1. I love minor league baseball.Copy !req
2. Nothing like watching a bunch of people
I've never heard of not play very well.Copy !req
3. One bounce!
Coming along, George, coming along!Copy !req
4. Thank you!Copy !req
5. Bottom of the eighth, one-nothing.Copy !req
6. Too bad we were in the bathroom
for that home run.Copy !req
7. I'm sorry I needed you
to hold my arms, Daddy,Copy !req
8. but I didn't wanna sit on the wet seat.Copy !req
9. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Having good time at the ballgame.Copy !req
10. You know what that tune means.Copy !req
11. It's time for the Kiss Cam,
brought to you by Waterman Cable.Copy !req
12. Waterman Cable, we're a monopoly.Copy !req
13. Ooh, chocolate-vanilla swirl,
chocolate-vanilla swirl!Copy !req
14. Ha! You get it, man!Copy !req
15. They're gonna make a baby Derek Jeter.Copy !req
16. Cleveland, it's your hot
stepdaughter and her boyfriend.Copy !req
17. Oh. Hey, what year was she born again?Copy !req
18. She's not born again.Copy !req
19. Born-agains are crazy and off-putting.Copy !req
20. Hold my beer, Rallo.Copy !req
21. This will not stand.Copy !req
22. Bad hormone-ridden adolescent!Copy !req
23. Bad, bad!Copy !req
24. Cleveland, what is it?Copy !req
25. It's Roberta, and it's bad.Copy !req
26. Really bad.Copy !req
27. Oh, my God! What, Cleveland?Copy !req
28. This afternoon...Copy !req
29. I'm sorry. I ran up the stairs.Copy !req
30. Where's Roberta?Copy !req
31. Uh...Copy !req
32. I'm gonna need that glass of water.Copy !req
33. This afternoon at the baseball game,Copy !req
34. Roberta and Federline
were all over each other,Copy !req
35. groping, squeezing, petting,Copy !req
36. dry-humping, tongues wagging,Copy !req
37. probably causing a dot on his underpants.Copy !req
38. Oh, it was bad.Copy !req
39. They were making out at the ball game?Copy !req
40. That's it? Cleveland, Roberta's fine.Copy !req
41. She's a teenager.Copy !req
42. That's why I've already had
the safe-sex talk with herCopy !req
43. in case she does make that choice.Copy !req
44. Donna, your idea of safe sex
is why Roberta's here today.Copy !req
45. Nasty, nasty Roberta.Copy !req
46. Mmm! Good sundaes.Copy !req
47. Roberta, do you know what a hymen is?Copy !req
48. That Jewish guy that works
at the video store?Copy !req
49. That's right.
And you know what he told me?Copy !req
50. He told me that a young woman's
virginity is precious.Copy !req
51. Please stay a virgin, Roberta.Copy !req
52. What? I've overheard you with your friendsCopy !req
53. bragging about how many girls
you slept with in high school.Copy !req
54. True, but they were terrible women.Copy !req
55. Most of them are dead!Copy !req
56. Fed and I aren't even doing
anything that bad,Copy !req
57. and what we are doing
is none of your damn business!Copy !req
58. How about that, huh?Copy !req
59. Kids today. Just makes you think
about our country's values.Copy !req
60. Have we lost our way?Copy !req
61. Heck, did we ever even have our way?Copy !req
62. Time was, everybody knew everybody else.Copy !req
63. People said hello and they meant it.Copy !req
64. Folks went to bed at a decent time,
and jeans were only worn by prisoners.Copy !req
65. Someone would invite you over for coffee,Copy !req
66. and you'd wind up talking
for eight straight days.Copy !req
67. Some people think
this modern society's an improvement.Copy !req
68. My question is, "An improvement on what?"Copy !req
69. Roberta, please pass me the olive oil.Copy !req
70. The extra-virgin kind,
not the regular kind that is not virginCopy !req
71. and therefore is a lesser olive oil
because the flavor has been tainted,Copy !req
72. causing it to be gross and much cheaper
since nobody wants it.Copy !req
73. May I be excused, Mother?Copy !req
74. Yes, you may.Copy !req
75. Cleveland, what do you think you're doing?
I told you I'd taken care of this.Copy !req
76. I know you think you did,Copy !req
77. but every girl needs a man to tell her
what to do with her body.Copy !req
78. That's just common sense.Copy !req
79. Why is it so important for Roberta
to be a virgin, Daddy?Copy !req
80. Well, thank you, Cleveland, Jr.Copy !req
81. If I told you that you could open up
a new soda popCopy !req
82. or drink one that had
had seven penises in it,Copy !req
83. which one would you prefer?Copy !req
84. I would probably go with the new soda popCopy !req
85. 'cause the other one
might have blood in it.Copy !req
86. "Because the other one
might have blood in it."Copy !req
87. You know, you know, Cleveland,
for-for centuries,Copy !req
88. the Christian church has been
frowning on sex and other fun things.Copy !req
89. Our pastor is giving a sermon
on teen abstinence this Sunday.Copy !req
90. You-you should come and bring
that slutty stepdaughter of yours.Copy !req
91. I think that's a great idea.Copy !req
92. Any other new business?Copy !req
93. Then we're adjourned.Copy !req
94. What are these people wearing?Copy !req
95. It's like they're going to
a happy funeral.Copy !req
96. Oh, the pageantry!Copy !req
97. My humble sweater vest looks foolishCopy !req
98. amongst these fancy hats of fruit,
feathers and foliage.Copy !req
99. I need to go to the haberdasher.Copy !req
100. Let me get a hookup
from my man, Donovan McNabb.Copy !req
101. Uh, Philadelphia. Residence.Copy !req
102. Donovan McNabb.Copy !req
103. "Not listed?"Copy !req
104. Dallas, Texas. Residence.Copy !req
105. Michael Irvin.Copy !req
106. Connect me.Copy !req
107. Yo, Playmaker, it's Rallo.Copy !req
108. Listen, man, I need a hookup on a suit.Copy !req
109. - Rallo, your phone's made of chocolate.
- You're made of chocolate.Copy !req
110. Sorry about that, Michael.Copy !req
111. Michael? Oh, man, he hung up.Copy !req
112. Probably went to go stab a guy
in the neck with scissors.Copy !req
113. May the peace of the Lord be with you.Copy !req
114. Holla!Copy !req
115. Today's word is about
resisting temptation,Copy !req
116. about calming those fires
that burn in our loins.Copy !req
117. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
118. Those fires that can lead to destruction
in our livesCopy !req
119. and turn promise into despair.Copy !req
120. All right, look, look, at this point,Copy !req
121. I gotta ask the congregation
to please refrainCopy !req
122. from shouting stereotypical responses
and/or catchphrasesCopy !req
123. to everything I say.Copy !req
124. Oh, snap!Copy !req
125. All right, let us turn to a readingCopy !req
126. of the letter of Chlamydias
to the Gonorrheans,Copy !req
127. teenage sex is Yuck City.Copy !req
128. It leadeth to pregnancy,Copy !req
129. obesity, illiteracy, and diseasacy.Copy !req
130. Gross!Copy !req
131. But there is a hope
all across this great land.Copy !req
132. Teenagers are taking a pledge,
the purity pledge,Copy !req
133. to hand over their virginity
to their fathers,Copy !req
134. the high priests of the home.Copy !req
135. Hear that?Copy !req
136. I'm the high priest of our home.Copy !req
137. I would like roast beef for dinner.Copy !req
138. Shut the (bleep) up!Copy !req
139. So I ask who here will be saved
and take this honorable purity pledge?Copy !req
140. I will. I, Brandy Young,
pledge my virginity to my dad!Copy !req
141. I, Jocelyn Beokabatuka,
pledge my virginity to my dad.Copy !req
142. I, Laura Davis,
pledge my virginity to my dad.Copy !req
143. Roberta, I'd very much like
your virginity.Copy !req
144. Give me it! Give me it!
Give me your virginity!Copy !req
145. I, Cleveland Brown, Jr.,
pledge my virginity to my dad,Copy !req
146. Cleveland Brown.Copy !req
147. - What?
- No, he di'int!Copy !req
148. This place, always something.Copy !req
149. And the best part is, the Reverend saysCopy !req
150. the girls and I get to go
to a purity ball...Copy !req
151. with our dads!Copy !req
152. We gotta go shopping, Daddy,
so we can get matching suits.Copy !req
153. Junior, we're not going to that dance.Copy !req
154. What's wrong, Cleveland?Copy !req
155. You don't like balls
as much as your son likes balls?Copy !req
156. You know what, Junior?Copy !req
157. You and your dad should go to that dance,
because teenage chastity is so important.Copy !req
158. Isn't that why you took us
to church today, Cleveland?Copy !req
159. Oh, man, this is going even worse
than when I inventedCopy !req
160. that portable shoe toilet.Copy !req
161. Well, it saved me a trip to the bathroom,Copy !req
162. but now I'm gonna have to worry
about spilling it all day.Copy !req
163. Oh, thank God!Copy !req
164. Oh, boy!Copy !req
165. Hey, morning, Cleveland.Copy !req
166. - How was your weekend?
- Fine.Copy !req
167. Do anything special? Football game?Copy !req
168. Sunday brunch?Copy !req
169. No, he got humiliated at church by his son
pledging his virginity to him.Copy !req
170. I'm-I'm sorry. I-I had to tell them.Copy !req
171. Well, if it ain't the virgin father.Copy !req
172. And him.Copy !req
173. Hey, Cleveland, Brokeback Mountain,Copy !req
174. that's your son.Copy !req
175. And-and him.Copy !req
176. You guys don't even work here.Copy !req
177. How come security didn't stop you
on the way in?Copy !req
178. We took a break so we could laugh
at your gay son.Copy !req
179. Now wait
just a cotton-pickin' minute, Tim.Copy !req
180. Church was your idea.Copy !req
181. You're the one who said Jesus hates sex.Copy !req
182. What, are you nuts?Copy !req
183. Jesus wants to keep the females pure,
not the males.Copy !req
184. You-you think he died
so that men don't have sex?Copy !req
185. That-that's the stupidest thing
I ever heard.Copy !req
186. Hey, hey, everybody, I'm Jesus,
and I'm gonna die a painful deathCopy !req
187. so none of you dudes get laid.Copy !req
188. Yeah, yeah, like-like,
I'm gonna pray to this guy.Copy !req
189. You want my cherry, Dad?Copy !req
190. Sure.Copy !req
191. Junior, a boy's virginity
is a terrible burden,Copy !req
192. and it must be cast off on any girl
who will take it.Copy !req
193. But the Reverend says premarital sex
will make your genitalsCopy !req
194. and your soul burn.Copy !req
195. Oh, boys don't get
most of the bad diseases.Copy !req
196. And if you get herpes, who cares?Copy !req
197. Eighty percent of food preparers
in this country have herpes.Copy !req
198. Daddy, do you want me to get herpes?Copy !req
199. I want you to at least try.Copy !req
200. I guess I'll have to scare
some sense into you.Copy !req
201. Junior, if you don't give up your pledge,
you'll end up like this.Copy !req
202. Behold the terrible, ugly consequences
of male virginity!Copy !req
203. Oh, cool. Is that Worf?Copy !req
204. I apologize for that confusing example.Copy !req
205. I forgot that virgins have so much
free time on their hands,Copy !req
206. they end up having
some pretty neat hobbies.Copy !req
207. Junior, go play with your action figures.Copy !req
208. Remembering, of course, to leave them
in their original packaging.Copy !req
209. I'll be right in.Copy !req
210. Roberta, will you please leave us alone?Copy !req
211. Don't hurt him, Cleveland!Copy !req
212. Ah, not the grill, yo.Copy !req
213. Put your arms down, fool.Copy !req
214. Look, even though you're nothing
but a lame inside-out Oreo,Copy !req
215. you seem to have a certain way
with the ladies.Copy !req
216. And as someone close
to Cleveland Jr.'s age,Copy !req
217. I think you can help him realize the joys
of being around girls.Copy !req
218. Federline, will you help me?Copy !req
219. Aw, blap! You flipped the script!Copy !req
220. Script flip! Ooh-ooh!Copy !req
221. I don't— What?Copy !req
222. Script flip.Copy !req
223. See, now you need something from me, pops,
and it's gonna cost you.Copy !req
224. What do you want?Copy !req
225. I wanna be able to bring
my brown sugar home at 1:00 am.Copy !req
226. Not no 10:30 p.m., yo.Copy !req
227. Midnight. Take it or leave it.Copy !req
228. Ho-ho-hold up, pops.Copy !req
229. Ain't nobody getting off this whip
without dropping some freestyle.Copy !req
230. You know what I'm sayin'.Copy !req
231. Oh, I don't know if I could possibly...Copy !req
232. Peace!Copy !req
233. Damn.Copy !req
234. Nick, nack, paddy wack,
crack-a-lack, Jack!Copy !req
235. I'm out.Copy !req
236. All right, so your pops want me
to put you up on game, right?Copy !req
237. You see them shorties?Copy !req
238. Go up and twist your fingers
all up, like, "Westside!"Copy !req
239. And be like, "What up, hoes?"Copy !req
240. Then make them give you $40.Copy !req
241. Yeah, so what happened
with the fly honeys?Copy !req
242. Well, I called them all whores
like you said,Copy !req
243. and then I explained what happens
to whores.Copy !req
244. And that made them sad,
but I told them how they could be saved,Copy !req
245. like I was with the purity pledge,Copy !req
246. and then they gave me $22.Copy !req
247. That's all they had.Copy !req
248. I might be a virgin,Copy !req
249. but I'll kick your ass
you do that again.Copy !req
250. Hey, Cleveland.
The Birdcage? That's your son.Copy !req
251. No, wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
252. Rebecca Gayheart, that's your son.Copy !req
253. Hey, Lester, give me a hot sausage!Copy !req
254. That is what she didn't say
when she was with your son.Copy !req
255. Okay, okay, I got one.Copy !req
256. "I'm Cleveland Jr.Copy !req
257. Oh, no, my wiener fell off and broke.Copy !req
258. Oh, that's okay. I don't need it."Copy !req
259. I'm not that broken sausage.Copy !req
260. Don't cry, Junior.Copy !req
261. I want to lose my virginity
so my daddy will love me.Copy !req
262. Listen, my dad goes to this place.Copy !req
263. Sometimes he has me wait in the car,
but I looked through the windows once,Copy !req
264. and I saw people doing all sorts
of naked things to each other.Copy !req
265. I'm telling you,
it was like a live internet.Copy !req
266. Will they take my virginity?Copy !req
267. For $35, they'll take anything
and give you herpes.Copy !req
268. My dad loves herpes!Copy !req
269. I hope I'm her first, too.Copy !req
270. Hey, fellas. Deviled egg, anyone?Copy !req
271. Kendra, there's deviled eggs.Copy !req
272. You wanna marinate 'em in your folds
or eat 'em as is?Copy !req
273. I can't get out there.Copy !req
274. Somebody done stole my Rascal.Copy !req
275. Probably some Bla—Copy !req
276. I'll come and help you.Copy !req
277. Hey, I brought these eggs for Junior.
Where is he?Copy !req
278. - He said he was coming over here.
- I haven't seen him.Copy !req
279. The Rascal's gone.Copy !req
280. And the money's missing
from the whore jar.Copy !req
281. Whore jar?Copy !req
282. It's where a man
keeps his money for prostitutes.Copy !req
283. I bet Ernie took it.Copy !req
284. Ernie, where the hell are you?Copy !req
285. Wait a minute.Copy !req
286. If Cleveland Junior's not here
and Ernie's not here,Copy !req
287. and the Rascal's gone—Copy !req
288. And money designated specifically
for prostitutes is missing—Copy !req
289. Then Cleveland Jr. must have overhead us
making fun of him.Copy !req
290. And he and Ernie
decided to hotwire the RascalCopy !req
291. and take the money to the whorehouse
to lose their virginitiesCopy !req
292. and regain your respect.Copy !req
293. She's right. Good job, Mystery Bunch.Copy !req
294. Lester and I will take it from here.Copy !req
295. Portal!Copy !req
296. Yep, that's my Kendra.Copy !req
297. Hey, Velvet. Hey, Mabel.Copy !req
298. Hey, Xianhanxinganwa.Copy !req
299. You whores seen a couple of kids
snooping around here?Copy !req
300. Are you looking for the guy
that's about this wide,Copy !req
301. uh, he look like he could be your son?Copy !req
302. Yes, I am.Copy !req
303. Oh, he up with One-Arm Mavis.Copy !req
304. Oh. Well, he's in good hand.Copy !req
305. Wait, he's with Two-Virgine Marlene.Copy !req
306. Oh, no. Not Two-Virgine Marlene.Copy !req
307. He's got a 50-50 chance
of getting gonorrhea.Copy !req
308. Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish.Copy !req
309. How many pieces do you— Dad!Copy !req
310. Junior!Copy !req
311. Come on, we're getting out of here.Copy !req
312. No, I'm not going.Copy !req
313. I'm gonna stay here and see this through,
so you won't be ashamed of me anymore.Copy !req
314. I'm not ashamed of you.Copy !req
315. Well, I was, but that wasn't right.
I see that now.Copy !req
316. Oh, Junior, this isn't how I wanted you
to experience your first time.Copy !req
317. I thought maybe
it'd be in the back of your car,Copy !req
318. or behind the bleachers,
or in the woods on a pile of leavesCopy !req
319. with a blanket tossed on top,Copy !req
320. with a girl who has to get up
every few minutes to throw up.Copy !req
321. The point is,
it should be a beautiful thing,Copy !req
322. and it will be, when you're ready.Copy !req
323. So, you're not ashamed of me?Copy !req
324. No.Copy !req
325. Yes, you are.Copy !req
326. Cleveland Jr., will you do me the honor
of being my date at the purity ball?Copy !req
327. - Really?
- I can do you both right here, right nowCopy !req
328. for 40 bucks.Copy !req
329. You know what?Copy !req
330. Aside from the fact
that I'm a happily married manCopy !req
331. and that this is my son,Copy !req
332. there's no way he and I could do that
without crossing drumsticks.Copy !req
333. So, thank you, ma'am, but no thanks.Copy !req
334. Well, aren't we a regular Fred Astaire
and Fred Astaire, Jr.?Copy !req
335. Thanks, Dad.
I'll get us some purity punch.Copy !req
336. - Where did you learn to dance so well?
- You looked great out there.Copy !req
337. My dad thinks I look hot.
Do you?Copy !req
338. Excuse me. Back off.Copy !req
339. He's the only boy here.Copy !req
340. You know I think it's sweet
that you gave your virginity to your dad.Copy !req
341. I saw a lady with two virgines yesterday.Copy !req
342. I like you.Copy !req
343. Oh, hey.Copy !req
344. Dad, guess what.Copy !req
345. I just got kissed on the lips.Copy !req
346. Oh, that's bull.Copy !req
347. I'm serious.Copy !req
348. It was that girl right there.Copy !req
349. Maybe I should stay in charge
of my virginity after all.Copy !req
350. Say, when did you lose
your virginity, Dad?Copy !req
351. When I was nine.Copy !req