1. Christmas trees!Copy !req
2. Get your Christmas trees!Copy !req
3. Don't let your neighbors
mistake you for a Moslem!Copy !req
4. Oh, Donna, I'm so happy.Copy !req
5. This is our first Christmas together.Copy !req
6. Mm...Copy !req
7. This one looks good.Copy !req
8. Hmm, full on top, big ol' bottom,Copy !req
9. just my type, right, Donna?Copy !req
10. Don't forget bushy in the front.Copy !req
11. Ooh, baby, you keep moving like that,Copy !req
12. I'm gonna jump in there for a "treeway."Copy !req
13. You freak it, you buy it.Copy !req
14. Then I guess we've got ourselves a tree.Copy !req
15. Ow, bitch! What the hell?Copy !req
16. I pick the tree for this family.Copy !req
17. You know, since Robert left,
I have been letting Rallo pick the tree.Copy !req
18. - All right, then pick one.
- I got one right here.Copy !req
19. What? That lame little pint-sized thing?Copy !req
20. There's nothing to grab onto.Copy !req
21. It's like an Asian or a little boy
or a little Asian boy.Copy !req
22. Oh, come on now. I feel ridiculous
singing that to this tree.Copy !req
23. It's wrong. Wrong!Copy !req
24. This tree is wrong!Copy !req
25. We're getting the one I want.Copy !req
26. Man, you don't know
nothing about Christmas.Copy !req
27. My real dad knew how to pick out a tree.Copy !req
28. Too bad he's busy off
busting mafia punks for the FBI.Copy !req
29. FBI? What kind of horse—Copy !req
30. Yeah, Robert's off working for the FBI.Copy !req
31. What are you talking abou— Ow! Bitch!Copy !req
32. Ow! What the hell?Copy !req
33. What is it with your family
and kicking people?Copy !req
34. How can you let Rallo believe
that Robert is an FBI agent?Copy !req
35. Maybe if it stood for
"Freeloading, Boozing Idiot."Copy !req
36. Hey, that was right off
the top of my head.Copy !req
37. Suck on that, Wayne Brady.Copy !req
38. Look, Rallo kept asking him
why he never came to visit.Copy !req
39. Next thing I know, Robert's telling himCopy !req
40. he's an undercover agent,
so I just went with it.Copy !req
41. You lied to your child?Copy !req
42. It's like my great-grandmother
used to say,Copy !req
43. "A lie is just an upside down truth."Copy !req
44. What?Copy !req
45. Hmm, can I trust Donna?Copy !req
46. Look, I'll tell him the truth
when he's older and can handle it better.Copy !req
47. I guess sometimes lying
is the right thing to do.Copy !req
48. Like the time I ran
into that guy from Entourage.Copy !req
49. Hey, you're Adrian Gr...Copy !req
50. from Entourage.Copy !req
51. Yes, I am.Copy !req
52. Yeah, you're totally believable
as a big movie star,Copy !req
53. with your weird pot belly,
spindly arms and huge head.Copy !req
54. Your body is gross.Copy !req
55. Wow! Your boss goes all out
for the office Christmas party.Copy !req
56. Why does Mr. Waterman
have shirtless men walking all around?Copy !req
57. Well, Rallo, when you're older,
there are things that—Copy !req
58. - Oh, is he a gay?
- Yes, he is a gay.Copy !req
59. Well, he knows how to do Christmas
better than you, Plump Chump.Copy !req
60. I'm gonna need this and plenty more.Copy !req
61. The bubbles tickle my nose.Copy !req
62. The Brown family's here.Copy !req
63. Hide the silver!Copy !req
64. I'm joking, of course.Copy !req
65. It's already hidden.Copy !req
66. - Welcome.
- Hello, I'm Lydia, Lloyd's wife.Copy !req
67. Oh, this is already better thanCopy !req
68. the last homosexual's
Christmas party I went to.Copy !req
69. - Great! Well, I'm going to head—
- You sit back down.Copy !req
70. Cleveland, I need a favor.Copy !req
71. You're about Fred Peterson's size,
aren't you?Copy !req
72. Ha! He wishes.Copy !req
73. Oh, you mean body size?Copy !req
74. Yeah. Why?Copy !req
75. Fred always plays Santa Claus
at these parties.Copy !req
76. Big, hearty laugh, great with the kids.Copy !req
77. Anyway, he hanged himself
in his carport last night.Copy !req
78. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
79. Don't know the details.Copy !req
80. Apparently, he had raped a bunch of folks.Copy !req
81. - Fred Peterson did?
- Yup.Copy !req
82. Mm, what people do.Copy !req
83. So I was hoping, if you don't mind,Copy !req
84. that you could put on the Santa suit
and entertain the kids.Copy !req
85. Uh... sure.Copy !req
86. It was old ladies.Copy !req
87. - Huh?
- He raped old ladies.Copy !req
88. Fred Peterson raped old ladies?Copy !req
89. - Yup.
- Mm, have mercy.Copy !req
90. Here you go.
Ooh, wait a minute, the beard.Copy !req
91. - Where is my beard?
- Right here, Lloyd.Copy !req
92. Merry Christmas, Tim.Copy !req
93. - Arianna.
- It is so nice to see you, Donna.Copy !req
94. As for your daughter's cleavage,
well, I could see that across the room.Copy !req
95. - Excuse me?
- What?Copy !req
96. And exit Tim.Copy !req
97. Hey, everybody, look outside!Copy !req
98. Ho! Ho! Ho!Copy !req
99. Merry Christmas!Copy !req
100. Oh, man! Santa Claus?Copy !req
101. Now that's a good get.Copy !req
102. You actually rented a reindeer?Copy !req
103. No, my husband owns it.Copy !req
104. So, what, he keeps it tied up somewhere,Copy !req
105. just to bring it out
on Christmas as a prop?Copy !req
106. Yes. I can't imagine how that feels.Copy !req
107. Aw, that poor reindeer.Copy !req
108. Tyra Banks says animal cruelty is wrong,Copy !req
109. except when it results
in a bacon double cheeseburger.Copy !req
110. We gotta do something about this.Copy !req
111. Merry Christmas,
children of Waterman Cable.Copy !req
112. Mm. That's what I'm noggin' about.Copy !req
113. One of you little kids get up here.Copy !req
114. All right, first off,
I've heard about your list.Copy !req
115. Now, I want you to understandCopy !req
116. that most of the stuff
I do is more limit-testingCopy !req
117. than out-and-out naughtiness.Copy !req
118. - Well, what would you like for Christmas?
- A Slinky.Copy !req
119. A'ight.Copy !req
120. Thanks, Santa.Copy !req
121. Good to know
I can count on somebody this Christmas,Copy !req
122. not like my lame-ass step-dad.Copy !req
123. Oh, I'm sure your step-dad
is doing the best he can.Copy !req
124. Santa, you're being kind,
and that's who you are, and I love that.Copy !req
125. But no, Cleveland
just plain sucks at Christmas.Copy !req
126. You got a second?Copy !req
127. Hey, Prancer,
park that tray of drinks right here.Copy !req
128. Attention, people of YouTube.Copy !req
129. Today, I am setting a reindeer free,Copy !req
130. a courageous act which may
end up being seen by Tyra Banks,Copy !req
131. who will then call me and ask me to becomeCopy !req
132. the Gayle to her Oprah,
but without the sexual obligations.Copy !req
133. Okay, I think I got him untied.Copy !req
134. Mr. Reindeer, I now give you your freed—Copy !req
135. The hooves!Copy !req
136. Or is it "huves"?Copy !req
137. Either way, this hurts like
a "myoother fyooquer."Copy !req
138. Bye!Copy !req
139. Ah, and this fool is like,Copy !req
140. "Gee, Donna, do you thinkCopy !req
141. this tinsel is a fire hazard?"Copy !req
142. I'm sure that sounds nothing like him.Copy !req
143. Meanwhile, my real dad is out there
putting his life on the line for justice.Copy !req
144. And you should see what my bozo
step-dad calls a mustache.Copy !req
145. Aw, hell no! His mustache is cool!Copy !req
146. And your dad is not an undercover agent!Copy !req
147. Your dad is nothing
but a no-good deadbeat loserCopy !req
148. - who "freelances" at a car wash!
- What?Copy !req
149. Your dad's a bum!Copy !req
150. How am I gonna get out of this one?Copy !req
151. Find out after these loud
and off-putting messages.Copy !req
152. Was Santa right about Daddy?Copy !req
153. That he lied about being an FBI agentCopy !req
154. and going undercover
as a dog to bust Michael Vick?Copy !req
155. I should've—
Santa should've kept his mouth shut.Copy !req
156. That will not smell good.Copy !req
157. I'm afraid your dad was lying, honey.Copy !req
158. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.Copy !req
159. What about all these letters
Dad sent from Russia?Copy !req
160. I sent those.Copy !req
161. What about his badge?Copy !req
162. It's a promotional item
from Paul Blart: Mall Cop.Copy !req
163. What about his FBI MVP trophy?Copy !req
164. Yeah, you can just get trophies
made for anything.Copy !req
165. You mean...?Copy !req
166. Hmm, I'm gonna keep it.Copy !req
167. I can't believe you've been lying to me.Copy !req
168. I'm so sorry, baby.Copy !req
169. Just know that your family
loves you very much.Copy !req
170. Mm...Copy !req
171. G-L-O-R-I-A!Copy !req
172. Thank you, Wally and the Fluffers.Copy !req
173. That was glorious.Copy !req
174. And now, the child who was selectedCopy !req
175. from the entire student body
to read his letterCopy !req
176. to Santa "Chhhlaus"
that just might help remind us allCopy !req
177. what "Chhhhhhhristmas" is really about,Copy !req
178. an adorable little "goy," Rallo Tubbs.Copy !req
179. "Dear Santa, (bleep) you,
and (bleep) Christmas."Copy !req
180. That's what happens when you put a Jew
in charge of a Christmas pageant.Copy !req
181. This is all your fault.Copy !req
182. You had to go get drunk
and tell him the truth about his dad.Copy !req
183. Yeah? Well, you been lying
to him for years.Copy !req
184. And it was working!Copy !req
185. At least we don't
have to lie to him anymore,Copy !req
186. 'cause I'm done making phone calls...Copy !req
187. talkin' like this.Copy !req
188. "Happy Birthday, Rallo.
How's your mama's ass look?"Copy !req
189. You know what?
This is my fault, and I'll fix it.Copy !req
190. I'll get Rallo back
into the Christmas spirit.Copy !req
191. Thanks, Cleveland.Copy !req
192. Good lookin' out, doughboy.Copy !req
193. Hey, look, Rallo!Copy !req
194. It's Stoolbend's largest
model train exhibit.Copy !req
195. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
196. Look, how festive.Copy !req
197. It's not nearly as depressing
as the real railroad industry.Copy !req
198. They say it's cheaper than flying,Copy !req
199. but that's only true if you think
your time's worth nothing.Copy !req
200. Santa's driving the train?Copy !req
201. You're a waste of a life, fat man.
Time to end it all.Copy !req
202. Blood on the tracks today in Holidaytown,Copy !req
203. where for 68 passengers,
a routine train rideCopy !req
204. to Gum Drop Village instead took a detourCopy !req
205. to the Gum Drop County Morgue.Copy !req
206. And now, over to Dirk with sports.Copy !req
207. Hey, better make that two massacres today.Copy !req
208. The Holidaytown Celebrators
were shut out eight to nothin'.Copy !req
209. A bad day indeed for pretend,
cake-figurine baseball.Copy !req
210. Merry Christmas, Cleveland.
I was your secret Santa.Copy !req
211. - Oh, pens.
- Yeah.Copy !req
212. I saw you writing
with a pen that one time,Copy !req
213. so I know you like 'em.Copy !req
214. - I do like pens!
- See? He likes pens.Copy !req
215. No, I know. No, I know he likes pens.Copy !req
216. I just thought it would look cheap.Copy !req
217. - And it does.
- Your opinion.Copy !req
218. Well, I guess it's my turn.
Here you go, Holt.Copy !req
219. A can of 25-year-old
Red Bull Private Reserve?Copy !req
220. Just like Brody Jenner drinks!Copy !req
221. My whole life,Copy !req
222. Christmas was always
about Holt not being good enough.Copy !req
223. You give me wings, bro!Copy !req
224. You give me wings!Copy !req
225. A'ight, then.Copy !req
226. Daddy issues, party of one.Copy !req
227. Yeah, well, speaking of daddy issues,Copy !req
228. I still don't know what
I'm going to do about Rallo.Copy !req
229. Maybe if we get him a big enough gift—Copy !req
230. Look, Cleveland, it seems pretty clearCopy !req
231. that Rallo feels hurt,
and he-he's just displacing his angerCopy !req
232. onto Santa and Christmas.Copy !req
233. The only gift he could
possibly want would be to see his father.Copy !req
234. The most human among us is a bear.Copy !req
235. Let that sink in.Copy !req
236. I got to go find Rallo's dad.Copy !req
237. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
238. Cleveland Jr.,
you're very lucky to have a father.Copy !req
239. You know, not all boys have fathers.Copy !req
240. Tonight I'm going to do
my best to make sureCopy !req
241. that Rallo has a father on Christmas.Copy !req
242. But it's gonna be a dangerous mission,
and I might not make it back.Copy !req
243. No, Daddy, don't go!Copy !req
244. You've been a good boy this year.Copy !req
245. I try, Daddy.Copy !req
246. Proud of you.Copy !req
247. And I bet Santa's gonna
bring you some nice gifts.Copy !req
248. - I hope so.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
249. I'm so lucky to have a son like you.Copy !req
250. So peaceful.Copy !req
251. - You're creeping me out a little, Dad.
- Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
252. Seems like just yesterday
you were standing up in your crib,Copy !req
253. shaking on the sides
like you couldn't waitCopy !req
254. to bust out of there
and explore the world.Copy !req
255. Now look at you.Copy !req
256. All fat.Copy !req
257. Can't play baseball
worth a pile of dog crap.Copy !req
258. Still writing letters
to Santa Claus at 14.Copy !req
259. Layin' back, taking it
while your dad strokes your face.Copy !req
260. What's wrong with you?
What kind of kid have I raised?Copy !req
261. Okay.Copy !req
262. Now I'm gonna go find
Rallo and Roberta's dad.Copy !req
263. You are not going out
at midnight on Christmas Eve.Copy !req
264. Try and stop me.Copy !req
265. Ah.Copy !req
266. Cleveland, nobody's been able
to track Robert down for months.Copy !req
267. Why don't you just be a normal step-dad,
buy his love and move on?Copy !req
268. No, I'm gonna give Rallo the only presentCopy !req
269. that's gonna restore
his faith in Christmas, his father.Copy !req
270. What the hell?Copy !req
271. Yoo-hoo. Everybody decent?Copy !req
272. Doughboy?Copy !req
273. What the El DeBarge are you doin' here?Copy !req
274. I need to talk to you about your son.Copy !req
275. Ma'am, I think I saw
the Atlanta Hawks out there.Copy !req
276. Look, Rallo knows you've been lying to himCopy !req
277. about being an FBI agent,
and it's ruined Christmas for him.Copy !req
278. So?Copy !req
279. The Beach Boys' Brian Wilson,Copy !req
280. his dad made him take a crockie
in a cardboard boxCopy !req
281. under the Christmas tree
in front of the entire family.Copy !req
282. Is that true?Copy !req
283. - That's what I heard.
- What the hell?Copy !req
284. Well, if so, Brian Wilson
defecated in that cardboard boxCopy !req
285. because he loved his father,
just like all boys love their fathers!Copy !req
286. No matter how bad they treat them.Copy !req
287. So I'm gonna dress up like SantaCopy !req
288. and bring you to our house
as my gift to Rallo.Copy !req
289. And if you won't do it,
you're not worth the boxCopy !req
290. Brian Wilson dropped
a little deuce coupe in.Copy !req
291. Get your hands off me.Copy !req
292. Look, Robert, this Christmas,
the best present you can give RalloCopy !req
293. is just being present.Copy !req
294. Don't you hang
your homonyms on me, doughboy.Copy !req
295. - I thought what you said was beautiful.
- Thank you.Copy !req
296. Merry Christmas, whore.Copy !req
297. Merry Christmas, Rallo.Copy !req
298. Oh, is that today?Copy !req
299. Here, baby. Look what's under the tree.Copy !req
300. Ha. A slinky.Copy !req
301. What's wrong?Copy !req
302. I remember the old RalloCopy !req
303. who used to think a toy
could fix anything.Copy !req
304. That child's a stranger to me now.Copy !req
305. Ho-ho-ho.Copy !req
306. Well, Santa,
you got some gigantic jingle bellsCopy !req
307. showing your face around here.Copy !req
308. - Santa!
- You're 14 years old.Copy !req
309. Rallo, Santa wanted to apologize
for what he said at Mr. Waterman's party.Copy !req
310. So he went out and got you
the Christmas tree you really wanted.Copy !req
311. He brought you a picture of the guy
who played Grady on Sanford and Son.Copy !req
312. Whitman Mayo! Yes! I needed him.Copy !req
313. Thanks, Santa Claus.Copy !req
314. Oh...Copy !req
315. Ho, ho, ho!Copy !req
316. Merry Christmas, peoples.Copy !req
317. - What the—?
- Oh, my word!Copy !req
318. Some type of warlock has cursed Christmas!Copy !req
319. What's goin' on around here?Copy !req
320. Maybe this will clear things up.Copy !req
321. Dad!Copy !req
322. How you doin', Rolo?Copy !req
323. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.Copy !req
324. Last night, I realizedCopy !req
325. it's important for me
to see my sperms on Christmas.Copy !req
326. What's up, Rwanda?Copy !req
327. Merry Christmas, Dad.Copy !req
328. A wise man told me, the best giftCopy !req
329. is just being here.Copy !req
330. Uh, kind of butchered it, but whatever.Copy !req
331. Look, Rocco, I'm sorry I lied
about being an FBI agent.Copy !req
332. It was a lowdown, dirty move.Copy !req
333. Wow, you actually got through to him.Copy !req
334. 'Course I did. It's my damn show.Copy !req
335. But why, Dad?Copy !req
336. Why would you lie to your own kid?Copy !req
337. I guess I didn't want you
to know the truth about me.Copy !req
338. But now it's time I told you everything.Copy !req
339. No more lies.Copy !req
340. The truth is...Copy !req
341. I am...Copy !req
342. Santa Claus.Copy !req
343. What? You're Santa Claus?Copy !req
344. You're Santa Claus?Copy !req
345. See, I live at the North Pole,
so that's why I can't visit that much.Copy !req
346. Oh, that's why you guys lied.Copy !req
347. So I wouldn't know Santa's true identity.Copy !req
348. Exactly.Copy !req
349. And so your mama
can't garnish Santa's wages.Copy !req
350. But we gotta keep this a secret.Copy !req
351. Just between us.Copy !req
352. But wait, if you're Santa Claus,
then who's this clown?Copy !req
353. Cleveland?Copy !req
354. Oh, well, that's about right.Copy !req
355. Sorry-ass wannabe
trying to be as cool as my dad.Copy !req
356. Dad, there you are.Copy !req
357. Did you know that Rallo
and Roberta's dad is Santa Claus?Copy !req
358. You're a good boy.Copy !req
359. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
360. So, this all makes sense to you, Rallo?Copy !req
361. Hell, yeah!Copy !req
362. My dad's Santa Claus!Copy !req
363. Ho-ho!Copy !req
364. A Black Santa Claus.Copy !req
365. Ho-ho-ho-ho...Copy !req