1. This just in:Copy !req
2. The state of CaliforniaCopy !req
3. has just officially
changed its name to:Copy !req
4. "State of emergency."Copy !req
5. It stinks.Copy !req
6. That's our show for tonight.Copy !req
7. Next week we'll be reviewingCopy !req
8. tom cruise's sequel to
interview with a vampire,Copy !req
9. A few good monsters.Copy !req
10. Son, I hear music.Copy !req
11. I don't remember giving
permission for a party.Copy !req
12. Well, uh, dad, uh...Copy !req
13. And I hope you're
looking after your
brother Raymond.Copy !req
14. 5 minutes till munsters.
5 minutes till munsters.Copy !req
15. Gotta see Herman.
Gotta see Herman.Copy !req
16. Gotta see Herman.Copy !req
17. Hey, Marty,
what brings you here?Copy !req
18. I'm running for
class president,Copy !req
19. and dad's going
to help me write
my speech.Copy !req
20. The castle's a mess,Copy !req
21. the wolfman messed up
the carpet,Copy !req
22. and I think your brother
Raymond is drunk.Copy !req
23. I'm an excellent flyer.Copy !req
24. Should've taken qantas.Copy !req
25. (Jay)
Now, Marty,
when you run for president,Copy !req
26. you've got to sell yourself.Copy !req
27. What makes you
stand out from
the other kids?Copy !req
28. Uh, I... I ate
my dissected frog.Copy !req
29. That's my boy.Copy !req
30. I once ate the sheep
from a nativity scene.Copy !req
31. But I don't think
that'll get you
many votes.Copy !req
32. I don't know
what to tell you, dad.Copy !req
33. I'm just an average kid.Copy !req
34. That's your angle.
You're the average kid.
The kid of the people.Copy !req
35. Why, they'll lap it up
like cheap boozeCopy !req
36. at drew Barrymore's
sweet 16 party.Copy !req
37. Dad, don't you need some paper?Copy !req
38. It'll just slow me down.Copy !req
39. Now, Doris,
we're going to
junior high todayCopy !req
40. to see Marty run
for class president.Copy !req
41. I want you
to make me look
extra dignified.Copy !req
42. Let the makeup begin!Copy !req
43. Principal mangosuthu,Copy !req
44. do you know what
those kids are doing?Copy !req
45. I have no idea.Copy !req
46. Welcome to the
united nations school
8th grade election.Copy !req
47. Our candidates are
Martin sherman,Copy !req
48. zoltan vellimirovich...Copy !req
49. Hello.Copy !req
50. And Michael dukakis.Copy !req
51. I thought I would
start small, uh,Copy !req
52. with an election, uh,
I could win.Copy !req
53. You suck.Copy !req
54. Ow.Copy !req
55. Our first candidate
is Martin sherman.Copy !req
56. Hi. I'm Marty sherman.Copy !req
57. I'm not royalty
like my friend faisal.Copy !req
58. And I can't offer you
a vacation in
the South pacificCopy !req
59. like my easter island friend.Copy !req
60. I can't do those thingsCopy !req
61. because I'm just a regular kid.Copy !req
62. I'm the regular kid candidate.Copy !req
63. Hmm.Copy !req
64. If I'm elected, I'll work hardCopy !req
65. and build the best
homecoming float ever.Copy !req
66. Vote for me, the regular kid.Copy !req
67. El nino normale!Copy !req
68. Tubo ka cha!Copy !req
69. Pug nar.Copy !req
70. Krish krosh.Copy !req
71. Marty! Marty! Marty!Copy !req
72. (Jay) Come on, come on.Copy !req
73. Hey!Copy !req
74. Marty! Marty!Copy !req
75. Marty won by a landslide.Copy !req
76. You wrote a great speech.Copy !req
77. Mighty impressive.Copy !req
78. You know, all this talk
of running for officeCopy !req
79. has set me to thinking.Copy !req
80. That's it!
I'll run for president,Copy !req
81. drop a whole mess of bombsCopy !req
82. and put merle haggard
on the supreme court.Copy !req
83. I've made up my mind.Copy !req
84. I'm going to run for president.Copy !req
85. But you're not a politician.
You're a businessman.Copy !req
86. All the better.Copy !req
87. I made a multinational
media conglomerateCopy !req
88. out of a humble
fried chicken franchise.Copy !req
89. I'd like a number 7.
Extra crispy.Copy !req
90. Cornbread
or hot buttered biscuit?Copy !req
91. Uh, biscuit.Copy !req
92. You carry buttered biscuits
in your pants?Copy !req
93. Yes.Copy !req
94. Oh! You're talking
to him? Ha!Copy !req
95. Now, Jay, when I run
for president,Copy !req
96. you are going to be
my speechwriter.Copy !req
97. Me? I'm not a
speechwriter.Copy !req
98. You did darn good
with your boy.Copy !req
99. You know, you think like
the average Joe.Copy !req
100. The little guy
making $300,000 a year.Copy !req
101. The average Joe
doesn't make $300,000...Copy !req
102. can I have an advance
on my $300,000?Copy !req
103. No problem.Copy !req
104. So long, suckers.Copy !req
105. I'm sorry.
This is a
no smoking island.Copy !req
106. Oy, gevalt!Copy !req
107. Give me one good reasonCopy !req
108. why I should be
your speechwriter.Copy !req
109. Hey, look, when I'm
elected, you can have
any office you want,Copy !req
110. except in the army.Copy !req
111. They're still shy
about the gay thing.Copy !req
112. I'm not gay.Copy !req
113. Hmm.Copy !req
114. I'm tempted,
but I... I don't know.Copy !req
115. Can Duke really be president?Copy !req
116. Can he be trusted
with nuclear weapons?Copy !req
117. We trust him
with the ones he has now.Copy !req
118. Besides, it's not
that hard a job.Copy !req
119. I played a president
in a movie once.Copy !req
120. Who are you?Copy !req
121. My name is Monroe.
James Monroe.Copy !req
122. And here's a taste
of the Monroe doctrine.Copy !req
123. Welcome to the era
of good feelings.Copy !req
124. Oh, James.Copy !req
125. Mmm.Copy !req
126. Marty! Marty! Marty!Copy !req
127. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
128. I just want to say
that under my administrationCopy !req
129. it is not going to be
all fun and games.Copy !req
130. We're going to work, too.Copy !req
131. Work?Copy !req
132. Let's get our heinies
out of here.Copy !req
133. But we're supposed
to make flowersCopy !req
134. for the homecoming float.Copy !req
135. We'll help you, son.Copy !req
136. I just don't know
what to do about
Duke's campaign.Copy !req
137. It's a great opportunity,
but I'm afraid he may stand
for the wrong things.Copy !req
138. Well then, you tell him
what to stand for.Copy !req
139. You're a good man.Copy !req
140. What did I tell you to say?Copy !req
141. Thank you for the pizza,
Mr. sherman.Copy !req
142. Listen, honey,
I've known men like Duke
all my life.Copy !req
143. There was this one boy
back in college...Copy !req
144. dealt drugs, went to jail...Copy !req
145. yet today he's the star
of home improvement.Copy !req
146. And I think
with you behind him,Copy !req
147. Duke could accomplish
great things, too.Copy !req
148. Well, thanks,Copy !req
149. but maybe I should think
about this some more.Copy !req
150. Don't listen to this.
Listen to this.Copy !req
151. You want me to listen
to my stomach?Copy !req
152. No, silly. Your heart.Copy !req
153. No one ever listens to me.Copy !req
154. Jay, if I can't make up
your mind,Copy !req
155. maybe these gentlemen can.Copy !req
156. Ask not what your country
can do for you,Copy !req
157. but what you can do
for Duke Phillips.Copy !req
158. You made him say that.Copy !req
159. You can foolCopy !req
160. some of the people
some of the time,Copy !req
161. but you'll never fool
good old Duke Phillips.Copy !req
162. Eh, eh?Copy !req
163. I'm Bill Clinton.Copy !req
164. I urge you to work
for Duke Phillips.Copy !req
165. That's not Clinton.Copy !req
166. That's just one of
your mechanical
hillbilly bears.Copy !req
167. Yeah, but so far
nobody's noticed.Copy !req
168. Look, I'll write
your speeches,
but I have 2 conditions.Copy !req
169. First, no rewriting.Copy !req
170. Second, we must be honest
with the public at all times.Copy !req
171. Done and done.Copy !req
172. Hey, where'd she come from?Copy !req
173. I, er, built her
out of John Quincy AdamsCopy !req
174. and Herbert hoover.Copy !req
175. Hi, I'm, uh, I'm tom snyder.Copy !req
176. Our first guest
is billionaire Duke Phillips.Copy !req
177. Duke, uh, Duke, what's new?Copy !req
178. Tom, I'm running for president.Copy !req
179. Oh, that's great.
That's great.Copy !req
180. You know, back in my day,
we had, uh, we had
president coolidge, there.Copy !req
181. And, uh, they used to say,
"keep cool with coolidge."Copy !req
182. And, uh, and we did.
We, uh, we kept pretty cool
back then.Copy !req
183. Uh, now... now,
why are you running?Copy !req
184. Well, because it's time
we had a presidentCopy !req
185. who's not beholden
to special interests.Copy !req
186. I'm a self-made billionaire.Copy !req
187. The only person who can
bribe me is a bazillionaire.Copy !req
188. And I am the first candidate
to call forCopy !req
189. Arnold Schwarzenegger
to be tarred and feathered.Copy !req
190. I wrote that speech.Copy !req
191. Well, duh.Copy !req
192. Jay, son, your speech
went over great.Copy !req
193. Judy, how many calls
have we gotten?Copy !req
194. A million and a half
and they all support you.Copy !req
195. When they call,
try to sell themCopy !req
196. our 12-volume history
of Western meat.Copy !req
197. Uh, volume 1,Copy !req
198. pressed ham,
is free for 30 days.Copy !req
199. And the cover's
made of pressed ham.Copy !req
200. No, it's not.Copy !req
201. Oh.Copy !req
202. Duke Phillips'
recent announcementCopy !req
203. has the other candidates
scrambling to adopt
Duke's positions.Copy !req
204. Today, president Clinton
signed a bill into lawCopy !req
205. calling for the tarring
and feathering
of Arnold Schwarzenegger.Copy !req
206. I'll be "bawk!"Copy !req
207. Uh, Mr. Phillips,
you received an urgent callCopy !req
208. from senator Bob dole.Copy !req
209. Yee-ha!Copy !req
210. I've got the Republicans
running scared.Copy !req
211. I'm gonna be
the next Ross perot.Copy !req
212. I wonder whatever
happened to him.Copy !req
213. Stockdale, if we don't
deliver this pizza
in 30 minutes, it's free.Copy !req
214. What's the holdup?
Gridlock.Copy !req
215. Bob dole.
Good to meet
you, Duke.Copy !req
216. I'm Dan quayle.
I got to go
boom boom.Copy !req
217. Bob, I'm thinking
of running as
a republican.Copy !req
218. That nomination is mine.Copy !req
219. If you interfere
I'll release this tape.Copy !req
220. All right,
I'll run as
an independent.Copy !req
221. Oh, how am I ever
going to get this
to look like this?Copy !req
222. I don't know, son.
But you've got to try.Copy !req
223. It's what you promised
the other kids.Copy !req
224. But all they wanna
do is goof off
and eat candy.Copy !req
225. Well, son, as president,
you're above that.Copy !req
226. I do solemnly swear
that as your presidentCopy !req
227. I will goof off and eat candy.Copy !req
228. 4 more years! 4 more years!Copy !req
229. I believe Americans
have the right to bear armsCopy !req
230. except for vicious cop-killing
assault rifles.Copy !req
231. Bazooka Duke says:
Chew on this!Copy !req
232. (Man) Hey!Copy !req
233. (All)
L'Chaim! L'Chaim!Copy !req
234. I promise you zombies
more raw human fleshCopy !req
235. than any president
since Roosevelt.Copy !req
236. Uh, Doris,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
237. Looking for a husband.Copy !req
238. So, vote for Duke.Copy !req
239. God, I've never felt
such power.Copy !req
240. I really think
we can get everything we want.Copy !req
241. More teachers in the schools,
longer hours for the library.Copy !req
242. You know what else is great?Copy !req
243. Since I started writing
speeches for Duke,Copy !req
244. everyone takes my phone calls.Copy !req
245. Watch.Copy !req
246. Jay sherman for princess di.Copy !req
247. Hello.Copy !req
248. Hey, princess.Copy !req
249. Oh, Jay.Copy !req
250. Here's a jolly
old raspberry
for you.Copy !req
251. Oh, look, here's the queen.Copy !req
252. Hello, Jay. Have I got
a rude noise for you!Copy !req
253. Ooh, that was me
Christmas pudding.Copy !req
254. Welcome to the
united nations school
homecoming parade.Copy !req
255. First, the float
from Singapore.Copy !req
256. I'm worried, dad.
No one ever helped me,Copy !req
257. and I couldn't finish
the float by myself.Copy !req
258. I'm sure you did fine.Copy !req
259. It's a giant horse's ass.Copy !req
260. You're watching fox.Copy !req
261. Give us 10 minutes,
we'll give you an ass.Copy !req
262. Next, the float
from easter island.Copy !req
263. Big whoop.Copy !req
264. Up next is the 8th graders'
floatCopy !req
265. built by class president
Martin sherman.Copy !req
266. The theme is:Copy !req
267. A flaming horse's patoot!Copy !req
268. (All) Yeah!Copy !req
269. Marty! Marty! Marty!Copy !req
270. You're a hit, son.Copy !req
271. And nothing of value was lost.Copy !req
272. Sir, the polls show
you're doing greatCopy !req
273. with voters across the board,
except women.Copy !req
274. Do they vote?Copy !req
275. Yes, we do.Copy !req
276. Really?
Well, what about
the Irish?Copy !req
277. Them, too.Copy !req
278. Uh-oh, better change
these posters.Copy !req
279. Good idea, sir.
Oh, and about women,Copy !req
280. their problem is
they think because
you're not married,Copy !req
281. you're not much
of a family man.Copy !req
282. Oh, that's no problem.
I got to get me a wife,Copy !req
283. someone sweet,
someone America loves.Copy !req
284. I'd like you all
to meet my new wife,Copy !req
285. everybody's favorite t.V. Mom,
June Lockhart.Copy !req
286. Ms. Lockhart,
why did you agree
to marry Duke Phillips?Copy !req
287. Because he agreed
to bring everybody backCopy !req
288. who was lost in space,
even Dr. Smith.Copy !req
289. Mr. Phillips,
what do you say
to those who claimCopy !req
290. this marriage is just
an outrageous publicity stunt?Copy !req
291. I say, gaze into
the hypnotic powerCopy !req
292. of my evil eye.Copy !req
293. Is there a
follow-up question?Copy !req
294. How may I serve you, evil one?Copy !req
295. Listen, Duke, I'm starting
to have my doubts about
this whole campaign.Copy !req
296. The phony
June Lockhart wedding.Copy !req
297. The unmotivated Irish bashing.Copy !req
298. Your use of the evil eye.Copy !req
299. Look, son, I know
you have your doubts,Copy !req
300. but I'll tell you what.Copy !req
301. I'll let you
make your own movie.Copy !req
302. Ah, hell, you can even
star in it.Copy !req
303. I know just the project:Copy !req
304. Goodfellas ii.Copy !req
305. Aw, man, we got to
bury this thing.
It smells terrible.Copy !req
306. Hi, guy.Copy !req
307. Mamma Mia!Copy !req
308. Well, it is tempting.Copy !req
309. That's my boy.Copy !req
310. Now, I need you
to write me
a new speech.Copy !req
311. The Guam primary is next week.Copy !req
312. Well, besides wanting to win,Copy !req
313. what exactly do you want
to do for these people?Copy !req
314. Hell, I don't even know
what to call them.Copy !req
315. Guambats. The guamish.
Guammi bears.Copy !req
316. Maybe you shouldn't
enter that primary.Copy !req
317. Besides, don't you need
a running mate?Copy !req
318. Way ahead of you,
chub monster.
I've got just the man.Copy !req
319. He's a former ambassador,
cabinet member,Copy !req
320. ex-governor of New York.Copy !req
321. Oh... oh, wait, now.
You... you don't mean...Copy !req
322. Son, I'm going to be
vice president,Copy !req
323. and I'm going to
be honest with the
American people.Copy !req
324. I'm not going to wear
this toupee anymore.Copy !req
325. Dad, you don't wear a toupee.Copy !req
326. I will from now on.Copy !req
327. Welcome to decision '96.Copy !req
328. It's 18 months
till the election,Copy !req
329. and tonight,
we'll focus on the
vice-presidential candidates.Copy !req
330. Since this is so boring
and pointless,Copy !req
331. we will periodically
be inserting clips
from baywatch.Copy !req
332. Help, help!Copy !req
333. An octopus stole my bikini top.Copy !req
334. I'll get it,Copy !req
335. but first I'd better put on
my octopus repellent.Copy !req
336. Ooh.Copy !req
337. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
338. That's good octopus repellent.Copy !req
339. Dad, for the last time,Copy !req
340. are you sure
you want to run
for vice president?Copy !req
341. Jay, can I do a worse job
than spiro agnew?Copy !req
342. Or Aaron burr?Copy !req
343. Or William Rufus de vane king?Copy !req
344. He died in Cuba 6 weeks
after being sworn in.Copy !req
345. Well, maybe you do know
what you're doing.Copy !req
346. Yeah. Now let's rob
that bank.Copy !req
347. Our candidates are
now entering the studio.Copy !req
348. Vice president Al Gore,Copy !req
349. republican candidate
rich dull wasp,Copy !req
350. and former governor
of New York, Franklin sherman.Copy !req
351. Governor sherman,
an opening statement?Copy !req
352. As the first black
female head of the
ku klux klan,Copy !req
353. I'd like to sayCopy !req
354. America stinks!Copy !req
355. This may hurt us
more than it helps us.Copy !req
356. And governor sherman,Copy !req
357. what would you do
in the case
of nuclear attack?Copy !req
358. Then you sprinkle
the chicken liberallyCopy !req
359. with old spice.Copy !req
360. Jay, your father's going
to cost me the election!Copy !req
361. I want you to write me a speechCopy !req
362. where I kick the old coot
off the ticket.Copy !req
363. I can't do that.
He's my father.Copy !req
364. Quack, quack.
Quack, quack.Copy !req
365. Well, I'll think about it.Copy !req
366. I entered this thing
with high ideals,Copy !req
367. and now Duke wants me
to stab my own dad
in the back.Copy !req
368. Jay, sit on my lap.Copy !req
369. Get off my lap!Copy !req
370. But it's so comfortable.Copy !req
371. Jay, maybe your father
shouldn't be vice-president,Copy !req
372. but you shouldn't
be the one who has
to break his heart.Copy !req
373. Now let's take a look
at the new musicalCopy !req
374. from Francis Ford coppola:
Apocalypse wow!Copy !req
375. (all) ♪ he's not so badCopy !req
376. Vote for Duke!
Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke!Copy !req
377. Vote for Duke!Copy !req
378. Get that off my show.Copy !req
379. Don't lip off to me,
fyvush finkel.Copy !req
380. And where the hell's my speech?Copy !req
381. I'm not giving you that speech.Copy !req
382. My loyalty is to my father.Copy !req
383. Fine, I don't need you anymore.Copy !req
384. I don't need any of you.Copy !req
385. I'm Duke Phillips
and from now on,Copy !req
386. I'm speaking my own mind.Copy !req
387. First, I'll tell you what I'm
really gonna do as president:Copy !req
388. I'll run this country
like I run my company.Copy !req
389. I'm gonna raid
the pension fund,Copy !req
390. dump chemicals in the ocean,Copy !req
391. and sell our best assets
to the Japanese.Copy !req
392. Ooh! Looks like reaganomics
is making a comeback.Copy !req
393. Half of you states
are in the toilet.
And you're not coming out.Copy !req
394. New York, you know
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
395. California, kiss your
smoggy butt goodbye.Copy !req
396. New england, you're going back
to old england.Copy !req
397. Ooh, I don't want that.Copy !req
398. More poison?Copy !req
399. I mean, tea?Copy !req
400. Ah, don't mind if I do.Copy !req
401. You almost had me there.Copy !req
402. Well, that's my speech.
Now, if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
403. i have to put on some leather
and go get spanked.Copy !req
404. Vote for Duke. Good night.Copy !req
405. Hi, June.
How'd you like my speech?Copy !req
406. Duke, I want a divorce.Copy !req
407. You're a terrible man,
you'd be an awful president,Copy !req
408. and you never had any intentionCopy !req
409. of bringing back the people
who were lost in space.Copy !req
410. I did bring back
that extraterrestrial.Copy !req
411. Hello.Copy !req
412. Ew, sic him, Lassie!Copy !req
413. Down, girl, down.Copy !req
414. Bite him where it hurts.Copy !req
415. Well, that's our show
for tonight, folks.Copy !req
416. We didn't review many moviesCopy !req
417. but tune in next week
when we haveCopy !req
418. gentle Ben maul newt gingrich.Copy !req
419. Good night, everybody.Copy !req
420. (Jay)
Celebrity voices
are impersonated.Copy !req
421. No celebrities were harmed in
the filming of this episode.Copy !req
422. Excuse me, sir.
The show's over.Copy !req
423. Get away, zitface.Copy !req
424. Shh!Copy !req