The Franchise 1x4

1. Here it comes.

2. Cameo day.

3. Many Man is dropping in to sprinkle us with his fuckdust.

4. Big yummy lines of fuckdust.

5. This cameo is our lifeline, Dag.

6. The main artery into the heart of the franchise,

7. and we need to suck it dry.

8. Yeah! Suck that artery, bitches.

9. Maestro? Oats to go. Giddy up.

10. Daniel, chill out.

11. We could do this scene backwards and in heels.

12. Eye, Tecto, enter Many Man.

13. A fight, but then a conversation.

14. - But then a fight. - Yes.

15. Hey, guys.

16. Looking forward to working with a genuine A-lister today.

17. Yeah, I... Maybe I'll learn something.

18. - Yeah. - Adam?

19. Sorry, I think your brain might be leaking from your nose.

20. Oh, no, it's... it's French Blue.

21. It's just eye drops, you know, to make them baby blues

22. pop on... on screen.

23. They have competition today, so, yeah.

24. It's true. Many Man.

25. Very fuckable eyes.

26. Adam, we're gonna get you cleaned up, okay?

27. Yeah! Yeah, yeah.

28. Daniel, why is there antifreeze leaking out of Adam's nose?

29. Adam's nose is fully under our control, Anita.

30. - We have this. - Yeah, hope so.

31. 'Cause in a way, it's the only scene in the film that matters, isn't it?

32. A more famous hero from a bigger movie

33. turns up for three minutes and then leaves.

34. - Well, no— - Absolutely, a hundred percent.

35. So incredibly cynical, which I love.

36. Let's finish hooding the Many Man clones, we're seconds away.

37. Many Man incoming.

38. - Oh, God. - It's like meeting the Pope.

39. If the Pope were cut and could self-replicate,

40. which he cannot.

41. Hey, everybody, so... Who's ready to get gurgly?

42. Guys? That ain't Many Man.

43. Daniel, who the fuck is this? Please?

44. Anita, where the fuck is Many Man?

45. I don't know, Dan, and that is why my eyeballs

46. - are sliding from my skull. - I have real-time Pat.

47. "Emergency reshoots. Many Man is needed elsewhere."

48. Pat would like us to make use of the Gurgler instead.

49. - God, no. - Pardon my ignorance.

50. - The Gurgler? - The worst Centurio in the team.

51. Even worse than the one who just flicks bottle caps really hard.

52. - That's just plain rude. - Excuse me, but he gurgles?

53. Yeah, it's his power. He hawks up toxic mucus.

54. - Throat-based proton blobs. - God, these stories are so rich.

55. I rearranged everything, my entire life,

56. for the fucking Gurgler, Anita. What is happening?

57. - Can we internalize our panic? - Internalizing panic, please, folks.

58. Look, he's here now and he's the talent,

59. so let's pre-vis our happy faces

60. and go tell the man we hate how much we love him.

61. Kyle. Hi, hi. Anita, producer.

62. I just wanted to say we are just delighted to hear

63. that you're going to be cameo-ing for us.

64. I mean, it's almost like Christmas came early, right?

65. Like Christmas came gurgly.

66. Relax, relax. I know that you guys were expecting Many Man

67. and then I show up, creepy little gurgle pervert.

68. Everyone hates the Gurgler. It's totally cool.

69. - I don't give a shit. - Oh, no.

70. There's a lot of love for the Gurgler. Shane loves your work. We really does.

71. Oh, this is the team.

72. Lawyer, manager, assistant, and...

73. This is my dad, Steve.

74. - Such a pleasure meeting you. - Likewise.

75. I'm fucking with you. This is my agent. I have no idea what his name is.

76. - Kyle? What are you doing here? - Hey!

77. Adam. I'm your cameo.

78. - What's up, bro? - Yeah. Wow.

79. Oh, you know each other? Great.

80. Yeah, we... we were on a show together. A sitcom.

81. - Brad and Butter. - Brad and Butter.

82. Oh, God. Early 2000s, about the two brothers.

83. - The hot one and— - The fat one, yeah.

84. - I used to be fucking huge. - No.

85. Lost the weight the old-fashioned way.

86. Anyway, Brad and Butter. Brad the hot one, Butter the fat one.

87. Butter would eat so much food every episode

88. that he would shit his pants.

89. That was one episode. It was... it was a Halloween special

90. and it— Uncle Frank's chili.

91. - The whole thing. - Yeah. Whatever.

92. I don't even fucking remember. It doesn't matter.

93. It was a great show, and we were brothers.

94. Yeah, we were.

95. Are you still playing golf with your mom?

96. Sometimes, yeah.

97. That's so nice.

98. Yeah, she still give you a couple strokes beforehand?

99. Sorry, who's this?

100. Adam was just ranking all the races in order of sexual attractiveness.

101. - No, I wasn't, though, but... - You have excellent energy.

102. - Peter Fairchild. - Nice to meet you.

103. - Genuine fan. - Charmed.

104. Okay, you guys got it from here. See you later.

105. Bryson, quickly.

106. Okay, shall we stagger through what we have?

107. - Yes? - Little throat clearer.

108. - Fuck me. - Trademark gurgle.

109. Okay, this is Tom and Benji.

110. Our new gag writers.

111. Punch up. Little bit of zip, little bit of sparkle.

112. Jaz, can I have the Reality Crystal, please?

113. Wow.

114. - Wow. - Oh, wow.

115. Adam's cosmic butt plug.

116. Can he stay forever? I'm serious. I'm at LOL. Borderline ROFL.

117. This is so beautiful.

118. - It almost looks real. - It is real.

119. It's an actual real crystal.

120. - Mined from a mine by miners. - Miners, not minors. We hope.

121. No CGI.

122. This is reality.

123. It's the realest thing in my movie.

124. Maybe in any movie.

125. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's beautiful, Eric.

126. Should we say grace? Nose clips on.

127. Let's eat shit.

128. - Amen. - Amen.

129. Thanks, Peter. And...

130. action.

131. A crystal blacker than a million black holes.

132. The Reality Crystal.

133. We are but ants to the infinite power of restorcium.

134. Resourcium. Without the "T." Made of resourcium.

135. - That's what I said, restorcium. - Resourcium.

136. - No, that... that's not right. - It's a made-up word, Peter.

137. I made it up.

138. Yes, but you're mispronouncing it.

139. Not to split hairs, but Shane does have his own pronunciation.

140. - Of my fucking word? - Correct. It's resour-see-um.

141. - Resourcium. - Resour-see-um.

142. - Resourcium. - Re-sore-cium.

143. - There's no T, Peter. - Resourcium.

144. Rizz or semen?

145. See, you're all saying it slightly differently.

146. - I'm gonna jump off a house. - Okay, fuck it. Let's just riff one.

147. What do you mean, riff?

148. B.F.O.G.T., Big Fight Over Glowy Thing.

149. I've shot this scene three times in two years.

150. - I grab the crystal from turtledick. - Please don't call me turtledick.

151. Blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit.

152. - I hope you're writing this down. - Yes, then, bam!

153. Fighty, fighty, grabby, grabby.

154. - Whoop! Yoinks! - Careful. It's a very rare crystal.

155. This? This onyx ballsack?

156. It's very rare and it's my subtext. And I'd like it back.

157. Yeah, go on, Kyle. Give Eric his subtext back.

158. Okay, I'm sorry. Here's your subtext.

159. - Kyle... - And then there's this. Do you mind?

160. Please don't sabotage my film.

161. All right, I'll go put the crystal back.

162. Relax, okay?

163. Thank you.

164. Eric, shall we take five?

165. - All right. Hey, Adam. - What?

166. Did you see they made some anime of our two characters?

167. - What? - Yeah.

168. - That's cool. - It's them fucking.

169. - Okay, that's not cool, actually. - And on go the spectacles.

170. - Yeah. You wanna see it? - That's dumb and it doesn't look like me.

171. - Come on, turtledick. - And don't call me turtledick.

172. Stay.

173. Oh, that is great. Oh, that is so depraved.

174. The Gurgler.

175. That is the worst surprise cameo

176. since my neighbor fell through my garden fence.

177. Eric, mate, this is your movie. You need to push back.

178. I feel like every time I find a hill to die on,

179. I end up dying on it and then I'm just dead on a hill.

180. And I cannot keep recovering his body from that hill, Daniel.

181. - Eric, question on the mollusk. - Hello again.

182. Mollusk. Finger bowls at the ready, girls.

183. For the new body mold, we will need to shave him.

184. Yeah, obviously.

185. Tip-to-toe wet shave, pin him to a stand gurney,

186. plaster of Paris for four hours. Drinking straws up his nose for breathing.

187. However, getting married on Saturday.

188. Would prefer hair for his wedding.

189. - Firstly, congratulations. - Thank you.

190. I'm thrilled. Her name's Jules.

191. Jules.

192. Can we hold off shaving him till Monday?

193. The schedule's already in danger of capsizing.

194. It would really help us if we could get shaving today.

195. Agreed. Let's see how Jules likes him bald.

196. Okay.

197. Monday's fine.

198. - Postpone the shaving. - Thank you, thank you.

199. Hairy. Hairy on my wedding day.

200. - Congratulations. - What? It's his fucking wedding.

201. How about we preserve some humanity for the shellfish man?

202. I want my set to run on positive vibes.

203. No, you're right. It's nice to be nice.

204. So, Props are freaking the fuck out. They can't find the Reality Crystal.

205. What do you mean?

206. We think the cameo man might have taken it.

207. Or maybe it was Iran.

208. Sorry, unhelpful joke.

209. Daniel, have the Centurios stolen my Reality Crystal?

210. On it as always.

211. They stole my fucking prop.

212. And they're supposed to be the good guys?

213. What a bunch of cunts.

214. Poor turtledick.

215. Half-melted fuckdoll.

216. Has his mother wrote his birthday card?

217. Come in!

218. - Hi, you asked to see me? - Hey, Steph. Close the door.

219. Close the door, please. How do you feel about...

220. pulling some lines for me? You know, from old drafts?

221. - Lines? - Yeah, like comebacks.

222. Quips. Quip backs, you know, just some razzes.

223. Kyle likes to... a riff, so...

224. Improvisation. Improv.

225. - It's bullshit. - So he was doing this bit on me earlier.

226. I ordered my lunch,

227. and like, he replaced my chicken salad with batteries

228. from the walkie-talkie. So when my lunch came, he was like,

229. "Oh, if you wanted chicken, why did you order the batteries?"

230. And I said, that is uncalled for and I didn't like it.

231. And then he just kept going with the bit and it was like non-consensual.

232. It was like... it was like non-consensual improv.

233. And everyone was laughing.

234. Oh, sweetie.

235. And then he said the safe word was, "yes, and."

236. I said it and I know it's a bit, but he just kept going, so...

237. What is that guy's prob? Lem? Problem.

238. - What— - Can you help me?

239. Be my... cornerman?

240. Get me ready for improv?

241. Adam, I would be honored... honored to be your cornerperson.

242. - Yes? - Yeah.

243. And I'm gonna fill your head so full of jokes,

244. they're gonna call you the...

245. You know.

246. You jo— joky...

247. They'll call me the...

248. You know, joke man.

249. Jumping Jack Joker. The J— No.

250. No, I— It's harder than it looks. I'm gonna...

251. Okay. Anyway, I'm on it. I'm on it like...

252. you know, like a— Okay, bye.

253. Welcome to Centurios 2. Put these on, please.

254. Do you think they make Werner Herzog wear these shoe covers?

255. Yes. Actually, yes. I think they do.

256. Look, just tell them we wanna trade in our cameo

257. for someone else. Anyone else. Blue Anchovy, Hailstone, Mr. Pencil.

258. Navigate a complex piece of studio diplomacy

259. with shower caps on my feet, got it.

260. Tentpole set. Get your geek on.

261. Wow.

262. Oh, my God. It's so massive and golden.

263. - It's like a Saudi Arabian car dealership. - Four Technocranes?

264. It's like Jurassic Park, but for Technocranes.

265. One day all of this will be mine.

266. - Sorry, what was that? - Nothing.

267. There they are!

268. Team Tecto, the real heroes!

269. Shoe covers.

270. Forget those, huh? Give your feet a treat.

271. By order of the Fun Stick.

272. - Fun Stick? - Yeah, Uncle Pat's Fun Stick.

273. Part of our vibe. One big sandbox of creativity and joy.

274. That was very fun.

275. Yeah. Come on, who wants to take a swing at me?

276. - Huh? Anita? Eric? Come on. - I will.

277. - Thank you, I really enjoyed that. - I'm sorry, what's your name again?

278. Dagmara Nwaeze, N-W-A-E-Z-E. We've actually met before, several times.

279. - Well, I'm gonna remember you now. - Great.

280. Pat, two things.

281. First up, can you connect Eric with your director?

282. Who, Xan? Xan the Man? Nah, Xan's in his tower, in the tone zone.

283. Xan has a tower?

284. Xan is directing our tentpole, he gets whatever he wants.

285. Well, at the risk of sounding like Eric's mom,

286. there is a prop

287. that went missing from our set and he would like it back.

288. - Isn't that right, Eric? - That is correct, Anita, yes.

289. I heard about this. A joke, I think, between productions.

290. - Hey, toss me that paperweight. - Hey, be careful. That's a rare mineral.

291. - It's genuinely Ugandan. - Now, listen, we're one big family here,

292. so anything we can do to help, anything at all.

293. - Could you give me another Technocrane? - I don't think so. Mango cup?

294. Pat, can I have a sec?

295. Yeah.

296. Are you fucking me?

297. - The Gurgler? The fucking Gurgler? - I know.

298. It was either him or the one who flicks bottle caps really hard.

299. I feel like my movie, the movie that you talked me into taking,

300. is becoming a refugee camp for displaced IP.

301. All right, listen.

302. Xan the Man is an obnoxious, spiky-haired asshole

303. and this movie is totally fucking over budget.

304. Centurios is?

305. Yeah, why do you think I'm out here with the Fun Stick?

306. I'm a clown in the kiddie ward, Anita,

307. keeping morale up while the blood tests roll in.

308. Yeah, well, Tecto isn't exactly Bergman either, huh?

309. Bergman?

310. Which one's Bergman? The iceberg guy?

311. I need a cameo, Pat. I need him bankable and fuckable.

312. I'm sorry, I can't do it, all right?

313. I know it's a heavy load, but if you could swallow that load for me,

314. I'd take it as a huge personal favor.

315. Already swallowing.

316. Sorry, what is this?

317. Oh, I showed Xan your little crystal and he liked it.

318. So he copied it, and made it bigger and better,

319. - and he's putting it in his movie. - His movie?

320. The one that's being released

321. - immediately before mine? - Exactly.

322. Fun Stick. Knock yourself out.

323. - Okay, Xan, the floor is yours. - Lining up, everybody. And let's fuck!

324. Good bit of mango, to be fair.

325. I fought for us as hard as I could,

326. but sometimes in movies, as in life, you've just got to suck shit.

327. Yeah, no, totally. Thanks for trying.

328. Eric, here's the facts. Anita's not on our side,

329. the studio's organ-farming us, and pretty soon, all you're going to be

330. is an appendix in a bucket. Is that what you want?

331. I don't want to be anything in a bucket, no.

332. - Then stand up. Be a difficult man. - Oh, he can be difficult.

333. Believe. You know that time when we ordered that takeaway,

334. and you assumed rice was included.

335. - Should have been more clear. - So be more difficult. Locate your temper.

336. Because good vibes don't make good movies, Eric.

337. If it was me, I'd tell our art department, blow Centurios 2

338. out of the water, whatever it takes.

339. Make them work all night if necessary, okay?

340. Yes. Brief the art department. I want a new crystal.

341. But even bigger. And sparklier.

342. "If you win, you need not have to explain."

343. Exactly. Who said that? It's a good t-shirt.

344. Hitler. It was Hitler. Fun fact, also a very difficult man.

345. Hey.

346. Hey, can you put this in the car? I'll meet you there.

347. - Yeah. - Car? Thanks. Thanks.

348. Yeah, so I have culled all the jokes.

349. - Yes, okay, ready. - Yeah, harvested some jokium.

350. - Great. - You ready?

351. - Yeah. Joke me out. - Yeah, okay...

352. "Locking me in chains? What happened to dinner and a movie?"

353. It's great, great, that's smart, that's smart, yeah.

354. - "Well, that went well." - "That went well..."

355. - "That went well." - It's usually said immediately

356. - after something went badly. - Oh, irony! Yes, okay, that's smart.

357. - "Nailed it." Again, ironic. - The tone is so smart.

358. Yeah, here's a club banger.

359. "Proton phlegm is such a good superpower...

360. said no one ever."

361. - Yeah! You're— That's so funny! - Yeah.

362. - I mean, it works for everything. - Yeah, said no one ever.

363. - Well, not that, though. - Okay, here's one of mine.

364. "Cat caught your tongue, or is it in your throat?"

365. - More of like a riddle. - Yeah, no, it's cool.

366. I'll probably use that in my YA novel, actually.

367. - Cool, great. - So...

368. Hey. Thank you so much.

369. - Sleep well, okay? - Yeah, said no one ever.

370. - What? - Yeah, and again, that didn't work.

371. - Ignore me, okay. Bye! - Good night.

372. More lacquer.

373. More lacquer.

374. Morning, guys. How are you getting on with the Reality Crystal?

375. What do you fucking think?

376. What do you fucking think?

377. Thank you for your service.

378. - Status update from art department? - They're coughing up black from the fumes.

379. Kind of like an origin story, but for lung damage.

380. It's quite a powerfully horrible vibe in there.

381. Okay, don't need all the details, Dag.

382. Eric, still no prop, so we're going to have to start

383. - with close coverage. Okay? - Fine.

384. Do the scene. So you just take a deep breath...

385. - Ready for shoot, please! - Yeah?

386. Just go get him, champ. Okay? Said someone ever.

387. - That was kinda hard. - Okay. Okay.

388. Yeah? Nailed it.

389. - Oh, hello, turtledick. - Oh, hello, Peter, how are you?

390. Okay, hey, are you guys cool if we just riff one?

391. - Improvise a little bit? - Oh, yeah.

392. - Get one out of our system? - Damn straight.

393. Eric, can we just do one loose?

394. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Let's go, Eric, come on. Let's do it.

395. - Okay, Daniel. - All right, let's turnover.

396. - Alpha mark. - Marking.

397. Take mark.

398. And...

399. Let's fuck!

400. What?

401. Apologies, I just tried something new. And action.

402. A crystal blacker than a million black holes.

403. The Reality Crystal.

404. We are but ants to the infinite power of restorcium.

405. Just hand over the crystal, Tecto,

406. - and we can all be friends. - No. No.

407. No.

408. Also, your helmet looks like one of those things

409. babies wear to reshape their heads.

410. Said no one ever.

411. Sorry, what?

412. Said no one ever.

413. No, I heard you.

414. - It just doesn't make any sense. - What?

415. What is happening?

416. Improv. It's okay, Adam can handle it.

417. Don't worry, we'll— I'll get it back.

418. - Oh, hey, Gurgler. - Yeah?

419. How about you put your head in a nugget bowl?

420. - The fuck is a nugget bowl? - I mean, go cry to your mom. She—

421. Sweaty bitch never paid taxes in her life.

422. - My mom passed away last year. - That's— Said no one ever!

423. Dude, it's not making any sense.

424. - You know, okay. - Said no one ever.

425. - Now, about that Reality Stone. - Said no one ever!

426. - I heard you, man. - Irony. Nailed it!

427. - Hey, you want to do this, turtledick? - Oh, turtledick, that's it.

428. Oh, yeah! Dinner and a movie,

429. - said no one ever! - Is that what you wanna do?

430. - Oh, let's go! Send it! - Okay, cut.

431. No, no, no, no.

432. - Popcorn at the ready. - No, no, we're good!

433. - Let's keep going! Okay? - Yeah, number one wants

434. - to keep rolling. - Yeah!

435. - Let's go. Gloves off. - You wanna go?

436. - Right now. Let's go. - All right.

437. - Yeah, let's go! - Yeah. You ready?

438. Said no one ever!

439. You know what they call you, Tecto, the other Centurios?

440. - Yeah, they call me, "The Man." - No.

441. - No. No. - No?

442. They call you "Nothing Boy."

443. - No they— - "Mr. Five Percent."

444. Because you are so nearly the guy,

445. but you're just missing, like, five percent.

446. You spend your weekends with your mom. You go on vacation with your agents.

447. You're a limp dick Dorito with no soul, you desperate man.

448. You're fucking sweaty.

449. And you stink out every single room that you walk into.

450. But hey, you're a real A-lister.

451. Said no one ever.

452. What a piece of shit.

453. - I think we should cut. - Well, I think we got it.

454. Video have playback if you want to—

455. I don't wish to rewatch the take. Thank you, Daniel.

456. Eric, we have your new energy crystal, fresh from the art department.

457. And it doesn't sparkle, no?

458. Apparently Centurios 2 used up all the metallic paint in Europe.

459. And this is what I get for my movie? The unsparkly energy source?

460. Eric, do not let them win, okay?

461. The studio is laughing at you, and they are laughing at all of us.

462. I'm so sorry, Eric,

463. but apparently Centurios 2 has taken our swordfish.

464. And catering just wants to know if you'd be all right with cod instead?

465. Would you excuse me for a second, please?

466. Resourcium. The god molecule.

467. Enough energy in a single fingernail to fuel the next three millennia

468. as time and space—

469. Holy freakin' shit crap!

470. Fuck your mango cups!

471. The fuck is wrong with you?

472. - Someone needs to check on Adam. - I broke it. I'll fix it.

473. Daniel, Eric just nine-elevened himself in a golf cart.

474. Yeah, no, I'm gonna need a little more—

475. Daniel, what's up? I want to shoot.

476. Yeah, we can't. No Adam.

477. - Then pull something up. - It's all Mollusk Man.

478. - He's not camera ready till Monday. - Then shave him.

479. Shave him right now and bring him to me.

480. Yes, Daniel. Shave him and bring him to us.

481. Let's fuck!

482. Yeah, you heard the man. Let's fuck.

483. Come back later.

484. Kyle, please, please. Just, I... I can't.

485. I come in peace.

486. - I'm sorry. - No, please just stop.

487. - I'm sorry. - Stop. Stop.

488. - What was that? - You want to know?

489. Yeah.

490. Last season of Brad and Butter, you leave the show,

491. go off and make movies. I get left behind.

492. I'm shaving six times a day to pass for 14.

493. - I start hiding vodka in my sippy cups. - No.

494. I need a boogeyman, man, and you fit the bill, and I'm...

495. I'm really sorry.

496. I— I didn't know.

497. We're still Brad and Butter. Right?

498. I miss you, man. How about one of these?

499. Yeah, we're cool. Yeah.

500. Now where was that chemistry on set, huh?

501. Relax! It's a joke! I am in love with you, though.

502. I'm kidding.

503. All right, I'll see you on set.

504. Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein. You just created a difficult man.

505. Apparently, Eric just rammed into our tentpole with a golf cart?

506. Yeah, well, fuck around, find out. You can only push the underdog so far.

507. They are pulling our cameo.

508. Bullshit. They can't.

509. They're schedule-fucking us. No cameo, no fuckdust.

510. Oh, God, we're being disenfranchised.

511. Cut the connection with the main franchise,

512. and one day we drift off and get mothballed.

513. Do not interfere in studio politics, Dan. That is my job.

514. Yeah, well, you know, maybe if you were better at it.

515. Excuse me, what did you say?

516. You're not protecting us, Anita, okay? You're scared of Pat.

517. I am trying to make this movie.

518. This middling fucking plank of a movie.

519. Right, because you think you're too good for it?

520. Yes, I do. Because I am.

521. Because we all are, Dan. It is a movie about a guy

522. who can make earthquakes happen with a fucking glove.

523. Always looking down your nose.

524. Anita! Uncle Pat is not fucking happy!

525. My word. It is all kicking off.

526. Well, we poked the bear, and now it's going to poke us back.

527. Nice work, Dan.

528. Yup, fully shaved. Head and eyebrows, but featured extra. So...

529. Don't cry. Don't cry.

530. He's a professional wedding photographer. He'll figure something out, you know?

531. A beanie hat, and I'll paint some eyebrows on.

532. Jules?

533. Yeah.

534. We all have codpieces. You can sort of see mine here.

535. Mine's basically natural.

536. Adam's is stuffed to the gills.

537. You guys gotta see in wardrobe before we start shooting.

538. They fill it with literal cod. And that's why he smells of fish.

539. - How is it working with Kyle again? - Did you talk to him?

540. Oh, yeah, yeah. We already interviewed him.

541. Yeah. I mean, he has such a wild imagination.

542. I mean, wild.

543. I'm joking. We love you, Adam. I love you. I'm in love with you.

544. I'm... I'm joking. I'm not in love with you.

545. But, like, I love you like a brother. Like how a brother might love his wife.

546. Now, would you like to hear

547. about my time when I stayed at the Chateau Marmont

548. - between '95 and '97? - Yeah.

549. I played a lot of golf off that top balcony with Nick Nolte.

550. - Yeah. - He's got that huge head.

551. You know those guys who have those huge heads?

552. Yes, he does. Like Elizabeth Taylor.

553. Elizabeth— Did you ever meet Elizabeth Taylor?

554. - I did. - I used to jerk off to Elizabeth Taylor.

555. - Did you? - Yeah.

556. Yeah. The Internet was down for a whole weekend one time.

557. So, I had a— I just had this,

558. like a DVD box of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

559. And I just went to town. And that's what got me into film.