1. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
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2. Oh,
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3. Thank you, CrossFit.
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4. - Ahh!
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5. Ahh!
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6. Ahh!
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7. I love you.
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8. You saved my life,
you son of a bitch.
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9. I mean that.
You saved me.
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10. I mean that —
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11. Don't you dare put a finger
on me, you asshole.
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12. That's assault and I will
press charges, okay?
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13. I'll take your ass
to Ferguson, mother
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14. I'm eating this chick's poon
in public, man.
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15. You got to swap
in for me, yo.
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16. Dick in my
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17. I'm in over my head
with this fetish thing.
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18. - I'm gonna be sick.
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19. I'm sucking the disease
out of her, man.
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20. She's on the moon cycle.
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21. It's like a goddamn
gravy cloud in my mouth,
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22. and I'm loving it,
you know what I mean?
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23. You know
the McDonald's slogan?
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24. Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
um...
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25. - Hey, bro.
- Hmm?
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26. I got to bounce out,
man.
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27. - Oh, you —
- I got to leave.
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28. - Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
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29. - All right, I'll s—
- I'm-a have the robot fill in.
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30. Sure.
Yeah, that's cool.
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31. I'll see you.
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32. - Hey, robot. See ya.
- Later, man.
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33. I'm Hannibal.
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34. Ladies and gentlemen, you know
him from "Breaking Bad".
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35. Please welcome
Raymond Cruz!
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36. Hey.
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37. What's going on,
my friends?
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38. - How are you?
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39. Hello, black robot.
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40. Black robot.
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41. Hi, Raymond Cruz.
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42. That's Hannibal 9,000.
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43. Oh, awesome.
The latest technology.
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44. Welcome to the show.
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45. Was gonna say,
isn't he, like, in the '70s?
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46. Hey, check this out.
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47. That's cool, right?
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48. That's — yeah.
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49. I heard that you passed
on "Breaking Bad".
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50. I did. I passed
on "Breaking Bad" three times.
Why?
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51. Or as they say, "¿Porque?"
- ¿Porque?
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52. Because when I first read it,
it was just, like,
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53. I knew exactly what
I wanted to do with it
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54. and I didn't think
they would let me do it.
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55. You played a character named
Tuco Salamanca.
Yes.
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56. To quote Salman Rushdie,
"I think India's pretty cool."
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57. Hey, do you mind if
I put this interview
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58. on Cruz control?
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59. Sure.
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60. Malfunction,
malfunction!
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61. - You talking, or the robot?
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62. Touch my body, please.
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63. Malfunction.
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64. Malfunction!
Processing.
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65. Hey, I'm tired.
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66. Your robot's
going crazy, man.
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67. That's
the Hannibal 9,000.
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68. Don't touch my body,
please.
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69. - How old are you?
- I'm 51.
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70. - I just turned 51.
- I'm 69, dude.
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71. You are not, bro!
You wish.
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72. Hey,
my co-host is here.
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73. What's up, brother?
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74. East L.A. Boyle Heights
in the house, biatch.
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75. Yeah, whoo-whoo!
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76. Boyle Heights, East L.A.
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77. yeah.
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78. Let's pump some energy
into this interview.
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79. Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
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80. Shit!
you!
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81. you!
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82. Piece of shit!
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83. I'm a suicide bonger.
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84. Leave the boys at home
and the wife in the morgue.
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85. It's dude's night.
Buzz me.
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86. You want
to hit some Ranch?
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87. No, not a chance.
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88. - I'm sorry, dude.
- It's okay.
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89. I wasn't even talking
to you this whole time.
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90. I got virtual reality
on the back of my sunglasses.
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91. I'm in the middle
of "Call of Duty",
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92. and I have to say, sir,
you're a Call of Cutie.
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93. Yo!
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94. You seem pretty simple.
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95. You got the Trader Joe's
newsletter?
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96. Ooh!
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97. You mind if I air-deejay
in your personal space?
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98. Sorry dude,
I just deejayed Woodstock '99
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99. like 4:20 minutes ago.
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100. And when you get killed off
in a movie...
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101. Yes, it's an honor.
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102. Oh, I thought
that means, like,
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103. the director didn't like
your performance.
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104. No, that's not
what it means.
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105. You want some
of my food?
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106. No, I'm good.
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107. You want to hold this?
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108. What is this?
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109. Some kind of tuna sandwich.
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110. Where you from, or, where'd —
how'd you get your start?
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111. Your desk just had a baby.
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112. Oh, aww.
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113. Baby desk.
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114. Aw.
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115. Isn't that sweet?
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116. It's a boy.
It's got wood.
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117. Uh,
I am not the father.
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118. I'm just kidding. I am.
I raped my desk.
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119. And now I'm gonna rape
my guest!
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120. Come here!
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121. "The Eric Andre Show" is filmed
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122. in front
of a live studio audience.
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123. I dropped my doughnut.
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124. Get over here, Basquiat,
and hold this thing.
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125. Oh!
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126. I'm stuck!
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127. Someone get some butter
and butter me out!
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128. I slipped delivering mail
and I got stuck.
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129. Someone get me out
of this thing.
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130. Help!
Get it out of my face!
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131. I'm Hannibal.
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132. Ladies and gentlemen,
Amber Rose!
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133. Come here!
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134. - Can I sit? Is that okay?
- Yeah, sit.
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135. Welcome to the show.
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136. That's Hannibal 9,000.
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137. I'm Hannibal.
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138. What's going on
with you, boo?
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139. I have
my SlutWalk coming up.
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140. What?
What's your phone number?
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141. Um...
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142. - You got a boyfriend?
- No.
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143. Well, you single
and you ready to mingle?
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144. You got to get washed, bro.
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145. No, I'll take a bath
in front of you.
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146. I'll take a dump
in front of you.
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147. That's how comfortable I am.
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148. Now you said on Twitter,
"Ching chong, ching chong.
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149. Go back
to your country."
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150. That is a lie.
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151. I've never said that.
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152. Why would you say something
so controversial yet so brave?
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153. You're insane,
'cause I would never write that.
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154. - Should I ask you?
- Sweat.
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155. Can I shave male-pattern
baldness into your hair?
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156. It'll be like
a fashion statement.
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157. Um, I don't think so.
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158. I speak Spanish.
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159. - You got a new song out.
- No, I don't sing.
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160. It's like, shit,
piss, you, shit,
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161. and suck a shit
out some piss."
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162. That's not my song.
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163. What's that say?
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164. Okay, that's not —
that's not my song.
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165. How did you get
your start?
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166. I started —
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167. Hey, Amber.
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168. It's me, Desky!
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169. Yah!
Ow!
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170. Jesus Christ, this thing scared
the goddamn shit out of me.
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171. Ranch.
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172. Ranch it up.
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173. Holy shit,
you're Ranch DuBois.
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174. What's up, Ranch DuBois?
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175. - Okay.
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176. You want some
energy pizza?
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177. You got to gnosh your moth meat
around this energy pizza.
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178. Here comes the airplane.
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179. It's a 9/11 in your mouth.
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180. You want to get
a tetanus shot later?
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181. Ladies and gentlemen,
here to have a good,
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182. old-fashioned bass-off —
Thunder Cat!
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183. Versus Hannibal's robot!
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184. Thunder Cat!
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185. Hannibal's robot!
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186. Thunder Cat!
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187. Whatever was going on between
you guys, enough's enough.
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188. Families stay together.
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189. Yeah.
Shh.
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190. Close together.
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191. Eh — ugh.
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