1. I love Thanksgiving.Copy !req
2. It's The Cleveland Thanksgiving,Copy !req
3. brought to you by Cascade.Copy !req
4. Cascade, your husband
will thank you for it.Copy !req
5. With special guests, Crystal Gayle,Copy !req
6. Wayland Flowers and Madame,Copy !req
7. Heisman Trophy winner, Tony Dorsett,Copy !req
8. and The Cleveland Brown Dancers.Copy !req
9. Freeze, Injun.Copy !req
10. I will now steal your land
and name my sports teams after you.Copy !req
11. Joke's on you, white man.Copy !req
12. My descendants will corner the market
on blue jean jacketsCopy !req
13. and blow cigarette smoke
in the faces of your descendants.Copy !req
14. Oh, goody! That must be my Mommy.Copy !req
15. Hi, Mom. Welcome to our new home.Copy !req
16. Cleveland!Copy !req
17. Oh, Lord, you're wasting away.Copy !req
18. Are you feeding him?Copy !req
19. Not enough. Look at me.Copy !req
20. Hello, Cookie.Copy !req
21. Well, you've been eating!Copy !req
22. Uh, we missed you at the wedding.Copy !req
23. Oh, you mean the wedding with my sonCopy !req
24. who wasn't good enough for you
25 years ago,Copy !req
25. but now, you'll take him since you've been
left with two misbehaving kids?Copy !req
26. Yes. That wedding.Copy !req
27. And for your information,
my kids do behave themselves.Copy !req
28. Ah, (bleep)!Copy !req
29. We lit this bag of dog (bleep) on fire
right on the bears' porch.Copy !req
30. Then the bear comes out and stomps on it!Copy !req
31. And he's like, "Oh, I got dog
on my (bleep) foot!"Copy !req
32. bear.Copy !req
33. Who the (bleep) is this?Copy !req
34. This is my mother.Copy !req
35. I meant no disrespect.Copy !req
36. Let me get you a Jet magazine
and some sweet tea.Copy !req
37. Oh, thank you, young man.Copy !req
38. But first, I have someone else
I'd like you to meet.Copy !req
39. Dad?Copy !req
40. Ow! My neck! My neck and my back!Copy !req
41. Hey, chunky.Copy !req
42. Sir.Copy !req
43. Donna, you remember my fatherCopy !req
44. who left my mother
for a Waffle House waitress.Copy !req
45. Twice.Copy !req
46. So, you two are back together?Copy !req
47. - Looks that way.
- Why you got to ask so many questions?Copy !req
48. Ah, girl, Thanksgiving is whack.Copy !req
49. Every moment I have to be away from you,
my heart is like, "Damn!"Copy !req
50. You know what? Hell with our families!Copy !req
51. We should have our own Thanksgiving.Copy !req
52. A romantic Thanksgiving.
Just the two of us.Copy !req
53. For real, yo?Copy !req
54. That's tight.Copy !req
55. We's Romeo and Julietin' this Turkey Day.Copy !req
56. I loves you, Ro-ham.Copy !req
57. I loves you
more than unicorns love pixie dust.Copy !req
58. You got any Fruit Stripe gum?Copy !req
59. - Ow!
- Watch where you walking, pudgy.Copy !req
60. Um, can I help you find something?Copy !req
61. Nope. I'm just looking for a glass
without a spot on it.Copy !req
62. How embarrassing!Copy !req
63. I knew I should have paid
a few cents more for Cascade.Copy !req
64. Check out baby Cleveland in the bathtub.Copy !req
65. Look at his little, bitty, tiny cashew.Copy !req
66. I can't see it.Copy !req
67. Let me get my reading binoculars.Copy !req
68. I like this kid.Copy !req
69. You know, I've been thinking.Copy !req
70. Maybe I should shoot out another kid,
try to get this one right.Copy !req
71. I've had similar thoughts.Copy !req
72. And you know,
I have not gone through the change.Copy !req
73. You gone through the change
on the outside.Copy !req
74. You know, I think it's wonderfulCopy !req
75. that the whole family will be here
for Thanksgiving supper tomorrow.Copy !req
76. Mom, did you not get my text?Copy !req
77. I'm spending Thanksgiving with Federline.Copy !req
78. You most certainly are not.Copy !req
79. Do you have any idea how much work
I am putting into this dinner?Copy !req
80. Judging from those store-bought pies
in the kitchen, I'd say not enough.Copy !req
81. Are you gonna let your crazy mother
talk to me like that?Copy !req
82. That's my mama.Copy !req
83. Are you gonna let your big-ass wife
talk to me like that?Copy !req
84. That's my wife.Copy !req
85. While you guys work that out,
I'mma get going.Copy !req
86. Roberta, your mother just wants you—Copy !req
87. You are not my father.Copy !req
88. New family's really warming up
to you, tubby.Copy !req
89. That's it!Copy !req
90. You want to dance, little lady?Copy !req
91. Fight, fight, fight!Copy !req
92. Bye, Mom!Copy !req
93. You are not going anywhere!Copy !req
94. Let go of my coat!Copy !req
95. Your coat? I paid for this coat!Copy !req
96. Hey! Cleveland's dad!Copy !req
97. Dad!Copy !req
98. - Let go of my coat!
- I paid for this coat!Copy !req
99. - Dad!
- Fight, fight, fight!Copy !req
100. Let go of my coat!Copy !req
101. Well, what in tarnation
is going on up in here?Copy !req
102. Auntie Momma!Copy !req
103. Damn skippy!Copy !req
104. Ooh-wee! Up jump the devil.Copy !req
105. Don't squeeze too tight,Copy !req
106. or else somebody's gonna have to call
the fart police.Copy !req
107. Those fillin' station nachos
are not agreeing with your Auntie Momma!Copy !req
108. I'm outrageous!Copy !req
109. Now, stop all this scrappin',Copy !req
110. dippin' and dappin',
don't know what's happenin'.Copy !req
111. Now, who's this little one?Copy !req
112. Donna, don't tell me you went and got
yourself knocked up by Anthony Anderson!Copy !req
113. You nasty girl.Copy !req
114. Hi, strange lady.
My name is Cleveland Brown Jr.Copy !req
115. And I'm Lavar Brown.Copy !req
116. But you can call me
"Freight Train."Copy !req
117. Ooh! Well, choo-choo to you!Copy !req
118. Hire me a couple Chinese,Copy !req
119. 'cause we building
a train track right here!Copy !req
120. Auntie Momma, you should have told me
you were coming!Copy !req
121. Girl, you know Auntie Momma
can't be tied down!Copy !req
122. Unless this one's doing the tying.Copy !req
123. Ooh, ooh! I'm outrageous!Copy !req
124. Hey, Auntie Momma.Copy !req
125. Cleveland Brown, as I live and breathe.Copy !req
126. Look at you, all grown up
and unconventionally sexy.Copy !req
127. Mustache all puttin'
Wilt Chamberlain's to shame.Copy !req
128. Honey, I should know.Copy !req
129. I was number 8,433 and 11,760.Copy !req
130. Ooh, I'm outrageous!Copy !req
131. Auntie Momma, we need to talk.Copy !req
132. Mm-hm. You know we will, girlfriend.Copy !req
133. I want to hear all about the young mens
up in your life!Copy !req
134. But right now, Auntie Momma's off
to the powder roomCopy !req
135. to see what all these farts are about.Copy !req
136. Maybe this Thanksgiving
won't be so bad, after all.Copy !req
137. I'm gonna clean up this broken glass.Copy !req
138. Sorry I tossed him the knife,
but I wanted him to kill you.Copy !req
139. I can see Auntie Momma's penis.Copy !req
140. Auntie Momma's penis?Copy !req
141. Let's play a game.Copy !req
142. Everybody say something weird
about themselves.Copy !req
143. I'll start.Copy !req
144. I don't have nails on my small toes.Copy !req
145. Your turn, Auntie Momma!Copy !req
146. I don't understand
why a no-good team like the LionsCopy !req
147. always gets to play on Thanksgiving.Copy !req
148. But I'd still let 'em pile up on me
in the locker room!Copy !req
149. I love a good sack!Copy !req
150. Auntie Momma!Copy !req
151. I'm outrageous.Copy !req
152. See that, Cookie?
A lady who loves football.Copy !req
153. That's a real woman.
No offense.Copy !req
154. That's an ugly apron.Copy !req
155. Whoops. Sometimes they jump on you.Copy !req
156. What's wrong with you, sourpuss?Copy !req
157. You look lower
than Clint Eastwood's testicles.Copy !req
158. We had a pretty good run.Copy !req
159. Had Angie Dickinson, didn't we, boys?Copy !req
160. She won't let me spend Thanksgiving
with Federline!Copy !req
161. Girl wants to be with her boyfriend.Copy !req
162. Pumpkin, why you trying to keep
those two lovebirds apart?Copy !req
163. Thanksgiving is about family.Copy !req
164. Roberta should be with us.Copy !req
165. Now, sweet potato puddin' plum pie,Copy !req
166. I remember another 15-year-old girl
with more boobs than brainsCopy !req
167. who thought nobody understood her.Copy !req
168. Do you know who I'm talking about?Copy !req
169. Me.Copy !req
170. And what did I tell you back then?Copy !req
171. You told me
that I should fly like a bird,Copy !req
172. because you can't keep your heart
in a cage.Copy !req
173. And then you farted.Copy !req
174. And then you said you were outrageous.Copy !req
175. That's right.Copy !req
176. And now, when I look at Roberta,
do you know what I see?Copy !req
177. A younger, stupider you.Copy !req
178. Donna, let this caged bird fly, too.Copy !req
179. I want you home before curfew.Copy !req
180. Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
181. I love you, Auntie Momma.Copy !req
182. That woman
can convince me of anything.Copy !req
183. I'll say.Copy !req
184. Donna, I need to talk to you
about Auntie Momma.Copy !req
185. Cleveland, I know, I know.Copy !req
186. She can be a little outrageous.Copy !req
187. I think even she knows that.Copy !req
188. But my whole life, she's been
the one person I could always count on.Copy !req
189. I don't know what I'd do
without my Auntie Momma,Copy !req
190. or if my image of her
was changed in any way.Copy !req
191. Now, what did you want to say?Copy !req
192. She's a handsome woman.Copy !req
193. Uh, and not like men are handsome.Copy !req
194. Like a woman is handsome.Copy !req
195. Okay, Turkey Day football game!Copy !req
196. The count's five Mississippi.Copy !req
197. I've chalked the end zones
with parmesan cheese.Copy !req
198. You get one blitz per set of downs.Copy !req
199. There's no rollover blitzes unless—Copy !req
200. - Hey!
- You talk too much, C-cup.Copy !req
201. Tubbs against Browns.Copy !req
202. Donna, you get Rallo
and the fine Auntie Momma.Copy !req
203. You got your work cut out for you.Copy !req
204. I'm kind of a ball hog.Copy !req
205. And I'm also a hog hog. Mm.Copy !req
206. Well, I don't know about all that,
but you can gargle my (bleep).Copy !req
207. You outrageous!Copy !req
208. Looks like the outrageous is contagious!Copy !req
209. Okay, we'll kick off.Copy !req
210. Train left the station and you—Copy !req
211. - Mm-mm!
- Huh?Copy !req
212. Damn! Where'd you learn to play like that?Copy !req
213. This ain't my first time
on a football field.Copy !req
214. Ask Earl Campbell what we did
on the 50-yard lineCopy !req
215. at the Astrodome back in '79.Copy !req
216. Why don't you show me?Copy !req
217. 'Cause Donna used all her Crisco
for the pancakes.Copy !req
218. There's, uh, Head and Shoulders
in the crapper.Copy !req
219. I like the way you think.Copy !req
220. Okay, you guys, kick off!Copy !req
221. Game's over. I'm about to pull my groin.Copy !req
222. Hm. That's one bald pussy.Copy !req
223. I'm worried about your mother.Copy !req
224. I'm worried about my father.Copy !req
225. I'm worried about
leaving my soda can unattended,Copy !req
226. because a bee could easily fly in there.Copy !req
227. And then I would take a sip, and that bee
could sting me inside my throat.Copy !req
228. And then people would ask,
"What's wrong, Cleveland Brown Jr.?"Copy !req
229. And I wouldn't be able to tell them
because my throat would be all closed up.Copy !req
230. Write it in your worry journal.Copy !req
231. What was that?Copy !req
232. Oh, damn. It's homelesses.Copy !req
233. Oh, my God!Copy !req
234. They stole the Cutlass!Copy !req
235. They done stripped me of my whip!Copy !req
236. Whip strip! Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
237. Mm, this Freight Train can't wait
to hook up with that caboose.Copy !req
238. All aboard.Copy !req
239. Ooh, I got a feeling sex
is going to be all sloppy with you.Copy !req
240. My reputation precedes me.Copy !req
241. Ooh.Copy !req
242. Oh, what do I do? What do I do?Copy !req
243. Do the right thing, Cleveland.Copy !req
244. Daryl Hall? What are you doing here?Copy !req
245. I'm here to weigh in on your situation.Copy !req
246. You really thinking about letting
your father walk into a wiener factory?Copy !req
247. I can't go for that. No can do.Copy !req
248. Who are you?Copy !req
249. Seriously, you got angel Daryl Hall
on your left shoulder,Copy !req
250. and you can't figure out who I am?Copy !req
251. John Oates?Copy !req
252. Actual size.Copy !req
253. Screw you, Hall.Copy !req
254. Your dad's a jerk.Copy !req
255. Don't tell him.
Let him wrangle that dangle.Copy !req
256. Well, maybe if you warn your father,
he'll finally appreciate you.Copy !req
257. I still say let him tickle that pickle.Copy !req
258. Oh, Dad, come here.Copy !req
259. Go away, fool!Copy !req
260. It's important.Copy !req
261. You can't do this, because...Copy !req
262. Dad, you came here with Mom.
Show the woman a little respect.Copy !req
263. Your mama ain't a woman.Copy !req
264. You're more of a woman than she is.Copy !req
265. Your boobs are bigger,
your ass is rounder,Copy !req
266. and your mustache ain't as thick.Copy !req
267. That is a woman!Copy !req
268. Now, if you'll excuse me, princess,Copy !req
269. I'm gonna go destroy your kids' bathroom.Copy !req
270. You know what? I take it back.Copy !req
271. You and Auntie Momma
have a great time together.Copy !req
272. I'm sure you'll learn
a lot about each other.Copy !req
273. I'm outrageous.Copy !req
274. Uh-oh.Copy !req
275. So, should we wait for Freight Train
and Auntie Momma?Copy !req
276. I don't think we'll have to wait too long.Copy !req
277. Let's just sit back and enjoy
the sounds of a Freight Train wreck.Copy !req
278. That is cold, old man,Copy !req
279. letting your own pops
fall blindly into a manhole.Copy !req
280. What? How did you know?Copy !req
281. Man, I'm five.Copy !req
282. Sitting on laps is my job.Copy !req
283. I know what's supposed to be there
and what's not.Copy !req
284. I can't say as I blame you
for not telling him.Copy !req
285. It will be pretty funny.Copy !req
286. Can you imagine?Copy !req
287. "Oh, I can't wait to reach down
and fiddle with something nice.Copy !req
288. Oh, no, what's this?Copy !req
289. This is a terrible turn of events.Copy !req
290. I'm gonna go punch Cleveland."Copy !req
291. Uh-oh.Copy !req
292. Oh, it'll be worth it.Copy !req
293. What a fine-looking meal.Copy !req
294. I am starving.Copy !req
295. I just worked up a man-sized appetite.Copy !req
296. I hope you all weren't waiting for me.Copy !req
297. I was just upstairs laying down.Copy !req
298. With your face in the pillow.Copy !req
299. Cleveland, are you okay?Copy !req
300. He'd be okay
if you didn't undercook the turkey.Copy !req
301. Undercooked?Copy !req
302. This turkey looks perfect.Copy !req
303. Mm! Smack myself in the face with it.Copy !req
304. Do you want me to get the bucket?Copy !req
305. Mm, I'm gonna reach in there
and get me some of that good stuffing.Copy !req
306. Look at there, put my hand up in there.Copy !req
307. My whole arm!Copy !req
308. Mm, mm!Copy !req
309. Now, that's a mouthful.Copy !req
310. Looks like I lost my damn watch.Copy !req
311. I don't think it's in the turkey.Copy !req
312. Gobble, gobble.Copy !req
313. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.Copy !req
314. - Hey, there's your car!
- Oh, it's on!Copy !req
315. Those homelesses
about to become toothlesses!Copy !req
316. They might already be toothlesses.Copy !req
317. I realized that as I was saying it.Copy !req
318. Hey, it's Roberta and the Friedman boy.Copy !req
319. Hey, come help us do Thanksgiving,
missionary style.Copy !req
320. It's nice to see the young people doing
the public service instead of the drugs.Copy !req
321. Like I always say,
"Helping others is the real crystal meth."Copy !req
322. Actually, we're not here to volunteer.Copy !req
323. There's one of them fools
who jacked my whip.Copy !req
324. Who, Filthy Nick?Copy !req
325. Hey, Filthy Nick,
did you steal this kid's car?Copy !req
326. Did I steal your car?Copy !req
327. Or have you had your keys all along?Copy !req
328. Damn!Copy !req
329. Pay it forward.Copy !req
330. You look lost, son.Copy !req
331. I do?Copy !req
332. I may not look like much to you,Copy !req
333. but I've peed a lot of pants in my day,
and I've learned a thing or two.Copy !req
334. First, family is the most important thing
you could ever have.Copy !req
335. Second, if you try to wash your pants
in the McDonald's bathroom,Copy !req
336. they will call the cops.Copy !req
337. Yo, Ro? Smelly was right.Copy !req
338. We should be with our families.Copy !req
339. A'ight.Copy !req
340. Filthy Nick!Copy !req
341. Send us home!Copy !req
342. I don't understand why you can do that,
but we still have to live on spare change.Copy !req
343. We're not supposed to profit
from my powers.Copy !req
344. All right, this is killing me.
What's up with you?Copy !req
345. I'm outrageous.Copy !req
346. No, this is outrageous.Copy !req
347. What do you want?Copy !req
348. First, I'll tell you what I don't want.Copy !req
349. I don't want to hold on to this anymore.Copy !req
350. You got me. I'm a man.Copy !req
351. You happy? But you can't tell Donna.Copy !req
352. - It would break her sweet little heart.
- But why would you—?Copy !req
353. Look, Donna's parents
weren't always around.Copy !req
354. And I wanted to give her
a strong female role model.Copy !req
355. So, when she was about six,
Uncle Kevin became Auntie Momma.Copy !req
356. Thirty-six years, and 19 wigs later,
here we are.Copy !req
357. But how did you and my dad—
You know, without him noticing?Copy !req
358. O-Or did he notice?Copy !req
359. Let's just say, when you've been
doing this as long as I have,Copy !req
360. you become an expert at hiding the candy.Copy !req
361. Uh, do you have, like,
a little hammock for it,Copy !req
362. or is it rigged with fishing line, or—Copy !req
363. Look, you got nothing to worry about
with me and your dad.Copy !req
364. Now that I know my Donna's in good hands,
I'll be moving on.Copy !req
365. You're a good man, Cleveland Brown.Copy !req
366. And you're a man, too, Kevin.Copy !req
367. I'm outrageous.Copy !req
368. Oh, Mama, I'm so sorry I wanted
to spend Thanksgiving with Federline.Copy !req
369. It was awful!Copy !req
370. Just as Auntie Momma planned.Copy !req
371. Auntie Momma,
is there anything you can't do?Copy !req
372. - I can't do it with the lights on!
- What?Copy !req
373. W-W-Well, we're glad
to have you home, Roberta.Copy !req
374. Happy Thanksgiving.Copy !req
375. And now that my work is done,Copy !req
376. I better leave
before I turn into a blumpkin.Copy !req
377. You're leaving?Copy !req
378. Yeah, Peabo Bryson
is performing in Hampton,Copy !req
379. and he likes me naked in his tour bus
when he gets off stage.Copy !req
380. Wow, Auntie Momma.Copy !req
381. You know singers from yesteryear.Copy !req
382. Donna, it fills my heart
to see you so happy.Copy !req
383. Got room for me in that trunk of yours?Copy !req
384. Oh, Lavar.Copy !req
385. What we shared on that bathroom floor
and on Cleveland's pillow was beautiful.Copy !req
386. But Auntie Momma's not a one-man woman,Copy !req
387. or a one-town woman.Copy !req
388. Yep. Bye-bye.Copy !req
389. All right, y'all. I'm outta here!Copy !req
390. In three, two, one...Copy !req
391. I'm outrageous!Copy !req
392. That little lady just farted off
with a piece of my heart.Copy !req
393. I'm going after her.Copy !req
394. Hey, dummy, get me a skateboard
and a burrito.Copy !req
395. Before you go chasing her down,
I got to tell you something, Dad.Copy !req
396. Said her real name's Kevin.Copy !req
397. Been hiding the candy for 36 years.Copy !req
398. You... had sex... with a man.Copy !req
399. You have to promise
not to say anything to Donna.Copy !req
400. Yeah, uh, I'm gonna be
playing this down in general.Copy !req
401. Now, why don't you go in there
and say something nice to my mom?Copy !req
402. She's had a hard day
watching you play grab-ass with a tranny.Copy !req
403. Hey, Cookie.Copy !req
404. Hey, Freight Train.Copy !req
405. Hair looks real.Copy !req
406. Why, thank you.Copy !req
407. Hey, look, Grandpa Freight Train,
Auntie Momma dropped your watch.Copy !req
408. Put that down!Copy !req