I do this sometimes.

60. What happens when it comes out? You just lay a big white egg?

61. It never comes out. That's the best part.

62. Hey, you see this shit on Deadline now?

63. Fucking Scorsese's at it again.

64. "Oh, cinema's dead. Franchise movies killed it."

65. We ran the data and we think he might be right.

66. What? Wait, new data?

67. Yeah, our tracking's in the toilet.

68. More multiplex closures incoming.

69. I had Shane on the phone freaking out,

70. asking me if he killed cinema.

71. Huh? Obviously, I had to say no, but...

72. Oh, God.

73. Rome is getting toasty, Anita. Action may have to be taken.

74. - Pat? - Yeah.

75. You want to see a bone I found?

76. You found a bone? Fuck yeah, I do!

77. Oh, shit! We're in the bone zone, yo.

78. Okay, everyone, listen up.

79. This'll only take a couple of minutes.

80. Okay, there's one protected species in the area.

81. The Armenian whiskered bat. Brown fur.

82. Please do not approach it,

83. but come and speak to me immediately.

84. Speaking of protected species, you know Rufus?

85. Mama fucked a mollusk. And we did not use condoms.

86. Oh my God, Steph.

87. I know, it's awful. It's awful.

88. I don't know why I'm laughing.

89. He's married. So am I. It's terrible.

90. I'm rooting for you guys. I am.

91. The acceptable face of infidelity.

92. Why didn't we use condoms? We had some.

93. They were right there. Big thick ones.

94. What if I'm pregnant?

95. I really hope you are.

96. Come on, Dag. Come on now, Dag.

97. Okay, that's quite enough, young missy.

98. It's just— It's a harmless location-ship.

99. Cut to, me breastfeeding baby Rufus.

100. Oh my God. I don't know why I'm laughing.

101. This could destroy lives.

102. All right, thank you, Lana. Let's get to work.

103. Morning, big man.

104. Morning, Stephanie.

105. May I direct you to our director?

106. Great, the cat in the hat is back.

107. I got excited 'cause I thought it was a different hat,

108. but it's actually the same one.

109. God, so hot in here.

110. Let's all take our hats off. Yeah, guys?

111. You feel better after your hot bath?

112. Better.

113. And while I was in the tub, I read an article on Deadline.

114. Marty thinks we killed cinema.

115. And that made me rethink everything.

116. Oh, goodie.

117. I cannot be responsible

118. for the death of the thing that I love the most.

119. And so, a new subversive ending.

120. I had Dave from VFX staying up all night

121. to do the pre-vis.

122. My friend.

123. Dave. Long time no see. How are ya?

124. Working 27-hour days for 17 weeks—

125. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we see the pre-vis, please?

126. Oh, sorry. That's a...

127. personal project.

128. The new ending.

129. Same as before.

130. But then...

131. What— What are they doing?

132. They're taking off their superhero suits

133. and talking in their shirts, like men.

134. A frank exchange of views.

135. They're resolving their differences and then...

136. they laugh.

137. But offbeat, because everything is mad.

138. The end.

139. I'm just doing what I'm told.

140. Yeah.

141. Let's just have a little seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

142. As your good friend, and... and close collaborator...

143. can I just ask firstly, is your hat stuck on your head?

144. Absolutely not. One million percent no.

145. Categorically and undeniably, no. No.

146. And I will not blow up the bridge.

147. Eric.

148. We have to blow up the bridge.

149. We— We just bought the permits,

150. and we've flown 300 people to Armenia.

151. Daniel.

152. We love movies, don't we?

153. And we must save them.

154. And this is how.

155. Are you in this with me?

156. Are we gonna turn this whole thing inside out,

157. save pop culture, Jesus of Düsseldorf? Yeah?

158. Oh, there it is. There's that smile that I love.

159. Yeah. All right, just...

160. gimme two secs.

161. Yep, he's gone cuckoo.

162. Can confirm hat firmly stuck on head.

163. Out.

164. - Eric, see you in a minute. - Yep.

165. Go. Go. Go, go, go.

166. Right. Eric's gone stress mad.

167. Like, full location-weirdness with a side order of hiccups,

168. and then like a... like a perma-hat.

169. He's refusing to blow the bridge.

170. No.

171. Eric cannot fuck around today.

172. Scorsese gave Shane a panic attack

173. and now Pat's losing his mind.

174. Demolition guy looks a bit like Pat.

175. Sorta Scooby-Doo, Scrappy-Doo.

176. Daniel, you have to get Eric back on set and shooting right now.

177. Yeah, okay. I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

178. It's like Pat got shrunk in the wash.

179. Travel-sized Pat.

180. Jaz. Jaz.

181. Roll on the empty set for 30 seconds

182. and then feed it into Eric's trailer on a loop.

183. And then get the cast wired.

184. We're gonna line up to blow the bridge.

185. Without Eric.

186. Operation Truman Show.

187. Makes total sense. If you've gone mad.

188. Dave, you continue working on the animation.

189. I'm going to sketch these peanuts.

190. Great. Huge help. I appreciate that.

191. Right. So we're fucking him?

192. No, Dag, we're protecting him, yeah?

193. Eric takes a vision nap and we do the humdrum.

194. We're the details.

195. The nitty gritty itty bitty titty committee.

196. - Exactly. - Right. But you get to do it?

197. You, Daniel, personally take over the movie?

198. No! No, no, no. Obviously, practically, yes,

199. but this—

200. We're protecting Eric and saving him from Pat.

201. Hey, no, look. I'm all for it, but while we're all getting

202. our grubby little hands down each other's pants—

203. Which isn't what— That's not happening.

204. If you're acting director,

205. I guess that makes me acting first AD.

206. - Evil. Nice. - Thank you.

207. Well played.

208. Don't let the power go to your head.

209. Earthlings, this is God speaking.

210. Only joking. It's Dag.

211. No, but things are gonna be changing around here, okay, guys?

212. Holy mackerel, that's a big child.

213. Is that part of his condition?

214. - He has long COVID. - He has long everything.

215. Welcome, sir.

216. Would you like some Maximum Studios coloring sheets?

217. Yeah.

218. I do have some pajamas,

219. but I— I don't think they're gonna fit him.

220. Needy woman alert. I'm just coming in for a hug.

221. Yeah, only joking. I am so fucking over it.

222. Right, yeah.

223. Yeah. Obviously, I am in love with you.

224. But, yeah, it's just stress love.

225. I'm just in stress love with you, yeah.

226. I love you.

227. Right.

228. I just thought, Steph, we were on the...

229. on the same page.

230. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah. No, cool. Yeah, no sweat, mate.

231. Yeah. You— You're a fucking dead man,

232. 'cause I've got a pair of lobster crackers

233. and they are coming for your nuts.

234. Bloody hell.

235. Oh, guys. Guys.

236. This is our local Dream-A-Dream man.

237. - Nice! - For context,

238. the man has a non-terminal autoimmune disease,

239. and his size is nothing to worry about.

240. Great. Hey, big fella, how are you?

241. Chenquieh.

242. Right?

243. - Should we sign his shirt? - Yeah.

244. Yeah, sign it in Sharpie or something.

245. Lucky boy. Two for the price of one.

246. Tell him he's a lucky boy. Tell him.

247. Slogo, DanTDM, MrBeast.

248. - What's he saying? Is he thrilled? - Here.

249. Yeah.

250. Peter, also, if you could please present the man

251. with this award for being the real hero of the day.

252. And a photo, please.

253. Hey!

254. Oh, this is great. "Tecto" on three.

255. - One, two, three. - Tecto!

256. - Yeah. - Nice!

257. Here you are. Thanks.

258. And maybe one with a big smile.

259. Yeah! Let's see those teeth.

260. Okay, everyone, listen up!

261. I don't have anything to say

262. but I am still very much enjoying using the god mic.

263. More to come. Will keep you posted.

264. Dan, now that I'm first AD,

265. I think I'm gonna go and shout at the lighting guys

266. 'cause they're fucking lazy cunts,

267. if that's cool?

268. Just make sure I've got their respect.

269. Eric's blocking doesn't really work.

270. Oh my God, you look so much like a director.

271. You want a photo?

272. No, Dag.

273. - Don't look. Don't look. - Okay, make it quick.

274. Yeah, yeah.

275. - Dan? - Yeah.

276. Question from our demolition team on the bridge.

277. Tick-tock on the bomb clock. Countdown to the countdown.

278. Why is he talking in riddles?

279. Is he— Is he from a nursery rhyme or...?

280. - I got this, Dan. First AD shit. - Okay.

281. But the rigging, you definitely want to blow the bridge?

282. On my cue, yeah? Me. Don't look at him.

283. We're blowing the bridge.

284. - Okay, but you're not— - You're talking over me, Artak.

285. Let's not be a man who does that, yeah?

286. Okay, lighting,

287. you slack-jawed bunch of lazy fucks.

288. Hey, Dan, is Eric gonna come down

289. - for this one? - He's— he's watching

290. from his trailer, mate, so...

291. Dan, what's going on here, man?

292. Because Eric hasn't been around much lately.

293. Is he withholding? Is he playing mind games?

294. Absentee dad, he thinks I'm gonna dance for him for his approval?

295. 'Cause honestly, I probably will. Yeah.

296. See, my dad, the last time I heard from him

297. was when he, you know,

298. left a two-star review on Letterboxd.

299. He said I was unconvincing as a son and as Buddy Holly.

300. - Man, that's brutal. - Yeah.

301. I mean, you could tell Eric, you know,

302. he was right about Flight Mode.

303. I broke it up and smashed all my guitars.

304. Oh, mate, you didn't have to do that.

305. - He's watching. He's always watching. - It doesn't matter.

306. Actually, he— he's just— I've—

307. - Yeah. - Is that him?

308. - Is it him? - He said he thinks you're amazing. Yeah.

309. And...

310. he loves you.

311. - Real— Yeah? - Yeah.

312. He said do it, but with energy.

313. With, like, you know, Adam energy.

314. - Yeah. - Yeah.

315. Yeah, biggest Adam energy. Yeah!

316. Just— Oh, but also don't forget that Eye's the guy

317. who wants to destroy the planet, yeah?

318. - Do— crush it. - Yeah.

319. - Got it. - All right.

320. Oh my God, now you're directing the actors.

321. Yeah, it's not black magic.

322. Faster, slower, happy, less happy.

323. The rest of it's just bullshitting the fuckheads.

324. "Bullshitting the fuckheads."

325. Okay, David Fincher.

326. Oh, Peter, Eric wants to adjust the blocking.

327. Oh, am I doing it wrong?

328. Maybe we should ask that massive child.

329. Didn't you hear? He's the real hero of the day.

330. Can I just show you what I— well, what Eric wants?

331. Yep.

332. Oi, fuck boy. You're on the wrong mark.

333. Lovely. Thank you, Steph.

334. Oh, it's a pleasure. Barnacle dick!

335. Yeah, it's gonna be great.

336. Just gotta tweak the blocking, but...

337. Look at you.

338. Directing a 150-million-dollar movie,

339. not breaking a sweat.

340. Hey. Whoa.

341. Look at that. Did it again. I killed the mood.

342. You know, it's kind of my superpower.

343. I can walk into any creative situation,

344. kill the mood like that.

345. The Mood Hoover.

346. Yeah, I'm deadening.

347. I have a naturally deadening energy, I always have.

348. Ever since kindergarten.

349. Where's Eric? I need some time alone with him.

350. Eric, he... is locked away in his trailer.

351. He's recutting the movie while directing it.

352. He's over absolutely everything.

353. Hey, why don't I set you up in the producer's tent,

354. a little plate of smoky sausage, hang out with the demo guy?

355. Yeah, he's me at 70 percent scale.

356. It's like playing with my own action figure.

357. Do you— Talk me through your director's shot.

358. Well, it's a tracking shot behind Adam...

359. which then goes wide.

360. You see the bridge full-frame, and boom.

361. We blow it up. I mean, Eric blows it up.

362. That's good. You give good Eric.

363. I like the way you say in words

364. instead of, you know, all of this fucking shit. Right?

365. All right, you know what? I have to call Shane.

366. Maybe I tell him we fire Eric. You shoot it instead, huh?

367. All right.

368. All right, you know what? Forget about Eric.

369. I have to head to the airport. You two break a bridge, huh?

370. Artak, me, you, WrestleMania?

371. I'm serious!

372. What was that?

373. Maybe Pat was flirting with you.

374. Dan, big problem.

375. I found something and I wish I hadn't.

376. Whiskered bat, protected species.

377. Okay. Have you told anybody?

378. 'Cause then the sustainability woman

379. will shut us down and you won't get to direct the movie?

380. That's irrelevant, Dag. Yeah?

381. This is about doing the right thing.

382. It's twitching.

383. Okay, how about I just pick it up.

384. And then we'll see if it's ready to fly, yeah?

385. Okay, come on then, buddy.

386. That's a shame.

387. It— It just wasn't meant to be.

388. Holy shit, now we're drowning things.

389. Okay, Dag, she would have shut us down.

390. Yeah? It would have killed the movie.

391. Maybe all movies, actually.

392. And as first AD, can I just ask, does this feel right?

393. 'Cause whatever happened to, "Ours is not to reason why"?

394. Okay, yes.

395. I get it. Okay? I do. I wanna direct.

396. I've got everything riding on this, Dag.

397. Dan, the bat's caught on a branch.

398. It's visible from the shoreline. It seems like it's crying.

399. I guess this is what it sounds like when bats cry.

400. Okay, let's just— just throw rocks at it. Obviously.

401. Big ones. Big ones.

402. Yeah, Jaz, throw big rocks at the drowning bat.

403. Okay, Dag, can you help, please?

404. I know it doesn't feel like we're fighting the good fight,

405. but we are.

406. Forward cinema.

407. Yeah, this is fine. This is good.

408. Keep going.

409. We've gone full metal batshit.

410. Nicked a wing.

411. Hey, Dan, can I get two minutes now, please?

412. Now, please. Let's go.

413. So, I've been— I've been thinking.

414. I— I don't know. May— Maybe Pat's into you,

415. and maybe this just works?

416. Like, what if we put Eric in a box for the rest of the shooting,

417. and make this movie together?

418. You know, call the shots.

419. Yeah, Anita, sorry—

420. Maybe we're a power couple, Dan.

421. I don't know.

422. Maybe I'm not thinking 100 percent clearly,

423. but I don't know, maybe we just say...

424. fuck it.

425. I should go see a medic though.

426. Oh, this one?

427. You hurt your little hand, big time director?

428. - Okay. - Is that better?

429. - Is that better? - Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

430. Is that better?

431. Okay. No, 'cause...

432. No, no, no. I'm just kidding.

433. Unless maybe I'm not.

434. I just picked up a dead bat with the hand that you just put in your mouth.

435. What?

436. You... you put...

437. fucking rabies in my mouth?

438. No, let's not jump to conclusions.

439. What the fuck, Dan?

440. Yeah, I— I had my sleeve over— over my hand.

441. The bat looked pretty clean.

442. I need a fucking rabies shot, Dan,

443. and a fucking tongue scraper!

444. I'm sorry.

445. Wh— I'll— I'll call the medic, yeah?

446. We'll get inoculated, and then— and then we can

447. just pick up where we left off. Yeah?

448. Oh, fuck you! Get out, Dan! Get out, get out, get out!

449. Jaz.

450. Eric's leaving his trailer. A walk, a long think and a walk.

451. No, he can't do that, because he'll see the set.

452. - Okay. - Go, he'll see the set.

453. We can't...

454. - Get me some sanitizer! - Call the medic!

455. Hello?

456. How's that new ending?

457. Can I just say, the vibes in here are palpable.

458. Yeah, palpable, palpable vibes.

459. We're going for a walk.

460. Dave needs some vitamin D.

461. There's only so many yogurt shots I can give him, apparently.

462. Oh, hang on, though.

463. What's that?

464. Classic Armenian downpour.

465. Coats off.

466. I'm going to redefine the genre, even if it kills us, right, Dave?

467. Yeah, sounds amazing. Good luck.

468. Oh, man, I wouldn't go out in that.

469. No way! Not if my life or career depended on it.

470. Hoods up.

471. Right, forecast is apocalyptic rain

472. for the next two hours.

473. And we line up for the bridge explosion.

474. Lighting are a bit pissed off with me, but sure.

475. Nice. Could we get the big boy to smile?

476. Nice, that was nearly better.

477. The boy is tired. He can sit?

478. Cast chairs?

479. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

480. You know he's the reason our coffees were cold this afternoon?

481. Oh my God!

482. He's sitting in my fucking chair.

483. Oh my God, he is!

484. It's probably just, like, the tired thing.

485. You know, his "condition" or something.

486. We're all tired, Adam.

487. We're in the makeup chair at 7:00.

488. Oh, that's it, mother.

489. In she goes.

490. Un-fucking-believable.

491. The death of the movie star, Adam. I'm serious.

492. The moment that lady's cheeks made contact

493. with the canvas, a way of life ended.

494. Hold on to your hats. It's the Wild Fucking West now.

495. Hey, Dan! Eric watching?

496. Yeah, mate, he's— he's loving the Adam energy.

497. Okay, can you just show me A and B positions, please?

498. - For Eric, so he can see them. - Dan, they found two more bats.

499. Sustainability woman is inspecting them now.

500. It could shut us down.

501. - Dan. - Stop!

502. Oh, shit, she's coming over.

503. Okay, calmly but very quickly line up to shoot.

504. Tell the demo guy on Dag's cue, blow the bridge.

505. One shot at this.

506. This stunt already cost me a rabies shot, Dan.

507. Make it worth it.

508. Bats! Stop! Stop!

509. Okay, ready to trigger, Dag?

510. Dan, I have this.

511. Say, "Bye-bye, bridge."

512. And... action!

513. Eye!

514. - Please don't do this! - Lava men! Attack!

515. God, you're hot!

516. Eye!

517. Please! Wait! Wait! Can we talk about this?

518. - Cue it on five... - Four.

519. - Three, two... - Eye for an eye,

520. - and now you die! - ... one!

521. Oh fuck.

522. No. No, wrong one.

523. - Oh, no. - No.

524. Dan?

525. This one. Camera team, this one.

526. - That one! - Film this one!

527. This one!

528. Turn the fucking camera around!

529. What have you done? What have I done?

530. What have you made me done?

531. Oh, shit.

532. They blew up the wrong bridge.

533. Let's reset the bridge and go again.

534. How?

535. Oh, fuck. No, the—

536. the sustainability woman, she was on the bridge.

537. Holy shit.

538. We've blown up a sustainability woman.

539. We killed a woman.

540. Oh no. No, she's there.

541. - Hi! - Hi!

542. You're alive!

543. But she doesn't look very happy.

544. Bats.

545. Loads of bats. They're thriving.

546. I think maybe they're disorientated

547. - by the explosions. - Dan, should we...?

548. - Shit. Run. Run. - We—

549. This is Dag. We're being attacked by bats.

550. God, I think I just destroyed a heritage site.

551. No one can know we did this. Not Pat, not Shane.

552. If Marty Scorsese gets fucking wind of this...

553. Okay, look, as far as I can tell, there was some confusion.

554. Oh, yeah, you think?

555. The explosives guy saw our cameras were pointing

556. at the wrong bridge and he tried to tell Dag, but...

557. Okay, we're gonna pay everyone off.

558. We're gonna erase the DIT drives and get the fuck out of here.

559. So long. Thanks for all the tax credits.

560. It was from the time of Charlemagne. The bridge.

561. Okay, Dag, look, Anita's right. Yeah?

562. We're going to protect our reputations at all costs.

563. It says it's on their money.

564. Jesus.

565. Sorry. So sorry about the bridge.

566. It's actually on the back of the yellow ones

567. if you ever wanted to see it again or show your children.

568. You're welcome.

569. Thanks, Tamaz.

570. Back-up drives from the DIT truck.

571. Erase them. Burn them. Chuck them in the river.

572. - Okay. - And make sure they sink.

573. - Eric! - God, what a storm!

574. - The thunderclaps. - Hammered it down, didn't it?

575. I mean, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

576. I had a sleep and an idea. Maybe fuck Scorsese.

577. Maybe my old ending was great,

578. and we just blow the fucking bridge?

579. Yeah, we've run out of time. But how about this?

580. We blow up the bridge in VFX. Dave, got a job for you!

581. - You are fucking joking. - No, I'm not.

582. - Daniel? - Yeah.

583. The man-boy filmed the bridge explosion with his phone.

584. If you could blow up anything,

585. what would it be?

586. United Nations building in New York.

587. What's it like working in VFX?

588. It's hell. Cruel and unforgiving grind.

589. I cried on my drive home last night,

590. and this morning, I cried on my drive back in.

591. Are you very safety conscious?

592. Yes, safety's the name of the game.

593. Safety and extreme volatility are the names of the game.

594. What do you like about your job?

595. I have a stress hump,

596. and there are holes in my beard where the hair won't grow.

597. Sorry, what was the question?

598. How did you get into the industry?

599. Well, my father is a very famous explosion expert.

600. He blew many things, including his marriage,

601. and eventually a caravan that he was sleeping in.

602. I'm so sorry to hear that.

603. It went really big.

604. The fire went for three days.

605. It was really, really, really bad.

606. What drives you?

607. On several occasions, an ambulance.

608. Like, when I fell asleep on my radiator.

609. I woke up with griddle marks across my face. Like bacon.

610. All the other VFX supervisors called me Bacon Face.

611. They covered my desk with bacon.

612. It was bullying.