The Eric Andre Show 1x1

Directed by

Dolph Lundgren as Self • David Haskin as George Clooney

Eric begins the show without any idea of what to do. Eric and Hannibal play "This or That".

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ladies and gentlemen, "the Eric Andre show"!

3. My hands!

5. Ugh!

8. That's, uh -- that's all I had planned for the, uh -- for the show.

9. What should I, uh -- what should

10. I do now?

11. I don't know.

12. Do a monologue or something.

13. Yeah, okay. I got that.

14.

15. All right, so, uh...

16. Michael Jackson?

17. He -- he hasn't been in the news

18. too much lately, right?

19.

20. It's like, where you hiding,

21. Jacko?

22. He's dead, man.

23. Are you serious?

24. I'm -- don't look -- work the

25. crowd, man.

26. Don't look at me.

27. All right, all right,

28. whatever.

29. So, uh, um, Beyoncé, she's,

30. uh -- she's trying to trim down

31. on that baby fat.

32.

33. Saw her without her shirt on,

34. I was like, whoo, who's that

35. woman with six tits like a dog?

36. What?

37. I was like...

38.

39. Honk, honk.

40. Wait a minute.

41. You for real think that those

42. words that you just said should

43. be on television?

44.

45. I'm dying. We all are.

46.

47. Congratulations!

48. Ladies and gentlemen, america's favorite leading man, George Clooney!

49. Come on out, yeah!

50. There he is.

51. There he is. Yes, okay.

52. Before you take a seat, could -- could you start out doing some of your award-winning stand-up

53. comedy for us?

54. Come on up there.

55. Uh, well, award-winning --

56. I don't know.

57. Let's see here. Uh, hmm.

58. Uh...

59.

60. You know, when I'm sparring with my buddies -- Brad and the boys -- we don't do a lot of,

61. uh, karate, "hyah, hyah."

62. We explore more like lovers,

63. you know?

64. It's like a bonding and rolling

65. around, you know.

66. But --

67. great, great, great.

68. Thank you.

69.

70. Excellent.

71. So, you told me last time a

72. little bit about your --

73. your wife.

74. It's funny when you --

75. you fall in love with someone,

76. and the first night was wild,

77. so, you know, we, uh -- no

78. question in our mind.

79. We were done. We hooked up.

80. Oh, wow.

81. First night? First night?

82. Yeah, yeah.

83. First night?

84. Oh!

85. Ow!

86.

87.

88. It took me a while for --to

89. teach her English.

90. Whoa.

91. Do you believe in god?

92. God is everything -- you

93. know, the mountains, the

94. ocean...

95. Sorry to backtrack.

96. You said that you had to teach

97. her English.

98. ...bright water...

99. But you smashed the first

100. night, so...

101. I -- right now I have a

102. squirrel always coming to my

103. house, and it's always knocking

104. on the door...

105. What did you do to smash if

106. you couldn't speak English to

107. her?

108. ...kind of like, you know,

109. I'm just wondering, maybe that's

110. my mom.

111.

112. Oh, I think -- oh, yes, we're

113. going to do the coffee

114. challenge.

115. Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

116. All right, here you go.

117. Coffee challenge. Don't be shy. Slam it?

118. As much as you can do.

119. Slam it.

120. Are you kidding? Oh, black?

121. Chug, chug, chug, chug, yeah.

122. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,

123. chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

124.

125. Glad we got a table here. Yeah. Yeah. All right! Nice.

126. All right, I'm back. Okay.

127. Excellent, excellent.

128. Now you're back, baby.

129. All right, how was that for you?

130. That was good.

131. That was great.

132. Gun to your head, who would

133. you rather have sex with -- your

134. mom or your dad?

135. Whoo! [ Laughs ]

136.

137. This is our flag. Oh, lord. Oh, lord.

138. Oh, lord. Oh, lord. Oh, lord. Hide us! Hide me!

139. Hide me, man! Hide me, man!

140. Hide us! Somebody hide us!

141. Hide us! Hide us! Hide us!

142. Hide us!

143. Aah!

144. Don't forget them slaves! Look out, here they come!

145. Why is everybody watching?

146. You're not the boss of me!

147.

148. Oh, lord! Oh, lord!

149. And we're back with George Clooney. Let's talk about your new movie.

150. ♪ The waters from the tallest

151. mountain in the world ♪

152. ♪ flows through the delta to

153. the sea ♪

154. ♪ our empire ♪

155. ♪ the center of our river

156. life ♪

157. ♪ you know what you do is

158. wrong ♪

159. That was hella boring.

160.

161. Whoo.

162. This next guest you've seen on "vampire in Brooklyn."

163. Please give it up for --

164. it's time to play "this or

165. that?"

166.

167. Contestants, are you ready?

168. No.

169.

170. Yoga or tai chi?

171. Tai chi?

172.

173. Sorry. We could not hear you.

174. Hot coffee to the face!

175. Aah! Oh! Oh, my god!

176. Next question.

177. Molested or genius?

178. Oh, my god.

179. Oh. Oh.

180. Lettuce.

181.

182. I didn't see the --

183. oh, come on, man!

184. How does this game even work?!

185. Cloaca or cochlea?

186. Oh, my god.

187. Cochlea?

188. I don't even know what those

189. words mean, man!

190.

191. Aah!

192.

193.

194.

195. Eric, drink this milk and

196. tell us, is it fresh or spoiled?

197. What?

198. Ugh! Definitely spoiled!

199.

200. God! Oh!

201. Ow! Oh!

202. Yo, you owe me 3,000 bucks,

203. son.

204. What?

205.

206. Aah!

207.

208. Ah, a man who needs no introduction -- please give it

209. up for dolph lundgren,

210. everybody!

211. Yay.

212.

213. Okay. All right. There he is.

214. How are you? Yeah. Dolph daddy!

215. I love boyz ii men.

216.

217.

218. I'm very excited.

219. Thanks, man.

220. You -- you aged -- you aged

221. amazing.

222. How do you -- what's your

223. secret?

224. You must eat a [bleep] ton

225. of vitamins.

226. No, I got, like, those viking

227. genetics to just like -- a bunch

228. of, like, rapists and pillagers,

229. you know, but from Sweden, you

230. know?

231. I've always told Hannibal I

232. knew you had rapist blood.

233. I got it.

234.

235. And you were in "he-man."

236. Yep.

237. You ever been inside a

238. she-man?

239. Are you kidding me?

240. It was the '70s.

241. It was fun -- let's put it

242. that way -- for a Swedish kid

243. who, you know, used to do

244. chemical engineering.

245. It was -- it was -- it was a big

246. change, that's for sure.

247. How many chemicals are there?

248. How many chemicals?

249. Well, there are, you know, how

250. many elements, which...

251. 67.

252. ...there's about 104, I

253. think, or something like that...

254. Yeah.

255. ...if I remember correctly.

256. 2.

257. What are you -- you're very

258. spiritual.

259. No, you're not.

260. You're -- you're a hard-core

261. atheist -- nihilist.

262. I think buddhism is kind of

263. cool because they -- they think

264. you should learn something every

265. time you come back.

266. Yeah.

267. You know?

268. My granddad is reincarnated.

269. Yeah. Huh?

270. He -- he reincarnated as all

271. water, my granddad.

272. That's cool.

273. At least he's wet, you know?

274. Yeah.

275. [ Muffled ] Oh, want some?

276. I'm gonna make a little pillow,

277. you know?

278.

279. Welcome to hell! Aah!

280. Man, why'd you go and scare

281. my girl like that, man?

282. You're the one-millionth

283. person to use this garbage can.

284. Oh, my god.

285. Something wrong with you,

286. man, standing in garbage cans?

287. Trying to give somebody a heart

288. attack?

289. No.

290. Huh?

291. I booked tonight's musical

292. act before I remembered I

293. already booked another musical

294. act for the night, so without

295. any further ado, please welcome

296. modern time machines and

297. retaliate.

298.

299.

300.

301.