The Cleveland Show 1x18

Directed by

Ye as Kenny West (voice)

Rallo gives Cleveland Jr. tips on how to woo the girl of his dreams; Cleveland Jr. challenges her boyfriend to a rap battle.

Request examples:

!req The Cleveland Show 1x18 [02:32]
!req The Cleveland Show 1x18 [The Cleveland Show 1x18]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Cleveland Show 1x18 [10-11]; !req The Cleveland Show 1x18 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. See you tomorrow, Rallo.

2. Looking good, Rallo.

3. Nice ass!

4. So, Rallo, who you gonna be rubbing up on at the school carnival?

5. Fool, please.

6. I'm too cool for pre-school.

7. I need a real woman.

8. There ain't a girl in our class with more than an A-cup.

9. Heck, there ain't a girl in our class

10. with more than a sippy cup.

11. What are you doing?

12. I was practicing what I'd do if I was on fire.

13. A'ight.

14. Rallo, I was robbed today at school.

15. A girl stole my heart.

16. Her name is Chanel.

17. Did you make your move?

18. She's out of my league.

19. So instead of making a move, I'm gonna stuff my feelings down deep

20. so they can come out in interesting and surprising ways years later.

21. Hey, Too-Cool-For-Preschool,

22. how 'bout getting him hooked up with that girl

23. he's all locoin the coco about?

24. Bring it on. How hot can she be anyway?

25. Probably somewhere between a young Bea Arthur

26. and a present day Bea Arthur.

27. God will get you for that, Rallo.

28. You're late!

29. We're the cable guys. We're always late.

30. That's not true. We try.

31. Hey, everyone!

32. The cable guys are here!

33. Whoo!

34. Take it off!

35. - Come again? - Come on!

36. Ooh, I love your hair! Whoo!

37. Man, they think we're strippers.

38. Good thing I'm wearing my breakaway pants.

39. That shirt is the property of Waterman Cable.

40. Come on, man! Loosen up!

41. Let me see what you're working with! Let me see your ass!

42. I guess there's no harm in showing a little helmet.

43. Here it is.

44. Look, it's the Redskins.

45. Take your pants off!

46. Oh.

47. Four hundred and thirty-five dollars.

48. Terry, do you realize if we did four bachelorette parties a day,

49. we'd be clearing more than $450,000 a year?

50. And if we spend it all at Bed, Bath & Beyond,

51. saving 20 percent from the gross,

52. that's, like, $562,500!

53. Sheets, candles,

54. bath mats, small appliances.

55. We'll be swimming in them!

56. Oh, Terry, we have got to make this happen.

57. A couple of those chicks did ask for our number.

58. As long as your wife is cool with it.

59. Donna! You're right.

60. This is exactly the sort of thing wives don't like.

61. Wait. I'll make up a lie.

62. But what if she finds out I'm lying?

63. I'll just tell her I wasn't lying.

64. Today is your lucky day, Cleveland Jr.

65. Yay! Why?

66. I've decided to help you on your quest for love.

67. So I'm gonna give you some of Rallo's Rules.

68. First, you gotta stand out.

69. Decorate your body to attract a mate.

70. Here.

71. Wow! It only hurt for a second!

72. Second, find a way to initiate physical contact.

73. Here's one of my classics.

74. Hey, little lady.

75. What if I told you that you could draw a turkey

76. using nothing but your hand?

77. I've never been turkey-fingered before.

78. Third, smile.

79. Think of something that makes you happy.

80. What are you thinking about?

81. Anderson Cooper with curly hair.

82. All right, don't say out loud what you're thinking.

83. Oh, hey, there's our cable truck.

84. All right! My jam!

85. Yeah! Whoo!

86. Terry, you really are a stripper.

87. A stripper of a friend's trust.

88. All right, now put this in your ear, and I'm gonna feed you lines.

89. Hasn't this bit been done to death?

90. Yeah, you're right.

91. You got this. Go make me proud.

92. All right, now show her the tattoo.

93. - Talk to me. - She said yes!

94. She's coming over to the house to study geometry with me tomorrow.

95. There he goes.

96. Look what Big Round Brown did.

97. Here she comes.

98. See you tomorrow, Cleveland Jr.

99. She will be mine.

100. O... bama!

101. Hey, man, what's going on?

102. I'm confronting you about betraying me.

103. My friends think I'm strong enough to do this.

104. And I believe them.

105. Oh, man. I'm sorry, Cleveland.

106. I didn't wanna hurt your feelings, but the women who called

107. specifically requested that you not come.

108. What? You must have misinterpreted them.

109. They said, "Please do not bring the portly Black gentleman."

110. One woman was particularly repulsed by your stretch marks.

111. I have a child!

112. Hey, wait, wait, wait.

113. Cleveland, you can be my manager.

114. Book gigs, handle the money.

115. I mean, you're decent with numbers,

116. and... and I don't know any Jewish people.

117. Tell you what, I get 20 percent, and it's a deal.

118. Hell, you can have 30 percent!

119. Wow, you really don't know any Jewish people, do you?

120. Oh, this is so hard.

121. I don't know how to find the secant of a triangle.

122. Well, then hold on a secant.

123. Hey, is that Chanel Williams

124. chopping it up with my steppity-bro?

125. I think you mean step-brizzle.

126. There's been a gas leak!

127. Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector

128. from now on.

129. When your wife says she'll use it in front of you, you find some batteries.

130. Yo, check it.

131. Big Fed's about to bless y'all with two VIP passes

132. to the release party for my new CD, Fireman Killer.

133. But aren't firemen heroes?

134. To who?

135. Wastin' water, blastin' they sirens,

136. ridin' around with them Dalmatian-ass dogs.

137. Blap!

138. Was he that dumb before the gas leak?

139. He's just trying to find his way like everybody else.

140. You're sweet.

141. Well, what do we have here?

142. I didn't know we had a guest,

143. much less such a beautiful young lady.

144. What are you guys working on, math?

145. Oh, a number six.

146. Yeah, I know how to make one of those.

147. In fact, Chanel, I even know how to draw a turkey

148. using nothing but your lovely hand.

149. We could do it in my room.

150. - You are just too cute! - Huh?

151. Does somebody want a airplane ride?

152. - Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! - Put me down! Put me down!

153. - Whee! Here we go! - Put me— Wee!

154. Oh, I'm a plane!

155. - You are! Yes, you are! - Wait a minute, put me down.

156. Sorry he's so cranky.

157. He was up till 7:15 last night.

158. Oh, thanks. Anybody else wanna take a shot?

159. Rallo, are you bothering the big kids?

160. Come here, I need to give you your diarrhea medicine.

161. You are in for a world of hurt, buffalo butt.

162. What did you call me?

163. No, not you, Mom—

164. Hey, Junior, glad to hear that first date went well.

165. Now I wanna give you Rallo's Rules for a second date.

166. Thanks.

167. Okay, listen up.

168. Always be on your phone.

169. It makes you look important.

170. Talking, texting, doesn't matter.

171. But what if she has something she wants to talk to me about?

172. Then you let out a long exhale, roll your eyes and say, "What?"

173. And if there's a problem, you try to solve it immediately.

174. Don't even wait to hear the whole problem.

175. And then look back at your phone, point to it and say,

176. "Ha-ha, this guy's hilarious."

177. Be on your phone, never listen, "this guy's hilarious."

178. Thanks, Rallo.

179. You're welcome.

180. Rallo, it's time to take a pee-pee!

181. I wish so much I didn't have to take a pee-pee right now.

182. Come on out of there.

183. Come on out of there, lost hair.

184. I'm gonna scratch a little hole in the skin

185. so you can find your way out.

186. Stretch on out instead of being all curled and bunched.

187. Hey, what took you so long?

188. We're gonna be late for your next gig.

189. Hey, there's $200 here.

190. Big tippers, huh?

191. Nah, no tips.

192. Just, you know, a hundred for the stripping

193. and a hundred for the sex.

194. - What now? - It turns out that they kind of expect

195. the "deluxe package," if you know what I mean.

196. Wait. I'm organizing and scheduling sexual acts

197. and then collecting a portion of the profits?

198. - Yep. - Terry, that makes you a prostitute.

199. And that makes me a pimp!

200. I'm a pimp!

201. Oh, I'm gonna go buy a pimp hat and a pimp suit,

202. some pimp shoes, maybe a pimp scarf—

203. Pimp socks?

204. No one's gonna see my damn socks, you slut.

205. Hey, you're not paid to laugh.

206. Get out there and make my money, trick!

207. Okay, that one hurt a little.

208. I'm sorry. I'm just so excited to be a pimp!

209. This is gonna be good, fellas.

210. One sec, Chanel.

211. I'm just reading a text from my dad.

212. This guy's hilarious.

213. Here we go. Here we go.

214. I'm gonna write him back because I'm very important to him.

215. No, but I love my dad.

216. Aw, that's cute.

217. I didn't tell him to say that.

218. - Chanel. - Kenny?

219. That's Kenny West.

220. - Who's that? - Stoolbend's most famous rapper.

221. You'd know that if you read my blog, "Out and About with Julius."

222. - Who are you? - Her boyfriend.

223. You'd know that if you read "Out and About with Julius."

224. Not exactly. We broke up.

225. I gotta get to a phone.

226. Chanel, what are you doing with this water balloon?

227. This is Cleveland Jr.

228. He's sweet and thoughtful, and he doesn't make me wait around all day

229. while he's off buying sunglasses with his posse.

230. Cleveland Jr.?

231. There ain't nothing junior about this guy.

232. Crash and burn, Junior.

233. This worked out even better than I planned.

234. Who is this Chia dwarf?

235. What'd you just call me?

236. You get that tattoo from a Cracker Jack box?

237. Yeah. Why?

238. Tell me, little man.

239. How the hell do you support that big-ass afro with that tiny-ass neck?

240. You're like a Questlove bobblehead.

241. Come on, Chanel. We need to talk.

242. Sorry, Junior.

243. Chanel, wait!

244. Sometimes I even kiss my dad on the lips!

245. Man, Kenny West made us both look like punks.

246. Oh, well. I guess we need to pray for the courage

247. to accept the things we cannot change.

248. Man, shut up! We gotta get revenge.

249. And we are gonna get you that girl back at Federline's party tonight.

250. Yaaaaa...

251. I'm just gonna...

252. aaaaayyyy!

253. Cleveland, where did you get that huge wad of cash?

254. Can't a man sneak into his house in the middle of the night

255. with a huge wad of unexplained cash without being nagged by his wife?

256. - Shoot. - Well, Yvette told me a friend of hers

257. received one of Terry's special installations.

258. Also, I found this next to the bathroom sink.

259. Well, what are you doing looking next to the bathroom sink?

260. You're pimping Terry.

261. Ain't nothin' but somethin' to do.

262. Cleveland, it's a crime!

263. What? Crimes have victims, Donna.

264. There are no victims here.

265. Prostitutes are the victims.

266. Terry is the victim.

267. Ha! I'm Terry.

268. "Oh, no, I have to have sex, which feels really good.

269. Oh, it's worse, I have to have sex for cash money

270. that I can buy things with.

271. Oh, and I can't stay the night and hold in farts

272. while I listen to story after story about your funny coworker.

273. Oh, oh, make it stop!"

274. You're an idiot!

275. Can you believe she said that?

276. You, a victim.

277. As if.

278. I know, I know.

279. Although sometimes I can't help thinking

280. that man wasn't meant to do it more than six times a day.

281. And now that you mention it,

282. you know what else I found out about myself?

283. I don't like to be strangled.

284. Hell, it's scary.

285. You black out.

286. You wake up in a different place, your face in a different headboard.

287. And that's just the physical pain.

288. I never thought I'd hear myself say this.

289. I don't wanna be a prostitute.

290. Well, at least I get to hang on to these.

291. Hey, you got the pimp socks!

292. I did.

293. Thanks for the fun, Terry.

294. You were my best bitch.

295. And you were a cold, cold pimp.

296. Sorry about all those men I set you up with.

297. Yo, what's poppin', y'all?

298. I wanna thank everyone for coming

299. to the official release party of Fireman Killer.

300. Firemen's been getting a free pass for too long.

301. May... May we say a few words?

302. Dag, Pops.

303. Why you always gotta blow up my spot?

304. We're not blowing up anyone's spot.

305. Hello, I'm Gabriel's father, Professor Friedman.

306. And I'm Gabriel's mother, also Professor Friedman.

307. Please be mindful of the new carpet.

308. Enjoy!

309. She's here.

310. All right, now get over there and tell her how you feel.

311. Wow.

312. Chanel, there's something I wanna tell you.

313. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

314. I can't believe you're showing your face around here,

315. especially talking to my girl like that.

316. I should mess you up right now.

317. But instead, I'm gonna take you down with my lyrics.

318. Federstein, lay down a beat.

319. I need to say something here.

320. He... Hello? Can you hear me?

321. - Huh? - Mm?

322. Well, that was uncalled for.

323. Yeah, how you like me now, bitch?

324. Dang, he got him. That's my brother.

325. Saul, call the fire department!

326. No!

327. Don't y'all see?

328. That's just what they want y'all to—

329. Dag, girl, my whole world is upside down.

330. They are heroes.

331. Not like those Coast Guard punks, with they tuggin'-ass boats.

332. You got another CD in you, boo.

333. What do you know? It works.

334. Hey, Junior. Man, I'm sorry I laid into you so hard.

335. It was just kind of tough seeing you with my baby mama.

336. Baby mama?

337. Yes. Kenny and I have a child together.

338. Meet Kandace.

339. Wa, wa, wa, wa, wow!

340. You two are a mommy and daddy?

341. Kenny, don't tell me my new-friend-slash-hype-man

342. is a deadbeat dad?

343. Nah, I ain't no deadbeat dad.

344. I'm taking Kandace to school, I'm putting her to bed at night,

345. I'm running around town trying to sell bone-density machines.

346. Do you know how hard it is to sell a bone-density machine in this economy?

347. How hard is it?

348. It's hard.

349. Oh. I thought you were trying to set up a joke.

350. The point is, this child needs a family.

351. And this is a good man.

352. And who knows, someday he might even make it

353. as the self-described voice of his generation.

354. Thanks, man.

355. Hey, I want you to have something.

356. Nah, they look good on you.

357. What if I told you that you could draw a turkey

358. with nothing but your hand?