The Eric Andre Show 1x10

Directed by

Ryan Phillippe as Self • Neil Charles as will.i.am

Eric terminates a baby-holding sketch prematurely and has an existential crisis.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"!

2. "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"!

3. UGGGGH. SO, UH, CAUGHT AN EPISODE OF

4. SO, UH, CAUGHT AN EPISODE OF "THE WALKING DEAD" THE OTHER

5. SO, UH, CAUGHT AN EPISODE OF "THE WALKING DEAD" THE OTHER DAY.

6. "THE WALKING DEAD" THE OTHER DAY. YOU GUYS SEEN THIS SHOW?

7. DAY. YOU GUYS SEEN THIS SHOW? I SAID, "UM, WHAT IS THIS?

8. YOU GUYS SEEN THIS SHOW? I SAID, "UM, WHAT IS THIS? ME BEFORE MY MORNING COFFEE?"

9. I SAID, "UM, WHAT IS THIS? ME BEFORE MY MORNING COFFEE?"

10. ME BEFORE MY MORNING COFFEE?"

11. UH-OH. THERE HE IS.

12. UH-OH. THERE HE IS. THERE'S HANNIBAL.

13. THERE'S THE MAN. 100 GRAND.

14. HOW'S THE WIFE? HOW'S THE KIDS, BUDDY? WIFE IS GOOD. KIDS ARE GREAT.

15. HOW'S THE KIDS, BUDDY? WIFE IS GOOD. KIDS ARE GREAT. AH, I LOVE THOSE KIDS.

16. WIFE IS GOOD. KIDS ARE GREAT. AH, I LOVE THOSE KIDS. THOSE ARE SOME TASTY-ASS KIDS,

17. AH, I LOVE THOSE KIDS. THOSE ARE SOME TASTY-ASS KIDS, HUH?

18. THOSE ARE SOME TASTY-ASS KIDS, HUH? REAL LIP-LICKERS, THOSE KIDS,

19. HUH? REAL LIP-LICKERS, THOSE KIDS, RIGHT?

20. REAL LIP-LICKERS, THOSE KIDS, RIGHT? MMM!

21. RIGHT? MMM! I WANT TO DEVOUR THEM.

22. MMM! I WANT TO DEVOUR THEM.

23. I WANT TO DEVOUR THEM.

24. OHH.

25. OHH.

26. OHH.

27. OH, MAN.

28. OH, MAN. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I WANT TO DO?

29. OH, MAN. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I WANT TO DO? I WANT TO PENETRATE YOUR WIFE.

30. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I WANT TO DO? I WANT TO PENETRATE YOUR WIFE. WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP,

31. I WANT TO PENETRATE YOUR WIFE. WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP.

32. WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP. LITERALLY.

33. WHOMP, WHOMP. LITERALLY.

34. LITERALLY. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND

35. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAINST HER WILL!

36. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAINST HER WILL!

37. OVER AGAINST HER WILL!

38. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

39. HI. CAN I HOLD YOUR BABY?

40. HE DON'T WANT.

41. NO? OKAY.

42. HA HA.

43. I'M NOT GRABBING PEOPLE'S

44. BABIES.

45. CAN I HOLD ALL YOUR BABIES?

46. HEE HEE HEE.

47. I DON'T WANT TO DISRUPT

48. FAMILY TIME.

49. CAN I HOLD YOUR BABY?

50. YAY!

51. YAY!

52. I DON'T EVEN LIKE TALKING TO

53. PEOPLE DURING THE DAYTIME.

54. HOW MANY BABIES YOU GOT SO

55. FAR?

56. IT'S NOT MY TYPE OF GAME.

57. MAYBE ERIC IS A WARMER SOUL THAN

58. ME.

59. ERIC IS JUST LOUDER. THAT'S ALL.

60. EXCUSE ME.

61. CAN I HOLD YOUR BABY?

62. NO!

63. I DON'T LIKE

64. THIS BIT, MAN.

65. I HATE THIS BIT. I HATE IT.

66. I'M DONE. I'M DONE. I'M DONE WITH THE BIT. I FEEL GOOD.

67. I'M DONE WITH THE BIT. I FEEL GOOD. I MADE A KID CRY.

68. I FEEL GOOD. I MADE A KID CRY. WE'RE GOING TO HELL.

69. I MADE A KID CRY. WE'RE GOING TO HELL. WE'RE GOING TO HELL.

70. WE'RE GOING TO HELL. WE'RE GOING TO HELL.

71. WE'RE GOING TO HELL. OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

72. OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS RYAN PHILLIPPE!

73. OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS RYAN PHILLIPPE!

74. ALL RIGHT! YES!

75. HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M GREAT, MAN. THANK YOU. NICE.

76. I'M GREAT, MAN. THANK YOU. NICE. I WANT TO TALK — YOU'RE FROM

77. NICE. I WANT TO TALK — YOU'RE FROM DELAWARE ORIGINALLY!

78. I WANT TO TALK — YOU'RE FROM DELAWARE ORIGINALLY!

79. DELAWARE ORIGINALLY! I'M FROM DELAWARE!

80. I'M FROM DELAWARE! YEAH, YE—

81. I'M FROM DELAWARE! YEAH, YE— UH, "GOSFORD PARK"!

82. YEAH, YE— UH, "GOSFORD PARK"! YEAH!

83. UH, "GOSFORD PARK"! YEAH! YOU WERE IN THAT MOVIE!

84. YEAH! YOU WERE IN THAT MOVIE! I WAS!

85. YOU WERE IN THAT MOVIE! I WAS! CONGRATS ON THAT!

86. I WAS! CONGRATS ON THAT! WHAT?

87. CONGRATS ON THAT! WHAT? CONGRATULATIONS!

88. WHAT? CONGRATULATIONS! THANK YOU, MAN!

89. CONGRATULATIONS! THANK YOU, MAN!

90. THANK YOU, MAN! ARE THEY GONNA — ARE THEY GONNA

91. ARE THEY GONNA — ARE THEY GONNA COOL IT DOWN OR WHAT?

92. ARE THEY GONNA — ARE THEY GONNA COOL IT DOWN OR WHAT? NAME ALL THE ACTRESSES YOU'VE

93. COOL IT DOWN OR WHAT? NAME ALL THE ACTRESSES YOU'VE EVER SLEPT WITH!

94. NAME ALL THE ACTRESSES YOU'VE EVER SLEPT WITH! JUST RATTLE THEM OFF!

95. EVER SLEPT WITH! JUST RATTLE THEM OFF!

96. JUST RATTLE THEM OFF! EVERY SINGLE ONE!

97. EVERY SINGLE ONE! GO! TOP 10!

98. EVERY SINGLE ONE! GO! TOP 10!

99. GO! TOP 10! GOOD JOB, GUYS. GREAT JOB.

100. GOOD JOB, GUYS. GREAT JOB. OKAY.

101. GOOD JOB, GUYS. GREAT JOB. OKAY. UH, JU— YOU THINK I SHOULD

102. OKAY. UH, JU— YOU THINK I SHOULD JOIN Linkedln?

103. UH, JU— YOU THINK I SHOULD JOIN Linkedln? Linkedln... UM...

104. JOIN Linkedln? Linkedln... UM... WELL, IT DEPENDS ON, UH...

105. Linkedln... UM... WELL, IT DEPENDS ON, UH... ARE — ARE — DO YOU FEEL LIKE

106. WELL, IT DEPENDS ON, UH... ARE — ARE — DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE PROFESSIONALLY IN THE

107. ARE — ARE — DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE PROFESSIONALLY IN THE RIGHT SORT OF PLACE OR WHERE YOU

108. YOU'RE PROFESSIONALLY IN THE RIGHT SORT OF PLACE OR WHERE YOU WANT TO BE OR...

109. RIGHT SORT OF PLACE OR WHERE YOU WANT TO BE OR... YOU STILL GOT YOUR FORESKIN?

110. WANT TO BE OR... YOU STILL GOT YOUR FORESKIN? NO.

111. YOU STILL GOT YOUR FORESKIN? NO.

112. NO. I JUST GOT MINE OFF A FEW

113. I JUST GOT MINE OFF A FEW MONTHS AGO.

114. I JUST GOT MINE OFF A FEW MONTHS AGO. OY.

115. MONTHS AGO. OY. OY.

116. OY. OY. I DID IT REAL FREEHAND WITH A

117. OY. I DID IT REAL FREEHAND WITH A CREDIT CARD, TOO.

118. I DID IT REAL FREEHAND WITH A CREDIT CARD, TOO. FSHH!

119. CREDIT CARD, TOO. FSHH! OH.

120. FSHH! OH. I HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE.

121. OH. I HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE. I'M UNABLE TO MASTURBATE.

122. I HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE. I'M UNABLE TO MASTURBATE. I'M COMPLETELY BACKED UP.

123. I'M UNABLE TO MASTURBATE. I'M COMPLETELY BACKED UP. I LOST MY JOB.

124. I'M COMPLETELY BACKED UP. I LOST MY JOB. I LOST MY LICENSE.

125. I LOST MY JOB. I LOST MY LICENSE. I WAS SLEEPING IN THE SHOWER

126. I LOST MY LICENSE. I WAS SLEEPING IN THE SHOWER STANDING UP, LIKE A HORSE.

127. I WAS SLEEPING IN THE SHOWER STANDING UP, LIKE A HORSE. YEAH, YOU BUMMIN' US OUT, YO.

128. STANDING UP, LIKE A HORSE. YEAH, YOU BUMMIN' US OUT, YO. IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, ERIC.

129. YEAH, YOU BUMMIN' US OUT, YO. IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, ERIC. IT'S ABOUT THE GUESTS.

130. IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, ERIC. IT'S ABOUT THE GUESTS. IT'S ABOUT THIS SHOW.

131. IT'S ABOUT THE GUESTS. IT'S ABOUT THIS SHOW. WELL, I'VE BEEN THROUGH A

132. IT'S ABOUT THIS SHOW. WELL, I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT.

133. WELL, I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT. I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT.

134. LOT. I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT. FAME IS — FAME IS, UH...

135. I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT. FAME IS — FAME IS, UH... FLEETING, YOU KNOW?

136. FAME IS — FAME IS, UH... FLEETING, YOU KNOW? IT'S — IT'S NOT EASY.

137. FLEETING, YOU KNOW? IT'S — IT'S NOT EASY. IT'S A LOT OF E-MAILS, A LOT OF

138. IT'S — IT'S NOT EASY. IT'S A LOT OF E-MAILS, A LOT OF BIRTHDAY CARDS I GOT TO SIGN...

139. IT'S A LOT OF E-MAILS, A LOT OF BIRTHDAY CARDS I GOT TO SIGN... THANK-YOU CARDS.

140. BIRTHDAY CARDS I GOT TO SIGN... THANK-YOU CARDS. I DON'T CALL PEOPLE BACK AS MUCH

141. THANK-YOU CARDS. I DON'T CALL PEOPLE BACK AS MUCH ANYMORE.

142. I DON'T CALL PEOPLE BACK AS MUCH ANYMORE. I'M KIND OF JUST — I'M LOST.

143. ANYMORE. I'M KIND OF JUST — I'M LOST. I'M JUST COMPLETELY LOST.

144. I'M KIND OF JUST — I'M LOST. I'M JUST COMPLETELY LOST. COMPLETELY LOST.

145. I'M JUST COMPLETELY LOST. COMPLETELY LOST. COOL.

146. COMPLETELY LOST. COOL.

147. TOTO, MI MAYO. TOTO, MI MAYO. TOTO, MI MAYO.

148. AH! EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT! WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE

149. WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE AWARENESS.

150. WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE AWARENESS. ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A CLIP OF

151. AWARENESS. ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A CLIP OF YOUR NEW MOVIE.

152. ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A CLIP OF YOUR NEW MOVIE. UH... CHECK IT OUT.

153. DAMN YOU, POLIO!

154. DAMN YOU, POLIO!

155. COOL.

156. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW HIM FROM THE BLACK EYED PEAS.

157. KNOW HIM FROM THE BLACK EYED PEAS. PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR will.i.am!

158. BLACK EYED PEAS. PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR will.i.am!

159. ALL RIGHT! YES!

160. OH, Y-YOU'RE ON TOUR NOW. YOU GOT A NEW TOUR COMING —

161. OH, Y-YOU'RE ON TOUR NOW. YOU GOT A NEW TOUR COMING — COMING OUT.

162. YOU GOT A NEW TOUR COMING — COMING OUT. W-WHEN DO YOU START THAT?

163. COMING OUT. W-WHEN DO YOU START THAT? WHAT'S YOUR FIRST, UH, DATE?

164. W-WHEN DO YOU START THAT? WHAT'S YOUR FIRST, UH, DATE? [ MODEM DIALS, BEEPS, HISSES ]

165. NOW, will.i.am, YOU LOOK MAD NICE. LOT OF LADIES IN YOUR LIFE?

166. NICE. LOT OF LADIES IN YOUR LIFE?

167. YEAH. YEAH.

168. YEAH. YEAH. HEY, HOW HAS THE '90s RAVE

169. YEAH. HEY, HOW HAS THE '90s RAVE CULTURE INFLUENCED YOUR LOOK AND

170. HEY, HOW HAS THE '90s RAVE CULTURE INFLUENCED YOUR LOOK AND SOUND?

171. CULTURE INFLUENCED YOUR LOOK AND SOUND? I DIDN'T WRITE THESE.

172. SOUND? I DIDN'T WRITE THESE.

173. I DIDN'T WRITE THESE.

174. YES! YES! YES!

175. YES! YES! YES! YES!

176. [ THEME MUSIC PLAYS, DISTORTED ] LADIES AND GENTL— LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT —

177. LADIES AND GENTL— LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT —

178. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT — LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEXT

179. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEXT MUSICAL ACT IS ME!

180. TELL ME, MAGIC BALL — AM I EVER GONNA MAKE IT?

181. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"? I HAVE NEVER WATCHED THAT

182. "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"? I HAVE NEVER WATCHED THAT ONE.

183. I HAVE NEVER WATCHED THAT ONE. I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING

184. ONE. I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.

185. I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. I HAVEN'T HEARD OF HIS SHOW.

186. ABOUT HIM. I HAVEN'T HEARD OF HIS SHOW. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOOD OR

187. I HAVEN'T HEARD OF HIS SHOW. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOOD OR BAD.

188. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOOD OR BAD. I KNOW NOTHING.

189. BAD. I KNOW NOTHING. YOU KNOW, A REAL TALENTED

190. I KNOW NOTHING. YOU KNOW, A REAL TALENTED BROTHER THAT, YOU KNOW, HAD A

191. YOU KNOW, A REAL TALENTED BROTHER THAT, YOU KNOW, HAD A MESSED-UP CHILDHOOD AND USED A

192. BROTHER THAT, YOU KNOW, HAD A MESSED-UP CHILDHOOD AND USED A LOT OF STUFF AND HAD A BAD

193. MESSED-UP CHILDHOOD AND USED A LOT OF STUFF AND HAD A BAD DOCTOR.

194. LOT OF STUFF AND HAD A BAD DOCTOR. WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU IMPROVE

195. DOCTOR. WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU IMPROVE ABOUT THE SHOW?

196. WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU IMPROVE ABOUT THE SHOW? IT NEEDS MORE

197. ABOUT THE SHOW? IT NEEDS MORE FUNNY PEOPLE IN IT.

198. IT NEEDS MORE FUNNY PEOPLE IN IT. I DON'T SEE ENOUGH FUNNY PEOPLE.

199. FUNNY PEOPLE IN IT. I DON'T SEE ENOUGH FUNNY PEOPLE. OH, WOW.

200. I DON'T SEE ENOUGH FUNNY PEOPLE. OH, WOW. YEAH.

201. OH, WOW. YEAH. IT'S NOT MAKING ME LAUGH THAT

202. YEAH. IT'S NOT MAKING ME LAUGH THAT MUCH.

203. IT'S NOT MAKING ME LAUGH THAT MUCH. I NEED TO STAY UP.

204. MUCH. I NEED TO STAY UP. OKAY.

205. I NEED TO STAY UP. OKAY. IT'S MAKING ME SLEEPY.

206. OKAY. IT'S MAKING ME SLEEPY.

207. MAKES ME FEEL HURT. ANY OTHER

208. HURT. ANY OTHER EMOTIONS COME TO MIND?

209. ANY OTHER EMOTIONS COME TO MIND? NO.

210. EMOTIONS COME TO MIND? NO. IT DON'T MAKE ME FEEL DEPRESSED

211. NO. IT DON'T MAKE ME FEEL DEPRESSED OR SAD.

212. IT DON'T MAKE ME FEEL DEPRESSED OR SAD. IT JUST... HURTS.

213. OR SAD. IT JUST... HURTS. IT HURTS?

214. IT JUST... HURTS. IT HURTS? IT HURTS.

215. IT HURTS? IT HURTS. "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW" HURTS.

216. IT HURTS. "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW" HURTS.

217. "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW" HURTS. IS HE A MYSTERY?

218. IS HE A MYSTERY? IS HE A CARTOON CHARACTER?

219. IS HE A MYSTERY? IS HE A CARTOON CHARACTER? IS HE REAL?

220. IS HE A CARTOON CHARACTER? IS HE REAL? MM, NOT FAMILIAR WITH

221. IS HE REAL? MM, NOT FAMILIAR WITH "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW."

222. MM, NOT FAMILIAR WITH "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW." I'VE NEVER

223. "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW." I'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

224. I'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM. HE DOESN'T EXIST.

225. HEARD OF HIM. HE DOESN'T EXIST. HE DOESN'T EXIST.

226. HE DOESN'T EXIST. HE DOESN'T EXIST. HE DOESN'T EXIST.

227. HE DOESN'T EXIST. HE DOESN'T EXIST. HE DOESN'T EXIST.

228. HE DOESN'T EXIST. HE DOESN'T EXIST.