1. Ladies and gentlemen,
"The Eric Andre Show"!
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2. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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3. Oh!
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4. Oh, shit!
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5. Ugh.
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6. You ever, um, uh,
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7. fall into, like,
a clinical depression?
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8. Uh, no.
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9. Do you have any medicine?
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10. Oh, hey, what up?
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11. It's my old pal Snakey!
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12. What up, Snakey?
- Hey, Eric.
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13. I'm here to be cool,
but also follow the rules!
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14. Yeah, I hear that.
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15. You could say I'm all ears.
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16. Snake ears, that is.
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17. Uh, what?
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18. What can I say?
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19. I was
poorly thought out!
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20. Oh, time
for a guitar solo!
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21. This show has gone
off the rails, man.
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22. Shut up, Hannibal,
ya dweeb.
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23. Yeah, shut up, Hannibal,
ya dweeb.
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24. I'm not a dweeb!
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25. Hey, dweeb.
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26. Hannibal, you're stupid.
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27. - Eric, stop it!
- I'm back, Hannibal.
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28. Hey, get the
out of here right now!
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29. Hey, hey!
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30. You like pizza, man?
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31. Hey, get the —
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32. Freeze!
Violation 4,000!
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33. I'm robo-rescue
for cyber-bulling.
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34. Huh?
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35. What?
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36. Hey, well, if you won't
come with me voluntarily,
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37. at least go
to YouJizz. cum.
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38. We upload
hot new vids daily.
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39. Oh, yeah.
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40. Oh, I've never seen
sicker vids in my life!
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41. Oh, yeah!
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42. Vids are making
my bone gush.
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43. Ew.
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44. Little mud slide.
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45. Uh, Howie Mandel is, uh...
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46. Get your little
Banana Republic ass
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47. over here,
you son of a bitch.
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48. - How are you?
- Good, how are you?
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49. - I'm doing great.
- Have a seat.
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50. And this looks like,
uh, when you go
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51. through those neighborhoods
and they have it —
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52. they throw out the chair.
- Mm-hmm.
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53. It doesn't look clean.
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54. Oh, what kind of neighborhoods
are you referring to?
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55. I wasn't — I —
no particular neighborhood,
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56. but I'm just saying
it looks filthy.
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57. Hey, uh, have a seat,
George Zimmerman.
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58. Um...
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59. First question,
Howie doing?
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60. I just —
it's a gift for me.
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61. Really good.
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62. I'm a big Howie Fandel.
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63. That's —
I was expecting that one.
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64. The other one was
a bit direct.
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65. Now, does "America Got Talent,"
or does America got entitlement?
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66. I mean,
are poor countries
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67. to economically depressed
to have talent?
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68. Why don't you do
"Rwanda's Got Talent"?
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69. - What about —
- I would imagine they do.
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70. It is the number-one
syndicated show in the world —
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71. In Rwanda?
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72. No, um — "Got talent."
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73. 'Cause Don Cheadle was in that
movie, and he was fantastic.
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74. Right.
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75. I mean, you got to get
Don Cheadle on the show.
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76. On "America's Got" —
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77. I got talent.
Can I be on the talent show?
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78. What are you doing now?
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79. Oh, shit!
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80. Whoa!
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81. I mean,
isn't that fantastic?
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82. Please, you sit.
I'll stand.
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83. I'll stay, I'm just —
I don't want to be that close.
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84. Now, you're a distant cousin
of Itzhak Perlman.
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85. - I am, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
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86. He's the —
he's an Israeli-American
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87. violinist and composer.
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88. He's a world-renowned
classical violinist,
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89. plays Hollywood Bowl
and Carnegie Hall and...
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90. What is it like having
a nerd cousin?
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91. Come on, dude,
that was a zinger.
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92. Violin?
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93. You had a talk show
back in the day?
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94. I did.
It was nothing like this.
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95. Did you have a little bitch-ass
co-host like Hannibal Buress?
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96. What the, man?
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97. I been supporting
your whack-ass jokes.
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98. What is that?
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99. What's up, guys?
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100. I'm Kraft Punk.
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101. This guy sucks.
- Come on, Kraft Punk.
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102. What is this?
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103. Oh, come on.
- Okay, all right!
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104. Check out my new hidden camera
show, "Kraft Dunk'd."
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105. Steal!
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106. Time to cheese it up.
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107. No!
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108. What the, man?
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109. - Whoa, man!
- Yes.
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110. Way to go!
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111. You just got
Kraft dunk'd.
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112. I'm trying to make
this guy comfortable.
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113. You made him uncomfortable.
- Awful vibes today.
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114. Get out of here!
- Get out, Kraft Punk.
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115. Get out of here.
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116. Wow.
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117. What is going on?
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118. This is
a nightmare.
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119. There's a bunch
of squid in here.
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120. Is this real?
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121. I'm Mike Penis.
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122. I'm named after my dad's penis.
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123. I get into every club.
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124. Guys, you got to get me
in the celebrity room.
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125. Hey, I'm — oh, no, no!
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126. I'm Mike Penis.
I'm Mike Penis!
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127. Come on, dude!
You're acting like Statham.
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128. - What?
- You're bending it like Beckham.
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129. Oh.
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130. Hey, whose list do
I got to be on, Schindler's?
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131. Do I got to wash out
you guys' ears with my dick?
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132. Hey, hey, hey,
do I got to call Tiesto?
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133. Hey, Siri, call T.
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134. P-E-N-I-S!
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135. I'm named after my dad's penis.
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136. I have hepatitis.
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137. I'm from hell!
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138. P-E-N-I-S.
I'm on the Red Boll Network.
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139. Brazzars.
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140. You know her
from "Basketball Wives."
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141. Malaysia Pargo.
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142. Oh.
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143. How are y'all doing?
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144. Are you a girl?
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145. I'm actually — I'm a woman.
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146. But, yes.
- Wow!
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147. Now, were you named
after that flight
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148. that fell apart
in the Indian Ocean?
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149. You know what,
it's a funny story —
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150. A.K.A.,
the world's toilet.
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151. So funny because —
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152. Girl, if you were an airplane,
you'd be Malaysia flight 69!
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153. - Uh, no.
- Or funny.
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154. How about —
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155. - Ooh.
- Oh.
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156. That is not safe.
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157. We got to get
it together, man.
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158. Just make sure there's
no more things —
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159. big ones over your head.
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160. If only one falls, that means —
that's the most that —
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161. when one falls,
usually no more falls.
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162. What?
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163. It's like —
it's like...
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164. - What?
- Oh, this thing.
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165. Oh, hold on.
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166. - Wait.
- Um...
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167. - I should get out of here.
- Uh...
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168. Is Dennis Rodman committing
treason because of his
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169. close ties to the despotic
leadership of North Korea?
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170. I don't know.
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171. Damn it, Malaysia,
answer me!
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172. Gosh.
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173. What, uh —
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174. - You tripping.
- You look stunningly beautiful.
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175. Because these are
Sergio Rossi.
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176. Hannibal!
You eat my sandwiches?
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177. - What? What?
- Huh?
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178. - Did you touch my cereal?
- What?
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179. What I tell you about
with my levels, boy?
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180. - Oh, brother!
- Whoo!
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181. - He's spitting.
- One, two, three!
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182. Man!
Damn!
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183. You look confused, boy!
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184. You ready to join
the army, nigga?
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185. - Nigga?
- Damn it!
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186. Don't say the N-word.
You know better.
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187. Damn it, what the
am I talking about?
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188. Whoo!
Hannibal!
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189. I'm ready
to change genders, boy!
Stop spitting on me.
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190. Yeah, I'm about
to join the lady army.
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191. - Then do it.
- You ready for that?
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192. I'm crazy!
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193. Hey, free samples.
Free samples of milk.
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194. Milk!
Free milk.
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195. Sure, it's got 23 essential
vitamins and minerals.
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196. It's straight from the source.
It's organic.
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197. - It's good milk.
- Vegan and gluten free.
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198. Yeah, chow down on it.
- Yeah.
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199. Here, you're getting it
right from the source.
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200. Oh, yeah.
Yes.
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201. You serious?
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202. It burns like acid.
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203. I'm strung out
on estrogen.
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204. You're gonna drink a cow's milk?
This is human milk.
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205. The only animal that drinks
another animal's milk.
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206. Oh, Jesus.
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207. - Oh, my God.
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208. - Oh, my God!
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209. - Cheers.
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210. Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight on the show,
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211. Flying Lotus
checks his e-mails!
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212. Oh!
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213. He's checking them,
he's checking them,
he's checking them,
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214. he's checking them.
he's checking them,
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215. he's checking them,
he's checking them!
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216. Oh, yeah!
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217. Are you
kidding me?
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218. Serious?
- Guitar!
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219. - Brother?
- Oh!
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220. What the
you doing, man?
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221. - Oh, I'm just check—
- This shit too God damn loud!
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222. Don't use that,
nigga?
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223. - Shit.
- God damn it!
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224. Damn it, damn it,
damn it!
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225. I got to quit
saying that word.
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226. Abso-lutely.
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227. - It's good milk.
- Vegan and gluten free.
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