1. Oh, Donna, I'm so excited.Copy !req
2. I thought this day would never come.Copy !req
3. Cleveland, it's the reading
of your ex-wife's will.Copy !req
4. I know!Copy !req
5. How you holding up, big man?Copy !req
6. Well, I'm okay,Copy !req
7. but a part of me wishes Mom
would come backCopy !req
8. so I could say a proper good-bye.Copy !req
9. Well, she's been gone for three months.Copy !req
10. I mean, if she came back now,Copy !req
11. her skin would be all gray and rotten,Copy !req
12. and she'd need to feast
on the living to survive.Copy !req
13. But you remember what to do
if she does come back, right?Copy !req
14. Destroy the head or remove the brain.Copy !req
15. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
16. Well, I've looked over Loretta's will,
and it's pretty straightforward.Copy !req
17. "I, Loretta Marie Callender Brown,
blah-blah-blah,Copy !req
18. "do hereby leave my entire
estate to my son,Copy !req
19. "Cleveland Orenthal Brown, Jr.,
blah-blah-blah.Copy !req
20. "He is to have unfettered accessCopy !req
21. to all assets in the amount of..."Copy !req
22. Hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
23. Let me see that!Copy !req
24. I'm sorry, Cleveland,
but the will stipulatesCopy !req
25. that you were to have
no knowledge of its details.Copy !req
26. - Look at these juicy details.
- Oh!Copy !req
27. Cleveland, I know how difficult
this must be for you;Copy !req
28. your cheating ex-wife got everything
in the divorce and gave it allCopy !req
29. to your dim-witted
or possibly brilliant son.Copy !req
30. Dang!Copy !req
31. Now, you could contest the will
and sue Junior for the money.Copy !req
32. In the law profession,
we call that a "dick" move.Copy !req
33. It's okay, Daddy.Copy !req
34. I'll lend you all the money you need.Copy !req
35. I'm rich!Copy !req
36. Ee... Unfortunately, Junior,
the will also statesCopy !req
37. that if you give a single penny
to your father,Copy !req
38. Loretta's entire estate will go
to a Mr. Glenn QuagmireCopy !req
39. - of Quahog, Rhode Island.
- What?Copy !req
40. Or you can risk it all
for whatever's behind door number two!Copy !req
41. Take the money! Take the money!Copy !req
42. Len, I'm gonna keep the contents
of the will.Copy !req
43. Then let's take a look
at what you didn't choose!Copy !req
44. One day, my prince will come.Copy !req
45. So your husky son's got more
money than you now, huh?Copy !req
46. Yeah. This must be what it feels like
to be the father of that kidCopy !req
47. on Two and a Half Men.Copy !req
48. That kid's gotten so big,
Jon Cryer's now the half man.Copy !req
49. Thanks, Gus.Copy !req
50. You got it, kid.Copy !req
51. It must be especially difficult,Copy !req
52. considering all that money
used to be yours.Copy !req
53. I mean, what a nad punch.Copy !req
54. I am very glad she's dead.Copy !req
55. Mm, these times.Copy !req
56. Morning, Dad.Copy !req
57. Check out my new Eddie Bauer
limited edition Boba Fett costume.Copy !req
58. It comes with a safari vest
and a contrived sense of adventure.Copy !req
59. I also got a shawarma machine
so I can have succulent lamb meat 24/7!Copy !req
60. Mmm! If I ever did switch
to the Dark Side,Copy !req
61. I'll call myself "Darth Shawarma."Copy !req
62. Mmm, I had to pay
my cell phone bill with nickels.Copy !req
63. How was your shopping spree, Miss Donna?Copy !req
64. It was great, Junior,
and thank you for letting me useCopy !req
65. your new AMEX card.Copy !req
66. Cleveland only has a prepaid debit cardCopy !req
67. for Magic Johnson's bank.Copy !req
68. Yeah, everyone thought
they'd be gone years ago,Copy !req
69. but they're still kicking.Copy !req
70. Doing well, too!Copy !req
71. God bless you, Magic!Copy !req
72. - Hey, Junior, do you have my check?
- Here you go.Copy !req
73. What are you giving her money for?Copy !req
74. So I can buy another new hat.
That's my thing.Copy !req
75. I wear hats now.Copy !req
76. Beep-beep! Move it or lose it.Copy !req
77. Hey, Donald Plump,
is my barbershop chair here yet?Copy !req
78. Not yet, but I'll let you know
as soon as it arrives.Copy !req
79. Cool. Hey, old man,
you got change for a hundred?Copy !req
80. I'm just joshin'.
I know you don't.Copy !req
81. Okay, enough of this bullcrap!Copy !req
82. How much money did your mother leave you?Copy !req
83. Well, I'm not allowed to tell you,
but suffice it to say, it was substantial.Copy !req
84. With the sale of your deli,
Mom's life insurance policy,Copy !req
85. and the reckless homicide settlement I got
from Peter Griffin, I did just fine.Copy !req
86. Apparently, to pay for it, Mr. Griffin
had to get a series of new jobs.Copy !req
87. I didn't see it,
but I heard it was hilarious.Copy !req
88. Not as hilarious as it would have been
two or three years ago,Copy !req
89. but there was still
some solid laughs there.Copy !req
90. Daddy, if this money's
gonna come between us,Copy !req
91. I'll give it all back.Copy !req
92. Better not make he give all back.Copy !req
93. Kill you mo, take my money.Copy !req
94. No, Junior, I don't want you
to give back the money.Copy !req
95. Good call, old man.Copy !req
96. Hakeem Olajuwon...!Copy !req
97. Mom! What are you doing in town?Copy !req
98. Hello, dear! I wanted to come by
and thank Junior in personCopy !req
99. for the beautiful gift he sent me.Copy !req
100. That is swe-et!Copy !req
101. Oh, Cookie, it's you.Copy !req
102. I thought I felt
the joy being sucked out of my life.Copy !req
103. - Grandma!
- There's my little chameleon-aire.Copy !req
104. Well, well, well, look at you.Copy !req
105. Your kid's rich,
and you're still a broke-ass little chump.Copy !req
106. And good morrow to you, Father.Copy !req
107. What are you guys doing here?Copy !req
108. We have some very exciting news.Copy !req
109. Cleveland, your father
and I are moving backCopy !req
110. into our old house
right here in Stoolbend.Copy !req
111. - What?
- Yay!Copy !req
112. Sweet greens and submarines!Copy !req
113. Why are you doing that?Copy !req
114. Because your mama and I
are getting remarried.Copy !req
115. Get used to this face, C cup,Copy !req
116. 'cause you gonna see it all the damn time.Copy !req
117. And that is what we call
an "uh-oh moment."Copy !req
118. Any questions?Copy !req
119. Have you ever had a screenplay produced?Copy !req
120. Yes, I had a play produced.Copy !req
121. - I said screenplay.
- Class dismissed.Copy !req
122. Remarrying Dad?Copy !req
123. Excuse me.Copy !req
124. What are you doing?Copy !req
125. I'm looking for your marbles
because apparently, you've lost them!Copy !req
126. Now, Cleveland, I know your father and ICopy !req
127. have had our problems,
but those days are behind us.Copy !req
128. So you're just gonna forget
about the Waffle House waitressesCopy !req
129. and the JetBlue stewardesses
and Greta Van Susteren?Copy !req
130. That's all in the past, tubby.Copy !req
131. I've changed. 9/11 will do that to a man.Copy !req
132. 9/11 was a decade ago!Copy !req
133. I ain't got no Internet.Copy !req
134. Besides, I don't want to die alone.Copy !req
135. Did you know that not a single man
in our familyCopy !req
136. has lived past the age of 63?Copy !req
137. I did not.Copy !req
138. And I'm gonna need someone
to take care of me.Copy !req
139. How romantic.Copy !req
140. What the hell you know
about romance, Clarissa?Copy !req
141. You been with, what,
five women in your whole life?Copy !req
142. I pleasured over 500 ladies in my time.Copy !req
143. And one guy.Copy !req
144. I think we all just need to calm down.Copy !req
145. Just because you put on weight
doesn't make you Oprah.Copy !req
146. I think it's great
you two are getting remarried.Copy !req
147. It's like recycling,Copy !req
148. except this isn't a complete
waste of time and effort.Copy !req
149. See? Beanbag chair gets it.Copy !req
150. Ooh! I just had a brainstorm!Copy !req
151. And not the bad kind
I take medication for.Copy !req
152. You should have the wedding here
in the backyard,Copy !req
153. and I'll pay for the whole thing.Copy !req
154. Oh, Junior, we couldn't.Copy !req
155. Bup-bup-bup! Not another word.Copy !req
156. It's my gift to you.Copy !req
157. I'm doing it. It's done.Copy !req
158. This is gonna be the best wedding ever!Copy !req
159. Okay, that was one of the bad brainstorms.Copy !req
160. For a second, I thought I was a falcon.Copy !req
161. But I'm okay now.Copy !req
162. I'm gonna go lie down.Copy !req
163. Now we have to host the wedding?Copy !req
164. I don't know why
she'd still want to be with him.Copy !req
165. The man's a grade-A heel.Copy !req
166. Mm, now there's a crease.Copy !req
167. I don't think it's so surprising.Copy !req
168. Every woman loves a bad boy.Copy !req
169. They're dangerous,
passionate, unpredictable.Copy !req
170. Just when you're about to yell at him
for punching out a cop's horse,Copy !req
171. he does something nice for youCopy !req
172. like shave your name
in the side of his head.Copy !req
173. You try to tame him, but you can't.Copy !req
174. He's a wild animal.Copy !req
175. But eventually,
you settle for stable and predictable.Copy !req
176. I bet you can't predict
what I'm gonna try tonight.Copy !req
177. I bet I can.Copy !req
178. No, Cleveland!Copy !req
179. - I love you.
- I love you, too.Copy !req
180. - Cut it out!
- Why?Copy !req
181. Good night, Cleveland.Copy !req
182. - Damn it, I said good night!
- I heard you the first time!Copy !req
183. Junior, you need my help.Copy !req
184. No one knows more
about weddings than I do.Copy !req
185. I even saw most of Bride Wars
until my body shut down to protect itself.Copy !req
186. I'm kind of busy right now!Copy !req
187. Yeah, crème brulée is a great dessert.Copy !req
188. Maybe I'll also order a time machine
to take this wedding back to 1998!Copy !req
189. Honestly, Roberta,
I don't know how your mother ended upCopy !req
190. with such an attractive daughter.Copy !req
191. Look, I'll tell you the same thing
I told my P.E. teacher Miss Rayborn.Copy !req
192. Look at 'em all you want,
but if you try to touch 'em,Copy !req
193. I will take a bat to your hairy knees.Copy !req
194. Mm! Lord help these children today.Copy !req
195. No, I was just wondering
if you would make my weddingCopy !req
196. more beautiful by being a bridesmaid.Copy !req
197. Oh, Miss Cookie, I would love to!Copy !req
198. You can touch one.Copy !req
199. You know, Cookie,
I know we've had our differences,Copy !req
200. but if there's anything I can do
to help you...Copy !req
201. You can try to make me some coffeeCopy !req
202. that doesn't taste
like a fart in the face.Copy !req
203. So tomorrow's your wedding night,
and you know what that means.Copy !req
204. Yes, I do.Copy !req
205. What does it mean?Copy !req
206. And what have you boys been up to?Copy !req
207. Just talking to Black Stewie here.Copy !req
208. How about being our ring boy on Saturday?Copy !req
209. Honored. All right, Dad,Copy !req
210. I'm gonna go practice my strut
down the aisle. Check this.Copy !req
211. Oh, yeah, a little something
like that right there.Copy !req
212. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
213. So the only thing left
for you to do is ask ClevelandCopy !req
214. to be your best man.Copy !req
215. Puh! Now, why would I do that?Copy !req
216. Do it for me, LeVar.Copy !req
217. And after all, he is your only son.Copy !req
218. Yeah, he is my only son.Copy !req
219. You might just be
the Blackest fellow I ever met.Copy !req
220. "Freight Train." Cool name.
How'd you get it?Copy !req
221. I destroyed your mama on a train track.Copy !req
222. Okay, who's up for some beer pong?Copy !req
223. So, getting married, huh?Copy !req
224. That's neat.Copy !req
225. Yeah. Well, you know,
usually at a wedding,Copy !req
226. there's a best man,
and since you're my son and all,Copy !req
227. I was wondering...Copy !req
228. Oh, my God!Copy !req
229. Are you asking me to be your best man?Copy !req
230. Well, not if you're gonna be
a crying little piss-pants about it.Copy !req
231. I'm crying because I peed my pants.Copy !req
232. Oh, and it's on the chair!Copy !req
233. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!Copy !req
234. - My dad asked me to be his B.M.
- What?Copy !req
235. His best man. Get it?Copy !req
236. Yes, I do. Cleveland,
and I'm very happy for you.Copy !req
237. I wish I could get a little
respect from your mother.Copy !req
238. I've done everything I can think of
to get her to like me,Copy !req
239. but she just won't give me a chance.Copy !req
240. I'll be honest, it's hurtful, Cleveland.Copy !req
241. Ha! Women and their problems.Copy !req
242. Speaking of women with problems,Copy !req
243. I got to call that strip club
about the bachelor party. Mm...Copy !req
244. - Yeah!
- Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
245. Great seeing you, sis.Copy !req
246. Call Mom. She worries.Copy !req
247. Hey, Dad, what do you say we take a breakCopy !req
248. from borderline cheating on our ladiesCopy !req
249. and hit the gross nacho bar.Copy !req
250. Sounds like a plan.Copy !req
251. We're bonding!Copy !req
252. Hey, Doughboy, what you doin' here?Copy !req
253. They don't got men dancing here.Copy !req
254. Mm. Dad, this is Donna's
ex-husband, Robert.Copy !req
255. Robert, my dad, Freight Train.Copy !req
256. Damn, that's a good grip.Copy !req
257. See, Cleveland,
that's how you shake a man's hand.Copy !req
258. And that's how you shake a loose can.Copy !req
259. Where you been hiding this one at?Copy !req
260. He's hilarious.Copy !req
261. Hey, I got two-for-one coupons
for the champagne room.Copy !req
262. What do you say
we pick one of these ladiesCopy !req
263. and make her regret
coming to work tonight?Copy !req
264. I like how you think.Copy !req
265. Catch you later, Doughboy.Copy !req
266. Why are you sitting all by yourself?Copy !req
267. Strip clubs aren't ideal for a guy like me
who doesn't, um, wear pants.Copy !req
268. Uh, where's your dad?Copy !req
269. With Robert, disrespecting some poor girlCopy !req
270. who's probably
just a struggling college studentCopy !req
271. who works here for the tuition moneyCopy !req
272. and not at all because she was molested.Copy !req
273. Oh, I guess I should just be grateful
we're finally getting along.Copy !req
274. The father-son relationship is tricky.Copy !req
275. My dad and I didn't talk for years
after I stole Arianna away from him.Copy !req
276. What? You did?Copy !req
277. I've told you that story,
like, six times.Copy !req
278. You know, you don't,
you don't listen too good.Copy !req
279. - You really should...
- Hey, look, my dad's back.Copy !req
280. Oh, man.Copy !req
281. Ha, ha, ha, why are we laughing?
What's the joke?Copy !req
282. You're the joke.Copy !req
283. - I'm out.
- See you tomorrow, one o'clock.Copy !req
284. You-you invited Robert to the wedding?Copy !req
285. He did one more than that.Copy !req
286. Your dad asked me to be his best man.Copy !req
287. What? But I'm your best man.Copy !req
288. How could he do this to me?Copy !req
289. If it's any consolation,
you're the best man I know.Copy !req
290. Tim, uh...Copy !req
291. No, no, it's okay. No, it's okay.Copy !req
292. Cleveland, come here, buddy.Copy !req
293. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Oh.Copy !req
294. A bunch of people here
think I'm a dentist,Copy !req
295. so if it comes up, play it cool.Copy !req
296. Stupid, dumb wedding!Copy !req
297. Where's Grandpa?Copy !req
298. The wedding's supposed
to start any minute,Copy !req
299. and no one's seen him.Copy !req
300. I don't know where he is.Copy !req
301. Why don't you ask his best man.Copy !req
302. Well, he's not here either.Copy !req
303. And they'd better show up soon.Copy !req
304. That Mickey Rourke ice sculpture
can't much more of this heat.Copy !req
305. That's not an ice sculpture.Copy !req
306. He's not coming, is he?Copy !req
307. No, Cleveland, I don't think he is.Copy !req
308. I'm sorry, Mom.Copy !req
309. Dad always treated you so terribly.Copy !req
310. He never deserved you.Copy !req
311. He's a son of a bitch.Copy !req
312. Oh, Cleveland, you don't know
your father as well as I do.Copy !req
313. Whenever I needed something
fixed around the house,Copy !req
314. he'd be there.Copy !req
315. And when I was feeling low,
he'd fry some fish for me.Copy !req
316. And well, I know you're my son,
but, my word,Copy !req
317. that man can tag it, bag it,
and sell it to the butcher. Mm!Copy !req
318. Okay.Copy !req
319. We've been having booty calls for years.Copy !req
320. So I finally said, "LeVar,
if you want to keep hitting this,Copy !req
321. you'd better put a ring on it."Copy !req
322. Please stop talking.Copy !req
323. I love your father, Cleveland,Copy !req
324. but I guess he just doesn't feel
the same way about me.Copy !req
325. Where you going?Copy !req
326. I'm taking the 4:15 back to Petersburg.Copy !req
327. There's too many painful memories here.Copy !req
328. I'm so sick of this!Copy !req
329. We've been taking crap
from Dad our whole livesCopy !req
330. and I've never said a word!Copy !req
331. I'm going to find him
and give him a piece of my mind.Copy !req
332. Stay away from his grits, Cleveland.Copy !req
333. A woman needs what a woman needs.Copy !req
334. Show time.Copy !req
335. Wake up!Copy !req
336. What the hell you think you're doing?Copy !req
337. You left Mom at the altar,
and I'm going to make you regret it.Copy !req
338. You think you're ready?Copy !req
339. Damn right.Copy !req
340. Then let's dance, chubby.Copy !req
341. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!Copy !req
342. Oh, I hate that. Stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
343. Fine.Copy !req
344. You know, Dad, you might be bigger than me
and stronger than me,Copy !req
345. but I'm more of a man than you'll ever be.Copy !req
346. How you figure?Copy !req
347. Because you're a coward.Copy !req
348. You're afraid to go all in with Mom,Copy !req
349. because if you ever let your guard downCopy !req
350. and show her who you really are,Copy !req
351. she might not like what she sees.Copy !req
352. And then you'd be the one getting hurt.Copy !req
353. You're right, Cleveland. I am afraid.Copy !req
354. Your mama's a good woman.Copy !req
355. What if I'm a worse husband
to her than I was the last time?Copy !req
356. Isn't possible.Copy !req
357. All right, but if she don't take me back,Copy !req
358. I'm gonna make you my wife.Copy !req
359. And you shall be my husband.Copy !req
360. Mom's gonna catch a bus in 15 minutes.Copy !req
361. Oh, hell no.Copy !req
362. She gonna be riding on the Freight Train.Copy !req
363. I'm gonna tear your mama up.Copy !req
364. What's up with you and Mom
talking to your child that way?Copy !req
365. Both of you.Copy !req
366. Why is everyone still here?Copy !req
367. The wedding was supposed to be hours ago.Copy !req
368. You're right, Cleveland.Copy !req
369. We're invited to lots
of weddings with an open barCopy !req
370. and no one shooing us away
from the free shrimp.Copy !req
371. We're gonna leave just 'cause
the groom don't show up!Copy !req
372. Yeah, that's who we are.Copy !req
373. - Cookie, listen...
- No, LeVar, you listen.Copy !req
374. If you don't care enough
to be on time for our wedding,Copy !req
375. then you don't deserve to be my husband.Copy !req
376. Mom, wait.Copy !req
377. We all know Freight Train sucks,
but he loves you,Copy !req
378. and he wants to grow old with you.Copy !req
379. And there's something very important
he wants to say to you.Copy !req
380. Cookie, I'm sorry.Copy !req
381. LeVar, in 41 years, you've never
apologized to me for anything.Copy !req
382. Never did anything wrong up to now.Copy !req
383. Looks like we're getting married.Copy !req
384. But I don't need this big fancy wedding.Copy !req
385. Let's just go down to city hall.Copy !req
386. The hell you will.Copy !req
387. You are getting married here today.Copy !req
388. Now everybody get your ass in the backyard
before I turn this into a funeral.Copy !req
389. Nice work, tubby.Copy !req
390. I was wondering—Copy !req
391. how'd you like to be my best man again?Copy !req
392. I appreciate you asking,Copy !req
393. but I've been asked to play a more
important role in this wedding.Copy !req
394. Ugh.Copy !req
395. Oh, no...Copy !req
396. Ugh.Copy !req
397. I'm not gonna make it.Copy !req
398. Now, who give this here woman
to be married to this here man?Copy !req
399. Her baby boy does.Copy !req
400. By the power vested in me
by the Commonwealth of Virginia,Copy !req
401. and Almighty Thor, God of Thunder,Copy !req
402. I pronounce you husband and wife.Copy !req
403. You may kiss the bride.Copy !req
404. Well, they made it
through the whole season.Copy !req
405. Now can I have my own show, Peter?Copy !req
406. Quagmire, you're a rapist.Copy !req
407. To the new Mr. and Mrs. LeVar
and Evelyn Cookie Brown!Copy !req
408. And now, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
409. Earth, Wind & Fire.Copy !req