The Critic 1x9

1. Hello?

2. Jay, this is your sister.

3. Mom just gave me your old room.

4. Um, do you still want this leif Garrett poster?

5. It stinks.

6. Our last film tonight stars Al Pacino

7. in scent of a jackass.

8. Whoo-ha. Charlie, you pimply little preppy,

9. I'm gonna kill myself.

10. Good.

11. I mean it, you m.T.V.-Watching momma's boy.

12. I'm gonna pull the trigger.

13. Fine, if it'll shut you up.

14. You're gonna miss my whoo-ha,

15. my tangoing,

16. my blind driving,

17. my whoo-ha.

18. You said that already.

19. I say it a lot. Whoo-ha!

20. Talk about overusing a catch phrase.

21. Hotchie motchie. It stinks.

22. Good night.

23. Doris, I've just finished a screenplay

24. and I wondered if you'd tell me what you think of it.

25. All I read is smokers digest.

26. Did you know that Jesus smoked 3 packs a day?

27. Please, Doris.

28. I had to write this

29. because I needed artistic stimulation.

30. You know what that's like?

31. I have some idea.

32. A work of art.

33. On the lighter side,

34. N.Y.U. Scientists have discovered a virus

35. in the local drinking water

36. responsible for new yorkers' antisocial behavior.

37. There is no cure,

38. so get out of my face, you stinkin' leeches.

39. Hey, I got your cure, right here.

40. Now, let's go to Chuck smiley, our happy weatherman.

41. There's a snowstorm headed for Jersey,

42. Nobody called about my script.

43. Maybe a little exercise will take my mind off it.

44. Jay, I just finished your screenplay.

45. Really? Oh, what did you think?

46. Oh, it's wonderful. It really is.

47. That means so much to me.

48. You know, I only showed it to my closest friends.

49. Barney, the butcher.

50. It had heart.

51. Jazzman Joe.

52. It had soul.

53. Hasidic Harry.

54. It could have been worse.

55. I read it in the tub.

56. I want to get to know the man who wrote it.

57. Really?

58. Well, shrimp gives me gas.

59. That's enough.

60. Wait, there's more.

61. Jay, bubbee shayna,

62. the people who do my reading for me

63. think this script is great.

64. All it needs is a few car chases,

65. a rap song by salt-n-pepa, and a message of some sort.

66. You know, like, "don't tinkle in the ocean."

67. Well, I don't know.

68. Come on, my friend,

69. we're going to Hollywood.

70. Does it smell funny in here to you?

71. Oh, yeah.

72. Boss, I'd like to go on sabbatical.

73. You people sure have a lot of holidays.

74. No. I've written a screenplay,

75. and I'm taking it to Hollywood.

76. But since I'm a film critic,

77. there might be a conflict of interest.

78. You want to hear conflict of interest?

79. I own a cigarette company

80. and a company that sells nicotine patches.

81. I own a baseball team and I bet against them.

82. I love America, but for tax purposes,

83. I'm a citizen of the Dutch antilles.

84. Gee, thanks for sharing all that with me.

85. Now that I know all your secrets,

86. you don't have to kill me, do you?

87. If I do, you'll never see it coming.

88. just think.

89. Down there, between New York and L.A.,

90. are all the people that go to my movies.

91. Look, pa! The 925 to Hollywood.

92. Yep. Those are the folks who fill our lives

93. with blockbuster movies, moronic situation comedies,

94. award shows where award shows win awards.

95. Get my gun, boy.

96. Now, ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts.

97. We're being shot at by farmers again.

98. Gary Grossman, head of the studio,

99. meet Jay sherman.

100. Jay sherman?

101. Ooh, one of the most revered film critics in America.

102. I'd like to wring your pudgy neck.

103. Your bad reviews have cost my Japanese masters

104. over one billion yen.

105. Jay's written a remarkable screenplay.

106. It's phenomenal!

107. I'll give you $100,000. Agreed?

108. Oh, agreed!

109. Whoever said this studio

110. is totally lacking in artistic taste?

111. You did, on your show last week.

112. How awkward.

113. Wow, I can't believe you're really going to make my movie.

114. Jay, we're not making your movie.

115. What? Why?

116. It's too good.

117. We're not making I, claudius here.

118. Well, we are, but we call it Claudia schiffer's toga party.

119. What are you doing with my script?

120. I'm putting it with the others that were also too good.

121. Look at this: A lesbian love story,

122. the biography of some clown named Galileo,

123. revenge of the nerds iv?

124. What are you doing here, you beautiful thing,

125. when you could be making me a mint?

126. Hey, fellas, start shooting!

127. Way!

128. My script.

129. Wait. I just had a brilliant idea.

130. Jay sherman, you are going to write...

131. are you ready?

132. Ghostchasers III.

133. God, I'm good.

134. And they said an illiterate ex-gigolo

135. couldn't run a movie studio.

136. Ghostchasers III?

137. Why would I want to write that?

138. I hated ghostchasers I and ii.

139. Exactly! I want to use that hate.

140. You'll be like the kid who told the rich guy

141. to put on some freaking pants.

142. You mean the boy in "the emperor's new clothes"?

143. Exactly. Now, I see macaulay culkin as "the boy."

144. And the only person who could play the emperor

145. is John Goodman, unless he looks too beefy.

146. I mean, this guy smells buffet and "get out of the way."

147. But, hey, I'm getting ahead of myself.

148. I don't know, jer', ghostchasers III?

149. It's just another mindless sequel.

150. Jay, sequels allow you to be creative.

151. Why, in crocodile Gandhi: Part ii,

152. they allowed me to do my kirk Douglas impression.

153. The past is over.

154. Now I'm gonna fill your bellies with lead.

155. Jeremy, I have spent my entire career criticizing hacks.

156. And now if I do ghostchasers, I'll be joining them.

157. Instead of criticizing Hollywood,

158. you can make it better.

159. Then they'll let you make the kind of movie you want to make.

160. The kind that wins oscars.

161. Mmm. Oscars.

162. And as I accept this Oscar,

163. there is one issue I cannot remain silent upon.

164. Independence for quebec.

165. Vive Jay sherman! Vive quebec!

166. - Vive Jay sherman! - Vive quebec!

167. Vive Jay sherman! Vive quebec.

168. Vive Jay sherman! Vive quebec!

169. I just don't know what to do about this movie.

170. If I only I had some kind of sign.

171. Mr. sherman, compliments of quality pictures,

172. a division of scumco.

173. Hollywood loves me and I love Hollywood!

174. But be gentle,

175. I've been burned by so many cities.

176. Lido, oyster bay,

177. oh, both Kansas cities.

178. But, Hollywood, you is my woman, now!

179. Stewart? Stewart?

180. You're not on the list.

181. Now are you... are you...

182. are you sure about that?

183. Move it, old man!

184. Hitchcock, is that you?

185. Hello. I'm Jay sherman, your new lord and master.

186. Ow.

187. Welcome, Mr. sherman. I'm keeley.

188. I'll be your executive assistant.

189. And this is your staff,

190. Maya, Tori and Chaz.

191. Cappuccino, Mr. s?

192. I was here at 8 A.M. Shaving the cinnamon.

193. Listen, Chaz, we are going to work hard

194. and make a good sequel for once.

195. So, if you look and learn,

196. maybe you won't spend

197. the rest of your life shaving cinnamon.

198. Yes, I will. I used to be vanilla ice.

199. Jay, we're not like other agents.

200. We see you as a person, not a commission.

201. Jay, ever since we at preferred international talent brokers

202. merged with united labor leading specialists...

203. Pitbulls?

204. Hey, look. That does spell pitbulls.

205. What do you know? Well, we are aggressive.

206. Jay, let me be direct. I want to be your agent.

207. Oh, my God! Is this an earthquake?

208. What the "h"...

209. Jay, are you ok?

210. How awkward.

211. Now, before I start writing ghostchasers III,

212. who do you have back from the original cast?

213. Uh, the black guy.

214. But we've only got him for two days.

215. He's also playing

216. the black guy in Batman III.

217. Now, is there anything you feel could be improved

218. from the first 2 films?

219. Ghostchaser underpants didn't sell as well in Mexico

220. as we hoped.

221. Maybe you could have the black guy's pants

222. fall down in Tijuana.

223. I understand.

224. Oh, one more thing.

225. The first 2 films didn't do very well in Italy.

226. But maybe that's because they translated

227. the title to your mother has a hairy back.

228. Look, I know I agreed to do this film,

229. but no one around here seems to know anything

230. about character and plot.

231. Plot? What an odd word.

232. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot.

233. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot. Plot.

234. Uh-oh.

235. Look, Jay, this will cheer you up.

236. A battery company just paid us $2 million

237. to put their product in your film.

238. You should know we're constructing

239. a 50-foot battery with the voice of pat morita.

240. I'm not gonna put that in.

241. All right. No battery. No pat morita.

242. But how do you feel about Patti LaBelle and baby wipes?

243. Ooh, I love baby wipes.

244. They come in handy, you know,

245. 'cause I'm in the car all the time, and I tend to chafe.

246. Oh, look. I'm tired of talking to executives.

247. I want to meet somebody creative.

248. Fine, Mr. Shakespeare,

249. I'll set you up with some directors, ok?

250. Can you do 5 lunch meetings in 1 day?

251. I think I could manage.

252. - 5 lunches? - Me like much, much.

253. Mmm-mmm.

254. I see the ghost of John f. Kennedy saying,

255. "open the files, open the files."

256. I also see the ghost of Jim morrison singing,

257. "come on, baby, open the files."

258. I think one of the ghostchasers should be a woman.

259. Uh, she should be strong, intelligent.

260. Someone like, uh,

261. oh, I don't know, m-my daughter Sofia.

262. Your first problem is: You got a white ghost.

263. How come there're never any black ghosts?

264. Chill out, brother man, I share your pain.

265. I played othello in high school.

266. "Oh, desdemone, thy handkerchief betrays thee."

267. I haven't been so disgusted

268. since Kenny g played Malcolm X.

269. I'm beginning to wonder why I ever took this job.

270. Jay, you lovable little pisher,

271. you're working too hard. Enjoy yourself.

272. Los Angeles is like... How can I put this?

273. A big apple, the windy city,

274. the cradle of civilization, the red planet.

275. No. No. Wait. Wait.

276. I... I'm thinking of New York, Chicago, babylonia and Mars.

277. El toupee, I want you to make my friend look hip.

278. You have challenged El toupee.

279. I accept.

280. My work is done.

281. Adios.

282. 6 of these plastic burgers are missing.

283. Whoa! Cool car, dad.

284. Well, son, this is California,

285. and people judge a man by the car he drives.

286. Check out the geek in the Porsche.

287. Let's roll.

288. Son, this is it.

289. The famous corner of Hollywood and vine.

290. Hollywood's next young starlet

291. could be walking by right now.

292. Hey, pal,

293. for $10 I'll let you watch me stand over a steam vent.

294. We got a great show tonight.

295. Our guests are the same guests letterman had last night.

296. And you'll really enjoy

297. the chemistry between branford and me.

298. Shut up, man.

299. Ok, branford. Didn't mean to surprise you, there.

300. We'll be right back.

301. Hey, dad, let's get a map to the movie stars' homes.

302. Oh, son, movie stars don't want to be pestered by tourists.

303. Come in. Come in. You want some cookies?

304. I've been baking all day.

305. I'm pretending there's someone on the other end of this phone

306. so I look important.

307. Blah, blah, blah,

308. blah, blah, blah, blah.

309. Dad, I thought you came here to write.

310. I am writing.

311. No, you're not.

312. You're just acting like a show biz phony.

313. Oh, my God! You're right, son.

314. I've forgotten why I came to Hollywood.

315. To write the sequel to the sequel to a movie

316. I didn't think they should have made in the first place.

317. And, by God, that's what I'm gonna do.

318. Ow.

319. What a loser.

320. Right, girls?

321. Oh, elephant.

322. No one must know.

323. Then the ghost tells the ghostchaser,

324. "I'm the scariest thing of all,

325. your future."

326. Oh, wow! That is good writing.

327. It's as if some divine hand were inspiring me.

328. Excellent!

329. Another sequel on the way.

330. Sir, the cast of wings wants to know

331. if they can stay on the air another year.

332. Tell them there are limits to even my power.

333. Here you go.

334. Ghostchasers III by Jay sherman.

335. I have to admit,

336. it's better than I ever thought it could be.

337. Fabulous. I'm going to my office.

338. I have a 2:30 meeting with my inner child.

339. He thinks he's gay.

340. And then I will read it right away.

341. I'll be waiting.

342. What'd you think of my script?

343. Isn't it obvious, snookie? Look at my face.

344. Listen, I can take any criticism in the world,

345. but I want an honest opinion.

346. Honest opinion? Honest opinion? Hmm?

347. Hey, look, they're washing Bo Derek like a horse.

348. Eh?

349. Attention. We've spotted a black man in a Mercedes

350. obeying the speed limit.

351. - Bring him down. - Backup on the way.

352. All right, it's just you and me.

353. Now, what did you think of my script?

354. It was excrement.

355. Did you say, "it was excellent"?

356. It was crummy.

357. Did you say, "it was yummy"?

358. It was an awful piece of junk

359. that made me want to puke all night.

360. Did you say, "it was an awesome piece of spunk

361. that you want to shoot tonight"?

362. It was a bilious piece of dirt that made me cry out in pain.

363. Did you say, "it was a brilliant piece of work

364. "and you'll fly me out to Spain,

365. "where we'll meet king Juan Carlos

366. and drink sangria all night"?

367. You piece of blech.

368. Oh, Mr. sherman,

369. you've been assigned a new parking spot

370. based on the unanimous reaction to your script.

371. What the...

372. Hmm? Hmm?

373. This repulsive space creature

374. is too hideous to reveal to the public.

375. This is worse than that crater on Mars

376. we found shaped like yoko ono.

377. Don't put the toilet paper dispenser there.

378. What is he, plastic man?

379. What's going on?

380. Sherman, we want you out of this office.

381. Tom cruise, next door, wants a private bathroom.

382. Oh, my God!

383. Well, Chaz, you've been a very loyal assistant.

384. I hope you land on your feet.

385. Tom cruise's bathroom.

386. This is Chaz, vice-president in charge of flushing.

387. He'll do fine.

388. I've had it, jer'. We're going home.

389. You can't work in this town

390. without sacrificing every principle you have.

391. That's not true.

392. I still have one principle left.

393. I've never had plastic surgery.

394. Hmm? What's this thread?

395. Get me Dr. goldberg, stat!

396. Hello. And welcome to coming attractions.

397. Our first film is ghostchasers III.

398. I helped write this picture, but, believe me when I say,

399. this is the worst movie ever made!

400. Attention L.A. street gangs,

401. why kill each other

402. when there are more deserving movie executives

403. just Miles from your home?

404. Their addresses are...

405. Viewer advisory.

406. The rest of this review contains

407. incitements to violence, foul language,

408. rubber novelty poop, and brief nudity.

409. Good night, everybody. Join me in 30 days

410. for my review of our overcrowded penal system.

411. Hey, Duke, thank God you came to get me.

412. No, actually, I'm here to bail out

413. the child stars from my sitcom

414. who's daddy now?

415. Hiya, bunkmate,

416. how about a shiatsu massage?

417. Ooh, a fan.

418. Uh-oh.

419. Attention convicts,

420. in return for your help

421. in testing the experimental fertility drug,

422. with its unfortunate side effects...

423. Hey, warden, I'm dilating like there's no tomorrow.

424. We have a special treat.

425. Tonight we will be showing ghostchasers III.

426. Is there no end to my torture?

427. Oh, my God! Save yourselves!

428. New York is being destroyed by an 80-foot ed koch!

429. How am I doing? How am I doing? How am I doing?

430. Don't be scared. I'm just looking for a nosh.

431. This movie's just like the first 2.

432. Hey, my water broke!

433. Boo!

434. Yuck!

435. They really hate it.

436. For once in my life, I truly belong.

437. I got you some popcorn.

438. No salt, just the way you like it.

439. You know,

440. this is the best date I've ever had.

441. Celebrity voices are impersonated.

442. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.

443. Excuse me, sir, the show's over.

444. Get away, zitface.

445. Shh.