The Critic 2x9

Directed by Bret Haaland

Alice's sister, Miranda, comes to visit them which Alice is not comfortable with. Miranda must find work in New York so she joins "Mattress in an Hour" delivering mattresses. When everybody attends a party held by Duke, Miranda falls in love with Duke but is shy because of a wrinkle. She runs out on Duke at midnight and Duke must find the woman who fits her slipper. When it turns out to be Doris, Jay must get Duke and Miranda reunited.

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!req The Critic 2x9 [02:32]
!req The Critic 2x9 [The Critic 2x9]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Critic 2x9 [10-11]; !req The Critic 2x9 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Hello.

2. Jay, this is your inner child.

3. I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store.

4. Gotta go!

5. It stinks.

6. Our last film is a remake of guess who's coming to dinner

7. starring Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson.

8. Lisa Marie, honey, who's your new girlfriend?

9. He's my husband.

10. Now, honey, you two don't go together,

11. just like whipped cream and pork chops.

12. Here's your pork chops and whipped cream, king.

13. Thank you. Thank you very much.

14. Daddy, you don't like Michael just 'cause his skin's a different color.

15. No, it isn't.

16. I have a soft spot for this movie.

17. You see, I once worked as a Elvis impersonator and...

18. Well, here's a clip.

19. Ladies and gentlemen,

20. Elvis impersonator, Jay sherman.

21. Show's over.

22. Jay sherman has left the building.

23. Hey!

24. And... Cut.

25. Listen, could I get out early today?

26. My sister's comin' for a visit and I've got to tidy up.

27. Hey, I'll come with you and give you a hand.

28. Good news, jelly-belly,

29. you've moved up to 5th in your time slot.

30. Now, you're beating the-man- with-his-tongue-stuck- to-an-ice-cube-tray channel.

31. Tonight our guest is Dr. Henry kissinger.

32. Nice to be here, ed.

33. I think you should know a little about my sister

34. before she gets here.

35. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job.

36. My sister and I have never really gotten along.

37. Randa was better than me at everything.

38. Oh! Silly me. I'll just take it off.

39. Mmm...

40. Eh... oh!

41. Yo! The bus from Knoxville has arrived.

42. You'll know randa when you see her.

43. Bonjour, y'all.

44. I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

45. Then you're in the wrong place, toots.

46. This is New York. Now, I'm off to my job.

47. English Professor at N.Y. "Youse."

48. Hmm.

49. Hello, Alice.

50. I can see New York's done wonders for your appetite.

51. Jay sherman, this is my sister, randa.

52. Miranda tompkins, at your service.

53. Miranda's named after the heroine of the tempest.

54. I'm named after Alice kramden on the honeymooners.

55. We were both lucky compared to brother bisquick.

56. Now, if I can find a Porter...

57. Sir, pardon me. Might I ask...

58. Hon', if you're going to live here,

59. you're going to have to learn a few new languages.

60. Excuse me, but for another cab you could wait, maybe?

61. Here. Take and be healthy.

62. My, what a perfectly...

63. Little apartment.

64. Mama, aunt randa's going to teach me

65. to giggle stupidly to make men do my bidding.

66. Oh!

67. Please, randa, lets not make this

68. any more like a streetcar named desire than it has to be.

69. Alice. Alice!

70. What we got here is napoleonic code,

71. which means I get to eat as many napoleons as I can find.

72. So, randa, what brings you to New York?

73. I'm here to catch a rich husband.

74. Jay, you look like you're riding pretty high on the hog.

75. No, well... Just take a look at the size of my wallet.

76. Isn't that your wallet on the table, there?

77. Ew!

78. Look, randa, you're a very attractive woman,

79. but I love Alice and nothing's going to change that.

80. Fine. I'll find myself a millionaire

81. with a less preposterous posterior.

82. Now, you must understand...

83. I only want you for your body.

84. I like a man who likes the way I look.

85. You don't understand. I need a liver transplant

86. with a kidney chaser.

87. God, I'm funny!

88. What's wrong, date?

89. I get the feeling

90. you're not the least bit interested in me.

91. I think you're the most gorgeous creature alive.

92. Those lips... those eyes... That rugged 5:00 shadow...

93. The old maid at the table will pay my check.

94. Oh, pooh!

95. Vlada, you darling, little foreign man.

96. Come sit down and tell me how y'all are.

97. Sorry, pretty lady.

98. Vlada's souffle hasn't risen in years.

99. I don't know why Jay didn't mention

100. his rich Uncle sooner, Mr. sherman.

101. He sounds perfect for me.

102. Well, brother Hannibal is a bit touched in the head.

103. Oh, Hannibal?

104. Hello, randa. You look good enough to eat.

105. Now, that's fast food.

106. Anyway, Alice's birthday is coming up,

107. I'd like to buy her a present.

108. Uh-huh. I want to get her just the right thing.

109. You kissed her yet?

110. Yes.

111. Do you love her?

112. Yes.

113. Get a tattoo with her name in it.

114. That's what I did with my true love.

115. Unsettling, isn't it?

116. Very.

117. Alice, in honor of your birthday...

118. A diamond locket.

119. There's a picture of me inside.

120. Jay, honey...

121. Couldn't you have picked a more flattering picture?

122. No. Well, I love it.

123. You make me so happy.

124. Jay, I'm lonely. Come talk to me.

125. Randa, it's Alice's night.

126. Stop making yourself the center of attention!

127. Me? I ask you lovely people

128. am I making myself the center of attention?

129. Do you always have to hog the spotlight?

130. Can't you let...

131. Alice...

132. Who's sitting here with me, have one night?

133. What kind of a sister are you?

134. I will not be talked to that way.

135. I resent you hogging the spotlight

136. at the state of the union address.

137. But Hillary, honey, I'm the president.

138. Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.

139. God bless daddy and Uncle bisquick,

140. and please give momma the butt lift

141. aunt randa says she needs so desperately.

142. I am sick and tired of you livin' under my roof,

143. eatin' my food, and a-treatin' me like dirt.

144. Very well. I can do just fine

145. on the streets of New York by myself.

146. Never insult the cheesecake at lindy's.

147. Randa, you can stay,

148. but tomorrow you're going out to get a job

149. and start earning your keep around here.

150. All right, it's not like I'm going to find a millionaire.

151. I guess my life's not going to have

152. a fairy tale endin' after all.

153. Oh, hide me! I'm being chased by 3 bears.

154. There's a dispute over some porridge. Don't ask questions.

155. Oh, Jay, don't tease.

156. Vlada, if I'm going to stay in New York,

157. I really need a job. Could I be your hostess?

158. Now, if you wish to be vlada's hostess,

159. you must know who is hot and who is not.

160. If David letterman and Regis philbin

161. both want the last table, which one gets it?

162. Letterman.

163. Good. Deforest kelley or a mangy yellow dog?

164. Hmm... the dog?

165. Sorry!

166. Damn it, I'm a man, not a dog.

167. Now, if you want to work here at the New York post,

168. you must know that we insert

169. the following words into every headline:

170. "Headless,"nude," "sewage," and "governor."

171. For instance, "subway fares raised"

172. becomes "headless governor found nude in subway sewage."

173. What about the fares?

174. You're fired.

175. Here at mattress in an hour,

176. we deliver mattresses in an hour.

177. I'll do it.

178. Please, I've got to have this job.

179. All right. You're hired, sweet cheeks.

180. Um... isn't that sexual harassment?

181. Actually, the New York supreme court ruled that it is not.

182. Hey, baby, I got something under my robes for you.

183. Hey, how'd you like to bang my gavel, sweetheart?

184. You want to see a learned hand?

185. Hah!

186. I'm exhausted.

187. Today I had to deliver a mattress to Madonna.

188. Then another one. Then another one. Then another one.

189. Then another one.

190. Oh, I almost forgot. It's time for Jay's show.

191. Next up: One of America's favorite comedians

192. stars in a remake of a classic film,

193. rebel without a cosby.

194. You see, the knife is a good thing

195. for slicin' and dicin',

196. but it's not so good for pointin' at me,

197. the coz', see?

198. You should get yourself a spoon

199. and fill it with jell-o pudding.

200. Comedians sticking themselves in classic films?

201. What's next? Dr. strangelovitz?

202. Wait a minute. That's a brilliant idea.

203. Hello, Hollywood? Here's the pitch:

204. Dr. strangelovitz.

205. He's a character actor.

206. No, I don't think he died.

207. Jay, I'd like to invite you to my spring costume ball.

208. It's to benefit Duke Phillips' agricultural institute.

209. We use nuclear technology to grow

210. fresher tomatoes, bigger carrots...

211. And potatoes that play the bagpipes.

212. Wow, he's Southern, he's a billionaire,

213. he commands an army of mutant produce.

214. I think I'm in love.

215. Alice, can I go to Duke's ball with you?

216. No. I will not give you the chance to upstage me

217. in front of all my friends and co-workers.

218. Please, Alice, this is my last chance at happiness.

219. You've got so much: A beautiful daughter,

220. a good job, your boyfriend,

221. with his unique interpretation of masculinity.

222. All right, I have to admit it. I'm jealous of you.

223. You? Of me?

224. Yes!

225. All right, you can come to the ball.

226. Hey, what happened to the giant potato?

227. I don't know.

228. Jay, where did you park?

229. I left my car with the valet.

230. There's no valet.

231. Doh!

232. Excuse me. I'm just going to check my makeup.

233. Hello, son.

234. Uh, dad, you didn't bring a costume.

235. Oh, yes, I did.

236. Drinkin'!

237. Ow!

238. Whoo-hoo!

239. Oh, dear.

240. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral.

241. Duke's here. Where's randa?

242. She's still in the bathroom. I'll go check on her.

243. You stay with Duke.

244. Hello, Duke.

245. What are you dressed as?

246. The bald gay man?

247. Yes, that's it. The bald gay man.

248. Attention, everybody.

249. We have a winner for the best costume:

250. Jay sherman as the bald gay man.

251. All the rest of you bald gay men can go home.

252. Look at the way he's dressed.

253. Lord, I never win.

254. Randa?

255. Randa, what's wrong?

256. I can't go out there. I got my first wrinkle.

257. It's right here by my eye.

258. Oh, honey, you can barely see it.

259. Duke'll know it's there. Southern boys always do.

260. All right, don't panic.

261. I'll go out and get you a mask.

262. Alice, honey, you think you could try a little harder?

263. Miss Scarlett, may I have the honor of this dance?

264. Gracious! How crowded it is.

265. Want me to have them all killed for you?

266. I can do it.

267. Oh, you're sweet. But not just now.

268. We can be alone out on the roof.

269. But rhett, honey, what will people say?

270. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a crap.

271. Your gown's beautiful.

272. I bet you made it out of window curtains,

273. just like in gone with the wind, huh?

274. Why, how did you know?

275. You still got the venetian blinds here in the back.

276. You really want to see something,

277. pull the cord.

278. Ooh, ooh. Baby's got back.

279. It's midnight. Time to take off your mask.

280. I... I... I'd rather not.

281. What's the matter?

282. Got a big old crow's foot or something?

283. I... I've got to go.

284. Scarlett, come back! Your slipper!

285. Oh, dad, control yourself.

286. Ooh, dessert cart.

287. I just can't face Duke again,

288. and I don't want you tellin' him it was me.

289. Randa, honestly, it's just a little wrinkle.

290. Don't be so sensitive.

291. Jay, darling, didn't you try to hide it

292. when you started losing your hair?

293. Hear ye, hear ye,

294. it is the decision of this critic

295. that Sylvester Stallone shall be hanged

296. by the neck until dead.

297. Jay, take that stupid thing off.

298. Leapin' lizards!

299. Hmm. You've got a point.

300. Our last film tonight is field of dreams ii,

301. with Kevin costner.

302. If you build it, they will come.

303. Wow! Babe Ruth!

304. Hey, where can a fella get a hooker around here?

305. Uh... Ty Cobb!

306. Where's the nearest klan meeting?

307. Wow! Billy Martin! You're my idol.

308. Feh.

309. Folks, I'm going to marry the woman

310. who fits this slipper.

311. Please, Scarlett, come back to me, honey.

312. I need you. I need you!

313. Viewer disclaimer: Duke Phillips is not himself.

314. He has been mixing nyquil and dayquil.

315. And... Cut.

316. Oh, it's no use.

317. I'm never going to find the woman

318. who fits this slipper.

319. You haven't tried me.

320. Doris, that was you at the ball?

321. Uh... yeah.

322. You're my Southern belle?

323. Yes, I am, honey child.

324. Duke, this is crazy. She's not from the South.

325. I'm from Alabama. Mobile?

326. Just barely.

327. Tonight, on soft copy:

328. Billionaire Duke Phillips to wed last surviving bronte sister.

329. Jay, you've got to talk to Duke.

330. No. Randa made me promise I wouldn't.

331. Doris isn't the one he loves.

332. Just go to his house. You'll think of something.

333. I don't know.

334. You know, I've only been to Duke's house once

335. and it wasn't pleasant.

336. All right, sherman, you've been here long enough.

337. I'll give you the dental plan you want

338. with a $50 deductible.

339. $25 deductible.

340. See you in 5 years.

341. I am not going back there.

342. Please, Jay.

343. Please, Jay.

344. Please, Jay.

345. What do you care?

346. I said peas, Jay,

347. with those little pearl onions I love so well.

348. Oh. All right.

349. I am the great and powerful Duke!

350. Hello.

351. Jay? It's not about that dental plan, is it?

352. No, no, no! I want to talk to you about Doris.

353. Come with me.

354. Duke, the woman you met that night

355. wasn't Doris. It was...

356. fiddle-Dee-Dee. I didn't know we had company.

357. Doris, you're not from the South.

358. I told you, I'm from Alabama.

359. Tuscaloosa?

360. No, I use dentu-grip.

361. What am I going to do?

362. I've got it! Mattress in an hour.

363. Duke, where's your bedroom?

364. You people never give up.

365. I am not gay.

366. And if I was gay,

367. I would do something about that wallpaper. Plaids and florals?

368. Oh, please, dukey-dukey.

369. Wow. Some mattress.

370. Mind if I try it?

371. Son, you going anywhere with this?

372. That was my only mattress and bedtime's in an hour.

373. Going to have to call mattress in an hour.

374. My plan worked,

375. and with the maximum of subtlety.

376. Mattress in an hour.

377. Scarlett, it's you!

378. But you don't mind my wrinkle?

379. Hey, I was going to marry her

380. and she's nothing but wrinkles.

381. Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck.

382. Good one, Duke.

383. Come back!

384. Jay, Alice,

385. I want to thank you for everything you've done.

386. Me too, son.

387. Anything I can do for you, you just name it.

388. How about a dental plan?

389. Fat chance. Guards!

390. Ah!

391. Celebrity voices are impersonated.

392. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.

393. Excuse me, the show's over.

394. Get away, pipsqueak.

395. That's why I love her.

396. Shh.