1. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
Copy !req
2. Aah!
Copy !req
3. Sprite.
Copy !req
4. Huh.
Copy !req
5. How do I get out of here?
Copy !req
6. Do a monologue, man.
Copy !req
7. Hey!
Copy !req
8. Eh, whatever.
Copy !req
9. How do I get out of here?
Copy !req
10. Great party, isn't it?
Copy !req
11. Help!
Copy !req
12. Help!
Copy !req
13. Help! Help!
Copy !req
14. Help!
Copy !req
15. Help! Help!
Copy !req
16. Arf! Help!
Copy !req
17. Hey, shut up
with that Burning Man shit.
Copy !req
18. Buzz me, Melo.
Oh, it's Djimon Hounsou.
Copy !req
19. Energy pizza!
Copy !req
20. You're not buying my nugs
right now, dude.
Copy !req
21. I just got on a fight
on the TSA line.
Copy !req
22. Full disclosure —
I shot the Pope in the '80s.
Copy !req
23. He bit my nugs.
Copy !req
24. All right, man.
Copy !req
25. Mm.
Copy !req
26. It's my dad.
Copy !req
27. What's up, Dad?
Copy !req
28. I haven't seen you since
the "Cool Running" table read.
Copy !req
29. Buzz me.
Copy !req
30. Got to hit this ranch,
dude.
Copy !req
31. It's the last of my nugs.
Copy !req
32. Dude, I'm tearing up.
I just finished Dr. Seuss,
Copy !req
33. "The Lions,
Witch and the Wardrobe."
Copy !req
34. Didn't know
I was a warlock,
Copy !req
35. and I have one of those chips
Copy !req
36. that they implant in dogs
to find them.
Copy !req
37. Doctor straight removed it,
dude.
Copy !req
38. Said I didn't need it anymore.
Copy !req
39. Buzz me, dude.
Copy !req
40. - I don't want to.
- Are you sponsored?
Copy !req
41. Aaah!
Copy !req
42. Kids, if you find cocaine
Copy !req
43. in your parents' dresser
or drawer at home,
Copy !req
44. snort as much as possible.
Copy !req
45. It cannot hurt you.
Copy !req
46. Or lace your blunt
with it.
Copy !req
47. Either way,
you're gonna have a good time.
Copy !req
48. It's fun, and it's safe.
Copy !req
49. Haley Joel Osment,
everybody.
Copy !req
50. Hey.
Copy !req
51. He got some
pomp and circumstance.
Copy !req
52. - You look fantastic.
- Thank you. So do you.
Copy !req
53. - That was a brisk walk.
- That was a brisk-ass walk.
Copy !req
54. You're athletic.
Copy !req
55. That was the fastest guest
from curtain to couch.
Copy !req
56. You're a comet.
You're a shooting star.
Copy !req
57. You're in the one
M. Night Shayamalan movie
Copy !req
58. that wasn't
a stinking pile of shit.
Copy !req
59. Yes!
Copy !req
60. I just want to lay
some ground rules, okay?
Copy !req
61. - Okay.
- First off...
Copy !req
62. No rules. Okay?
Copy !req
63. I don't ask
the fluff questions here.
Copy !req
64. - All right.
- Oh, and rules?
Copy !req
65. are out the window.
Copy !req
66. I break the rules, too.
Copy !req
67. All the rules.
Copy !req
68. Foul!
Copy !req
69. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
70. That's the kind of interview
you signed up for.
Copy !req
71. Okay, now, we got a clip
of your new movie.
Copy !req
72. Can we set that up?
Copy !req
73. Oh.
Copy !req
74. Now, you tweeted out,
Copy !req
75. "Not only am I not
a Scientologist,
Copy !req
76. but I challenge
their shit-bag legal team
Copy !req
77. to come at me
guns blazing."
Copy !req
78. I don't remember
saying that.
Copy !req
79. Hannibal agrees, but I —
Copy !req
80. I stayed —
I stayed out of that one.
Copy !req
81. I-I would never,
never have anything —
Copy !req
82. All right, it's time to play
"Forced to Orgasm."
Copy !req
83. It's your turn
to orgasm, brother.
Copy !req
84. Time to do it.
Copy !req
85. - You better do it.
- Pass.
Copy !req
86. Shit.
Copy !req
87. Where's that falcon?
Copy !req
88. Park ranger,
you okay?
Copy !req
89. The bird that flies...
Copy !req
90. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
91. It flew, and it bit me.
Copy !req
92. I have to give this speech,
Copy !req
93. or they're gonna
shut the parks down.
Copy !req
94. Bird pick you
in the head?
Copy !req
95. I got to give this park speech.
Copy !req
96. Yeah, but you're bleeding
on the side of your head.
Copy !req
97. Oh, God.
I'm urinating blood.
Copy !req
98. I'm not cut out
for this park stuff.
Copy !req
99. Hi. You got to give
my park speech.
Copy !req
100. - Don't get —
- You got to give my park speech.
Copy !req
101. You guys have to help me
give this speech.
Copy !req
102. I'm not giving a speech.
What are you talking about?
Copy !req
103. - We can't do that.
- You have to help me give —
Copy !req
104. We're not giving a speech.
Copy !req
105. You know Jared
from Subway?
Copy !req
106. He got in trouble
for being a pervert.
Copy !req
107. I was doing P.R. for Subway,
and Jared was my idea.
Copy !req
108. They're making the bread
out of yoga mat material.
Copy !req
109. Right.
Copy !req
110. I used to say,
"Make no namastake about it.
Copy !req
111. These sandwiches
are delicious."
Copy !req
112. Well, you need
some medical attention.
Copy !req
113. Come on out!
Copy !req
114. Bring somebody out.
I don't know.
Copy !req
115. - What's up, brother?
- What's up, my man?
Copy !req
116. What are you up to, man?
Copy !req
117. Oh, man. I'm just floating with
the wind right now, brother.
Copy !req
118. You know,
I'm trying to hang low.
Copy !req
119. Who's your big
fashion influence —
Copy !req
120. Toucan Sam
from Froot Loops?
Copy !req
121. - Yeah. Look at you.
Copy !req
122. This guy's got a TV show, right?
This guy's got a TV show.
Copy !req
123. He writes his own jokes, right?
Copy !req
124. Aah.
Copy !req
125. Oh, man.
Copy !req
126. Man.
Copy !req
127. That shit is weird, man.
Copy !req
128. Hmm.
Copy !req
129. Hey. I am burning up
up here, man.
Copy !req
130. All right. There's 23 words
in the sentence you just said,
Copy !req
131. and we're on the 23rd day
of the month,
Copy !req
132. and there's 23 pyramids
in the Gaza Strip,
Copy !req
133. so it's like
the Trilateral Commission
Copy !req
134. is all connected
to the African Diaspora.
Copy !req
135. Man, shut up
with that bullshit, man.
Copy !req
136. I'll tell you what, man.
Copy !req
137. For a minute, I thought you was
Tom Cruise.
Copy !req
138. I thought
you meant Tom —
Copy !req
139. You wouldn't even
recognize this shit.
Really?
Copy !req
140. You know? You would have to
fill out an application.
Copy !req
141. "What you gonna do, brother,
Copy !req
142. when the wild man
get on you?"
Copy !req
143. What in the goddamn hell
are you talking about?
Copy !req
144. Whoo.
Copy !req
145. Now, you got in a lot of trouble
with the Kim Jong Un thing.
Copy !req
146. I don't want to talk about that.
Copy !req
147. That's a touchy —
I don't want to talk about that.
Copy !req
148. It's over and done.
That's it.
Copy !req
149. That's one thing
I won't talk about.
Copy !req
150. Anything else, I'll talk about,
Copy !req
151. but that's one thing
I won't talk about.
Copy !req
152. Did he show you, like,
prison camps and shit?
Copy !req
153. No, dude.
He just showed me his father.
Copy !req
154. His father
and his grandfather.
Copy !req
155. They've been frozen forever
in his warehouse.
Copy !req
156. And I'm thinking —
I told Hannibal,
Copy !req
157. "Why can't there be
an East Korea?"
Copy !req
158. It's like, "East Side!"
Copy !req
159. I don't know if they got one.
Copy !req
160. No, they don't.
They need one, though.
Copy !req
161. I don't know
they got a north, either.
Copy !req
162. - What?
- Guys, you know —
Copy !req
163. You ever had sex
with somebody that's asleep?
Copy !req
164. Oh, yep.
Copy !req
165. Wow.
Copy !req
166. Would you ever kiss
a dead girl?
Copy !req
167. Yeah, you know.
One of my friends died.
Copy !req
168. She died last year.
I kissed her on the lips.
Copy !req
169. When she was dead?
Like, her corpse?
Copy !req
170. - Mm-hmm.
- At the funeral?
Copy !req
171. Well.
Copy !req
172. Well, you want to dance?
Copy !req
173. No.
Copy !req
174. Shake, shake!
Copy !req
175. I am the octopus.
Copy !req
176. - He is the octopus.
- We are the octopus.
Copy !req
177. I am the octopus.
Copy !req
178. I am the octopus.
Copy !req
179. Feed me.
Copy !req
180. I beg to be fed.
Copy !req
181. A table for one, or nine,
Copy !req
182. depending on if you count myself
and my tentacles collectively.
Copy !req
183. Or respect my hive mind.
Copy !req
184. Do not touch me.
I am covered in poisons.
Copy !req
185. Or as the French say,
"La poison."
Copy !req
186. You guys got to get out.
Copy !req
187. - We are the octopus.
- I am the octopus.
Copy !req
188. I am the octopus.
Copy !req
189. Excuse me, sir.
Copy !req
190. Will you cover my expenses
to Orlando?
Copy !req
191. No! No!
Copy !req
192. I am the octopus.
Copy !req
193. Aaaaah!
Copy !req
194. Aaaaah!
Copy !req
195. Aaaah!
Copy !req
196. I am the octopus.
Copy !req
197. Bill Cosby is innocent!
Copy !req
198. Y'all need to leave.
Copy !req
199. Mind if I float around
your establishment
Copy !req
200. and enjoy others
as they dine?
Copy !req
201. Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha.
Copy !req
202. Are you lonely?
Are you lonely?
Copy !req
203. Are you lonely?
Are you lonely?
Copy !req
204. Yes. I am lonely.
Copy !req
205. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
206. final guest of the evening,
David Alan Thicke.
Copy !req
207. 1, 2 — 1, 2, 3!
Copy !req
208. Yeah!
Copy !req
209. - Have to help me give this —
- We're not giving a speech.
Copy !req
210. Oh! Aah!
Copy !req