The Eric Andre Show 3x1

Directed by

Seth Rogen as Self • Akira Asai as Self • Asa Akira as Self

Seth Rogen and Asa Akira are interviewed.

Request examples:

!req The Eric Andre Show 3x1 [02:32]
!req The Eric Andre Show 3x1 [The Eric Andre Show 3x1]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Eric Andre Show 3x1 [10-11]; !req The Eric Andre Show 3x1 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Ladies and gentlemen, it's

2. "the Eric Andre show"!

3. That's, uh, that's all i have

4. planned.

5. Are you kidding me,

6. man?

7. Do a monologue, dude!

8. Yeah, what's up, everybody?

9. Ah! Season 3, huh?

10. We made it!

11. The band's here!

12. Whoa. I...

13. got this guy.

14. Yeah, got a new 'do!

15. Yeah, what's up with your

16. hair, man?

17. Got it done like

18. katt Williams, baby!

19. Katt Williams?

20. More like fat Williams!

21. Next joke!

22. Katt Williams is very thin!

23. Which one is katt Williams?

24. Katt Williams!

25. Right. Right. Right.

26. Ah, man, so!

27. Season 3, right?

28. Uh, more like season pee.

29. Oh, Jesus, man!

30. Aah!

31. Aah!

32. So, uh, season 3, right?

33. Mm. More like season pee!

34. You already said that joke,

35. man!

36. Milk, milk, lemonade...

37. Are you my father?

38. What the is wrong

39. with you?

40. Fresh smoothies!

41. Care for a smoothie, miss?

42. Yeah, wh-what do you guys want?

43. Just tell me what you want.

44. Banana and mango.

45. Banana and mango?

46. Okay, sure.

47. Aaaaaaaaah!

48. Why did you ask for this?

49. Aaaaaaaaaaah!

50. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, he's

51. in movies!

52. Seth Rogen!

53. Oh, cool.

54. How's it going?

55. What's up, man?

56. Your dick is hanging out.

57. Yeah, oh, all right.

58. Ooh. X-y-z... examine your

59. zipper!

60. W-w-w-w-w-w-what's, what's your,

61. what's your, what's your

62. cellphone number?

63. Uh, what's my cellphone

64. number?

65. Can we... we'll just put it

66. up at the bottom.

67. If anybody has some comments,

68. questions about...

69. I don't want to do that.

70. About...

71. Please don't do that.

72. Uh, okay.

73. I want to talk about... you're

74. in love.

75. You have a wife.

76. I do, yeah.

77. Do you make... do you have

78. sex or you make love to that

79. poor woman?

80. Well, i don't know if she

81. considers herself a poor woman,

82. but yeah, we...

83. Not monetarily, just what

84. she's going... what you're

85. putting her through.

86. We have sex and make love.

87. Do you touch her boobies?

88. I do, yeah.

89. And she touches your pee-pee?

90. She does touch my pee-pee.

91. My penis, not my literal

92. pee-pee.

93. I don't piss on my wife if

94. that's what you're asking.

95. What's the most high you've

96. ever been?

97. What's the most high I've

98. ever been?

99. Uh, i don't know.

100. Sometimes I... when i get

101. high, i think this show is a

102. ploy for Eric to kill me.

103. But then i get sober and I'll

104. be like, "man, i was trippin'!"

105. I have something i actually

106. want to promote.

107. Can i do that?

108. All right, it is velcro time!

109. For velcro time, this is

110. where you put on a velcro suit,

111. jump off that trampoline, and

112. you will stick to the velcro

113. wall!

114. Didn't letterman do, like,

115. this exact bit for like 20

116. years?

117. If it works, it works!

118. All right, on your mark, get

119. set, go!

120. What happened?

121. Uh...

122. Come here!

123. What is this?

124. What do you think about

125. Eric Andre?

126. Eric Andre...

127. He's a scumbag!

128. Scumbag!

129. Dub-dub, ning-ning-ning, ha,

130. ha!

131. What are you doing?

132. It's ash Wednesday, dude,

133. come on!

134. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

135. Hey! Pizza!

136. Can i borrow your phone?

137. Oh, shit.

138. Yeah, really?

139. Hit the cop car.

140. All right, let's go.

141. Y'all spin around like

142. ballers.

143. Seething with jealousy, i am.

144. You're in movies.

145. I am.

146. I just booked a non-union,

147. regional ham commercial.

148. You don't see me bragging about

149. it on television.

150. I... you... i just did see

151. you brag about it on television.

152. You think Woody Allen should

153. get Chinese castrated so he

154. stops jerking off his ex-kids?

155. I don't know.

156. Oh, shit, shit, shit.

157. I got it, i got it, i got it, i

158. got it.

159. Sorry about that.

160. Ah, shit.

161. Oh!

162. Hey, get it together, man.

163. God damn it.

164. Sorry. Sorry.

165. We got it, we got it, we got

166. it.

167. You got it, you got it, you

168. got it, you got it, you got it,

169. you got it.

170. You're good.

171. So, Seth.

172. Yes.

173. Hey...

174. Oh, oh, oh.

175. You okay?

176. This art hurt me!

177. This art sucks!

178. You're living a lie!

179. You're living a lie!

180. Yeah, take it down!

181. You're living a lie!

182. This art is terrible!

183. Ladies and gentlemen, my next

184. guest, adult film star,

185. Asa Akira!

186. Hey, boo-boo!

187. How are you?

188. Good!

189. Thank you for having me.

190. You look beautiful.

191. Muah.

192. I love you. Grab a seat.

193. Make yourself comfortable.

194. Thank you. Thanks.

195. You look phenomenal.

196. Thanks.

197. What's your secret?

198. Uh, Botox.

199. Really!

200. Yeah. And I'm starving.

201. I wanna talk about

202. "Asian anal aces."

203. What?

204. Yeah.

205. Okay, yeah. I was in that.

206. Yeah, i mean...

207. We'll move on. We don't have to.

208. Do you have any questions for

209. me?

210. I mean, look at me.

211. I'm Awesome!

212. I thought you were

213. interviewing me.

214. I didn't prepare any questions.

215. I mean, hello!

216. You're on my show, and I'm

217. great!

218. Aren't you worried about

219. hurting yourself?

220. No.

221. Wait.

222. Like, during a colonic, or...?

223. Aah!

224. Aaah!

225. What the

226. Aah!

227. Aah!

228. I'm salad man!

229. Ah, geez, I'm like a lettuce,

230. kind of salad guy.

231. I don't know.

232. Or I'm whatever.

233. I can be whatever.

234. I can be lettuce.

235. You know what i mean?

236. I'm not into shit, no.

237. I'm not into shit.

238. Like, that's where I'll draw the

239. line.

240. I'll pay you...

241. like, i-i can... I'll play

242. with pee, but shit...

243. What if i paid you...

244. She plays with pee?

245. No.

246. $500.

247. No. No.

248. I got a question.

249. Do we have enough porn?

250. No.

251. I think there's enough.

252. N-no.

253. You want some dessert?

254. Oh, wow.

255. That looks delicious.

256. Have some.

257. I know you're on a diet.

258. "I don't eat."

259. Just eat.

260. Who are you gonna vote for?

261. Did you put ghb in this?

262. There's a little bit of ghb

263. in all of them.

264. Did you think i wasn't gonna

265. find you, mother

266. Huh?

267. What are you talking about, you

268. aren't the father?

269. I been hearing the word on the

270. street!

271. I don't care if you're down

272. here, working and shit!

273. What the hell is wrong with

274. you?

275. What is wrong with you, ancient

276. mother

277. Huh?

278. Don't stand there and look at me

279. like I'm stupid!

280. And I'll take it off and I'll

281. beat your ass!

282. Don't you ever go out there on

283. the street and say that you

284. ain't the father of my children

285. no more!

286. Do i make myself clear?

287. Do i? Huh?

288. Yeah.

289. You got me up!

290. Excuse me!

291. Got me real up!

292. Got me lookin' like a damn slave

293. out here!

294. I mean...

295. You can share this seat with

296. me if you want.

297. Are you sad?

298. Was that your wife?

299. Your girlfriend?

300. Mistress?

301. Sister?

302. It's just some bitch i

303. After i went to see

304. "raisin in the sun" starring

305. Denzel Washington.

306. Here we go again with this

307. Story!

308. Finder's keepers!

309. Ladies and gentlemen, my

310. final guest of the evening,

311. exhumed and the supremes!

312. ♪ ooooooh

313. ♪ I'll eat your corpse