1. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
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2. Hey, Tony Hawk is here,
everybody!
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3. Good to see you, Tony!
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4. - Come on, beat it!
- Hey, Eric, you dweeb!
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5. What the man?
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6. I thought we were friends!
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7. You know, Hannibal,
I got to thinking,
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8. we need to appeal more
to the real America.
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9. Middle America.
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10. We could use some help from
my old pal Peppercorn Bing Bong.
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11. Howdy, kids!
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12. Well, sweet sarsaparilla
and suck my old
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13. Hey! Jeff Dunham's
racist puppets are here.
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14. I'm a big old black guy.
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15. I am a terrorist.
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16. I'm lazy.
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17. Dude.
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18. Howdy, y'all!
I'm the baby from "Eraserhead."
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19. I shot that dang darn movie
over 40 years ago!
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20. Stop bothering me about it,
y'all.
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21. Oh, shit, it's my Loopers!
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22. Yee-haw!
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23. Ha ha, you got old.
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24. What the
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25. What year is this?
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26. I know you, I know you!
I know you!
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27. What year is this?
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28. Oh
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29. What year is this?
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30. What year is this?
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31. Listen,
I'm a single father.
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32. I'm just trying
to get on my feet.
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33. Ladies and gentlemen, this next
guy is a rapper — Warren G.
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34. - Hello.
- Hug you.
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35. Oh.
I — I farted.
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36. You farted.
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37. I rap a lot.
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38. Is that right?
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39. Yeah. Can you sign me?
Check this out.
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40. Uh-oh.
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41. I'm a hermaphrodite.
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42. - A what?
- You know, life isn't fair.
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43. I can't believe
that I'm 75 years old,
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44. and you come in here
and you're sitting there.
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45. You have no idea
what I'm going through.
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46. You have no clue.
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47. Let me show you how to
free-style, man.
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48. Okay.
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49. Oh, wow.
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50. Would you titty
Martha Stewart?
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51. Yeah.
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52. I wish I were Irish.
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53. Now, you started out...
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54. What's up,
Kraftrican-Americans?
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55. I'm Kraft Punk.
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56. What's up, man?
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57. I like the rap.
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58. Knock it off!
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59. Check out my new dating show,
"The Kraftlor."
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60. Will you be my cheese wife?
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61. Hey, everybody!
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62. It's me, Kraft Punk.
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63. Everybody is friends
with everybody.
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64. Kraft Punk:
I love you.
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65. That's very nice.
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66. Will you be my cheese wife?
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67. No, I'm good.
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68. System malfunction.
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69. Leave me alone!
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70. Did you know
that I cannot die.
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71. Get the hell — hey!
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72. My ratings are through
the cheese roof.
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73. Get him out of here, now!
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74. Leave!
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75. Okay, we get it.
Thank you.
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76. Now, I know this thing
is recording me, okay?
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77. Yeah.
I know they got
microphones in here.
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78. I want the tapes.
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79. Okay, I want the tapes!
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80. I want the tapes!
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81. I want the tapes!
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82. I want the tapes now!
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83. And we are back
with Warren G.
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84. You about to feel
the And 1 Mix Tape.
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85. My baby's stuck
in those balloons!
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86. My baby!
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87. My baby's stuck
up in those balloons!
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88. Help, somebody help me!
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89. My baby's stuck
up in those balloons!
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90. Oh, my God!
Somebody help me!
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91. Help me, please!
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92. God, what a fool I was to put
my baby up in those balloons.
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93. They're gonna think
I'm a fool at work.
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94. Is the baby in the balloon
right now? You serious?
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95. Your baby's there, like —
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96. My baby!
Please, help me!
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97. Help me
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98. Help me get my baby!
Oh, God.
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99. I wonder if these handsome,
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100. athletic black men respect me.
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101. I wonder if they can help me
define success.
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102. I've achieved so much
yet gained so little.
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103. That's a camera,
that's a camera.
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104. Please, stop playing basketball
for five seconds
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105. and help me get my son down
from those balloons!
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106. Can you try to jump?
Jump up!
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107. Somebody help me please!
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108. Am I a man who
defines the corporate ethos,
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109. or does the corporate ethos
define me?
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110. Does my appearance
belie my interference?
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111. How will I coalesce evanescence
and didactic vivisections?
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112. Ladies and gentlemen, my next
guest is Ozzy's daughter,
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113. Kelly Osbourne.
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114. - Hey, how you doing?
- Good.
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115. What's going on with you,
girl?
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116. Wait,
am I stealing your seat?
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117. Or are we, like,
snuggling?
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118. - No, no. No, it's like a...
- Okay.
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119. There's major chemistry
between you two.
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120. How can you tell
in like five seconds?
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121. You ever heard of
love at first sight?
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122. No, I don't believe in it.
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123. - Oh!
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124. Oh, my God!
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125. I think that's one of
the new P.A.s.
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126. Uh, it says here in my notes
that Ozzy, your father,
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127. is famous for eating feces
on stage.
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128. - Not shit, you douche bag.
- No, it says it in my notes.
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129. It was animals heads,
specifically a bat's.
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130. - And feces.
- No shit, sorry.
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131. - In the Black Sabbath days.
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132. No, dude, what the
is wrong with you?
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133. You were the lead singer
of the Dazzle Girls.
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134. No, I was not.
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135. Dazzly-D.
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136. Dazzly-D.
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137. Do I make you Austin Powers,
baby?
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138. No.
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139. Were fascists fashionable?
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140. Like, you know, the Nazis,
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141. they had some P.R. troubles,
but they looked sharp.
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142. - Do you want some advice?
- Yeah.
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143. Don't with the Jews.
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144. Yeah the Jews.
You heard it hear first.
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145. No, other way around, darling.
Other way around.
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146. Kelly Osbourne
said it here first.
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147. If you're watching
the Jews.
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148. Yeah!
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149. Okay.
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150. It's time to eat out
a Georgia O'Keeffe painting.
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151. Oh, my God. You have so many
issues. Please, don't do that.
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152. I'm getting my red wings.
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153. This is shit!
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154. I need to leave here.
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155. hell.
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156. Oh, we have a report
about some...
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157. Don't you die on me!
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158. I'm trying to save her life.
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159. You're wasting time.
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160. Help me save her.
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161. I'm trying to revive her.
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162. I'm trying to revive her
through sex.
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163. Oh!
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164. My methods aren't sound,
but you got to trust me.
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165. Live, damn you, live!
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166. I'm using the Kama Sutra
to help this woman!
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167. Help, help me!
Help!
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168. I need help!
- What?
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169. I can't come with you
looking at me.
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170. Uh...
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171. I'm reviving her
with my penis!
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172. Sprite.
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173. It's for the kids!
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174. Okay, here to do the Abu Ghraib
Stand-Up Challenge,
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175. please welcome Jim Norton.
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176. Thank you.
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177. Here's how you know
Bill Cosby's guilty,
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178. 'cause Whoopi Goldberg
stopped defending him.
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179. First of all, what happened
to Whoopi Goldberg?
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180. She looks like KRS-One now.
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181. The Kardashians
are a weird family.
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182. I don't hate them.
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183. Kanye West
married into the family.
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184. It's the Guantanamo Babes!
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185. It's like Jane Lynch's —
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186. off!
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