The Eric Andre Show 5x9

Directed by

Adam Conover as Self • Quincy Brown as Self • Chad Johnson as Self • Steve-O as Self • Fat Tony as Self

Eric welcomes Quincy and Chad Johnson. Rapper Warrior Ninja guests Fat Tony, Freddie Gibbs, OG Swaggerdick and CUCO. Ranch it up guy gets a job. Felipe hovers over the guests.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ladies and gentlemen, it's "The Eric Andre Show"!

2. Go!

3. Aah!

4. Oh!

5. Aah!

6. Actually, Eric isn't destroying a real set.

7. These are all designed to be destroyed.

8. Aah! In fact —

9. Yeah. Bullets.

10. Come on, asshole.

11. Hey. You know what, y'all?

12. Last time I checked, you kneel in church,

13. and you stand for the national anthem!

14. Everybody rise!

15. Out of your chairs! Two, three.

16. If you're from a country

17. with sick natural resources,

18. text PROTECT to your local U.S. embassy

19. and enter to win free tickets to see Weezer!

20. U.S.A.!

21. I'm Mike Penis! I'm named after my dad's penis!

22. I'm the bouncer now, baby. I'm Mike Penis.

23. I got the list. You work here?

24. Do yourself a favor and w— Dude, I'm Mike Penis.

25. Walk away, bro. Dude, there's LSD in this thing.

26. I'm giving you one warning.

27. You want to go see the Grateful Dead in Albany with me later?

28. Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry.

29. He sprayed some LSD on me. He pointed —

30. He took this shit out and sprayed some LSD on me.

31. How do you know it's LSD?

32. That's what he just said.

33. Are you feeling weird at all? No, I'm not. Not yet.

34. shooter. Walk away!

35. Okay. I'm trying to. Walk the away!

36. I'm walking. I — You squirt something at me again,

37. I'm gonna break your face. Dude, I'm saying that —

38. I'm warning you. I don't care who you are!

39. I don't care who you — who you — who you —

40. who you are!

41. You got to let me into this club.

42. Okay! All right! What's going on with you?

43. I got some niggas that do the race.

44. I got some niggas that doing business on them pretty girls

45. that live an ugly life.

46. And I thank God that I'm still drippin'.

47. Ladies and gentlemen, Puff Daddy's son, Quincy!

48. Yo!

49. Quincy! What's up, man?

50. Man, coolin'. Coolin', bro.

51. You calling the shots these days

52. or are you still taking shit from your old man?

53. Nah. I'm calling the shots.

54. Oh, man, you — you are so great.

55. Didn't you beat the living daylights out of Drake one time?

56. Didn't he Mike Tyson Punch-Out, like...

57. Yeah. I-I wasn't there. Wasn't there.

58. Drake forgot your dad's from the streets,

59. and he took a microphone, and then your dad was like...

60. But they cool. They cool.

61. They cool. That's all that matters.

62. Drake was like...

63. But they cool now. They cool. They cool.

64. Oh!

65. Shit. What's going on with you?

66. Now, you were on the show "The Real."

67. I was. Yeah.

68. "The Real" is a real knock-off of "The View."

69. It — It was fun. It was a good time.

70. They treated you like shit on that show.

71. Nah.

72. Felipe Esparza, everybody!

73. Felipe Esparza.

74. Zzt! You're full of electricity, homie.

75. You think God's got a cooter or a big-ass kielbasa?

76. He's got it all.

77. That's gross.

78. No. That's — That's bigoted of me to say.

79. That's, um...

80. That's great.

81. This is the exterminator. Oh, God.

82. A lot of the poison's gone to his head,

83. so he's kind of out of it.

84. Oh!

85. And we have a real bad bug problem.

86. Have a regu— Oh!

87. Oh, shit. What's that?

88. It's just a shirt.

89. Whoo! Look. Open it up.

90. It look — It look — No, it's a shirt.

91. You ever seen a penis slide across a fence?

92. Pt-pt-pt-pt!

93. Or a fence? You gonna get laid —

94. Are you a jack of hearts or an ace of spades?

95. Oh!

96. Oh! [ "Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme plays ]

97. Incoming ranch glider!

98. Whoa!

99. Ohh-h-h-h-h-h!

100. Shit, dude.

101. Whoa. What the hell is going on here?

102. Dude! You're Chill Charlie, man.

103. What's up, Chill Charlie?

104. Dude, is your wife still depressed?

105. She's very depressed.

106. Hold on. Ooh. You're working on pie charts?

107. I'm working on a pie shart.

108. Do I have permission to touch your face? No, no, no.

109. Good to see ya, dude. Time to hit the skies!

110. I can see Lollapalooza from up here.

111. You know him from the Cincinnati Bengals — Chad Johnson!

112. [ "Monday Night Football" theme plays ] You stay buff, bro.

113. Nice to meet you. Shit.

114. I didn't know you were gonna be white, my man.

115. Yeah. You gonna Venmo me for reparations?

116. How many yards did you run... ever?

117. You're thinking of the wrong — That's the other Chad Johnson.

118. Cleveland Bengals. That's the wrong dude, man.

119. That's the football dude. I was on the, like, dating show.

120. "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?"

121. Mm.

122. You got any plans this weekend?

123. My ex wanted to go to Vegas

124. 'cause she wanted to go to some, like, wedding.

125. And, like, I'm still friends — Ex?

126. Ex? What? You're whipped, man.

127. No. She's cool. It's like a friend ex.

128. Have you lost your mind?

129. Oh, you in the friend zone, dog. She watches my dog.

130. I'm not in the friend zone. That's not the friend zone.

131. Yeah, dude. You ain't getting laid in Vegas, man.

132. That wasn't the plan. Oh, shit!

133. What the was that? [ "Monday Night Football" theme plays ]

134. We didn't get the football guy. It's a different Chad Johnson.

135. Touchdown! He's from a dating show, man.

136. Hey.

137. Huh? Yeah. Are you famous?

138. I don't...

139. This guy is a fox.

140. Well, thank you, dude.

141. You're hot, dude.

142. I thought you were the football guy, man,

143. and I don't have any questions planned.

144. I'm gonna be honest with you.

145. Reporting for duty, sir.

146. What the

147. You got to support the troops.

148. Is your dick out, bro? What the

149. Why is this happening right now, man?

150. When in Rome, right, dawg?

151. Come on, baby.

152. What the

153. Dude, that guy was a national hero.

154. And I'm next. What the...

155. You're on TV right now. That camera right there.

156. We're TV X now.

157. Jesus Christ.

158. I'm real dehydrated, man.

159. Jesus Christ.

160. No, bro. No.

161. Lemonade!

162. Come on, everybody. Aah!

163. Aah! Jesus! I love ya.

164. Excuse me. Have you seen, like, a falcon — like, a hawk?

165. Please! Please! Have you seen a falcon? Please!

166. You saw one? No, I haven't seen one.

167. What's that? I got attacked by it.

168. I took her egg, and she took my kid.

169. Like, eye-for-eye shit.

170. And I've been trying to attract her back with cat food,

171. and it's doing nothing, and I'm panicking

172. 'cause my wife's about to be home in 30 minutes, man.

173. Yes.

174. Have you guys seen a-a bird?

175. No, I didn't. Shit.

176. I took one of her eggs,

177. and she took — she took my 18-month-old.

178. You took her egg and she took your child?

179. Yes. Oh, shit.

180. Can you please help me?

181. Help you do what? You talking about a falcon?

182. The falcon took the baby.

183. Yeah.

184. Yeah, that's what I'm dealing with now.

185. As the minutes go on, I get more and more, like, out of it.

186. You have a lot of blood coming out of you.

187. I've been using this for my wounds — hydrogen peroxide.

188. Ohh.

189. Why you drinking that? It's H2O2.

190. It's the sequel to water.

191. You're not supposed to drink — Oh, Jesus. I can't. You're not supposed to drink that, man.

192. It tastes horrible.

193. You're going to the hospital. Does this look bad?

194. Oh, it's up.

195. I don't think the baby survived.

196. No, no. Come on.

197. Don't say that. So where's the baby at?

198. [ Echoing, voice distorted ] Where's the baby at?

199. A bird took my kid.

200. I don't know what I'm doing.

201. Oh, that's them. There they are.

202. Look at my falcon just doing its thing.

203. Isn't that beautiful?

204. I was a — I'm a bit of a worrywart.

205. But that's just them doing their thing.

206. They're a bit rambunctious.

207. There's no rules! Just a bunch of bullshit!

208. "Rapper Warrior Ninja"!

209. Fat Tony!

210. Go! Okay!

211. Hit that helium! Yeah!

212. Don't stop freestyling!

213. Ow!

214. I ain't do nothing wrong!

215. Actually, bring your ass back over here.

216. Where you going? Aah!

217. Why is Steve-O spinning in a chair?

218. Steve-o, what the you doing with them balls?

219. Man, what the is this shit, man?

220. I don't want to do this shit, man.

221. Rap, god damn it!

222. Oh! Aah! Shit!

223. You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you, nigga.

224. Mother... Get me off this shit!

225. Hit that helium.

226. Oh! Nigga, no!

227. Ow, bitch!

228. Hey, nigga, this ain't Oz. Get the out my face!

229. This is my shit. Get out of here, nigga!

230. I don't want no shit!

231. Rip his hair out of his legs!

232. No, no. Hold up. Hold up. Hold the up.

233. It's so hot! Oh! My God.

234. Aah!

235. Oh, man, you — you are so great.