1. So I tell her,
"Baby, don't come over for a play dateCopy !req
2. if you ain't ready to play."Copy !req
3. - Straight up.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
4. Shorty be tripping.Copy !req
5. That's my old lady. I'm out.Copy !req
6. A'ight then. Be good, my brother.Copy !req
7. What up, Shavonne!Copy !req
8. Hi, Rallo!Copy !req
9. Dang.Copy !req
10. That lady's butt, kablam!Copy !req
11. Rallo, you boys been playing
with my shoes again?Copy !req
12. - No.
- Really?Copy !req
13. You know what this means.Copy !req
14. This means I got to go shoe shopping!Copy !req
15. Okay, then we'll meet at 7:00.Copy !req
16. I'll text Vanessa and I.M. Jodie.Copy !req
17. You Twitter Gabby, poke Tracy,
and cyber-bully Maria.Copy !req
18. Oh, I got another call. Hang on, girl.Copy !req
19. Hey, girl!Copy !req
20. Ooh, hang on, girl.Copy !req
21. Hey, girl!Copy !req
22. Wow, Donna, between Rallo and Roberta,Copy !req
23. this house is a veritable
beehive of activity.Copy !req
24. Mm-hmm, and the queen bee
is happy to see her honey.Copy !req
25. One thousand three hundred
and forty-five... 1,346...Copy !req
26. One thousand three hundred
and forty-seven... 1,348...Copy !req
27. What are you doing, son?Copy !req
28. Counting to a million.Copy !req
29. Why... why are you doing that?Copy !req
30. Why does anybody do anything?Copy !req
31. Did you eat the brownies
in the back of the freezer?Copy !req
32. - No.
- Good. Don't!Copy !req
33. 'Cause they're your dad's
for when he goes to concerts.Copy !req
34. - Got it?
- Okay.Copy !req
35. One thousand three hundred
and forty-nine...Copy !req
36. Man, I got to find Cleveland Jr. a friend.Copy !req
37. I agree. That boy is lonelier than
a widowed trapeze artist with Alzheimer's.Copy !req
38. Ah.Copy !req
39. Ah.Copy !req
40. This is a good place to meet people.Copy !req
41. See anyone who interests you?Copy !req
42. That guy seems cool.Copy !req
43. Or how about that young man over there
playing basketball?Copy !req
44. Hey, mind if we play?Copy !req
45. - Sure.
- All right.Copy !req
46. The two of you against this old-timer.
Check it.Copy !req
47. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
48. Foul! Foul!Copy !req
49. Daddy, he's leaving.Copy !req
50. Well, then he forfeits.Copy !req
51. You forfeit!Copy !req
52. He seems lonely.Copy !req
53. Looks like he could use a friend, too.Copy !req
54. Hey, sport, I got a proposition for you.Copy !req
55. - Yeah?
- My name's Cleveland.Copy !req
56. How'd you like to play with Cleveland Jr.?Copy !req
57. - What?
- Oh, you'll love him.Copy !req
58. He's a little chubby,
but he's always up for a good time.Copy !req
59. A lot of other kids
have jerked him around,Copy !req
60. but I can tell you're the kind of guy
who would treat him right.Copy !req
61. Don't get me wrong:
he's a handful, but a nice handful.Copy !req
62. Look, I'll be honest with you.Copy !req
63. I'm tired of playing with him.Copy !req
64. You want to see him?Copy !req
65. Come over by the car,
and I'll let you have a look.Copy !req
66. Come on, what do you say?Copy !req
67. I'll give you 30 bucks right now
if you play with him in the car.Copy !req
68. Boomerang.Copy !req
69. You know, once I read over the transcript,Copy !req
70. I could see how my words
might have been misconstrued.Copy !req
71. Thanks for trying to help me, Dad.Copy !req
72. Maybe we'll find me a friend tomorrow.Copy !req
73. Yes, we will.Copy !req
74. And if not then, then the next day.Copy !req
75. And if not then, then the next day.Copy !req
76. And if not then, we'll give up.Copy !req
77. Because that will have been
four days, and that's enough.Copy !req
78. Hey, there's Lester Krinklesac's boy.Copy !req
79. What are you doing, Ernie?Copy !req
80. Playing kick the can.Copy !req
81. I didn't know you could play that alone.Copy !req
82. Well, I don't have any friends.Copy !req
83. Ow! Daddy!Copy !req
84. Wear your damn seat belt!Copy !req
85. Ernie, this is my son Cleveland Jr.Copy !req
86. He doesn't have any friends either.Copy !req
87. You want to play kick the can?Copy !req
88. Do I?Copy !req
89. That's okay.
I didn't get it at first either.Copy !req
90. I'll teach you how.Copy !req
91. All right.Copy !req
92. Now, you half-wits have a good time.Copy !req
93. And then the old lady
was hobbling after usCopy !req
94. 'cause the crab apple we threw
broke her windshield,Copy !req
95. and she tripped over a surveying flag
and landed in the mud!Copy !req
96. I bet even she had to laugh at that one.Copy !req
97. I tell you, Ernie,
it's nice having you here.Copy !req
98. Looks like I'm not the only one
around here with a white boyfriend.Copy !req
99. She's trying to call you homosexuals,
Cleveland Jr. and Ernie.Copy !req
100. That's funny. I'm gonna use that.Copy !req
101. I'm gonna use it right now.Copy !req
102. Y'all are homosexuals!Copy !req
103. This has been a perfect day.Copy !req
104. Well, you know, Ernie,
the fun doesn't have to end.Copy !req
105. Why don't we have a good
old-fashioned sleepover?Copy !req
106. - Yeah!
- Really?Copy !req
107. Sure! Mi casa es su casa.Copy !req
108. Wow, your dad knows janitor language!Copy !req
109. I love it here!Copy !req
110. Come on to my room, Ernie.Copy !req
111. We can look at our boogers
under the microscope!Copy !req
112. Cool!Copy !req
113. You can go, too, Cleveland.Copy !req
114. Cool!Copy !req
115. Ho-ho! Gross!Copy !req
116. Hey, y'all. So what are
we grubbing on tonight?Copy !req
117. Oh, Ernie, you're back for dinner. Again.Copy !req
118. Yep. You said I could come over anytime,
so I'm moving in.Copy !req
119. Well, that's not exactly what I...Copy !req
120. If Cleveland Jr.'s boyfriend
gets to live here,Copy !req
121. then why can't mine?Copy !req
122. Okay, he can't live here,Copy !req
123. and Federline's definitely
not gonna live here!Copy !req
124. Ah, I sat on my nuts!Copy !req
125. - Can I help you?
- Hi, Lester.Copy !req
126. This is a little awkward,
but Ernie was talking aboutCopy !req
127. moving into my house, and I figured you—Copy !req
128. That true, Ernie?Copy !req
129. You want to live here or there?Copy !req
130. There, I reckon.Copy !req
131. Eh, boy's all yours.Copy !req
132. Well, let's go home.Copy !req
133. I'll get out of these pants
and you can play with Cleveland Jr.Copy !req
134. I shouldn't talk to boys.Copy !req
135. I brought all my stuff!Copy !req
136. My kit, my kaboodle, my doo-dads,Copy !req
137. my doo-hickies,
my doo-jiggers, my gee-gaws.Copy !req
138. We're gonna be roommates.Copy !req
139. Oh, perfect.Copy !req
140. Just what we need, another dude.Copy !req
141. Would it kill somebody to bring homeCopy !req
142. a hot Puerto Rican chick
who's into Black midgets?Copy !req
143. And this is Princess, my pet possum.Copy !req
144. Hide the cheese!Copy !req
145. Sorry, but I'm no good
at living with animals.Copy !req
146. Hey, big fat ugly tumor head man,Copy !req
147. I'm going down to the student center.Copy !req
148. You want a soda or something?Copy !req
149. I am referred to as the Elephant Man.Copy !req
150. You don't look like an elephant.Copy !req
151. You look like a big, fat,
ugly tumor-head man.Copy !req
152. This is not why they
call me the Elephant Man.Copy !req
153. Morning.Copy !req
154. Uh, could you at least
run the water while you're doing that?Copy !req
155. Okay.Copy !req
156. Do y'all have a disposal,Copy !req
157. or should I do the rest in the yard?Copy !req
158. Both.Copy !req
159. Get off me!Copy !req
160. Is there room for two...Copy !req
161. Hasta la possum, baby!Copy !req
162. So... Lester,Copy !req
163. have you given any further thoughtCopy !req
164. to when you might want Ernie
to return home?Copy !req
165. He can make his own decisions.Copy !req
166. He's a grown-ass man.Copy !req
167. Lester, he's 14.Copy !req
168. You got to take back your boy.Copy !req
169. Why should I? Seems to me he's happy
anywhere but our house.Copy !req
170. Y'all can pay for my drinks!Copy !req
171. So Cleveland, how are you going
to get Lester to take his boy back?Copy !req
172. I guess I'll have to get creative,Copy !req
173. like Van Gogh
when he discovered the Q-tip.Copy !req
174. Ew... waxy.Copy !req
175. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
176. This is my business.Copy !req
177. Excuse me. This is a private residence.Copy !req
178. It's me, Cleveland.Copy !req
179. What?Copy !req
180. - What are you doing?
- I'm Lester from the future.Copy !req
181. I'm going to visit him
in his sleep and tell himCopy !req
182. that without his influence,
Future Ernie will destroy NASCARCopy !req
183. by making them drive
the other way around the track.Copy !req
184. Will you just call Child Services?Copy !req
185. What? I don't want to get Lester
in trouble.Copy !req
186. You won't.Copy !req
187. Trust me.Copy !req
188. I had to call them
more than once with Robert.Copy !req
189. They'll come over,
sit Lester and Ernie downCopy !req
190. and force them to talk this out.Copy !req
191. That makes sense.Copy !req
192. Dyn-o-mite!Copy !req
193. What the— Holt?Copy !req
194. I figure you're Lester, I'll be you.Copy !req
195. We may dress as you all,
but you all may not dress as us.Copy !req
196. There he goes!Copy !req
197. I got him! I got him!Copy !req
198. Dinner'll be ready in half an hour.Copy !req
199. My, who could that be?Copy !req
200. Hi, I'm with Child Protective Services.Copy !req
201. I'm here for Ernie.Copy !req
202. Ernie, this nice man is gonna sit down
with you and your dad to have a talk.Copy !req
203. Okay.Copy !req
204. But we were gonna play mine-shaft disaster
in the crawlspace.Copy !req
205. I was gonna be the greedy mine ownerCopy !req
206. who turned a blind eye
to numerous safety violations.Copy !req
207. you can play later,Copy !req
208. and B: you know you can't fit
in that crawl space.Copy !req
209. I don't have to fit in there, Daddy.Copy !req
210. I'm the owner of the mine.Copy !req
211. I don't have to do the dirty work.Copy !req
212. Plus, I already told you,
I knew it was dangerous in there—Copy !req
213. Ah-ya-ya-ya! You can play later.Copy !req
214. Thank God you called us, Mr. Brown!Copy !req
215. No child should live in such conditions!Copy !req
216. You called Child Services on me?Copy !req
217. How dare you!Copy !req
218. Eh!Copy !req
219. Hmph!Copy !req
220. I feel terrible.Copy !req
221. Terrible, terrible, terrible.Copy !req
222. I broke up a family and sent away
the only friend Cleveland Jr. had.Copy !req
223. I know. I mean, Lester's not perfect,Copy !req
224. but he is Ernie's father, Cleveland.Copy !req
225. Whoa! Listen to you:
"He's Ernie's father."Copy !req
226. Yesterday, you were all,Copy !req
227. "Call Child Services. Call Child Services.Copy !req
228. They'll have a conversation.Copy !req
229. Oh, maybe they'll hug it out.
Oh, that'll be great."Copy !req
230. Oh, that's only 'cause you were all,Copy !req
231. "My kid is lonely.
He's a loser, blah-blah-blah.Copy !req
232. I gotta get him a friend.
Oh, I sat on my nuts."Copy !req
233. Uh-huh, and you're all, "Oh, Cleveland,Copy !req
234. even though we have our differences,Copy !req
235. I should probably pleasure youCopy !req
236. right here in the kitchen,Copy !req
237. any way you want.Copy !req
238. Whatever makes you feel good the fastest,Copy !req
239. so you can get out there
and reunite that family."Copy !req
240. And then you're like: "No, that's okay.Copy !req
241. I'll just go in the bathroomCopy !req
242. and take care of myself real quick,Copy !req
243. and then get out there
and bring Ernie home."Copy !req
244. Oh, man! Why'd I have to say that?Copy !req
245. Lester, good news!Copy !req
246. I already heard. We got a Black president.Copy !req
247. I know.Copy !req
248. But this is about Ernie.Copy !req
249. I called Child Services and found outCopy !req
250. that they took him
to a foster family in Elmwood.Copy !req
251. But first, I listened
to their entire messageCopy !req
252. because some of their menu options
may have changed.Copy !req
253. Anyway, they scheduled
a custody hearing for tomorrow morning.Copy !req
254. All you have to do is come with me
and we can get your boy back.Copy !req
255. What about my six pigs,
my donkey, and my Port-O-John?Copy !req
256. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
257. Lester won't go to the hearing.Copy !req
258. It's like he doesn't even want
his son back.Copy !req
259. Am I the only one
who knows psychology here?Copy !req
260. No. I minored in it.Copy !req
261. Guess what I majored in.Copy !req
262. - Partying?
- There he is!Copy !req
263. The point is Lester
does want his son back,Copy !req
264. but he's too proud and way too stupid...Copy !req
265. Oh, oh, Lester!Copy !req
266. We were just speaking
of a different Lester.Copy !req
267. In-in case you did not hear,Copy !req
268. this-this other Lester is stupid.Copy !req
269. Uh, sorry I'm late.Copy !req
270. I was busy turning Ernie's room
back into a panic room.Copy !req
271. Panic Room with Forest Whitaker,
who was in Fast Times with Sean Penn.Copy !req
272. Who was in Mystic River with...Copy !req
273. Kevin Bacon! Yeah!Copy !req
274. In three! Suck it!Copy !req
275. You know, Lester, I-I like having a sonCopy !req
276. just to do the chores around the houseCopy !req
277. that I, that I don't want to do.Copy !req
278. Not to mention the tax break
you get for having a child.Copy !req
279. Taxes? I don't pay no damn taxes.Copy !req
280. Screw the government.Copy !req
281. Well, the government
is who took your child away.Copy !req
282. See, Lester, this isn't about Ernie.Copy !req
283. This is about the government
disrespecting you as a man.Copy !req
284. You have to stand up
to the government, Lester.Copy !req
285. Show 'em who's boss.Copy !req
286. I'm gettin' my son back!Copy !req
287. Vegas! Right now! Right now!Copy !req
288. Vegas! Who's in?Copy !req
289. I, I've never been to Las Vegas.Copy !req
290. Let's do it!Copy !req
291. What the hell!Copy !req
292. All right, we just gotta
stop off at my house,Copy !req
293. grab my black shirt,
and get some cash from my mom.Copy !req
294. There he goes.Copy !req
295. Slight break.Copy !req
296. Oh, that's crisp.Copy !req
297. Whatcha think?Copy !req
298. Mm, you look Waffle House handsome.Copy !req
299. No brunch after church today, ma'am.Copy !req
300. I got a hearing to go to.Copy !req
301. - Too much?
- Mm-mm, just right, baby.Copy !req
302. Now go get that kid back.Copy !req
303. Hey, baby?Copy !req
304. You're right on time.Copy !req
305. Oh, hey, Lester.Copy !req
306. Are all of these
gun-toting rednecks comingCopy !req
307. to the hearing with us?Copy !req
308. We ain't goin' to no hearing.Copy !req
309. We gonna go to that foster home
and take my boy back!Copy !req
310. What are you talking about?Copy !req
311. I'm doing what you told me to do,Copy !req
312. standing up to the government.Copy !req
313. Showing them who's boss.Copy !req
314. And no one's gonna stop me!Copy !req
315. I always found Flip Wilson very funny.Copy !req
316. Me, too.Copy !req
317. You know who else was classy?Copy !req
318. Ed Bradley.Copy !req
319. Ed Bradley was a class act.Copy !req
320. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
321. I once became arousedCopy !req
322. while looking at Halle Berry
and her breasts.Copy !req
323. Thank you.Copy !req
324. Sons of Stoolbend,
I'm not gonna lie to you.Copy !req
325. Most of you are gonna die today.Copy !req
326. I think I left a cake in the oven!Copy !req
327. Fair enough.Copy !req
328. Now the rest of us are gonna go in thereCopy !req
329. and show the government
that they can't take my son!Copy !req
330. - Yeah!
- Let's do it. Let's do it.Copy !req
331. Lester, please.Copy !req
332. Remember what Kenny Rogers saidCopy !req
333. right before he went
into the chicken businessCopy !req
334. and then made himself look
like an oldCopy !req
335. "You don't have to fight to be a man."Copy !req
336. All ri-ri-ri-right, hold up, fellas!Copy !req
337. Cleveland and me is gonna try
talkin' to 'em.Copy !req
338. Y'all can wait outside.Copy !req
339. No sodomy!Copy !req
340. Aw!Copy !req
341. Well, good thing I brought Dancin' Dan.Copy !req
342. Look at him... look, look at him.Copy !req
343. Please return Ernie
to his rightful father.Copy !req
344. You seem like perfectly
lovely people, but—Copy !req
345. Nope. The child is not going back
to that house.Copy !req
346. I ain't leavin' without my son.Copy !req
347. Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
348. You're messing with my livelihood.Copy !req
349. That foster kid is money in my pocket!Copy !req
350. No...!Copy !req
351. Look, Lester obviously
cares enough about ErnieCopy !req
352. to risk his own life.Copy !req
353. Do I have brains in my hair?Copy !req
354. No, you got it. Do I?Copy !req
355. No, uh-uh.Copy !req
356. I'm gonna ask you once again
to reconsider.Copy !req
357. Clearly, Ernie and Lester belong together.Copy !req
358. You're risking your life
just to get me home?Copy !req
359. But I thought you didn't want me home.Copy !req
360. I never said that!Copy !req
361. You said you didn't want to live at home.Copy !req
362. I was only sayin' that
'cause you didn't sayCopy !req
363. you wanted me to come home.Copy !req
364. You thought... and I meant...?Copy !req
365. Aw, don't that beat all.Copy !req
366. Okay, on three, let's say it.Copy !req
367. - One, two, three!
- One, two, three!Copy !req
368. - I love you!
- Ha! Wussy.Copy !req
369. Well, I have to admit...Copy !req
370. this new couple seems to have a few...Copy !req
371. issues of their own.Copy !req
372. Foster kids, attack!Copy !req
373. Tell you what, how 'bout if I promise
to keep an eye... on Ernie,Copy !req
374. since I'm just across the street?Copy !req
375. All right, fine.Copy !req
376. Ernie can go home. I'll sign the release.Copy !req
377. Great!Copy !req
378. Great.Copy !req
379. Hey, Lester, you got custody!Copy !req
380. Yee-yip-yip-yip-yip-haw!Copy !req
381. We'll take that kid now.Copy !req
382. Chandel-where?Copy !req
383. Chandel-what?Copy !req
384. Chandel-here!Copy !req
385. You got a gun?Copy !req
386. You think I'd get
in a truck full of rednecksCopy !req
387. without packing heat?Copy !req
388. You know what?Copy !req
389. You're all right.Copy !req
390. I take back all the racist stuff
I said about you.Copy !req
391. What racist stuff?Copy !req
392. Oh, yeah. You weren't there.Copy !req
393. You...!Copy !req
394. I told you. Look.Copy !req
395. I left my ID in Virginia.Copy !req
396. I'm 32, dawg. Look at my class ring!Copy !req
397. Come on, man! Please?Copy !req
398. Hey, Holt, Holt,
you-you gotta get in here, man.Copy !req
399. I think, I think, I think
I just made out with Nikki Hilton!Copy !req
400. Oh, oh, my God.Copy !req
401. I-I-I-I don't know
what was in that aspirinCopy !req
402. that, uh, that, uh,
those Arab guys gave me,Copy !req
403. but it's the best freakin' aspirin
I've ever had!Copy !req
404. Whoo!Copy !req