The Eric Andre Show 3x3

Directed by

Killer Mike as Self • Huynh Quang as Jay-Z • Beverly Swanson as Beyoncé Knowles • Ryan Kwanten as Self • Action Bronson as Self

Eric and the band turn the monologue into a nu metal song.

Request examples:

!req The Eric Andre Show 3x3 [02:32]
!req The Eric Andre Show 3x3 [The Eric Andre Show 3x3]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Eric Andre Show 3x3 [10-11]; !req The Eric Andre Show 3x3 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Ladies and gentlemen, it's

2. "the Eric Andre show"!

3. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

4. Aah! Ohh!

5. Check this out.

6. Yo!

7. Let me ask you people somethin'.

8. You ever bone your grandma to

9. death?

10. Talk about going out with a

11. bang, people!

12. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

13. What?

14. Hey, Hannibal!

15. This ain't your mama's

16. monologue!

17. Hey, you ever take a piss at the

18. zoo, and the hippo walks into

19. the bathroom, and you're like,

20. "get out of here, you fat

21. bitch"?

22. Seriously, dude, what the

23. Are you talking about,

24. man?

25. Oh, I'm sayin' it!

26. Hey, "hunger games," I'm still

27. full!

28. Hannibal?

29. It's pizza safety time!

30. H-e-e-ey!

31. Mi scusi, paisano?

32. I'm Mr. burrito, the human

33. pizza?

34. We spoke earlier.

35. I'm from the pizza society, and

36. I'm here to talk to you about

37. pizza safety.

38. First thing's first.

39. Since i started this speech,

40. 17 people have died from pizza.

41. Pizza safety...

42. Aah!

43. And that's pizza safety!

44. You've seen this next guy on

45. "true blood."

46. Please welcome Ryan kwanten!

47. Now...

48. "True blood"... i want to talk

49. about "true blood."

50. You play a dog, right?

51. I play a dog?

52. Yeah.

53. Of sorts.

54. What is your...

55. What is your character on

56. "true blood"?

57. What up... what up with him?

58. Yeah...

59. do you... do you, um...

60. This thing is out of control.

61. That's quite the talent you

62. got there.

63. Is your last name Swahili?

64. Uh... Very good guess.

65. It's actually Dutch.

66. What are your thoughts on

67. existence?

68. Do you believe in a god or a

69. higher power?

70. Where do you go when you die?

71. Uh...

72. Hey!

73. Hey!

74. You cheatin' on me, big boy?

75. Hell naw.

76. I know you're cheatin' on me.

77. Aah!

78. No! No!

79. I'm not cheatin' on you, baby!

80. I'm gonna knock you out.

81. I'm-a...

82. All right!

83. Let them play it out?

84. What's up with acting?

85. What's up with the jizz

86. flying around?

87. What's the difference between

88. Australia and South Africa?

89. I'm just scared that...

90. it's right up there.

91. Where is it?

92. You got it.

93. There's no...

94. Oh, yep, there it is...

95. Be careful of, uh, suey.

96. You scared the shit out of me.

97. Whew!

98. Whew.

99. Yeah.

100. Oh.

101. That works.

102. All right, Hannibal, let's

103. fight.

104. What?

105. Bring it on.

106. Okay.

107. Fight me.

108. Bring it!

109. Bring it, you son of a...

110. Aah!

111. All right, that was good.

112. That was cool.

113. I want to talk about

114. "true blood."

115. Have you heard that Scott stapp

116. song?

117. The guy from creed?

118. He has that song about baseball.

119. No.

120. He's like...

121. Ow!

122. You just gonna let that

123. happen?

124. Hmm?

125. You just gonna let that

126. happen?

127. That's his desk.

128. I... i stand here.

129. Just ring if you need

130. anything.

131. Y-you're vegan?

132. You said you're...

133. You said you're vegan?

134. No, I'm not vegan.

135. Oh.

136. I'm from Google.

137. Google, show me this guy's

138. balls, please.

139. Sir, you have a little bit of

140. poop inside your testicles.

141. Google, show me her naked.

142. Enhance.

143. Enhance.

144. Ma'am, ma'am...

145. Trust me?

146. Trust me.

147. Don't be close to my face.

148. You just have a little bit of

149. poop in your colon.

150. What's your e-mail?

151. I'll send it right over to you.

152. Here you go.

153. Ladies and gentlemen, so glad

154. to have them back... Beyoncé

155. and Jay-Z!

156. Sit your big, beautiful, black

157. ass down, you gorgeous

158. independent king!

159. Where are you from, originally?

160. Why the you know?

161. Why you asking me all that shit

162. when you already know?

163. I'm walking on egg shells

164. here.

165. I mean, honestly.

166. I can't even go to corner

167. store anymore!

168. Ohhhhh!

169. Oh, man!

170. Yeah!

171. Here you go, sweetie.

172. I've never seen two people in

173. love the way you guys are in

174. love.

175. When's the new album drop?

176. We have this new record

177. that's gonna be coming out very

178. soon.

179. We're not sure exactly when yet,

180. but it'll be soon.

181. Okay. Can you give us a

182. little sample?

183. Who wants to hear a little bit?

184. Yay!

185. How'd you like that shit,

186. huh?

187. I loved it.

188. Intimate Jay-Z and Beyoncé

189. performance.

190. That was incredible!

191. Where's Memphis bleek, Jay?

192. You... you know every

193. Thing.

194. You got up all the paparazzi.

195. And ask me.

196. Check it out!

197. Try to ask me about shit that he

198. already know!

199. Who you trying to talk to?

200. I'm Jay-Z

201. Stop it!

202. Where's Memphis bleek?

203. Excuse me, miss?

204. Do you know where there's a

205. place juicy fruit candyland?

206. Or...

207. Sorry.

208. Poop poop squad fart town

209. or somethin'?

210. Miss, I'm tryin' to talk to you.

211. Can you take this evidence, man?

212. Uh...

213. Please!

214. Can you take this evidence away

215. from me?

216. I don't want anything...

217. It's drugs or money.

218. I don't want it!

219. Uh...

220. Just take it from me, please!

221. My chief's got me nose-deep in

222. something right now.

223. The only thing i want to be

224. nose-deep in is my ex-wife's

225. pussy.

226. Please, just take it.

227. Being a cop sucks.

228. I also reopened the

229. Lorena bobbitt case.

230. Papa, you've got to get this

231. dick on ice for me.

232. Nah, I'm not touching that,

233. man.

234. She's got blisters all over her

235. asshole.

236. Damn!

237. God damn it!

238. I can't... see?

239. Now I've ruined everything!

240. Stop being mean to me!

241. Stop being mean.

242. There are over a billion people

243. in this world.

244. Yeah, but you can't stop...

245. a billion!

246. Harry Belafonte's been

247. pretty critical of you guys.

248. What?

249. Harry Belafonte is the guy

250. from the "beetlejuice"

251. soundtrack.

252. Who give a

253. I don't know.

254. Aah!

255. Hey, hey, hey!

256. He was just a stupid

257. cartoon!

258. Let's see you do something

259. about it!

260. Yeah!

261. Do something! Do something!

262. Aah!

263. And, action!

264. Can you take a dump on me?

265. Not in a gay way, sir.

266. Sir, I'm from Google, the

267. website.

268. I need you to poop on my mouth.

269. It's disgusting.

270. Pbhhhht!

271. Miss, you seem to be a little

272. bit gassy.

273. Ladies and gentlemen, here to

274. have a rap battle on treadmills,

275. please welcome action Bronson

276. and killer Mike!

277. Aah!

278. Yo, yo.

279. Yo, listen.

280. Yo!

281. Oh.

282. Yo!

283. What the are you

284. doin'?