1. Hello.Copy !req
2. Jay, this is your mother.Copy !req
3. Your father and I
are taking you out
of our will.Copy !req
4. We feel you already have
enough money.Copy !req
5. Oh, yes, and Happy Birthday.Copy !req
6. It stinks.Copy !req
7. Oh!Copy !req
8. What's wrong?Copy !req
9. I'm 36 years old, I'm lonely,Copy !req
10. my hair comes out
of a spray can.Copy !req
11. You know, I ought to go
on camera without this stuff.Copy !req
12. Let the world see me
as I really am.Copy !req
13. It's empty.Copy !req
14. Oh! I'm bald and ugly.
Get more!Copy !req
15. Hello, I'm Jay sherman,Copy !req
16. and this is coming attractions.Copy !req
17. Tonight I'll be reviewing
home alone 5.Copy !req
18. We left Kevin home alone,Copy !req
19. and he's only 23.Copy !req
20. But first, let's startCopy !req
21. with Arnold Schwarzenegger's
latest film: Rabbi p.I.Copy !req
22. It's the story of a Chicago copCopy !req
23. who goes undercover
as a hasidic Jew.Copy !req
24. Eat lead, rabbi.Copy !req
25. Sorry. That's not kosher.Copy !req
26. All right,Copy !req
27. if you are a real rabbi,Copy !req
28. circumcise this child.Copy !req
29. Havah nagilah, baby.Copy !req
30. Because I love you people,Copy !req
31. I won't force you to watch
the musical number.Copy !req
32. Well, maybe just a little.Copy !req
33. feh!Copy !req
34. Anyway, to get to the part
of the show you like the bestCopy !req
35. and I find humiliating,Copy !req
36. on the shermometer,Copy !req
37. this film rates
an absolute zero.Copy !req
38. Brr!Copy !req
39. And cut.Copy !req
40. Ah, this new stuff feels great.Copy !req
41. Why the hell do you
have to be so critical?Copy !req
42. I'm a critic.Copy !req
43. No. Your job is
to rate moviesCopy !req
44. on a scale from good
to excellent.Copy !req
45. What if I don't like them?Copy !req
46. That's what "good" is for.Copy !req
47. Mr. Phillips,
we go on in 5 seconds.Copy !req
48. I own this network, boy.Copy !req
49. Just put up that picture
of me on a horse.Copy !req
50. God, I look fabulous.Copy !req
51. Look, this isn't art,Copy !req
52. it's just mindless pablum
for losers who can
barely read.Copy !req
53. Oh, that reminds me,Copy !req
54. I've got an interview
with people magazine.Copy !req
55. Mr. Phillips,
you're fabulously wealthy,Copy !req
56. you're a world-class athlete,Copy !req
57. you were great in bed
last night.Copy !req
58. How does that feel?Copy !req
59. I have no one to envy.Copy !req
60. I envy you having me to envy.Copy !req
61. We're back
with "star poop."Copy !req
62. Let's welcome a young actressCopy !req
63. whose first film
opens next month,Copy !req
64. Valerie fox.Copy !req
65. Oh!Copy !req
66. I must confess
I haven't seen
your movie yet.Copy !req
67. Well, let's not talk
about the movie.Copy !req
68. Let's talk about you.Copy !req
69. Ah, my favorite subject.Copy !req
70. You know, I'm your biggest fan.Copy !req
71. Oh, I have no fans.Copy !req
72. Most of my viewers
are drunken frat boysCopy !req
73. who like to make fun of me.Copy !req
74. Hey, look.
He's picking his nose.Copy !req
75. It's really simple.Copy !req
76. I find smart men very sexy,Copy !req
77. and you are the most
intelligent man on television.Copy !req
78. Would you like
to have dinner with me?Copy !req
79. Oh, I couldn't.Copy !req
80. You're an actress.
I'm a critic.Copy !req
81. There's an insatiable line
between us.Copy !req
82. Uh, I mean invisible.Copy !req
83. There's an invisible line
between us.Copy !req
84. Oh!Copy !req
85. All right,
I'll have dinner with you.Copy !req
86. But first, can we have
a serious discussion
of your film?Copy !req
87. I think that's what
our audience is here for.Copy !req
88. Hey, look.
She's drinking a beer.Copy !req
89. Oh, this really stinks.Copy !req
90. I'm sorry.Copy !req
91. They send me
on these talk showsCopy !req
92. and tell me to be
some sort of femme fatale.Copy !req
93. I think it's all
pretty silly myself.Copy !req
94. I know how it is.Copy !req
95. I always have to look
my sexiest.Copy !req
96. That's why I'm wearing
these tight size 42 pants.Copy !req
97. Now, Valerie,Copy !req
98. your new film, kiss of death,Copy !req
99. is being compared
to basic instinct.Copy !req
100. Would you compare yourself
to Sharon stone?Copy !req
101. I find comparing actresses
very demeaning.Copy !req
102. Don't you?Copy !req
103. Can we get a shot of that?Copy !req
104. Hey, mister,
why does your car say
"king dork"?Copy !req
105. Uh, I bought it
from king dorkenheiser
of Finland.Copy !req
106. I thought Finland was
a constitutional democracy.Copy !req
107. Just park the car.Copy !req
108. Ah, Mr. sherman,Copy !req
109. I have saved for youCopy !req
110. the very best table
in the house.Copy !req
111. Just perfect
for the schmoozing.Copy !req
112. Conan o'brien.Copy !req
113. Oh, great.Copy !req
114. They sat us
in the critics' section.Copy !req
115. Pelican brief?Copy !req
116. More like Turkey too long.Copy !req
117. Even Satan himself would
love this angel hair pasta.Copy !req
118. It's a good buy,
and so, goodbye,Copy !req
119. from Mr. good guy,
gene shalit.Copy !req
120. You were a model, weren't you?Copy !req
121. Don't pigeonhole me.Copy !req
122. Yes, I was a model.Copy !req
123. Yes, I was a beauty queen.Copy !req
124. Yes, I dated Donald trump.Copy !req
125. Uh-huh, uh-huh.Copy !req
126. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
127. What are you doing?Copy !req
128. Oh, I'm sneaking a peek
at your mcguppies.Copy !req
129. It's my stumbling attempt
at intimacy.Copy !req
130. If that's what you want,
look in my eyes.Copy !req
131. O ye gods!Copy !req
132. And that's me on the set
of dances with wolves.Copy !req
133. They gave me a small part.Copy !req
134. I played
throws-like-a-girl.Copy !req
135. I didn't know you were married.Copy !req
136. It didn't work out.Copy !req
137. I don't know
why I ever married you.Copy !req
138. What's this?Copy !req
139. That is my pulitzer prize.Copy !req
140. Oh, no, wait.Copy !req
141. No, I'm sorry.
That's my pulitzer prize.Copy !req
142. I won this at summer camp.Copy !req
143. For what?Copy !req
144. More. More.Copy !req
145. Uh, I killed a bear.Copy !req
146. I guess I should be going,Copy !req
147. but I just can't leave.
Do you get that feeling?Copy !req
148. Yes, but I live here.Copy !req
149. No. What I mean is,Copy !req
150. this door's
going to close soon,Copy !req
151. and whether
I'm inside or outsideCopy !req
152. could change our lives forever.Copy !req
153. Say, what do you do
in your movie?Copy !req
154. I play a woman
who seduces chubby men,Copy !req
155. then kills them in their sleep.Copy !req
156. Interesting.Copy !req
157. She looks good
from every angle.Copy !req
158. Eh?Copy !req
159. Ahhh!Copy !req
160. Sorry, I'll just go
to the bathroomCopy !req
161. and let you make
a graceful escape.Copy !req
162. No, no.
I really enjoyed last night.Copy !req
163. Oh, really?Copy !req
164. You have such cute little ears.Copy !req
165. Dad, you're out of doritos.Copy !req
166. What are you doing here?Copy !req
167. We were gonna go shopping
for husky pants together.Copy !req
168. Excuse us.Copy !req
169. Then you were gonna take me
to that ice cream placeCopy !req
170. and tell them
it's my birthday again.Copy !req
171. Shh.
What?Copy !req
172. Shut up.Copy !req
173. Now, son,
you may just have noticedCopy !req
174. there was a beautiful woman
in my bed.Copy !req
175. I won't tell anyone.Copy !req
176. Actually, I wish you
would tell everyone.Copy !req
177. Particularly your motherCopy !req
178. and her personal trainer,
Alberto.Copy !req
179. He says I should
call him Uncle Al now.Copy !req
180. That's crazy.
Why should you do that?Copy !req
181. 'Cause he's such a great guy
and I like him so much.Copy !req
182. Oh.Copy !req
183. I'm going to say
something to youCopy !req
184. and I think you know
what it is.Copy !req
185. Buzz off?Copy !req
186. No.Copy !req
187. I love you.Copy !req
188. What?Copy !req
189. I love you.Copy !req
190. Wow!Copy !req
191. You know, I still
haven't heard you say it.Copy !req
192. I love you!Copy !req
193. That's all I needed to hear.Copy !req
194. My, my.
You make a lovely couple.Copy !req
195. Hey, vlada,Copy !req
196. why don't you hang this
on the wallCopy !req
197. in place of my old photo?Copy !req
198. Hey. Where is it?Copy !req
199. Uh, well, you know, um...Copy !req
200. Ugh!Copy !req
201. Mr. hawke, could I have
your autograph?Copy !req
202. I just loved you
in crocodile Gandhi.Copy !req
203. You see? People did
like that picture.Copy !req
204. I'm sorry, I just didn't thinkCopy !req
205. you made
a very convincing mahatma.Copy !req
206. I will bring peace between
the hindu and the Muslim,Copy !req
207. but first a tasteful glimpse
of my bottom for the ladies.Copy !req
208. Don't look so smug.
I've got my fans, too.Copy !req
209. Excuse me. Could I rub
your hump for luck?Copy !req
210. I don't have a hump.Copy !req
211. You hunchbacks are so selfish.Copy !req
212. Get away from me!Copy !req
213. Jay!Copy !req
214. I'll be right over.Copy !req
215. Oh, no.Copy !req
216. What's wrong, mate?Copy !req
217. I'm afraid if my
girlfriend meets you,Copy !req
218. she won't want me anymore.Copy !req
219. You've got a point, there.Copy !req
220. Women love me
no matter what I do.Copy !req
221. I've tried not shaving,
I've tried not bathing.Copy !req
222. I've even tried
talking like this.Copy !req
223. No use.Copy !req
224. Sweetheart,
this is Jeremy hawke.Copy !req
225. Hi.Copy !req
226. Honey, I was just
having lunch with my agent.Copy !req
227. Oh. Is he the one
sucking the marrow
out of the bones?Copy !req
228. Uh-huh. Well, anyway,
I'll see you tonight.Copy !req
229. I'm very happy for you.Copy !req
230. all right. All right.Copy !req
231. Congratulations, my friend.Copy !req
232. You have reached up to heaven
and plucked out an angel.Copy !req
233. I'm thinking of asking her
to marry me.Copy !req
234. Oh, you bloody twit.
Come with me.Copy !req
235. Huh!Copy !req
236. Bubbee, never marry
an actress,Copy !req
237. and never do blackface at
the n.A.A.C.P. Image awards.Copy !req
238. 2 things I've learned
from experience.Copy !req
239. But I love Valerie.Copy !req
240. I'm taking her
to meet my parents
this week.Copy !req
241. Jay, we have
a saying in Australia.Copy !req
242. Well, it's not
really a saying,
it's a drinking song.Copy !req
243. It's about a bottle of beer
and the men who loved her.Copy !req
244. And it doesn't
really apply here,Copy !req
245. but my advice to you
is slow down.Copy !req
246. Why are you telling me this?Copy !req
247. Because you're the only
decent guy I've met
in this dreadful country.Copy !req
248. I love you, mate.Copy !req
249. Wow, that's twice in one day.Copy !req
250. I love you, too.Copy !req
251. You just love my money.Copy !req
252. That is true.Copy !req
253. But it is a love
that will never die.Copy !req
254. I can't believe
your folks live here.Copy !req
255. You know, Valerie,Copy !req
256. there's something
I should tell you
about my parents.Copy !req
257. Hello, son.Copy !req
258. You're adopted.Copy !req
259. Well, duh.Copy !req
260. Good to see you,
adopted master Jay.Copy !req
261. Ugh!Copy !req
262. This is my sister, margo.Copy !req
263. She's a junior
at Ms. hathaway's school
for untouched girls.Copy !req
264. Margo, this is Valerie.Copy !req
265. She loves me.Copy !req
266. I saw your show
the other night, son.Copy !req
267. Doing the weather now, are you?Copy !req
268. No, dad.
That was the shermometer.Copy !req
269. So, my boy, do you think
it'll snow tomorrow?Copy !req
270. I don't know.Copy !req
271. Well, we sure could use
some snow.Copy !req
272. Had the chains on since July.Copy !req
273. My father had a stroke
a few years ago.Copy !req
274. He didn't really.Copy !req
275. We just say that
to explain his personality.Copy !req
276. The peanut is neither
a pea nor a nut.Copy !req
277. So, I hear you're an actress.Copy !req
278. Oh, wait.
It is a nut.Copy !req
279. Yes. My first movie
comes out next week.Copy !req
280. Oh, I see.Copy !req
281. You're just dating my son
till he gives you
a good review.Copy !req
282. Then you'll drop him,Copy !req
283. and he'll be back here
with one of those nice girlsCopy !req
284. from the escort service.Copy !req
285. I'm not dating your son
for a good review.Copy !req
286. I just hope
that after he sees the movie,Copy !req
287. he doesn't stop loving me.Copy !req
288. I'm not gonna stop loving youCopy !req
289. after I've been decaying
in the ground for 200 years.Copy !req
290. Oh! Can't one dinner go byCopy !req
291. where we don't talk
about your rotting corpse?Copy !req
292. Sorry.Copy !req
293. I'm sure Valerie loves you.Copy !req
294. I only brought it up
because we care about you.Copy !req
295. That's why we finally decided
not to give you back
to the orphanage.Copy !req
296. You were thinking
of giving me back?Copy !req
297. Oh, son, if I've said it once,
I've said it 1,000 times.Copy !req
298. Who are all you people?Copy !req
299. And this is where I had
my 8th birthday party.Copy !req
300. The clown scared me
and I wet my pants.Copy !req
301. Everyone laughed
and called me "wee wee."Copy !req
302. Kids can be so cruel.Copy !req
303. Hiya, wee wee.Copy !req
304. Still wetting them drawers?Copy !req
305. Oh, shut up!Copy !req
306. Sure thing, Mr. "w."Copy !req
307. Valerie, how'd you like
to go for a ride?Copy !req
308. Sure.Copy !req
309. Jay, are you coming?Copy !req
310. Sorry.Copy !req
311. I had a very bad experience
with a horse once.Copy !req
312. Now, before I let you
ride the pony,Copy !req
313. are you sure you weigh
less than 80 pounds?Copy !req
314. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
315. Patches.Copy !req
316. No!Copy !req
317. Now, look, I'll be honest.Copy !req
318. This is the ride I take
with all my brother's
girlfriendsCopy !req
319. where they admit
they're just using him.Copy !req
320. Why does everyone
have such a hard time
believing I love Jay?Copy !req
321. How can I put this?Copy !req
322. For one thing,Copy !req
323. his butt sticks out
like an air conditioner.Copy !req
324. Ooh, a daffodil.Copy !req
325. Listen, I meet
incredible-looking guysCopy !req
326. all the time.Copy !req
327. But I never met a man
as smart and funnyCopy !req
328. and who appreciates me
as much as your brother.Copy !req
329. Really?Copy !req
330. Really.Copy !req
331. Oh, great.Copy !req
332. Welcome to our crappy family.Copy !req
333. Hurry up, dad,Copy !req
334. you've only got 10 seconds
to get to long island.Copy !req
335. Uh-oh. Yankee stadium
is emptying out.Copy !req
336. And it's
nickel-beer day.Copy !req
337. Oh, no.
The rev. Al sharpton!Copy !req
338. Blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
339. Blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
340. Blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
341. Blah, blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
342. Dad, I've never seen
you so happy.Copy !req
343. Does this have something to doCopy !req
344. with the naked lady
you were in bed with?Copy !req
345. Ha! Out of the mouths
of babes.Copy !req
346. Son, let me tell you the key
to holding on to a woman.Copy !req
347. You must build
from a foundationCopy !req
348. of trust and understanding.Copy !req
349. If that doesn't work,
tell her you have a tumor.Copy !req
350. Either way,
the key word is "growth."Copy !req
351. I don't get it.Copy !req
352. The point is,Copy !req
353. tonight there's a screening
of my girlfriend's movie.Copy !req
354. I'm going to play sickCopy !req
355. so I don't have to review it.Copy !req
356. So, you're saying
it's ok to lie?Copy !req
357. No, son.
You should only lie
in that rare caseCopy !req
358. where the good
far outdoes the harm.Copy !req
359. My friend and I have a bet.Copy !req
360. Are you Dustin Hoffman?Copy !req
361. Yes.Copy !req
362. This is m.J.N.N.:Copy !req
363. The Michael Jackson
news network,Copy !req
364. with bureaus in Bangkok,
London and Disneyland.Copy !req
365. Sweetheart.Copy !req
366. Honey, I heard you were sick.Copy !req
367. Oh, yes, I am.Copy !req
368. Much too sick
to see your movie.Copy !req
369. Oh! Oh, poor baby.Copy !req
370. Valerie, I want to tell you
how happy you've made me.Copy !req
371. Something's opened within me.Copy !req
372. We men have petals, too,
you know.Copy !req
373. what did you say?Copy !req
374. Huh? Oh, I... I said,Copy !req
375. how useful is the spork.Copy !req
376. You know,
that spoon-fork thingCopy !req
377. you get
at Kentucky fried chicken.Copy !req
378. I covered that up pretty well.Copy !req
379. Sorry you missed
the screening of
kiss of death tonight.Copy !req
380. I'm a very sick man.Copy !req
381. Oh? Well, anyway,
they sent over
a cassette of the movie.Copy !req
382. Boss wants you
to review it tomorrow.Copy !req
383. No! No!
Oh, my shrink was right.Copy !req
384. God does hate me.Copy !req
385. Ah, come on.
How bad could she be?Copy !req
386. She's wonderful.Copy !req
387. Come on, baby, give me a kiss.Copy !req
388. Oh, I'll give you
a kiss, all right.Copy !req
389. A kiss of death.Copy !req
390. Hotchie-motchie.Copy !req
391. She's awful.Copy !req
392. "My darling, I'm going off
to review your movie.Copy !req
393. "If you're here
when I come back,Copy !req
394. "I'll know our love
really meant something.Copy !req
395. If you're not,
I'll know why."Copy !req
396. In case you are going...Copy !req
397. Yo! Get out of my way!Copy !req
398. Did you ever love
a woman so much that...Copy !req
399. look at sign.Copy !req
400. Oh!Copy !req
401. Doris, I'm about to do a reviewCopy !req
402. that could cost me
the woman I love.Copy !req
403. Gee, that's tough.Copy !req
404. Sometimes I think this job
isn't worth $271,000 a year.Copy !req
405. $271,000?Copy !req
406. Put it out!
Put out my head!Copy !req
407. You did that on purpose.Copy !req
408. So, what if I did?
I'm union.Copy !req
409. Welcome to coming attractions.Copy !req
410. Tonight we'll be reviewingCopy !req
411. family affair:
The motion picture.Copy !req
412. Just look who got $8 million
to play Mr. French.Copy !req
413. Buffy, Jody,Copy !req
414. for your lunch I have madeCopy !req
415. peanut butter
and banana sandwiches.Copy !req
416. Would you make a sandwich
for my doll, Mrs. beasley?Copy !req
417. Yeah, sure. That's exactly
what I feel like doing.Copy !req
418. Of course I can get
together a little sandwichCopy !req
419. for your
stupid little doll.
Hang on a sec'.Copy !req
420. But first, we will be lookingCopy !req
421. at the new romantic thriller,
kiss of death.Copy !req
422. I'm afraid you can't review
this filmCopy !req
423. without reviewing
its lead actress, Valerie fox.Copy !req
424. She's a beautiful girl
and she tries her best.Copy !req
425. But God bless her sweet face,Copy !req
426. she just wasn't
very good this time.Copy !req
427. But many actresses
started badly and got better.Copy !req
428. Brilliant even.Copy !req
429. Sally field,Copy !req
430. Cher,Copy !req
431. uh, those adorable
Olsen twins on full house.Copy !req
432. Oh.Copy !req
433. On this t.V.,Copy !req
434. I do believe his nose
is bigger than my foot.Copy !req
435. Look. See?
Isn't that incredible?Copy !req
436. Please, you've got to tell me.Copy !req
437. Did a beautiful woman
leave my apartment?Copy !req
438. I wouldn't know.Copy !req
439. I've been drinking
in the alley all morning.Copy !req
440. Please be there.
Please be there.
Please be there.Copy !req
441. Valerie!Copy !req
442. You're still here.Copy !req
443. You're short, you're fat,Copy !req
444. and even for a film critic,
you're ugly.Copy !req
445. Oh, I see, you want me to beg.Copy !req
446. Well, there's one thing
you didn't count on,
I have no pride.Copy !req
447. Please, please, please.Copy !req
448. Please, please.Copy !req
449. Denise, if you come back to me,Copy !req
450. I'll give up gambling for good.Copy !req
451. What a loser.Copy !req
452. Soon-yi, I... I swear
I didn't knowCopy !req
453. she was your sister.Copy !req
454. You know, a lot of people
think I'm a cynic,Copy !req
455. but I'm not.
You know why?Copy !req
456. Because I know
you're coming back to me.Copy !req
457. Now!Copy !req
458. Now!Copy !req
459. Now.Copy !req
460. I thought you were
taking Kathy out tonight.Copy !req
461. Why do they call it
"taking out"?Copy !req
462. I took her to a restaurant.
It wasn't out, it was in.Copy !req
463. I would say I'm taking her in,Copy !req
464. but then she sounds
like a pair of pants.Copy !req
465. Whoa! Oh!Copy !req
466. Why aren't you laughing, dad?Copy !req
467. This is how people
actually talk.Copy !req
468. I'm sitting on top
of a volcano of rageCopy !req
469. and I've got nowhere
to direct it.Copy !req
470. There's a critic's screeningCopy !req
471. of the new Sylvester Stallone
movie tonight.Copy !req
472. What's it about?Copy !req
473. Let's see.Copy !req
474. He plays
a concert pianist who...Copy !req
475. to the multiplex!Copy !req
476. Yeah!Copy !req
477. Celebrity voices
are impersonated.Copy !req
478. No celebrities were harmed
in the filming
of this episode.Copy !req
479. Excuse me, sir,
the show's over.Copy !req
480. Get away,
zit-face.Copy !req
481. Shh.Copy !req