1. Mornin', everybody.Copy !req
2. Last night I had the strangest,
most wonderful dream,Copy !req
3. that I had a beautiful new wifeCopy !req
4. and that Cleveland Jr.
had a beautiful sisterCopy !req
5. and a really cool rascal
of a little brother.Copy !req
6. Oh, dreams really do come true!Copy !req
7. Daddy, you are so hilarious.Copy !req
8. I had a dream there wasn't
a couple of freeloading chumpsCopy !req
9. in my kitchen. Slide, sister. I'm out.Copy !req
10. Shoot, man.Copy !req
11. Damn fa-fool come and tell me
about some stupid dream, man.Copy !req
12. Uh-huh.Copy !req
13. I spy with my little eye something... yellow.Copy !req
14. Mmm. My shirt.Copy !req
15. You're good at this game, Daddy.Copy !req
16. Stop the car right now!Copy !req
17. I don't want to be seen with you!Copy !req
18. Oh, okay.Copy !req
19. Cleveland, don't smack her.Copy !req
20. Okay, I'll stop the car.Copy !req
21. You go, girl! To class! Ha-ha!Copy !req
22. Don't you want to get out
of the car, too, Cleveland Jr.?Copy !req
23. No. If I walk that far,Copy !req
24. I'm gonna get sweat spots
under my breasts.Copy !req
25. All right, now. You have a good day.Copy !req
26. Okay. Bye, Dad.Copy !req
27. Hey, why don't you make out
with your dad again?Copy !req
28. Yeah, get a room.Copy !req
29. Yeah! Why don't you choke
on your dad's corn dog?Copy !req
30. Whoa, Derek,
that was an unnecessary escalation.Copy !req
31. - Yeah, but you said...
- No, I know what I said.Copy !req
32. That was still way too much.Copy !req
33. We need another girl,
so I'm gonna arbitrarily pick someone.Copy !req
34. Okay, the new fat kid will be a girl
and will be on the girls' team.Copy !req
35. And, uh, also, I'll call you Beth.Copy !req
36. Okay, dodgeball!Copy !req
37. Beth, you're out.Copy !req
38. So, how was your first day
of school, Cleveland Jr.?Copy !req
39. Terrible.Copy !req
40. Worse than an ABC comedy.Copy !req
41. Oh, I don't ever watch that mess.Copy !req
42. Listen, when I was in high school,
I discovered that I was good at baseball.Copy !req
43. You'll just have to find
what you're good at.Copy !req
44. I'm good at making sandwiches.Copy !req
45. Well, this is not a criticism,Copy !req
46. but maybe you could toast
the bread once in a while.Copy !req
47. The point is, right now
you don't know what it isCopy !req
48. that's going to make you fit in at school.Copy !req
49. But you just be on the lookout,
'cause it'll find you.Copy !req
50. Thanks, Daddy.
I'm a little less scared of school now.Copy !req
51. But I'm still afraid of toasters.Copy !req
52. That's my toast.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
53. You heard me!Copy !req
54. Mmm.Copy !req
55. Now you can put your fingers inside me.Copy !req
56. So, Rallo, how was your day?Copy !req
57. I pooped my pants at recess.Copy !req
58. We all have accidents.Copy !req
59. Oh, it wasn't no accident.Copy !req
60. All right.Copy !req
61. So, Roberta, how was your day?Copy !req
62. This ain't The View.Copy !req
63. She'll be okay, baby. She's just upsetCopy !req
64. because the Daddy-Daughter
Dinner Dance is coming up.Copy !req
65. Robert promised to take her last year,
but he never showed.Copy !req
66. Oh, well, why don't I take her?
I'm her stepdaddy.Copy !req
67. It'll be fun.Copy !req
68. Don't worry. I won't try anything.Copy !req
69. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
70. Why don't you wait and see
if Roberta brings it up to you?Copy !req
71. Isn't that what you told Cleveland Jr.,Copy !req
72. to wait for the opportunity
to present itself?Copy !req
73. Honestly, I have no idea
what I told that boy.Copy !req
74. I just try to get him through the days.Copy !req
75. I pray to the Lord he finds his way.Copy !req
76. Roberta, congratulations on getting a dateCopy !req
77. to the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance!Copy !req
78. I don't have a date.Copy !req
79. You have brought a cancer to our family.Copy !req
80. Hey, Car.Copy !req
81. Tell Roberta who the best dance
partner you ever had was.Copy !req
82. Cleveland!Copy !req
83. Ow! Bitch! Cut the damn camera off!Copy !req
84. Rallo? Really?Copy !req
85. It's got a nice island feel.Copy !req
86. I'm not going to that dance,Copy !req
87. so you can stop
with all the musical numbers.Copy !req
88. Daddy, I'm ready.Copy !req
89. No! We're cutting that number!Copy !req
90. Hi.Copy !req
91. You're new here, right?Copy !req
92. - Yeah.
- I'm Mandy. What's your name?Copy !req
93. Cleveland Jr., but most people
around here call me Beth.Copy !req
94. Well, you better not cross me, Fat Beth,Copy !req
95. or I'm going to beat you
like a three-legged mule!Copy !req
96. Well, how will I know
when I'm crossing you?Copy !req
97. 'Cause I'll do this!Copy !req
98. But... But... But...Copy !req
99. But, but, but, but...Copy !req
100. Damn. When are they going
to get doors on these stalls?Copy !req
101. Don't worry. I won't peek.Copy !req
102. Hey, fridge!Copy !req
103. Step over here and block the view.Copy !req
104. The other way.Copy !req
105. Hey, you're perfect for this.Copy !req
106. - I'm Lane.
- That's a beautiful name.Copy !req
107. I'm Cleveland Brown, Jr.Copy !req
108. Hey, Kyle! If you need to rip a grumpy,Copy !req
109. this guy makes a great door.Copy !req
110. That's cool. I'm just here to take a leak.Copy !req
111. How was school, Cleveland Jr.?Copy !req
112. Crappy. And I mean that in a good way.Copy !req
113. Hmm. You are one curious young individual.Copy !req
114. Hey, Roberta.Copy !req
115. I know you're on the fence
about going to the dance,Copy !req
116. but I thought maybe
this would help you decide.Copy !req
117. Oh, my God!Copy !req
118. Are these real?Copy !req
119. Hell, no! Just come to the dance.Copy !req
120. Haven't even gotten
your mama a diamond yet.Copy !req
121. How's that job hunt coming?Copy !req
122. Why don't you shut the hell up?Copy !req
123. These earrings were a very
nice gesture, Cleveland.Copy !req
124. Okay. I'll go to the dance with you.Copy !req
125. Hooray! We got to celebrate.Copy !req
126. Who wants a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake?Copy !req
127. Oh, Donna, I haven't been this excited
since I won that Oscar!Copy !req
128. Oh, my God!Copy !req
129. I'm sorry.Copy !req
130. This moment...Copy !req
131. is so much bigger than me!Copy !req
132. This moment is for everyCopy !req
133. nameless, faceless woman of colorCopy !req
134. that has now got a chanceCopy !req
135. because this door tonight has been opened.Copy !req
136. I'm so honored and thank
the Academy for choosing meCopy !req
137. to be the vessel
from which this blessing might flow!Copy !req
138. Okay, wait a minute. I gotta take this.Copy !req
139. Seventy-four years here!Copy !req
140. Hey, new stepdaddy,
you are doing a great job!Copy !req
141. Now, go get that cake!Copy !req
142. What the...?Copy !req
143. I'm so sorry, Meadowlark Lemon.Copy !req
144. Why'd you kill the dog?Copy !req
145. Wouldn't stop barking, huh?Copy !req
146. No, Lester, it was an accident.Copy !req
147. Oh, we gotta keep this a secret
or the kids will hate me forever.Copy !req
148. Since there's no sign of sexual abuse,Copy !req
149. I'll go ahead and get rid of it for you.Copy !req
150. Since there's no sign of sexual abuse.Copy !req
151. Kendra, hope you're in the mood
for Chinese food!Copy !req
152. You read my stomach!Copy !req
153. Be cool, Cleveland.Copy !req
154. Act as if nothing has happened,
and the others will follow suit.Copy !req
155. Meadowlark Lemon
never came back last night!Copy !req
156. I woke up, and he's not in his bed!Copy !req
157. We gotta go look for him!Copy !req
158. What I think we need to doCopy !req
159. is hope against hope that he'll come back.Copy !req
160. But let's remember
that dogs are wild animalsCopy !req
161. and have only been domesticated
since, like, 7,000 B.C. or somethin'.Copy !req
162. Sit.Copy !req
163. - What did he say?
- I think he wants us to sit.Copy !req
164. - Should we?
- I don't know.Copy !req
165. You know what? Let's do it,
and then I bet I can trick himCopy !req
166. into scooping up my poop.Copy !req
167. Oh, that would be classic!Copy !req
168. You'd better go help him find the dog.Copy !req
169. - I'll go shopping with Roberta.
- Okay.Copy !req
170. Here, take my credit card.Copy !req
171. I might have to get myself
a new suit as wellCopy !req
172. at the Men's Wearhouse.Copy !req
173. I'm gonna like the way I look.Copy !req
174. I guarantee it.Copy !req
175. Meadowlark Lemon!Copy !req
176. - Meadowlark Lemon!
- Meadowlark Lemon!Copy !req
177. I don't think he's here.Copy !req
178. If we don't find him,
I'm gonna start using drugs, probably.Copy !req
179. Hmm, probably.Copy !req
180. You know, Rallo,
as hard as this is for me to say,Copy !req
181. we might need to start
thinking about the possibilityCopy !req
182. that Meadowlark Lemon
has gone to a better place.Copy !req
183. Or he could be at the sludge pond!Copy !req
184. He loves that place. Let's look there.Copy !req
185. The sludge pond? I don't think he—Copy !req
186. You know something?
I'm not gonna lie to you.Copy !req
187. When Mama told me she was marrying you,
I said, "Really? This fat guy?"Copy !req
188. This is how little you think of yourself?Copy !req
189. But the Cleveland Brown
I've seen in the past few hours?Copy !req
190. It's making me think
looks aren't everything.Copy !req
191. You're all right, Old Brown.Copy !req
192. Because you're helping this manCopy !req
193. at a time in his life
when he... when he...Copy !req
194. Okay, we'll look at the sludge pond.Copy !req
195. Go ahead and blow your nose
on my shirt if you need to.Copy !req
196. Oh!Copy !req
197. Ah, ah...Copy !req
198. Nothing.Copy !req
199. Well, not nothing, but no dog.Copy !req
200. Well, not no dog, but no Meadowlark Lemon.Copy !req
201. Well, then it's off to the slurry chuteCopy !req
202. behind the chicken gizzard cannery!Copy !req
203. Son of a...Copy !req
204. bitch.Copy !req
205. He's not here either.Copy !req
206. Ugh, this place smells like Chloe Sevigny.Copy !req
207. - Who's that?
- Just some gross, indie porno actress.Copy !req
208. Where next?Copy !req
209. The Greek restaurant/gym.Copy !req
210. So then, Miss Donna said yes,Copy !req
211. and now we live next door to a bear.Copy !req
212. Wow, great story.Copy !req
213. Hey, be my buddy and grab me
a couple of paper towels.Copy !req
214. Be your buddy? Sure!Copy !req
215. Thanks. Hey, I heard you got beat up
by that girl yesterday.Copy !req
216. Yeah.Copy !req
217. - You want me to kick her ass?
- No.Copy !req
218. Want me to ask her out,
date her for, like, eight months,Copy !req
219. get her to fall in love with me,
and then dump her and break her heart?Copy !req
220. Sure. Just don't get her pregnant.Copy !req
221. How could I? I had a vasectomy.Copy !req
222. Well, not a vasectomy so much
as testicular cancer.Copy !req
223. That's nature's vasectomy.Copy !req
224. Thanks, I never thought of it that way.Copy !req
225. Gimme some. You're all right.Copy !req
226. So all day I was searching for a dog
that I know is dead.Copy !req
227. I don't know what to tell these kids.Copy !req
228. Hey, if it'd help,
tell 'em it was delicious.Copy !req
229. - What?
- Tasted a lot like kitten.Copy !req
230. You ate the dog?Copy !req
231. I ate a dog once.Copy !req
232. I think her name was Betsy.Copy !req
233. Met her tailgating. Arena football.Copy !req
234. Season tickets. She had bacne.Copy !req
235. Woke up, she was peeing
in the corner in my room.Copy !req
236. Was she Chinese or Asian?Copy !req
237. Partly. You know what?
She might have been Hawaiian.Copy !req
238. Excuse me! Hello?Copy !req
239. We're talking about Lester
eating my family's dog.Copy !req
240. Wait. Who are you to judge, Cleveland?Copy !req
241. At least Lester didn't murder the dog
and then lie to his family about it.Copy !req
242. It wasn't a murder.Copy !req
243. Well, you're-you're covering it
up like it's murder.Copy !req
244. Tell me, Cleveland, are you going
to build your family foundationCopy !req
245. on a rock or on the quicksand?Copy !req
246. - Rock.
- Frickin' A, rock!Copy !req
247. Well, then Jesus would say
you have to confess everything.Copy !req
248. Be brutally honest.Copy !req
249. Don't leave out any details.Copy !req
250. You may not know,
but Jesus was a carpenter.Copy !req
251. Back then it was a better job,
and good carpentry is all about details.Copy !req
252. But I just broke through with these kids.Copy !req
253. If you don't come clean, you'll regret it.Copy !req
254. You know, like Lewis regretted
bringing Clark on that expedition.Copy !req
255. So we pull up our canoe,
and there are, like, 400 IndiansCopy !req
256. with arrows aimed right at us.Copy !req
257. I'm starting to freak a little...Copy !req
258. Uh, actually,
it was probably closer to 300.Copy !req
259. Okay, thanks, Clark.
So I say, "We come in peace!"Copy !req
260. Well, um, no offense,Copy !req
261. but it was actually
Sacagawea who said that.Copy !req
262. For what it's worth.Copy !req
263. Right. Well, luckily we brought plentyCopy !req
264. - of beaver furs.
- Pelts.Copy !req
265. Do you want to tell
the (bleep) story, Clark?Copy !req
266. Look at your date
for tomorrow night, Cleveland.Copy !req
267. Isn't she beautiful?Copy !req
268. Thank you for the dress, Cleveland.Copy !req
269. I'm glad you're all here. Please sit down.Copy !req
270. I'm not sure how to tell y'all this,
so I'm just gonna say it:Copy !req
271. The other night,
Meadowlark Lemon was killed.Copy !req
272. - What?
- Oh, my God! What happened?Copy !req
273. Well, as I was backing out of the drivewayCopy !req
274. to get the Baskin Robbins ice cream cake,Copy !req
275. which we all later enjoyed very much,Copy !req
276. I accidentally drove over his head
with both my left rear tireCopy !req
277. and then my left front tire.Copy !req
278. Curious, I stepped out of my vehicleCopy !req
279. and saw his mangled,
lifeless body on the drivewayCopy !req
280. in a smeared pool of his own blood.Copy !req
281. And now the hard part:Copy !req
282. I had no idea that in the hours
that followed,Copy !req
283. Lester and his family
would eat Meadowlark Lemon.Copy !req
284. That's right. They ate your dog.Copy !req
285. Okay. So, Rallo,
go throw the dog food out.Copy !req
286. We have no use for it now.Copy !req
287. That will make room for a new
recycling bin in the kitchen!Copy !req
288. Hooray!Copy !req
289. Hooray for the Browns and Tubbses!Copy !req
290. You're nothing but a lowdown dog killer.Copy !req
291. I knew I couldn't trust you.Copy !req
292. Why didn't you just tell
us the truth before?Copy !req
293. I don't know.
I just took the easy way out.Copy !req
294. Like Kurt Cobain.Copy !req
295. Make love to me, Kurt.Copy !req
296. Um...Copy !req
297. I'm going to go grab
something out of the garage.Copy !req
298. Be right back, though.Copy !req
299. Roberta, I hope this doesn't meanCopy !req
300. you're not going
to the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance.Copy !req
301. Oh, yeah. I'm going to the dance.Copy !req
302. Oh, good.Copy !req
303. But not with you.Copy !req
304. You'd probably run me over
and feed me to a bunch of rednecks.Copy !req
305. I just called my real dad.Copy !req
306. I'm going with him!Copy !req
307. Oh, Cleveland.Copy !req
308. I know. Let's go upstairs and pay tributeCopy !req
309. to Meadowlark Lemon
by making love in the styleCopy !req
310. coined by his species.Copy !req
311. Plus, that way, we can both watch Kimmel.Copy !req
312. Kids! Donna! Come out here!Copy !req
313. I got a surprise for you!Copy !req
314. Cleveland, what have you done?Copy !req
315. I'd like to introduce
you all to our new dog,Copy !req
316. Kareem Abdul Jabark.Copy !req
317. Get it, "Jabark"?Copy !req
318. You can't just replace my dog
like Brad Pitt replaced Jennifer Aniston,Copy !req
319. or John Mayer replaced Jennifer Aniston,Copy !req
320. or Vince Vaughn replaced Jennifer Aniston,Copy !req
321. or that munch from
The Counting Crows replaced—Copy !req
322. The point is,
my dog is not Jennifer Aniston.Copy !req
323. Well, I guess it's just you and me,
Kareem Abdul Jabark.Copy !req
324. Now go fetch the rebound!Copy !req
325. Oh!Copy !req
326. Oh!Copy !req
327. Run! Run!Copy !req
328. My friends are here. I'm leaving.Copy !req
329. Your friends?
I thought Robert was picking you up.Copy !req
330. He had a last-minute appointment.Copy !req
331. He'll meet me there.Copy !req
332. He's not showing up, is he?Copy !req
333. Whenever he has
a "last-minute appointment,"Copy !req
334. it means he's going
to get a new bag of weed.Copy !req
335. It's usually pretty good weed.Copy !req
336. Oh, I don't know what to do.Copy !req
337. This is harder than tryingCopy !req
338. to identify a rapist
at a Star Trek convention.Copy !req
339. Could you describe the assailant?Copy !req
340. Yes. He was a white male,
35 to 45 years old,Copy !req
341. glasses, bad skin,Copy !req
342. about 50 pounds overweight,Copy !req
343. smelled like CheetosCopy !req
344. and was carrying a poster
with a Sharpie pen.Copy !req
345. I know what to do.Copy !req
346. Who here is not a virgin?Copy !req
347. You're under arrest.Copy !req
348. Aw!Copy !req
349. Aw! I'm no good at anything.Copy !req
350. Look at you. Pitiful.Copy !req
351. You're nothin', Cleveland Brown.Copy !req
352. You're a loser.Copy !req
353. And your mustache is stupid.Copy !req
354. You know, Rallo, you're really cruising
for some discipline.Copy !req
355. All right, that's it. Here we go.Copy !req
356. I'm gonna enjoy this.Copy !req
357. All right, enough!Copy !req
358. Look, Rallo, I made a mistake.Copy !req
359. I feel terrible for running over your dog.Copy !req
360. You should!Copy !req
361. I'd bring him back
if I could, but I can't.Copy !req
362. What's done is done. And we are moving on.Copy !req
363. You got that?Copy !req
364. I'm in charge of this family now,
and you are gonna respect me!Copy !req
365. Well, look who finally showed up: a man.Copy !req
366. 'Bout time you took charge.Copy !req
367. You're lucky, too.Copy !req
368. I'm gonna put these away... for now.Copy !req
369. So, we good?Copy !req
370. Yeah, we good. Now as for my sister,Copy !req
371. I think we both know what you gotta do.Copy !req
372. You bet we do.Copy !req
373. Uh...Copy !req
374. She just went to the Daddy-Daughter
Dinner Dance by herself?Copy !req
375. Yep.Copy !req
376. What the hell?Copy !req
377. Here you are, Mr. Williams.Copy !req
378. Thank you, young man.Copy !req
379. Lookin' sharp there, Mr. Williams, sir.Copy !req
380. Oh, hi, Dad! What are you doing here?Copy !req
381. What am I—? What are you doing here?Copy !req
382. Working. Remember you told me
to find something I'm good at?Copy !req
383. Well, I did! I'm good at mouth breathing.Copy !req
384. Which makes it bearable for meCopy !req
385. to stand in here all day
and make money and friends.Copy !req
386. All thanks to your advice.Copy !req
387. Drakkar Noir?Copy !req
388. You listen to me and you listen good!Copy !req
389. Just spray a little in the air
and I'll do a pass.Copy !req
390. Mm...Copy !req
391. You're not working in a damn crapper!Copy !req
392. You look like a racist cliché
in a Ron Howard movie!Copy !req
393. You get home, and tomorrowCopy !req
394. I'm gonna teach you
how to throw a baseball!Copy !req
395. Okay, Dad.Copy !req
396. And when you get home, boil your clothes!Copy !req
397. But it will burn.Copy !req
398. Take 'em off first!Copy !req
399. Excuse me, where are the girls
whose fathers didn't show up to the dance?Copy !req
400. You?Copy !req
401. What do you want?Copy !req
402. I just want a chance.Copy !req
403. There's going to be a
time when you mess upCopy !req
404. and you'll want me to forgive you,Copy !req
405. and I will because that's
what families do.Copy !req
406. And you can be angry, and you can hate me,Copy !req
407. but you can't stop me
from being there for you.Copy !req
408. Or here. For you.Copy !req
409. Roberta, will you marry me?Copy !req
410. Oh, I'm so nervous.Copy !req
411. Being a stepdad is all new to me.Copy !req
412. And now, by special request...Copy !req
413. Roberta Coretta Tubbs,
may I have this dance?Copy !req
414. I don't know how to dance to this song.Copy !req
415. Don't think about it!Copy !req
416. Now lift your stomach up a little bit.Copy !req
417. Holy crap! You're a dude!Copy !req