The Critic 1x7

Directed by Alan Smart

Jay befriends his make-up lady Doris after they attend a musical adaptation of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and thinks that she may be the mother who gave him up for adoption years ago.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hello?

2. Hi, Jay. I'm the winner

3. of the Jay sherman look-alike contest.

4. Well, one of my heads is.

5. It stinks!

6. I do so love this cottage.

7. I should like to live at Howard's end forever.

8. You mean Howard stern's end.

9. I just bought the deed. What do you think of that?

10. Any of you girls want to take your tops off?

11. Oh, I say!

12. You say, but you never do.

13. You never put out. You're like my wife.

14. That was, of course,

15. a clip from Howard stern's end.

16. With me now, distinguished actor:

17. Sir Roger twice-nightly.

18. Sir Roger, why in the world did you do this movie?

19. Because I need the money.

20. I have 3 mistresses

21. of various ages and genders in London.

22. Well, I have 3 roast chickens

23. of various ages and genders in my apartment.

24. That's all for today. Join me next week,

25. when I review the recently restored director's cut

26. of j. F.K. With 2 hours of new footage.

27. Back and to the left.

28. Back and to the left.

29. Back and to the left.

30. Back and to the left.

31. Back... And to the left.

32. Back and to the left.

33. So, sir Roger, what are you doing next?

34. I'm in a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical,

35. based on the hunchback of notre dame.

36. It's called hunch.

37. Would you like a couple of free tickets?

38. Well, thanks. Uh, let me check with my assistant

39. and see if I'm free.

40. Oh, Ethel, am I free for the theater this evening?

41. You certainly are.

42. Really? Sharon stone?

43. You heard me.

44. Sharon stone.

45. I'd like you to meet Ethel,

46. but, uh, she just jumped out the window.

47. Just take the bloody tickets.

48. Oh, why don't you ever let me meet your friends?

49. Because the last time I did,

50. you spilled coffee on Mr. Al jolson.

51. Ethel, you're spillin' coffee on me!

52. I'm beggin' ya, put down the percolator, honey-lamb.

53. A date for the theater.

54. Oh, let's check my little black book.

55. "Triple-a escort service...

56. "Sister Dominica...

57. Glen/glenda..."

58. Loved her, hated him.

59. Ah!

60. Hello, Helen!

61. I'm sorry, Jay.

62. Helen's in the shower right now.

63. Still? It's been 3 days since we went out.

64. Still not clean.

65. Must scrub harder.

66. Unclean! Unclean!

67. A health club.

68. That's where I'll meet a woman.

69. Anyone care to join me for a night at the theater?

70. Wait a minute! That hot tub's not plugged in!

71. Excuse me!

72. So, ladies, just call in

73. if you know the name of Spielberg's adorable extraterrestrial.

74. I'll take the 29th caller.

75. Cute little alien. Anyone?

76. Give you a hint:

77. E...

78. Oh, we have a caller.

79. The alien's name was...

80. Richard dreyfuss?

81. At this point, I'll go with anything that breathes.

82. Check this out, big boy.

83. Ahh.

84. Me go out with you?

85. You're old enough to be my mother.

86. So, you're fat enough to be my car.

87. Besides, I just want to see the show.

88. All right, all right, I'll take you.

89. But if anyone asks,

90. you're a doddering heiress, and I'm running through your money.

91. And I'll tell everyone you're a troll I found

92. under the tappan zee bridge.

93. Take it down. We closed.

94. There is a God.

95. Doris, you look elegant.

96. After 45 years in the make-up business,

97. you learn a few secrets:

98. Tricks with hair, teeth...

99. Like?

100. Always wear hair, always wear teeth.

101. Well, I must say,

102. I am glad to have a friend with me.

103. that's me!

104. I shaved for this?

105. I've got a hunch this bites.

106. The bells! The bells!

107. The cursed bells!

108. Daddy, can I wear the jammies with the feet?

109. this performance was sponsored by Toyota,

110. the hatchback fit for a hunchback!

111. I just want to say that you've taught me

112. that someone can be ugly on the outside

113. but beautiful on the inside.

114. I'm not the hunch. I know.

115. Ah, Mr. sherman.

116. How nice to see you.

117. And who is this lovely young lady?

118. That play was terrible.

119. Well, that's the kind of thing I see all the time.

120. Maybe now you see why I'm so cranky.

121. You know, I'd really hate to be you.

122. Oh, it's not so tough being a critic.

123. No, no, I was starting a new topic.

124. Shut up.

125. Would you like to come in?

126. Uh, you don't have one of those old lady apartments

127. filled with newspapers and stray cats, do you?

128. Don't be ridiculous. Now, sit on the plastic

129. or you don't get any ribbon candy.

130. It's so big!

131. Rent controlled since 1946.

132. How much?

133. $120 a month. Put down the candlestick.

134. Huh?

135. You were going to bash my head in and take my apartment.

136. I was?

137. Don't sweat it, honey. I've seen it take over

138. stronger men than you.

139. Wine?

140. That's my fiancee, Earl.

141. He died in Korea.

142. Oh, I'm sorry.

143. Yeah. This picture is my most treasured possession.

144. Wait, this isn't Earl. This is my brother.

145. It's been a long time.

146. No, wait!

147. It's the great gildersleeve, and he came with the frame.

148. But enough of my life. There must be more to you

149. than just criticizing and eating.

150. Another satisfied customer.

151. But just who was the lucky guest star

152. on last night's love, Jay sherman style?

153. hotchie motchie!

154. Steady, Jay. No one has to know.

155. Oh, honey, these shorts are yours.

156. You left them at my apartment last night.

157. Shh! Do we have to tell the whole world?

158. Oh, nobody heard.

159. There's film critic Jay sherman

160. and make-up artist Doris Grossman.

161. Their on again/off again romance

162. flies in the face of every standard of decency.

163. Don't you people have a trailer park to go home to?

164. Twister blew it away.

165. Wait a minute. You think we slept together?

166. You have a body like a marshmallow.

167. Yeah, and me sleep with you?

168. You're older than dirt!

169. Hey! Hey!

170. You know, I actually had a good time last night.

171. Me, too.

172. Maybe we could go out together as friends.

173. Uh, I don't know. I have a pretty full schedule.

174. Well, I guess I can fit it in.

175. You know, seeing all these young people

176. only reminds me how old I really am.

177. Oh, you're not that old.

178. What do you say we move on?

179. I'm with you.

180. This story's about a woman who can't speak

181. but finds her voice through her slide whistle.

182. The time's come for us to make love.

183. What do think of me naked?

184. This reminds me of my steamy weekend

185. with Charlie callas.

186. punch! Punch!

187. I need my punch!

188. You asked for it.

189. Oh, you could see that coming a mile away.

190. The characters are wooden

191. and the plot is just an excuse for violence.

192. You want your money back?

193. Yeah, let me have it.

194. I said, "let me have it."

195. New York is the greatest city on earth.

196. Make a wish.

197. No. No! Oh, just when I finally find a friend,

198. she dies on me.

199. Why? Why?

200. Fake out!

201. Chest tightening,

202. having heart attack- ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack...

203. Uh-oh.

204. Play chantilly lace!

205. Hello, baby.

206. Ow.

207. Doris, that was a wonderful day.

208. Sure was. And now to cap it off...

209. Oh, not another cigarette.

210. No, a big smelly cigar.

211. Doris, about your smoking...

212. Well, how can I put this tactfully?

213. Did you ever notice what happened

214. to the bailiffs on night court?

215. You're sweet, honey, but I don't smoke as much as people think.

216. Awk! Smoking keeps me regular.

217. No proven link! No proven link!

218. At least get a smoke detector.

219. Got one.

220. Doris, do you ever think about what that stuff

221. is doing to your lungs?

222. Yeah. It's holding them together.

223. It's just too hard to quit.

224. I gave it up once, though, when I was carrying my son.

225. You never told me you have a son. Where is he?

226. I wish I knew.

227. I had to put him up for adoption.

228. Really? You know, I'm adopted.

229. It was 36 years ago.

230. I'm 36.

231. He'd make the funniest little noise

232. when he spit up his milk.

233. Ach... Ach... Achhung?

234. Son!

235. Mother!

236. Now, wait a minute.

237. We don't know that for sure yet.

238. But I really hope it's you.

239. Jay sherman's a pig. Jay sherman's a pig.

240. He said that when I bought him.

241. First thing I must know is,

242. if you're my mother, who's my father?

243. I'm not sure.

244. It was either John f. Kennedy

245. or the short, fat, bald guy

246. who always took me to movies and complained about them.

247. Kennedy was my father?

248. Ich bin ein Kennedy?

249. Whoever your father was, he didn't stick around.

250. I had to give you up.

251. It was the hardest thing I ever did.

252. This kid weighs a ton!

253. Feed me.

254. Feed me!

255. At last I think I know who my real mother is.

256. Oh, that psychological scar is healed forever.

257. Now if I could just get past my failed marriage,

258. my bloodcurdling senior prom,

259. and my ill-conceived canoe trip through hillbilly country.

260. Good evening, adopted master Jay.

261. Your little adoption gibes can't hurt me anymore.

262. They can't?

263. Hey, dad, I was wondering if you could tell me

264. about the day I was adopted.

265. Oh, I remember it well.

266. You had the cutest little arms and legs

267. and a detachable headrest, uh...

268. Oh... Oh, wait.

269. That was the day we picked out this chair.

270. Oh, but isn't it the cutest thing?

271. Cootchie cootchie coo!

272. Oh, you've gotten so big!

273. Now, what has prompted this talk of your adoption?

274. Mom, dad, this is Doris.

275. I think she's my real mother.

276. You're not upset, are you?

277. Oh, of course not.

278. Dinner is served.

279. Good. You can start

280. by ripping the heart from my chest

281. and serving it to me on a platter.

282. And we'll eat my heart tomorrow.

283. This is my daughter, margo.

284. Don't you dare try to claim this one.

285. I remember her birth quite well.

286. Push, dear. Push.

287. You did this to me, you lustful brute!

288. Someday when you least expect it,

289. I'll strike back at you like a viper!

290. That reminds me.

291. Going down.

292. Well, are you ready to enter

293. and learn the truth about our past?

294. Nothing could stop me from sharing this moment of discovery.

295. I'll wait in the car.

296. By law, you're allowed 3 questions

297. about your birth parents,

298. as long as they don't enable you

299. to identify them in any way.

300. Oh, all right. 3 questions, huh?

301. Well, there is something I've always wondered.

302. Am I Jewish?

303. Now, what do you think?

304. I knew it!

305. all right, 2 left.

306. Uh... I wish to be tall and handsome.

307. I said questions, not wishes.

308. I'm a priest, not a genie!

309. Ok! Uh, last question.

310. Oh, there's so much I want to know.

311. Um... Did my mother love me?

312. With all her heart.

313. Well, then why did she leave me?

314. I'm afraid that's 4 questions, lad,

315. but I would like to give you

316. a copy of this who are my parents? Home game.

317. It's orphan-tastic!

318. Blood tests. It's the only way

319. we'll ever know for certain.

320. What brings you to see the doctor?

321. That is private.

322. Chronic obesity and pear-shaped figure.

323. I am not pear-shaped!

324. Mmm-hmm, take a seat, Mr. bartlett.

325. That's sherman!

326. I brought you something...

327. Just in case.

328. Mother's day cards.

329. 36. One for every year we missed.

330. Thank you, honey, that's sweet.

331. Now, sit down. I know a make-up trick

332. that'll make you look 10 years younger.

333. Why didn't you use it before?

334. It was an extra minute out of my day.

335. Jay, I'm glad I caught you.

336. Now, you know that dirty dozen remake I'm producing?

337. Is that that Schwarzenegger movie?

338. Yeah, he's in it,

339. and Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Eddie Murphy,

340. and Michael caine...

341. Can't make a movie without Michael caine.

342. Is it good?

343. It's 5 hours of mind-numbing crap.

344. But you have to go on the air

345. and say it's the best thing you've ever seen.

346. Hey! This is my integrity we're talking about!

347. Hey, look, boy, I'm in this deep.

348. Do you know how much it costs

349. to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?

350. I had to give him a whole mess of tomahawk missiles.

351. And once he got 'em,

352. Stallone wanted 'em, Schwarzenegger wanted 'em...

353. Yo, Maria, check this out.

354. No deposit,

355. no return.

356. Look, I may not be handsome or charming,

357. but I am honest.

358. I just can't give a bad movie a good review.

359. Look, boy, you know when I let you stay

360. in my Florida condo,

361. well, the shower nozzle was really a camera.

362. Oh, big deal. So I was naked.

363. I... I was singing...

364. And eating a pie.

365. Leave him alone or I tell the world

366. why your fraternity brothers called you "puddles."

367. What is this, annoy-the-billionaire day?

368. Since when did you two get so chummy?

369. Since I found out that this dear, sweet woman

370. is my long-lost...

371. important blood test results for Jay and Doris!

372. Sorry, puddles. Nothing for you today.

373. This woman is your what?

374. Make-up lady.

375. Not anymore.

376. You're fired.

377. Hey, I can always get my old job back,

378. riveting world war ii bombers.

379. I'm doomed.

380. All right, if you let her keep her job,

381. I'll give your movie a good review.

382. How many stars? 2.

383. A million. 21/2.

384. Deal. But you also gotta say,

385. "Oscar's got a new butt to kiss:

386. The dirty dozen remake."

387. All right.

388. Thanks, Jay.

389. I guess that says I'm not your mother.

390. Yeah, but it also says

391. I have a virus only found in pigs

392. and I mustn't reproduce and blah-blah-blah.

393. Hey, you know these tests, they're always wrong.

394. I'll bet it's right about us.

395. Well, you know what? I think we're lucky.

396. Most people, they don't get to pick

397. who they want in their families,

398. and we do. Come on.

399. That's not the lyric.

400. Ow.

401. Celebrity voices are impersonated.

402. No celebrities were harmed

403. in the filming of this episode.

404. Excuse me, sir. The show's over.

405. But I have nowhere to go.

406. Shh.