1. Ladies and gentlemen,
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2. it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
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3. Okay.
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4. Thought I'd try something
a little bit different today,
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5. actually.
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6. What the is this shit?
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7. Get the off the stage, man!
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8. Ah! What the, man?
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9. I told you about that shit, man.
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10. Bring it on!
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11. I'm sorry, but the guy
came at me, okay?
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12. Right? What do you think, folks?
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13. What the?
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14. Oh, God.
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15. Can you help me real quick?
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16. When the train comes,
right when the doors open,
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17. sail him down the stairs
so he goes onto the train.
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18. The doors will close,
and then he's off to whatever.
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19. It doesn't matter to me.
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20. If you want to spray-paint
the security cameras,
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21. you can hit them
with the spray paint and...
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22. Shh. - He took my clothes...
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23. If anything goes wrong,
I got this.
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24. It's like the Torah part two,
but now it's for kids.
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25. We're gonna sail him down
on the train,
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26. and then he's de Blasio's
problem.
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27. You know what I mean?
He took my clothes.
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28. He's a prisoner that I was
transporting,
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29. and he tricked me,
and he took my clothes.
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30. Shut the up.
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31. - Why you take his clothes?
- I didn't.
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32. Look, I have the Bible.
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33. I don't give a about no Bible.
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34. If anything goes wrong,
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35. God's on our side.
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36. The police is coming, so you're
gonna get in trouble.
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37. No, I'm not.
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38. Bye-bye! -
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39. Y'all listen to conscious
hip hop?
What's that?
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40. You listen to
conscious hip hop?
Uh...
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41. "Woke Rhymes" available now.
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42. Ladies and gentlemen,
she's now on "Riverdale,"
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43. she dated Mike Tyson,
and she Howard Stern,
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44. Robin Givens. Come on!
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45. Yeah! Stunning.
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46. Whoo!
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47. I like your suit.
Thank you very much.
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48. I love it! I'm sexy.
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49. You are I am very...
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50. - It's great.
- I'm a sex symbol.
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51. Can I get rid of these
Mike Tyson questions?
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52. Oh, that would be nice.
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53. Uh, there's a lot of them.
Sorry.
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54. - How is it doing that?
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55. - I got a desk shredder.
- Oh.
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56. You are so sexy.
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57. You are so beautiful.
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58. You are gorgeous.
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59. Oh, my gosh, so pretty.
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60. Hey, man.
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61. Oh, my God.
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62. I mean, that was fantastic.
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63. That was great, and he has
a very good body.
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64. That guy has
a really nice body.
That's your type of guy.
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65. Oh. Ooh, gosh.
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66. How does Robin Givens
get it all done?
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67. Is there a Batman Givens?
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68. I wish.
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69. I'm using Raid as cologne.
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70. I'm sure it's dangerous.
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71. I feel like there's, like,
little kids somewhere.
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72. What is that?
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73. This desk is sticky. Mm-hmm.
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74. I'm sorry. It's alright.
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75. Hey, um...
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76. Oh. I-I...
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77. Let me Xerox my ass.
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78. I used to do
the same thing.
Really?
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79. I've done... I have done that.
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80. Who hasn't?
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81. Yeah. Like, se... Oh, wow.
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82. My. Oh. This is Joe.
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83. Do you want some popcorn?
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84. How did you do...
How long did that take?
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85. Oh, God.
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86. What were those? What was that?
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87. What were they?
It was, like, bugs.
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88. Yeah, I know they were bugs.
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89. You're not a fan of bugs?
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90. I'm sure they're very necessary.
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91. They just make me a little...
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92. Oh, God.
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93. Oh. It's time for
the Ultimate Challenge!
Okay.
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94. It's time for
the Ultimate Challenge!
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95. You're not gonna open
that box, right?
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96. You got to do it or I'm putting
the cellphone in the blender.
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97. - Wait. Do what? He's gonna...
- Oh, my gosh.
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98. You're watching Bone TV.
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99. Time to show America
how you bone!
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100. There's no place like Bone.
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101. It's time for Bone TV.
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102. Okay. Show us how you bone.
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103. I'd rather not,
in all honesty.
69, dude!
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104. If I was 69ing right now,
I'd be gushing milk.
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105. You're watching Bone TV, baby!
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106. Booyah!
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107. Oh, shit!
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108. Dude, last time I my wife,
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109. I was gushing milk, dude.
Oh, shit.
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110. You're watching Bone TV.
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111. Show us how you.
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112. Demonstrate
on this corpse.
Oh, God.
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113. Whoo! Bam!
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114. Oh, damn, I'm falling.
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115. How the do you bone down, dude?
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116. You want to put a little meat
on these bones?
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117. We went on a date.
Her prefacing the whole date
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118. was, "Just remember, I squirt."
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119. With a couple fingers
and tongue,
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120. I started playing with her.
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121. Hmm.
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122. Starts shooting out
the back end onto my TV.
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123. I'm the squirt king,
and you're watching...
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124. You've seen her
in absolutely everything,
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125. the lovely
and talented actress...
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126. Cleopatra Woman.
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127. Felipe Esparza, everybody!
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128. What's up, dude? You're like...
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129. Nice to meet you.
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130. Belipe!
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131. Whoa!
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132. He just come up
with that shit, man.
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133. Whoo! Belipe, Belipe.
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134. You hungry?
You want some Postmates?
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135. Oh!
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136. How are you?
What are you working on?
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137. I want to eat that.
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138. I demand some queer attention,
honey.
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139. Wow.
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140. The going on? What happened?
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141. Where? Who? - Right there!
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142. - This guy in the yellow bike?
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143. In the bus terminal behind you.
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144. Right here?
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145. I got to write you up?
Over there.
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146. You're saying this woman did it?
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147. No, wait, wait. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
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148. You okay? Did you do it?
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149. This guy right here
with the headphones?
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150. Over there!
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151. You said a yellow bag?
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152. Sir, I got to write you up.
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153. That's illegal.
You can't throw trash on a cop.
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154. I didn't throw nothing!
That wasn't him!
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155. I'll see you in Hell.
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156. Right there
with the yellow shirt!
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157. This guy with the yellow belt?
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158. Sir, sir, you can't do that
to a police officer.
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159. That guy, he's leaving
over there.
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160. - You did it.
- Not me.
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161. - You did it!
- Me?
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162. - You did it!
- You see me?
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163. - Yes.
- No!
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164. I got him. Sir... - Not me!
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165. I got to write you up.
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166. My ego's out of control. Not me!
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167. That's not... I came from here.
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168. That's you. What are you saying?
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169. I got him.
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170. Ladies and gentlemen, your own
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171. from "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy,"
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172. please welcome Jai Rodriguez!
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173. Well, chop of the morning
to you.
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174. - Ohh!
- Ohh!
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175. What the hell is that?
It's a desk dog!
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176. Oh, my God. This is fancy.
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177. Now, Ted Allen
recently tweeted...
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178. Oh!
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179. You were in "Rent." Yep.
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180. Can you sing that song?
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181. Don't touch that dial unless
that's what you call your bone.
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182. It's time for Bone TV. Oh, shit!
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183. First I work the nips,
then the coot,
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184. then it's all over, dude.
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185. Dude, it's all over, dude!
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186. Yo, dude, show us how you bone!
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187. Let me see how you do it, bro.
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188. I had sex with one
of these girls.
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189. It was crazy.
Show us how she sucked
your bone, dude.
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190. - Show us she...
- I'm about to this little nigga up.
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191. Uh-oh, boneverload.
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192. Show me your bone face.
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193. Oh, yeah.
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194. Do you know what happened
to Shelly Miscavige?
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195. - No clue.
- Good question.
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196. The Bone TV's Emmy-winning
investigative series
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197. to the dark art of Scientology
can be yours for only 15 bones.
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198. She was in Clearwater, Florida,
and then she was at Hemet,
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199. and then... That's... Ah. Ahh...
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200. Shelly?
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201. Bone!
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202. - Ladies and gentlemen,
Toro y toro
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203. y toro y toro y moi!
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204. Pickup truck!
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205. Yeah!
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206. Bad boy.
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207. Ah!
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208. Absolutely.
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209. - I'm sorry.
- It's alright.
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