The Critic 2x7

Directed by Brian Sheesley

At Marty's slumber party, Jay is asked to tell his story in which he got caught up in the Gulf War. Jay tells how he was attending an Iraqi film festival and eventually was thrown in jail where he escaped and lead a troop of men across the desert.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. This is Howard stern.

2. I want to apologize to the following groups:

3. Latinos, native Americans,

4. and mothers against drunk drivers.

5. I guess the only one i can make fun of

6. is that fat film critic, Jay sherman.

7. It stinks.

8. Tonight, Clint Eastwood returns as "dirty Harry"

9. in Beverly hills robo-canine cop-and-a-half ii.

10. Listen, Callahan. Your partners have a way of dying on you.

11. So I got you a new rookie.

12. Fresh from the academy. Hi.

13. That's a new one on me.

14. All right, Callahan,

15. I've got some new partners for you:

16. A woman, a cute little kid,

17. an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun.

18. I'll be your lucky charm.

19. Swell.

20. Now, look:

21. You don't like me and I don't like you,

22. but we're in this together. Any questions?

23. Can I go potty?

24. For the last time, no.

25. You think you got problems.

26. I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, siamese twins,

27. a sofa, and a second-rate mime.

28. Hey, I'm stuck in a box. I can't get...

29. oh, well. I've created a new scale

30. that shows which diseases I'd rather have

31. than watch this movie.

32. Well, we're past scurvy, leprosy,

33. unidentified yellow discharge,

34. and the winner is: Spastic colon.

35. Good night.

36. Hold on there a minute, chumly.

37. I'm on the phone with the spastic colon people,

38. and they're not happy.

39. Uh, can you hold? Oh. You can't.

40. Sorry, Duke. I can't stop.

41. I'm on my way to my son's slumber party.

42. I really appreciate you helping out.

43. You're welcome.

44. But I'm not sure I like penny hangin' around

45. with these older, New York types.

46. She might pick up bad habits.

47. Oh, come on.

48. You worry too much.

49. See you tomorrow, honey.

50. Goodbye, darling.

51. I hope your toches feels better.

52. See what I mean?

53. Son, are any more of your friends

54. from the u.N. School coming?

55. Just that funny-looking kid from easter island.

56. I don't know where he is.

57. Greetings, earthlings. We come in peace.

58. We bring you new techniques to end world hunger...

59. (all) Yeah!

60. We bring you cures for all known disease...

61. (all) Yeah!

62. Kids, this is Jimmy Carter.

63. I've met with these peaceful aliens.

64. And as the worst president of this century, I urge...

65. (All) Yeah!

66. I must taste blood.

67. Jay, my daughter's been at your party for 5 minutes,

68. and already she wants to taste blood.

69. Yeah, but when she says it, it sounds so cute. "Blood."

70. That's it. We're outta here.

71. Children, I denounce you and your violent ways.

72. We're gonna watch nice, wholesome, a.B.C. T.V.

73. Dan, a lesbian kissed me.

74. Can she live in the basement?

75. Oh...

76. Kids, no t.V. Either.

77. All right, listen up.

78. We're gonna sit and tell stories,

79. and I'm gonna give a prize for the best one.

80. What about war stories?

81. My father was a pilot during the Gulf war.

82. My father too played a pivotal role in the Gulf war.

83. He wrote a big check.

84. Well, my dad is a Gulf war hero.

85. Really?

86. I don't think so, Martin.

87. Well, no.

88. No, I... it's true.

89. Here's a photo of me with president bush

90. after I came back.

91. George Bush?

92. The man who vomited on our prime minister.

93. We call him puko-San.

94. Tell us your story, Uncle Jay, please.

95. (All) Yeah, tell us.

96. Yeah, tell us, Uncle Jay.

97. Oh, I shouldn't. It's my best story.

98. I just use it to impress women.

99. Wait a minute. You're a woman!

100. What gave me away?

101. If I told you, you'd slap me.

102. The year was 1991.

103. (Jay) I had received an invitation

104. to the prestigious Baghdad film festival.

105. A large humus and a small goat.

106. Excellent choice, sir.

107. (Jay) And so the festival began, with films like

108. bill and akhmet's excellent adventure,

109. the towering infidel and brown acres.

110. ♪ the culture

111. (man) ♪ the vulture

112. (all) ♪ brown acres, we are there

113. what's next? My mother, the camel?

114. Thank you.

115. (Jay) Iraq was on the brink of war. I was about to get out.

116. Then fate intervened.

117. Baghdad airport, and step on it.

118. Sure thing, Mac.

119. You're from New York?

120. Yeah. I'm part of the cabby exchange program.

121. Yeah, see, they send all the foreign cabbies to New York,

122. while all the New York cabbies come here.

123. That way, no cabby speaks the language

124. of the country he works in.

125. That is the stupidest...

126. now, don't worry. I'll get you to the airport.

127. I know a shortcut through the desert, over here.

128. Aw, nuts! Camel crossing.

129. Freakin' camels. Move your humps!

130. So, who do you like in the Gulf war?

131. I'm bettin' on the U.S.

132. (Jay) Meanwhile, back in America...

133. We interrupt hee haw: The next generation

134. for a special news report.

135. Good evening. The air campaign against Iraq has begun,

136. but we are fortunate enough to have a correspondent

137. on the scene in downtown Baghdad.

138. Come in, Jay sherman.

139. (Jay) I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!

140. I don't wanna die!

141. Jay, we're live.

142. Hello, movie fans. Sherman here.

143. As I stand here at the crossroads of history,

144. one thought comes to mind:

145. I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!

146. And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

147. Mr. sherman, please tell us more of your story.

148. (All) Yeah! Yeah!

149. I heard the Iraqis used chemical weapons.

150. Were you exposed to any?

151. Um, just a smidge.

152. That's better. Anyway...

153. Every night the planes would come

154. and let loose their destruction.

155. Back at home, my boss was very upset.

156. Would you look at these ratings?

157. Ted Turner's killing us. It's that tomahawk chop.

158. Well, I've been workin' on my own visual.

159. Well, what do you think?

160. Uh, it's very similar

161. to what the Nazis used, sir.

162. Oh. Uh, do you think they'd mind?

163. Uh, about Jay sherman, sir.

164. He's trapped in Baghdad.

165. Great! I want him reporting around the clock.

166. What do you think of this gesture?

167. Sir, I think it's rather

168. Wonderful.

169. This is p.N.N.

170. Duke, stop that.

171. Here I am in Baghdad, standing in front of one

172. of the many, many, many, many,

173. many, many, many pictures of Saddam Hussein.

174. He's everywhere, just like Madonna,

175. only with fewer enemies and a smaller moustache.

176. It's hour 10 of our coverage.

177. Scud missiles continue to fly but do very little damage.

178. Ow!

179. And that's how you get rid of a boil.

180. It's hour 35 of our coverage now,

181. and I thought I'd show you pictures from my wallet.

182. Here's me as a baby.

183. And here's me the day I got thrown out of the Bronx zoo.

184. You're under arrest.

185. For what?

186. Impersonating our leader!

187. Things never looked worse.

188. There I was, with my head stuck in a honeypot.

189. I thought you were stuck in an Iraqi prison.

190. Yes, of course.

191. How could a grown man

192. get his head stuck in a honeypot?

193. I couldn't rest.

194. (Jay) I wrote a plea for help and tied the note to a rat.

195. You're my only hope, Lassie.

196. Junk mail. Junk mail. Junk mail. Rat from Jay.

197. (Jay) Finally, under threat of torture,

198. they forced me to renounce my own government on t.V.

199. We want you to make him look presentable.

200. Done and done. Hookah break.

201. Where did you learn to do makeup?

202. Iraqi soap operas.

203. Morshida, how can I know the baby's mine?

204. He has your eyes, and your smile.

205. Look, this is ridiculous.

206. I'm not gonna betray my country.

207. You will speak the blasphemous

208. and self-denigrating dialogue

209. that has been written for you!

210. Like I'm not used to that.

211. Read this.

212. "There's going to be a really bitchin' kegger tonight,

213. at captain raheem's tent."

214. That's mine. Read this!

215. "Dear urkel, you are so funny.

216. "Can you come to my birthday party?

217. Your friend, captain raheem."

218. Give me that!

219. "Single arabic captain wishes to meet non-kurdish woman.

220. I like puppies, Kenny g, and walks on the beach."

221. Whoo-hoo! Kenny g!

222. What's going to happen to our darling little boy?

223. Don't worry, my darling.

224. I have friends in high places

225. who take care of everything.

226. Franklin, great to see you. Been years.

227. Mr. president, my son is being held hostage in Iraq,

228. and I need you to save him.

229. Now, I've given money to the Republicans for years

230. and never asked for anything in return.

231. You asked to be secretary of balloon doggies.

232. I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies.

233. The balloon doggies demanded it!

234. Isn't that right, balloon doggy?

235. No. Shut up!

236. Oh, lord.

237. Antonio, you almost ready there?

238. Just call me "Tony the tiger."

239. Mr. sherman, you still haven't told us

240. how you got out of prison.

241. Well, president bush had launched a rescue attempt.

242. Meanwhile, I was forced to watch American films redubbed

243. into outrageous propaganda by the Iraqis.

244. All right, i want y'all to go and surrender to Saddam,

245. but first we're gonna put on petticoats

246. and have a sissy slap-fight.

247. Eh, that's right. We're all yellow.

248. ooh, yeah, yeah.

249. Jay sherman, this is the U.S. air force.

250. We've come to rescue you.

251. Climb into the harness.

252. I don't understand.

253. This thing's supposed to lift a tank.

254. Could you talk a little louder?

255. I think a few people in Jordan didn't hear you.

256. (Man) Yes, we did!

257. Ow. Ow. Ow.

258. Come on, men!

259. It was like Lawrence of Arabia.

260. (Jay) Ours was a noble little band.

261. Anwar, the handsome Egyptian pilot.

262. Arthur, a playboy from New York.

263. Now, that's what I call a dry Martini.

264. They sent me here to dry out, but this is ridiculous.

265. Hey, hey, where are you going, guys?

266. Guys?

267. You are the ugliest flamingo I've ever seen.

268. Oh, God, I'm funny.

269. For days, we wandered the desert,

270. danger around every dune.

271. Halt!

272. Before you pass,

273. you must answer the riddle of the sphinx.

274. Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?

275. He wanted to see time fly.

276. All right, all right, all right, that was an easy one.

277. When is a door not a door?

278. When it is ajar.

279. Ok, ok, ok. One more.

280. What is green and sings?

281. Elvis parsley.

282. I also would have accepted Fred asparagus.

283. Oh, what is the point of all this?

284. I'm so lonely.

285. (Jay) I did everything I could to make the men happy.

286. (Jay) Meanwhile, in America,

287. a worried nation speculated on my fate.

288. The number 3 reason Jay sherman is lost in the desert:

289. Dan quayle gave him directions.

290. Number 2:

291. He used a compass made by pinheads at g.E.

292. You hear that, Paul? "Pinheads at g.E."

293. And the number one reason

294. Jay sherman is lost in the desert:

295. Buttafuoco, buttafuoco, buttafuoco!

296. (Jay) My friends had not forgotten me.

297. Uh, this is "critic aid," take one.

298. (Jay) But the $1.75 they raised

299. would come too little, too late.

300. Look, a mirage!

301. There's another one.

302. Hey, I tell you, this hole is a par 702.

303. That's some hole, you know.

304. Grrr...

305. Whoa, I haven't had a ride this scary

306. since I sold my pinto.

307. Grrr...

308. Yeah.

309. (Jay) And then, finally, we could go no further.

310. Jay, don't despair.

311. God?

312. No, man, it's me, your stomach.

313. Your salvation lies over the next hill.

314. Now, rise!

315. Come on, men!

316. My goodness. You are a real hero.

317. And when I returned, I got a hero's welcome.

318. Sir, are you sure it's wise

319. to be photographed with a film critic?

320. It's the most despised profession there is...

321. Except for pre-op groin shaver.

322. Hey, my approval rating's 90 percent.

323. How much harm can a little film critic do?

324. That's some story.

325. I guess you win the prize.

326. And what might that be?

327. I don't know. A kiss?

328. A kiss? But you have not heard my story.

329. It's called, "honey, I shrunk the pope."

330. You will get a cookie.

331. Oh, man, I could have had a cookie.

332. (Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.

333. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.

334. Uh, excuse me, sir. The show's over.

335. Is the snack bar still open?

336. Shh.