The Cleveland Show 1x17

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When Cleveland is diagnosed with high cholesterol, Donna puts him on a new high-fiber diet, which causes an intestinal backlash. It may stink up the place, but Cleveland quickly realizes his gas might score him a few points in the Broken Stool's karaoke contest. Meanwhile, Quagmire pays a visit to Stoolbend to deliver Cleveland some upsetting news.

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1. Bacon, cheese, eggs.

2. Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.

3. You got that covered.

4. No, I smell like a middle-aged man.

5. Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats

6. from our adjustable-rate mortgage.

7. Now, pass those eggs.

8. Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?

9. Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening."

10. Uh, pass the eggs.

11. This is your breakfast, Cleveland,

12. the same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.

13. More twigs?

14. Fiber Twigs, the cereal that lowers your cholesterol.

15. I got a splinter!

16. 'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.

17. Huh? Oh.

18. Hey!

19. Oh, come on, baby. I need you alive and healthy

20. for the karaoke contest this weekend.

21. We could win $500.

22. And I don't want a repeat of our high school talent show.

23. Donna, I got my license.

24. Oh, Roberta.

25. I'm in my room!

26. That's just your breakfast getting down to business.

27. Here's your lunch.

28. Bran muffin, can of beans, and for dessert,

29. some of that Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt that makes you poop.

30. Damn, Daddy.

31. Remember when that cat crawled in the air conditioning duct and died

32. and we couldn't get it out for 16 months?

33. That was like a Glade Plug-In compared to this.

34. Heat rises. I smell nothing.

35. Oh, what do you think you're—

36. Ah! Oh, no! Ah! Put me down, put me down!

37. Oh, what if they come in here?

38. What the— Oh, my! Oh, no!

39. Auntie Em! Auntie Em!

40. Oh, Terry, hurry up! We gotta go!

41. But I'm not finish— Oh!

42. Whoa! Oh, no!

43. Ow! Oh! Ow!

44. Oh! Ow, my urethra!

45. I'm sorry, Terry, but I'm on this new high-fiber diet, and I—

46. My hermaphrodite yogurt!

47. Look, if you're gonna be my partner,

48. I don't wanna hear one more fart out of you.

49. - Is that clear? - Yes, sir.

50. Good! 'Cause I—

51. Oh, you bastard!

52. Sometimes they no make a noise.

53. Look out!

54. I can't believe...

55. my last breath... is gonna be your ass-gas.

56. I always knew we would die this way.

57. Goodbye, Terry.

58. Gee, thanks, Mr. Flippers.

59. Terry, always keep your eyes on the road.

60. Will do.

61. And Cleveland, see a doctor about your ungodly flatulence.

62. Yes, sir.

63. Good. See you later, peoples.

64. Bye, Mr. Flippers!

65. - You're deep. - Thank you. I was a philosophy major.

66. Everything checks out, Cleveland.

67. Your flatulence is a perfectly normal side effect of a high-fiber diet.

68. So you're saying all this farting is okay?

69. No, I'm saying it's medically necessary.

70. But what about the social stigma?

71. Won't people consider me a gross, farting pig like Tommy Lasorda?

72. I'll write you a note.

73. You mean a free pass to pass gas wherever and whenever I want to?

74. The medical term is a fart card.

75. But remember, Cleveland,

76. with great power comes great responsibility.

77. Fart card.

78. You gotta project, Kendra.

79. Sing like you do when you're in your washtub out back.

80. Oh, I'll...

81. I'll never be no Kellie Pickler!

82. Poor fat Kendra.

83. Lester and Kendra, everybody. Vote with your applause.

84. Wow, that really was not very popular.

85. You two will not advance to the finals Sunday night

86. and thus will not be winning the $500 grand prize.

87. Play 'em off, Charlie.

88. No regrets!

89. That hairy beast can sing.

90. Gosh. Gee whiz.

91. What a tough act to follow, huh?

92. Boy, I wouldn't wanna follow them.

93. Following them are Cleveland Brown and his wife, Mrs. Cleveland Brown.

94. Oh, it burns.

95. Oh, bad, bad, nothing but problems.

96. Ow, ow!

97. Wow!

98. Great job, folks. You made the finals.

99. Everybody, be back here Sunday to watch the Browns and the Bears face off

100. on national television.

101. Then, after the football game,

102. we'll turn off the TV and finish our stupid karaoke contest.

103. I always thought I had a God-given talent, Donna.

104. I'm a fartiste.

105. We get you farting, too, and we'll be unbeatable.

106. Cleveland, I wanna win by singing.

107. Why? Take the low road, baby.

108. It's so much more fun and profitable.

109. I mean, who would you rather be, Weird Al Yankovic or Dido?

110. Dido.

111. You and I are very different people, Donna.

112. Hello. Uh-huh.

113. Singing.

114. Don't have to pay royalties on...

115. these babies.

116. No, sir, my creative output is entirely...

117. my own.

118. Cleveland, it's about Loretta.

119. Loretta?

120. Ha, what about her?

121. What about my lousy...

122. two-timing...

123. ugly-ass...

124. ex-wife?

125. She's dead.

126. Oh.

127. Yes, I understand.

128. I will handle the arrangements.

129. Thank you for the sentiment.

130. Goodbye.

131. I am so sorry, Cleveland.

132. Loretta had no next of kin in Quahog,

133. so one of my old friends is driving the body down here.

134. The funeral is Friday.

135. There she is.

136. Oh, what a drive.

137. Thirteen hours is a long way with only one hand on the wheel.

138. - Oh! - Ha, sex.

139. You wanna see her?

140. Why is she wearing a French maid's costume?

141. 'Cause I wanted to nail a dead French maid.

142. Giggity, giggity!

143. I've missed you, Glenn.

144. Do you know how she died?

145. Yep. It all started when Brian dug up a brontosaurus skull.

146. All right, little more, little more.

147. I'll have this sucker in the bedroom in no time.

148. Oh, time for United States of Tara.

149. No, no, no, no, no, no!

150. Oh, God! Wait, what's that?

151. Oh, look at her gross boobs.

152. Well, I'll run her over to the funeral home,

153. then I'm heading up to Langley.

154. Got a background gag in a bachelor party scene on American Dad.

155. Oh, that... that's good. Paying work.

156. Save it. Have fun on your spin-off, Joey.

157. I will!

158. And this ain't no Joey, you one-note (bleep)!

159. We are so sorry, Cleveland.

160. Please accept our tuna for this difficult time.

161. It's a pity you two will have to drop out of the karaoke finals.

162. Such a disappointment.

163. Excuse me?

164. I don't think we're dropping out.

165. Hell, no. We're gonna win, to spite Loretta.

166. She was an awful person.

167. How did Cleveland Jr. take the news?

168. Why would my son care that my ex-wife is dead?

169. Oh, boy.

170. Good evening, Cleveland Jr.

171. Hello.

172. Son, I have some good news and some bad news.

173. Well, can I have the good news first?

174. The good news is that I bought you a handsome new funeral suit!

175. Wow!

176. And now for the bad news.

177. Junior, your mother, Loretta, is dead.

178. The funeral is Friday.

179. Watch out for this boy, Lord.

180. Oh, I see.

181. Well, that... that's very sad news.

182. If you wanna cry, it's okay.

183. Don't hold it in, Junior.

184. I've been reading up on child grief and—

185. Oh, Dr. Genstler's book?

186. Uh, I'm not sure.

187. It was in that free parenting magazine they give away at the supermarket.

188. Oh, because Dr. Genstler said that it's possible

189. to grieve for a loss before an actual death.

190. I've already mourned the loss of my mother and that broken family,

191. and now I have a new family that will love and support me

192. in a way that, unfortunately, my biological mother never could.

193. I still don't know if you're smart or stupid.

194. So, you're okay?

195. Well, I'm sad that mom was never able to find

196. what she was looking for in her life, Daddy,

197. but, yeah, I'm okay.

198. Okay, Junior, but we're here if you need us.

199. That boy is a ticking bomb.

200. - Say, you up for a nooner? - No.

201. - What time is it? - 1:30.

202. - You up for a one-thirtier? - No!

203. See you at two o'clock.

204. Mm. Poor Junior, keeping it all in.

205. You watch, in 20 minutes, we'll be picking up the pieces.

206. And he's a big boy, so there's gonna be a lot of pieces.

207. I'm sorry. That's inappropriate.

208. Loretta Brown was a woman I did not know,

209. but according to Wikipedia, a woman by that name

210. won a Grammy in 1989 for Best Spoken Word Album.

211. Another woman by that name, or possibly her as well,

212. served in the Australian Parliament between 1958 and 1964.

213. Citation needed.

214. Praise the Lord!

215. We now commit the body

216. of Loretta Marie Callender Brown to the Earth.

217. Stay strong, Junior.

218. No! No!

219. No!

220. It's too soon!

221. Why, God?

222. Why?

223. I'll miss you both.

224. All right, close it up.

225. Who's up for barbecue?

226. Do you still love her, Cleveland?

227. No. No, baby.

228. I love you.

229. Having an emotional breakdown on your ex-wife's casket

230. is a strange way to show it.

231. I'm sure I'll have the same reaction on your casket

232. in front of my third wife.

233. Cleveland, that was the woman you always complained about.

234. The woman who cheated on you, who slept with your friends.

235. Well, one friend.

236. No, there were more.

237. Peter Griffin told me at our wedding.

238. Mayor West, Ollie Williams, Frank Sinatra Jr.,

239. - the greased-up deaf man... - Guy.

240. The point is, Cleveland, she wasn't good to you.

241. I know. I have no idea what happened at the funeral.

242. I don't know why I lost control or... or...

243. or why I'm still upset about it!

244. Well, you'd better...

245. You'd better figure it out, Cleveland, before you lose another wife.

246. I would slam the door, but the children are sleeping.

247. I'll act as if you did.

248. Thanks.

249. You don't have to be so damn dramatic!

250. Don't worry, Cleveland. She ain't leaving. She broke.

251. Hot tea, how classy. Do you take it with one dong or two?

252. No, it's... it's too hot for dongs.

253. Just honey. It's good for the... the karaoke vocal chords.

254. Hey, maybe you and Donna should just give up now, eh?

255. Whatever, Tim.

256. No, no, no. No, I'm... I'm just...

257. I'm giving you friendly trash talk.

258. Now you say something rude about me

259. or... or how fat my mama is.

260. Look, Tim, Donna's not even speaking to me,

261. much less singing with me,

262. so you got nothing to worry about.

263. Wrong. Dead wrong.

264. - Mrs. Hot Brown's singing with me. - Say what?

265. Said she wanted to piss you off by showing she'd be happier singing

266. with the most pathetic piece of human garbage she could find.

267. Her words.

268. I've got one wife that's dead and one wife that hates me.

269. Just like O.J. Simpson.

270. He's hurting bad.

271. Why else would a Black guy talk that way about O.J. Simpson?

272. Yes, and what kind of friends would we be if we didn't help him?

273. Normal American male friends.

274. Let's book while he's still in the john.

275. I don't understand, Loretta.

276. Why did I cry at your funeral?

277. You did me so wrong. I moved on.

278. So, why am I upset?

279. No, no, no, no, no, no!

280. Wait. That's it.

281. Pew!

282. Ow! Hey, I'm trying to mourn over here!

283. Oh, it's a cookie. Thank you!

284. I am not gonna go out there

285. and sing "On Top of Spaghetti."

286. Well, how about "Yes, We Have No Bananas"?

287. Donna, wait.

288. There's something I gotta tell you.

289. What, Cleveland?

290. I figured out why I cried at Loretta's funeral.

291. Survivor's guilt.

292. Survivor's guilt?

293. What does that mean, Cleveland?

294. It means I fell out of that bathtub

295. more times than could possibly be funny and never a scratch.

296. She falls out once,

297. breaks her neck and gets Quagmired.

298. It could have been me.

299. You cried at your ex-wife's funeral because of survivor's guilt?

300. Donna, let me ask you something.

301. Would you cry if Robert died?

302. Hush your mouth!

303. You still wanna sleep with him, don't you?

304. I'd like to be asked so I can tell him no.

305. It's not how it seemed when you first said you'd like to be asked.

306. Survivor's guilt.

307. No looking back?

308. No looking back.

309. Oh, my God.

310. We do have more olives.

311. Where's the farting?

312. Any ass can sing.

313. We want the singing ass.

314. Cleveland! Cleveland! Cleveland!

315. Better give them what they want, baby.

316. - You are my soul mate. - Cleveland! Cleveland!

317. Cleveland! Cleveland! Cleveland! Cleveland! Cleveland!

318. You see, Arianna?

319. I told you you should have let me take a poop on the stage.

320. Tim, that can't be your answer to everything.

321. I love you, Cleveland.

322. I love you, too, Loretta.

323. Goodbye, Loretta.