1. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
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2. Nah.
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3. Ugh. Hurry up.
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4. Oh!
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5. Wow!
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6. That's all I, uh,
had planned for the, uh...
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7. Hey.
Hannibal.
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8. What?
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9. Why don't you
take off your shirt
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10. if you're such
a tough guy?
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11. 'Cause no one wants
to be disgusted at home
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12. and throw up and get sick
and have diarrhea
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13. and look like a
gross
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14. disgusting.
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15. You know what?
Yeah.
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16. You're saying
some mean things about me,
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17. but I believe in myself.
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18. And my mama raised me
to have confidence,
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19. and my brothers taught me
how to fight.
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20. And I just feel good.
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21. And, also,
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22. you're a bitch-ass nigga.
Hey.
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23. With the iPhone,
you're kind of stuck,
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24. but there's many options.
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25. Price is a big factor
to me.
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26. You know.
- How so?
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27. 'Cause I'm pretty —
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28. Are you okay?
Are you okay?
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29. Is there an airplane?
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30. - Holy shit.
- Are you okay?
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31. I'm trying to get sponsored
by Sprite.
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32. And I —
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33. I thought this was
the Sprite building.
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34. Sprite.
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35. Are you in the Sprite company?
- No.
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36. You need some Sprite?
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37. I came —
I came in —
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38. Okay, don't touch me.
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39. - I came in from an airplane.
- Don't touch me.
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40. Okay, okay.
Go have a seat.
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41. I'm trying to get
a Sprite sponsor—
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42. Have a seat someplace.
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43. What's under your shirt?
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44. Don't do this, mate.
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45. What's under your shirt?
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46. I just — I'm trying
to get sponsored by Sprite.
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47. Aah! Aah!
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48. I need Sprite.
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49. Ladies and gentlemen,
he's a wrestler.
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50. Chris Jericho.
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51. Come out.
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52. So, how did you get
your sta-a-a-a-a-a-a-a—
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53. Aaaaaaaaah.
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54. Listen.
He-e-e-e-e-e-e-y.
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55. I'm writing it down.
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56. Lookit.
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57. Hey, dweeb.
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58. I'm gonna kill myself.
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59. This thing has bedbugs
all over it, man.
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60. What?
Are you serious?
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61. Yeah.
Oh, shit.
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62. - Yo, yo.
- I got to get rid of this thing.
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63. Can I get rid
of this mattress here?
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64. If you touch me with that,
I will —
What is the difference?
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65. They told me
to drop it off here.
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66. This thing has bedbugs.
I'm trying to get rid of it.
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67. I'm giving it away.
Don't run into traffic.
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68. I just want to give you a hug.
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69. Don't run into traffic!
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70. Don't run into traffic!
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71. Sponsored by Kafka's
"Metamorphosis."
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72. This guy plays sports
'cause he's tall. Roy Hibbert.
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73. How you doing, man?
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74. Oh, geez.
X-Y-Z, right?
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75. This is fantastic.
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76. What's up
with your nails, man?
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77. Yeah, I'm growing them out.
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78. Hey, you're playing basketball
nowadays, huh?
A little bit.
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79. What is basketball?
What is it?
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80. What is it?
What is it?
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81. Is this basketball?
Is that basketball?
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82. What is it? What is violence?
What is basketball?
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83. It could be whatever
you want it to be.
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84. Oh, thank you.
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85. Cheers.
- There's nothing in that.
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86. You ever kissed a girl while
she was asleep or passed out?
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87. Without —
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88. Without —
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89. Oh.
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90. Wow.
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91. You said
without her permission?
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92. Who knows?
That was ye—
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93. like,
minutes ago.
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94. Is this supposed to be
a studio au—
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95. I'm ashamed of —
Where's the audience?
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96. - I'm proud to be —
- Yo.
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97. I'm gonna have my robot
take over for a little while.
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98. Roy Hibbert,
welcome to the show.
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99. Roy, first question.
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100. sick
of this robot, man.
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101. You're an actor.
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102. Shut the up!
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103. I'm Hannibal.
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104. Shit.
That could be a question.
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105. Are we almost done?
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106. I'm out of here, bro.
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107. - Wait, wait, wait.
- Get the away from —
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108. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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109. Wait, wait.
I have a few questions left.
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110. I have
a few questions left.
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111. Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, take it easy.
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112. Take it easy,
take it easy.
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113. Put your clothes back on, man.
It's not cool.
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114. Let get me a turkey sangwich —
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115. lettuce, tomato, salt and
pepper, oil and vinegar, okay?
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116. And now, my order's
in your court!
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117. Order, order,
order, order, order!
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118. Order!
Are you guilty?
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119. Order!
Are you the plaintiff?
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120. Order, order, order!
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121. Are you —
Where's the jury?
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122. You're all guilty!
I'm locking you up!
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123. I'm locking you up!
- Hey!
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124. Is there a judge in here
causing trouble?
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125. Oh, shit.
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126. Ugh. Oh.
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127. Hey.
That sangwich — it's on me.
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128. Ladies and gentlemen,
civil rights leader Flavor Flav!
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129. Wow.
Baron Samedi.
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130. Eric Andre.
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131. What's up, baby?
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132. Wow.
I get to be your show, son?
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133. Yo.
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134. Hey, yo.
Let me tell you something.
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135. I'm recording
a solo album, son.
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136. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
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137. Aw, man.
My shit is top-notch.
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138. Top-notch on the rise,
smelling smoke.
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139. She don't know
about the hustle,
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140. but not a care when I was broke.
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141. What in the goddamn hell
are you talking about?
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142. - You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
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143. So, what's going on, Eric Andre?
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144. Now, Chuck D. said,
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145. "Farrakhan's a prophet who
I think you ought to listen to."
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146. Isn't Farrakhan
also a racist anti-Semite
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147. who's responsible for
the assassination of Malcolm X?
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148. I don't know what
the you're saying, G,
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149. but let me tell you something.
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150. They say if you go black —
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151. Uh, we got a problem
with Flav's mike,
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152. so, uh, pause one second
for the sound guys, please.
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153. Yo.
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154. Okay, okay, you got that.
Don't worry about it.
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155. Yo, don't —
don't — don't do that.
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156. If you grab my dick,
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157. I'm gonna punch you
in the face,
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158. and we're
gonna be fighting
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159. right here on this
mother stage.
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160. - Should I try —
- Don't you even try it, G.
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161. If you want
to be friends with —
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162. All right,
I'm dead serious, G.
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163. I'm gonna punch you
in your face, fam.
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164. Grab my dick.
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165. I'm not
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166. Okay.
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167. That mother
not joking.
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168. Ooh
It's cold, man.
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169. This show sucks, man.
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170. Yeah, man.
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171. You got any —
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172. Join us Sundays at 2:00 P.M.
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173. for "Yoga in the Park."
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174. Aah! Aah!
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175. Hey!
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176. - Get the hell out of here.
- No, no, no, no.
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177. Do you understand that?
You're not doing this.
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178. Get the
out of here. Okay?
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179. - My — No —
- You're not listening.
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180. No, my boss is over —
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181. My boss is —
- One more time. Go ahead.
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182. You just hurt a woman!
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183. - I don't speak any —
- You understand me?
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184. I don't speak
any English.
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185. You're speaking English.
You're speaking English
right now.
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186. - Go that way.
- I don't speak a lick
of English.
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187. Oh
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188. Ha!
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189. Ha-ha!
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