The Cleveland Show 1x4

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When Cleveland needs a new job, Tim hooks him up at Waterman Cable. However, when Cleveland becomes the top salesman, Tim is green with envy and wishes for bad things to happen to Cleveland. But when Cleveland comes up on some bad luck and misfortune, Tim has a change of heart.

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1. All right. Herbie Hancock's coming to town.

2. Hey, old man, buy me some Herbie Hancock tickets.

3. You don't know nothing about Herbie Hancock.

4. What? Don't you tell me I don't know about Herbie Hancock.

5. I love Herbie Hancock.

6. Me, too.

7. "Rockit."

8. How does "Rockit" go?

9. Aw, doggone it. Now you've got me doing it.

10. You've Herbie Hancock-blocked me.

11. Kids, I've told you three times now to go make your beds.

12. You get two more times,

13. then a final warning, and then I go to work angry.

14. I already made my bed, Miss Donna.

15. Is that sarcasm, Junior?

16. Because if there's one thing I do not understand, it's sarcasm.

17. No, I'm telling the truth.

18. Oh.

19. Well, then, thank you.

20. What kind of idiot makes their bed?

21. Dam-fa-foo-dun-may-he-beyad. Shoot.

22. Naw-a-gah-may-mah-beyad, dayum.

23. I'm proud of you, son.

24. Now maybe you could work on eating a little slower.

25. And not as much.

26. And not so often.

27. And maybe you could exercise.

28. Maybe you could get a job.

29. Oh-ho-ho!

30. You know I been looking.

31. I just haven't found the right one yet.

32. Last week I answered an ad

33. for an old, grizzled cop two days from retirement.

34. Okay, Brown, go draw their fire.

35. But I'm two days from retirement.

36. All right, I'll go.

37. Oh, well, I'm two days from retirement.

38. And then I tried my hand as a singing spokesman

39. for a furniture flea market.

40. Can I have a beer, please?

41. - Me, too. - And I, as well.

42. Give me a Stoli Red Bull, sugar-free.

43. I got my father's hips.

44. Just order a beer, fool.

45. Whoa, watch out for this guy, huh?

46. Cleveland, wh-wh-wh-what's up with the... with the short fuse, man?

47. Aw, I'm just having trouble finding gainful employment.

48. Oh, yeah, finding a job is hard.

49. I've never found one.

50. Yeah I-I-I had to ask Jesus to lead me to the job of my dreams,

51. and when he did, I knew that he was the guy

52. that I wanted to keep going to, to ask for things.

53. Last year, I asked Jesus for tickets to the ESPYs.

54. He didn't come through, so I just watched it on my plasma.

55. - Oh, in your mom's basement? - Shut up!

56. You know, uh, Cleveland, there's, uh, an opening

57. in my department down at the cable company.

58. I-I-I could put in a good word for you.

59. Telemarketing?

60. Yes! Yeah— Why— You— Why does everyone always say it like that?

61. Telemarketing is the chatter of the global marketplace.

62. Ring, ring. Hello?

63. Cleveland, it's your future.

64. Are you going to answer it, or quietly whisper to me,

65. "Tell them I'm not here."

66. Plus, for every new employee I bring in,

67. I get a 200 dollar bonus.

68. And I sure could use it

69. after I donated all that money to help fight bear AIDS.

70. Did you get the bear to wear the condom?

71. Oh, cool! Cubicles!

72. Good morning, Mr. Waterman.

73. Everything okay here, Tim?

74. Oh, yes. Thank you.

75. Say "pineapple" if you want me to get security.

76. Oh, no, no, no, Mr. Waterman,

77. this is, this is Cleveland, the guy I was telling you about.

78. You didn't tell me he was...

79. Okay, here's your desk and your phone.

80. Uh, the keypad has several buttons with numbers

81. and other things on them.

82. You-you-you'll probably just use the ones with the numbers though, I would think.

83. Okay, so I've got you down for one deluxe package

84. with high-speed Internet.

85. No, thank you, sir.

86. I just made my first sale!

87. Holy smokes, I've never seen beginner's luck like that before.

88. Okay, bye now.

89. Hey, my phone is filled with silver dollars!

90. Bees!

91. No!

92. All right.

93. No!

94. Great job, Cleveland.

95. Sorry for judging you earlier today.

96. I did what I grew up watching my mother do:

97. underestimate minorities.

98. Course, then she'd sleep with them.

99. She sounds like someone I would dislike,

100. and then like a lot, and then dislike again.

101. So, no two months gets the same exotic coffee, right?

102. Portugal?

103. Do they know coffee in Portugal?

104. Oh, tha-that sounds expensive.

105. W-We have Folgers Crystals.

106. You have Folgers Crystals.

107. Yes, you have my card on file.

108. Thank you.

109. Uh, I'm-I'm-I'm gonna go and, uh, take out the trash.

110. Okay, but when you get back,

111. you're gonna crawl down under these sheets

112. and take care of Mama Bear.

113. You're watching "Ike Turner Classic Movies."

114. Why don't you come up and see me sometime?

115. What the hell did you just say?

116. I didn't say nothin', Ike.

117. Why you— Make— Me— Treat— You— Like— This?

118. Huh? Huh?

119. Roberta, Rallo. Cleveland Jr. folded the laundry,

120. and I think you two should put it away.

121. Put away my laundry?

122. It's not my job to pick up after myself.

123. I'm not my mother.

124. You'll get this back when you're done with the laundry.

125. Aw, man. Now what am I supposed to...

126. Oh, there's a book.

127. Don't laugh, America.

128. Don't laugh.

129. Can I have your attention, please?

130. Due to his remarkable sales, I'm giving this week's

131. "Employee of the Week" award to Cleveland Brown.

132. Hooray!

133. As part of your "Employee of the Week" award,

134. here's 200 dollars bonus.

135. Neat!

136. Hey, Tim, you want to come out with me tonight

137. while I mindlessly blow through all this extra money?

138. No, no, no, thanks.

139. You-you-you go on ahead.

140. I'm going to stay late and try to make a few more sales.

141. Okay.

142. I might just go buy myself...

143. - What are you doing? - Oh, uh... Oh, hey, Arch.

144. - What are you doing, Tim? - Oh, nothing.

145. Tim, those are for us at work, not to take home.

146. Well... Yeah, well, I didn't use any today,

147. so I figured what I didn't use I could take home.

148. No. That's not how this works.

149. Well, it's just that, my wife, she puts these in her diet sodas

150. because she likes so much chemicals, you know?

151. - Then what are the coffee filters for? - Uh...

152. Why don't you just go ahead and put everything back?

153. Look, it's been a hard month.

154. Sometimes months are hard.

155. You going to bring in extra stuff when things are going good?

156. Well, see you tomorrow, Arch.

157. No, you won't. Taking a vacation day.

158. Whoa, what's this?

159. My chore wheel.

160. It makes doing chores even more fun.

161. Watch.

162. Gutter patrol! All right!

163. We got to stop this before it's too late.

164. I know! Look what happened when nobody stopped Robert Redford.

165. Let me get this straight.

166. For only $10,000, I can have every inch of my skin replaced

167. - with fried chicken? - That's correct.

168. I'd be a fool not to.

169. Oh, no way!

170. Terry Kimple's in the house, y'all!

171. Hey, Cleveland! Holy smokes!

172. What are you doing here?

173. Just trying to be as cool as you.

174. Well, you're going to need some tighter pants.

175. Hey, Tim. Terry here was my best friend in high school.

176. He even saved my life once.

177. Ah, I just did a solid for a friend.

178. You'd have done the same thing.

179. Hey, man, I needed this.

180. - Thank you. - No problemo.

181. Hey, what are you kids doing?

182. I assume this is yours?

183. Aw, that is racist.

184. Come on, wise guy. Let's go.

185. Now, hang on, chief.

186. Cleveland didn't know nothing about this.

187. That there weed? Well, it belongs to me.

188. Terry, you could get expelled.

189. That's all right, man.

190. Your future's a hell of a lot brighter than mine is.

191. Heck, you could be the first Black president of the United States.

192. You take this opportunity and you use it, Cleveland.

193. Let's go.

194. You use it! Use it, man!

195. You use it!

196. So, how did your life turn out?

197. Well, when my adulterous ex-wife took my house in our divorce,

198. I moved back to town and hastily married a woman

199. I had not seen nor spoken to in over 20 years.

200. So, in addition to my own emotionally fragile son,

201. I'm now responsible for two ill-mannered stepchildren,

202. which is why I got an entry-level telemarketing job

203. at the cable company.

204. So, pretty good, I guess.

205. What? Oh, sorry, man. Sorry.

206. I was just checking out that pair of legs down there.

207. I see Terry Kimple hasn't changed.

208. Yeah! The ladies love my cable truck.

209. It's a hot fur magnet.

210. Hey, you know what?

211. You should come out with me on my calls today.

212. We could catch up.

213. Lord Jesus, could you please encourage Cleveland

214. to go with Terry in his hot fur magnet, so I can catch up to his sales?

215. Hey, Tim, will you be all right if I leave you?

216. Oh, yeah! Yeah. Have a good time.

217. Thanks, Jesus.

218. Okay, now, maybe we can talk

219. about bringing back Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

220. Hey, Cleveland Jr.

221. My day's going well.

222. How 'bout "chores"?

223. That's a funny way to say it.

224. But it's going all right.

225. Don't be smart.

226. You listen to me, Jack.

227. You better stop cleaning up around here, or things are going to get messy.

228. Like this!

229. No!

230. Tuck in the corners, just like Mommy did it.

231. Just like things were when Mommy did it.

232. And don't divorce the sheets.

233. The sheets must never be divorced.

234. , dude.

235. So, I said, "I don't care if you're pregnant.

236. That's a three-way in my book."

237. This is humorous. Why aren't you laughing, Tim?

238. Yeah, what is this? Is your wife having her bear period?

239. - Oh, gross. - Why would you say that?

240. Let me get the next round.

241. I'm still playing with that sweet bonus.

242. Uh, actually, uh, Cleveland, do you think I could use the five dollars

243. you would spend on that beer, maybe for a sandwich for me?

244. Seriously? What, am I buying rounds of food now?

245. Hey, I'll tell you what, Tim.

246. You show us your bear penis, and I'll buy you a whole steak.

247. Oh...

248. Hey, Yogi.

249. Is it bigger than the average bear's?

250. He has a bear penis.

251. Go ahead and laugh at the financially struggling bear.

252. I hope...

253. I hope Jesus makes something bad happen to you.

254. There. I said it.

255. So, were you serious about the "penis for steak" deal?

256. You okay to drive? You're a little drunk.

257. Yeah, well, thanks to my mama, I was born a little drunk.

258. - Oh, no, no, no! - Oh... Uh-oh.

259. Oh, no. This is bad, man.

260. This will be my third DUI.

261. I'm going to go to jail. I'm going to lose my job.

262. They're going to make me cut my hair!

263. That there weed? Well, it belongs to me.

264. I just did a solid for a friend.

265. You'd have done the same thing.

266. ET's finger!

267. Phone home!

268. You go on and get out of here. I was driving this truck.

269. You're a good friend, man.

270. Thanks.

271. Check him for drugs.

272. Oh, that's racist.

273. No, this is racist:

274. Asian people are horrible drivers.

275. Ooh-hoo!

276. Now, get in the car.

277. - Aw... - Aw... so.

278. Thanks for bailing me out, sweetheart.

279. Baby, I'm a ride-or-die bitch, you know that.

280. You're a good man, Cleveland Brown,

281. covering for your friend, and I'm proud to be your wife.

282. But we're in trouble, Donna.

283. I'll probably get fired for this.

284. And what if you go to jail?

285. The thought of my man in prison lifting rusty weights all day,

286. getting hard, fighting for his life in the shower,

287. all soaped up and shiny?

288. Mmm...

289. Mm-hmm, beating down a man for fronting me in the yard.

290. Oh, yeah!

291. I mean, who the hell does he think he is, anyway?

292. - What makes him think I won't cut him? - Oh, Cleveland!

293. Okay, flip me over; I'll be the girl first.

294. - What? - This is prison we're talkin' about!

295. Hey, Junior, Roberta and I think

296. you're obsessively cleaning everything

297. because you have some unresolved issues

298. about your parents' divorce.

299. I'm totally fine with the divorce.

300. As a matter of fact, I've never even cried about it,

301. not one tear.

302. What?

303. Why would I cry?

304. I mean, nobody died.

305. Just a family, a family died.

306. That's all it is, a dead family.

307. That boy's in denial.

308. He's got to get it out.

309. You know, it's not like he doesn't have plenty of reasons to cry.

310. Yeah, he's so fat, he'll probably die in his 40s.

311. Rallo, that's mean. What if he heard you say that?

312. He'd probably cry.

313. What's the name of that Jewish comedian?

314. Don Rickles?

315. Get him on the phone.

316. Oh, man! Has Waterman talked to you yet?

317. Not yet. I hope he doesn't fire me.

318. I should be the one getting fired!

319. Fired by Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

320. Eh, big deal!

321. You showed your penis for food.

322. We all been there.

323. No, I was so jealous of Cleveland's success that...

324. I prayed to Jesus that something bad would happen to him.

325. I'm so sorry, Cleveland.

326. Tim, you are dumb.

327. Out of pity, I accept your apology.

328. Bye-bye.

329. Cleveland, I'm sorry, but I can't tolerate

330. the destruction of company property.

331. The truck is one thing, but if anything had happened to Terry,

332. well, I... I don't know what I would've...

333. this company would have done.

334. He's a good worker, a good man,

335. a strong... robust, tastefully-cologned man.

336. O-kay.

337. Here's your tea, Mr. Waterman.

338. Oh...

339. The point is, Cleveland,

340. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you go.

341. Oh, that's too bad.

342. I sure am gonna miss Terry.

343. He and I go a long way back.

344. We were on the swim team together.

345. - Did he wear a Speedo? - Yes, he wore a Speedo.

346. That is, when you could get him to put on a bathing suit.

347. Hey, Junior, get in here for a minute.

348. What's going on?

349. We decided it's high time you cried,

350. but we got to ease you into it.

351. "Good evening,

352. "and welcome to the roast of Cleveland Brown Jr.,

353. a man so huge, his butt has its own zip code."

354. Are you saying I'm as large as a municipality?

355. And now, a young lady

356. who goes to third base faster than Rickey Henderson,

357. my sister, Roberta Tubbs.

358. Rallo Tubbs, everyone.

359. Or, as he's soon to be known,

360. "That's him, Officer."

361. And Cleveland Brown Jr.

362. or, as you're soon to be known,

363. "The poor bastard they buried in a piano case."

364. Speaking of Jews, here comes one in a big, gross diaper...

365. Don Rickles impersonator Keith Lieb.

366. Thanks, Rallo.

367. Hey, look who it is, a colored Shelly Winters.

368. That's hurtful even without knowing the reference.

369. Hey, Don, let's leave the "colored" out of it.

370. All right, all right!

371. Look at this fat son of a bitch.

372. You put a hot plate on this kid,

373. you got yourself a Manhattan studio apartment.

374. Stop making fun of me!

375. There it is!

376. Let out all the pain from your parents' divorce.

377. I promise you'll feel better.

378. I love you guys.

379. Thank you.

380. We love you, too, Junior.

381. What, did KFC go out of business?

382. I better get out of here before I get killed.

383. He's from a different time.

384. And that's why we called him "The Wet Banana."

385. Oh, I could tell unnecessarily graphic stories about Terry all day,

386. but I got to go pack up my desk.

387. Well, let's not be too hasty.

388. It's possible I... overreacted.

389. I assume you're sorry. You're sorry, right?

390. - Very. - And if you stayed,

391. you could tell me stories.

392. Say, one every morning over tea?

393. Stories that, you know, Mrs. Waterman wouldn't need to hear.

394. Stories that only a man should hear.

395. Well, if I come back, I'd like to work with Terry as an installer.

396. I don't want to be chained to a desk.

397. - Plus, Tim's your salesman. - The bear?

398. Yeah. You don't want to lose him.

399. In fact, you should give him a raise.

400. Have you seen his weenie?

401. - I have. - Me, too.

402. - Isn't it magnificent? - Isn't it weird?

403. Isn't it weird?

404. Yes!

405. Ha! I don't know how you got out of it, but you did!

406. So what's the plan, amigo?

407. You're getting laid, I'm getting paid,

408. and we're doing it drunk!

409. - All right! - Whoo!

410. - Yee-hah! - Whoo-hoo-hoo!

411. Hey, Cleveland, check it out!

412. - Huh? Oh! - You owe me a steak!

413. Put that away!