The Eric Andre Show 5x10

Directed by

Stormy Daniels as Self • Hannibal Buress as Self • Blake Griffin as Self • Semere-Ab Etmet Yohannes as Russell Brand • David Haskin as George Clooney • James Hazley as Blannibal

Eric welcomes Blake Griffin and Stormy Daniels in the season finale. His crossing guard skills stink and Miss Eric Andre will be finally crowned.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ladies and gentlemen, it's "The Eric Andre Show"!

2. Please. Help me. Help me.

3. The hills are alive with the sound of bullshit

4. W— Aah! [ Up-tempo music plays ]

5. Okay!

6. Welcome to the 50th episode of "The Eric Andre Show"!

7. Oh, God. Oh, no.

8. Is there a problem? I made a mistake.

9. Did you call 911?

10. They made the green part say "stop"

11. and the red part say "go."

12. I wasn't paying attention.

13. And now I'm in over my head,

14. and my father was the number-one crossing guard in the city.

15. Well, I'm gonna call 911 —

16. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

17. Wait.

18. Don't leave! Don't leave!

19. Don't leave! Get his license!

20. Get his license! Get his license!

21. I didn't get it.

22. Here. Here. Here. T-Take this.

23. And just say that you did it. I can't get in trouble for this.

24. I can't do that. I'm not gonna do it.

25. Well, I don't want to get in trouble here.

26. Help him. Help him. I'll take it. Help him.

27. Give him some milk for his bones.

28. Lookit. Lookit.

29. Maybe you j—

30. What are you doing? You've got to stimulate the blood flow!

31. Get the out of here! Why?

32. Because you just kicked the guy! I've got a milky eye!

33. I can't see!

34. I'm handicapped, too. I'm so sorry.

35. You want me to get more milk? Get out of here!

36. We don't want you to be even here!

37. [ Mid-tempo music plays ] Let's try again.

38. You know... Get out of here.

39. when you're having a hard day at work, eat some chips.

40. They're good for you.

41. Help!

42. He plays the basketball. Blake Griffin, everybody!

43. Yes.

44. You're a — God damn. You're a specimen.

45. Sit that ass down,

46. my

47. You're too — You're too big for your own britches.

48. I'm not used to watching you in person.

49. Hey. What team are you on?

50. The Detroit Pistons.

51. Do you get all sweaty, or are you one of them dry boys?

52. Oh, I'm a sweaty boy.

53. Cool.

54. Oh, thank you so much.

55. Thank you.

56. It's one of the best champagne we have.

57. Oh, okay. Beautiful. Thank you so much.

58. And where'd you get your gray shirt?

59. I, um...

60. We're two P.A.s, and we're a married couple,

61. which is unusual.

62. Oh, that... They're P.A.s, and they're married.

63. We've been married 25 years.

64. [ Mid-tempo music plays ] Hey! What's up, man?

65. What's up, Belipe? Belipe!

66. What's happening, baby?

67. Hey, Belipe, he can't drink 'cause he's an athlete.

68. I'm... Is it a religious thing?

69. Like — We got birds up here. Oh, okay. Yeah.

70. I'm not a — No. I — No.

71. You think these are Cosby cocktails?

72. You think Bill Cosby is guest bartending backstage?

73. Pudding pops! No. I doubt it.

74. When the Jell-O hits you...

75. You are part of the reason that he's behind bars.

76. Belipe. Belipe. Oh, my goodness.

77. Belipe, make sure his shins are shinin'.

78. Shiny, huh?

79. They're a married PA couple.

80. She was introduced to me by one of our mutual friend.

81. Mm-hmm.

82. Thank you so much. So we'll be back.

83. No. Thank you. Thank you. See you later.

84. All right. See you.

85. So what team are you on? Uh... the Detroit Pistons.

86. Your team is named after a single engine component?

87. Yeah. Why not call yourselves the Detroit Engines

88. or the Detroit Cars?

89. Because I think —

90. I mean, where's Eminem when you need him,

91. and why won't Berry Gordy do something about it?

92. Do something, Motown.

93. Come on, Motown.

94. Hey. I watched you play a basketball game.

95. Yeah.

96. And you were like — Phoo! Boink!

97. And the ball did not go in. Oh. I missed one?

98. Yeah. It was so embarrassing.

99. Brick! Ball was like bwee-kwee!

100. Uh, I think the ball's supposed to go in the hoop?

101. I know. That was, like, cringe basketball.

102. I couldn't even watch that.

103. Oh, my God.

104. Hey. Do you think I'm pretty?

105. Did you order some ranch?

106. Oh, dude! That was me.

107. You got my — You got my —

108. Whoa! Easy! Easy! Easy!

109. You got my — You got my back, right, dude?

110. Oh, shit. You're David Bro-ie.

111. Do I have permission to touch your face? No!

112. Whoa-oh-oh!

113. Oh, shit.

114. Dude, I stole this from Lena Dunham's parents.

115. It's her sonogram.

116. There's only seven of these that leaked, dude.

117. Buzz me.

118. you, murderer!

119. And we're back with Blake Griffin.

120. Are you named after the guy from "Family Guy"?

121. Which one?

122. Hey. It's Navy Seal Team 69.

123. These guys sixty-nined bin Laden for our freedom.

124. Wow. Oh, man. Show some support.

125. Of course. I'm s— I'm so sorry.

126. [ Mid-tempo march plays ] Wow.

127. Did he have a gun on him?

128. I mean, what can I say, man?

129. Patriotism is the conviction that your country

130. is superior to all others 'cause you were born in it.

131. Oh, geez.

132. All right.

133. Belipe, Belipe, Belipe, Belipe.

134. Pbht!

135. Why can I hear stuff all the time?

136. Oh, shit! It's Ice Rasta!

137. Aah!

138. Aah! Aah!

139. Oh, n-n...

140. Ooh.

141. Belipe, Belipe, Belipe. Oh, my God.

142. Oh, excuse me.

143. Oh, Jesus.

144. Oh, my God. Thank God.

145. Sir, can I talk to you for a second?

146. Yes, sir.

147. You seem pretty trustworthy, man.

148. I'm in a lot of trouble.

149. Okay. I'm with the mayor's daughter.

150. She's not exactly of age. Okay.

151. She's — It looks like she's...

152. Yeah. She's injured, too. Shit, dude.

153. Could we — This sounds unorthodox.

154. Can we swap clothes, maybe, and I just get in your clothes?

155. Please say that you can help us. No.

156. I can't have the paramedics here, okay?

157. Paramedics equals socialism. I hate that shit.

158. I'm sorry. I can't get involved. You're not involved.

159. This never happened. I-I cannot. I am sorry.

160. This is a lot of money in pesos.

161. You can go to Mexico right now. You can buy ropas.

162. Sorry. I-I am on the job.

163. Hold up. I'm sorry, babe.

164. You didn't even ask for my preferred pronoun.

165. You're lucky I'm cis, dude.

166. I'm the last cisgender cop on my force.

167. That behavior is learned, man.

168. You should have a talk with your parents.

169. Ooh! I got you on tape. I have to go. Please!

170. Sir, wait. Ken!

171. Ken!

172. I have to go! Ken, please. Ken, please.

173. You see that camera over there?

174. You're on "The Alfredo Effect."

175. You don't be Alfredo... the dark.

176. I don't think that's funny, man.

177. Ladies and gentlemen, she's a porn star

178. that the president — Stormy Daniels.

179. Va-voom!

180. You're a little cutie pie.

181. Yeah, she is.

182. You're a beautiful little potato bug.

183. Super hot.

184. You're a gorgeous mamacita flower — bloomin' onion...

185. California cauliflower... You don't have to sweet-talk me.

186. I'm kind of a sure thing.

187. Do you keep in touch with your parents?

188. no. Do you? Hell no.

189. no. Hell no. Never mind.

190. Dude, my parents came in here,

191. I'd pull out my nine on their ass.

192. Boom.

193. Boom!

194. In the dome.

195. It's time for "The Rest of the Interview"!

196. [ Up-tempo music plays ] Whoo!

197. Yes!

198. I read that you were homeless at one point.

199. What? That you lived in a car.

200. It was not a car.

201. It w— Whoa!

202. Shit. That thing's hot.

203. You lived in a car or something?

204. It was not a car.

205. Yeah! I'm back!

206. Oh, shit! It's time to end the season!

207. Yo.

208. W— Hannibal?

209. Thank you for seeing you again! [ Down-tempo music plays ]

210. Dude, what happened to you?

211. I went to the store.

212. Bro, I needed you.

213. You didn't need me.

214. The power is in you.

215. I never existed this whole time.

216. Go back. Watch the tapes.

217. I'm a mirage.

218. Hannibal, chime in.

219. I'm the king, man. I'm king shit.

220. You're little. You're small.

221. You don't get me. [ Down-tempo music plays ]

222. Whoa.

223. All right. I'm out.

224. We've been married 25 years.