The Critic 1x12

1. Hello?

2. - Hello, Jay. - This is your doctor.

3. We've been going over your x-rays

4. and it seems you're made entirely of cheese.

5. It stinks!

6. Hello, tonight we'll see Jack Nicholson follow-up his film wolf

7. with a not-so-thrilling tale of transformation,

8. chicken.

9. I'm warning you,

10. a full moon does strange things to me.

11. Cock-a-doodle-do, baby. Don't be scared.

12. Scared of what?

13. You're a big chicken.

14. Just for that, I'm going to peck up your wall.

15. Cluck, cluck.

16. We'll also be looking at Sylvester Stallone in rocky 6,

17. Texas chainsaw massacre 4.

18. The audience seemed to enjoy this film,

19. despite some nut in the back of the theater

20. yelling, "cut off Stallone's head!

21. Cut off Stallone's head!"

22. All right, it was me.

23. Feh!

24. Jay, I hate to interrupt your show.

25. Run that footage of me with the pope again!

26. Hey, John Paul, where's George Ringo?

27. I get so sick of that joke.

28. Jay, I recently acquired wholesome foods, a division of scumco.

29. I'd appreciate your endorsing

30. one of their fine products on the air.

31. Savvy Indian chewing tobacco?

32. It used to be savage Indian.

33. Marketing figured that might offend people.

34. Duke, I can't sell tobacco.

35. Many of my viewers are children.

36. I have a tremendous influence on them.

37. Here's a fun fact.

38. Burt Reynolds is balder than me.

39. Look, it's baloney man.

40. I'm afraid you're going to have to find someone else to do those ads.

41. Maybe I'll find somebody else to review movies.

42. Or me?

43. No, not you.

44. Kiss my surprisingly firm butt.

45. You know, I could replace you with a trained seal.

46. Oh, come on.

47. Follow me.

48. You could have been senator corleone, governor corleone,

49. the ayatollah corleone, nat king corleone.

50. We call him our seal of approval.

51. Uh, is this intended to scare me?

52. Because it's not.

53. Last action hero.

54. Look, you can't make me advertise anything.

55. I have a contract.

56. Tonight, like tom Hanks in Philadelphia,

57. Jerry Lewis tries a dramatic role in schenectady.

58. Now, could you tell me about the day

59. you were fired from weintraub, Myers and mellman?

60. Wine glass, mellman and schmellman?

61. No. Weintraub, Myers and mellman.

62. Wino, shmegegi and hasenpfeffer?

63. No further questions.

64. Nice lady.

65. Here's my 2-word review. Bad movie.

66. What the...

67. Heap big taste. It will womp 'em.

68. I refuse to put up with this.

69. You find somebody else to do your commercials.

70. Are you forgetting about your contract, son?

71. Here's what I think of that.

72. I quit.

73. So I stood up for my principles

74. and that's the most important thing of all.

75. It also means I won't have as much money as I used to.

76. That's ok, dad. Money is not important.

77. Not important? This is New York.

78. I'll starve here without money.

79. Oh, please, I got to have this job, Mr...

80. Pizzaface?

81. That's pizzaface!

82. And we only hire senior citizens.

83. It's part of our enslave the elderly program.

84. Well, the grease has reached its boiling point.

85. Thousands of French fries are entering the skirmish.

86. Quit goofing around, and put on your hair net.

87. And that's the way it is.

88. Oh, what am I gonna do?

89. Why don't you take a vacation?

90. You deserve it.

91. Hmm.

92. Day 5 of my European vacation.

93. Where to next? Milano? Brussels?

94. Ooh, how about beautiful naples?

95. Mmm, ah, naples,

96. why visit when you can

97. bite the cookie that bears thy name?

98. Tonight at 10:00, the best of Chevy chase.

99. Then at 10:05 the news.

100. And now back to coming attractions,

101. with your new host, Rex Reed.

102. What?

103. Joan plowright, and how right.

104. On the shermometer... I mean, the rexal thermometer,

105. she rates a 10.

106. And now a word from our sponsor,

107. savvy Indian chewing tobacco.

108. It's not just for Indians.

109. oh.

110. Hi, big brother, how's the job search going?

111. Some scientists paid me $50 to test a new p.M.S. Drug.

112. As if that's any of your business, miss buttinski.

113. Oh, I'm sorry.

114. I don't know why I say such hurtful things.

115. Ooh, chocolate.

116. Oh, that's going straight to my thighs.

117. Look, don't panic. Remember how insecure you were

118. when you graduated from college?

119. Dad, you've always been sort of like a father to me.

120. What do you think I should do with my life?

121. Oh, that's a good question, son.

122. Now, here's one for you.

123. They're called fingers, and yet they don't fing.

124. Noodle that one for a while.

125. Jay, I just want to say one word:

126. Trucking.

127. And I have one word for you, too, son:

128. Snapple.

129. Oh, dad, you and your nonsense words.

130. That's it. Trucking.

131. You know I've always envied truck drivers.

132. No responsibilities, the open road.

133. Maybe I'll write about it, maybe I won't.

134. I'll be much happier.

135. Now, Jay, don't make any rash career moves.

136. Remember when you dropped out of school

137. to become a lumberjack?

138. Timber!

139. Well, the lumberjacks liked me.

140. We ate like kings that night.

141. Maybe deep down I just want to be loved.

142. And everyone loves truckers.

143. Moron!

144. so you want to be a trucker, huh?

145. You ever drive a 16-Wheeler?

146. Well, I once pushed 4 shopping carts full of dove bars.

147. Are you prone to having blackouts?

148. No.

149. Are you prone to having blackouts?

150. No.

151. Are you prone to having blackouts?

152. No!

153. Oh, better than the rest of us,

154. Mr. I-know-where-I-am- at-all-times.

155. Sorry.

156. Are you prone to having blackouts?

157. Yes.

158. Excellent. Previous salary?

159. $271,000 a year.

160. I'm sorry,

161. you just don't have what it takes to be a trucker.

162. Please, this is very important to me.

163. All right, but there's a little matter of a vision test.

164. You see that chart over there?

165. Yes.

166. Congratulations. You passed.

167. At last, I'm a trucker.

168. Corporate America, I will not be your shill.

169. Right.

170. Well, there's your rig.

171. Oh.

172. Well, no more sitting around all day staring at a screen.

173. I'm going to see the world.

174. Oh.

175. Oh, my son, the trucker.

176. I was president of a truckers' union for a while.

177. That reminds me.

178. There's a lot of money in some dead bodies buried in the backyard.

179. Look, I think this is the beginning of a new life for me.

180. Eleanor, if Jay wants to become a trucker,

181. he has my blessing.

182. It's one of the most sensible ideas I've heard in a while.

183. 24.

184. 24?

185. Your father has taken to counting

186. the number of words in his sentences.

187. Indeed, I have.

188. 3. Oh, that's 4.

189. Oops, 7, 9, 10.

190. Gee, you look kind of noble up there.

191. Noble? Thou flatters me.

192. Uh-huh.

193. Well, anyway, I brought you something.

194. They're Susan b. Anthony mud flaps.

195. Much better than yours with the nude women.

196. Oh, what will the other truckers say when they see these?

197. Wow, Susan b. Anthony!

198. All I got is Betty friedan.

199. In honor of black history month,

200. I've got Harriet tubman on the back,

201. and rosa parks in the front.

202. I got golda meir.

203. What's not to like?

204. Welcome, son.

205. Hello.

206. Well, laddie, this can be a rough place,

207. but with my knowing guidance

208. you'll make it through ok.

209. Thanks. Now, where's the men's room?

210. I don't know.

211. I've been going in the coffee can out back.

212. Son, it's time to choose your handle.

213. It's a name you'll be stuck with for a long time.

214. Um, how about cineaste.

215. Good. That's the moxie.

216. But my handle is cineaste.

217. Oh, that's right.

218. Ok, we'll just call you lardbutt.

219. Everybody, this here is lardbutt.

220. Hi, lardbutt.

221. I'm not gonna let you call me that.

222. All right, how about tushy galore?

223. Lardbutt it is.

224. You're one tough cream puff.

225. Listen up, I just got a call from Florida.

226. There's a truck full of politically correct textbooks

227. that have got to be in the schools in New York, in 24 hours.

228. Until those books get here,

229. kids will think that Columbus discovered America

230. and Paul revere was sober.

231. We can't have that.

232. The truck you'll be taking has no brakes, no shocks,

233. and a supertramp tape stuck in the 8-track player.

234. Do I have a volunteer?

235. Now's my chance to fit in.

236. I'll make the run.

237. Excellent.

238. Uh, do you have another truck?

239. Yeah, with Leonard nimoy sings supertramp

240. stuck in the tape player.

241. I'm off.

242. Now, where's that coffee can?

243. Oh.

244. Breaker, breaker, this is the lardbutt

245. sticking his rear where you've got your ear.

246. I'm seeking female companionship.

247. Me, sensitive, kind.

248. You, not fat.

249. Lardbutt, you found your dream girls.

250. This is Thelma and Louise

251. and we're right on your donkey.

252. So we got ourselves a real city boy, here,

253. all the way from New York City.

254. Right, chiefie.

255. I just got one question for you, son.

256. When's tama janowitz's new book coming out?

257. I want to read that sucker.

258. Huh?

259. You heard the man. Tama janowitz.

260. She sure writes pretty.

261. Look, I don't know.

262. Well, then answer me this.

263. Are there still 5-minute delays

264. on the "b,"d,"f," and "q" lines between penn station and morningside heights?

265. J.B., why do you want to go to midtown?

266. All the really happening galleries

267. are down soho-way. Lookie here.

268. Maybe I should be going.

269. You do that. You get back to your guggenheim museum,

270. your mostly Mozart festival,

271. the bars of Christopher street

272. where anything can happen.

273. And usually does.

274. Damn,

275. I wish I could get a bagel here at 2:00 A.M.

276. All right, I've got my books.

277. Now I've got to get back to New York.

278. Can't stop for anything.

279. Help us!

280. Help us!

281. Meet ingmar bergman, 25 cents.

282. Oh.

283. Well, you best get back to the peanut patch with polanski and bertolucci.

284. I'm sorry, the politically correct book truck's not here yet.

285. But the driver's on the way.

286. When is he gonna get here?

287. He or she, son. He or she.

288. All is lost.

289. Ok, he's back.

290. But what proof do we have he made it to Florida?

291. You want proof? Behold.

292. Oh, the shake-em-up snowy souvenir thing.

293. Look,

294. maybe laddie made the trip, maybe he did not.

295. But he brought us a snow globe,

296. and that's good enough for me.

297. 24 hours sitting in one spot.

298. How did you do it, son?

299. Well, I've sat through a lot of bad movies.

300. Oh, someone's kissing me.

301. It must be a beautiful woman.

302. Now I'll make sweet love to you

303. while keeping my eyes closed the whole time.

304. Clyde!

305. Since then, I've lost all feeling back there.

306. Come here, son.

307. Let's hear it for hardbutt.

308. I belong, I belong!

309. Everybody to my place for herbal tea.

310. You can see my dolls from many lands.

311. I... I mean, uh, who's up for an evening of beer and vomiting?

312. Vomiting. Vomiting. Vomiting.

313. Dad, I've never seen you so happy.

314. Son, I don't miss criticism at all.

315. I'm sorry. Your truck is just too heavy for the road.

316. How awkward.

317. A shooting star. Make a wish, dad.

318. Hmm.

319. Thank you, God.

320. Hmm.

321. Hello, you don't like Mr. sherman's driving.

322. Is he weaving from side to side?

323. Is he braking suddenly.

324. Is he throwing a vanilla shake at you?

325. Hmm, we were disconnected.

326. Ow.

327. Thanks for a fun day, dad.

328. I finally topped your mom's boyfriend Alberto,

329. hey, Marty?

330. Alberto!

331. It's my new toy. Hop in.

332. I'll let you fire the machine gun.

333. Thank you, Uncle Al.

334. Please, call me daddy.

335. With pleasure.

336. Vlada takes all deliveries in the rear.

337. Vlada, it's me, Jay sherman.

338. I'd like your best table for my friends.

339. Of course.

340. Chain them in the fruit cellar with mama.

341. Hey, it says here

342. Samuel Beckett's endgame is playing

343. at the belasco theatre.

344. With Mandy patinkin and mummenschanz.

345. Hot dang!

346. Yahoo!

347. Best meal I ever had for $111.

348. Your car, sir.

349. These aren't my wheels.

350. They're not? Then who?

351. Wait until the boys at club manhole see this.

352. Well, we better roll if we don't want to miss ultimate force.

353. Is that a movie? Yeah.

354. So, what's the plot?

355. How should I know?

356. With a name like ultimate force,

357. you know you're gonna see a tough guy on wheels.

358. And so, gravity remains a mystery

359. and truly the ultimate force.

360. It's a bloody science documentary.

361. It's not very bloody.

362. And now, to quote a joke I once heard.

363. Planck's constant is neither.

364. Pop, pop, pop.

365. Even our estimate of the hubbell constant...

366. Ooh, this is where Van Der waals force...

367. no, don't give it away.

368. Quiet, I'm trying to read back here.

369. How could this happen?

370. If only there were people

371. whose job it was to watch movies

372. and tell others about them,

373. so tragedies like this could be avoided.

374. They could do more than that.

375. They could rate movies

376. by a system in which some body part is pointed

377. triumphantly towards the heavens,

378. or sheepishly towards the earth.

379. You mean thumbs up or thumbs down?

380. I guess that would work, too.

381. I did all these things and more,

382. for I was a critic.

383. If this is true, if you were a critic,

384. then your place is back with your people.

385. That is how you can best help our people.

386. And I'm off.

387. I just gotta get through midtown and I'm back to work.

388. Man, I thought that traffic jam was never gonna break up.

389. Duke, I want my job back. I...

390. You got it.

391. Rex Reed's filthy tobacco habit

392. is turning off our key 2 to 65-year-old audience.

393. He doesn't review movies,

394. he just sits there singing that stupid song.

395. And every time he does, I got to pay some navajo $50.

396. Well, that's our show for tonight.

397. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry,

398. but there just aren't any trucking books out there.

399. However, for a transcript of this episode,

400. write to what was the point?

401. In care of your local stations.

402. Thank you and good night.

403. Celebrity voices are impersonated.

404. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.

405. Excuse me, sir, the show's over.

406. I'm stuck in the chair.

407. Shh!