The Cleveland Show 1x16

Directed by Matt Engstrom

Cleveland and Donna get mugged at an ATM and Cleveland gets shot, and the media makes it seem as if he was a hero. Meanwhile, Roberta convinces Rallo that she might be dying of a terrible disease and makes him do her bidding.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Cover that butt crack.

2. Cover that belly.

3. Cover something!

4. No, it's a chemical fire. You can't use water.

5. We'll have to neutralize it with calcium and boron.

6. By the way, that's edible.

7. Help! Derek's choking!

8. It's not working!

9. He can breathe!

10. Ha! Mrs. Brown just throated me.

11. Ha. Ha.

12. What the Sam Hill is going on in here?

13. Oh, Donna, you're just in time for the inaugural run

14. of the Brown family's Blizzard of Bucks Machine!

15. Yeah!

16. Oh, hell, no.

17. Shut it down.

18. - Oh, man. - Come on, Donna. You can play, too.

19. Cleveland, I had a long day,

20. and I'm in no mood for your nonsense.

21. Well, I hope you're in the mood for cold, hard cash!

22. Come on, baby!

23. Big money, money, money, money, money, money!

24. Time's up.

25. You didn't get any bucks!

26. Donna, you suck at Blizzard of Bucks!

27. Who paid for this machine?

28. Donna, it pays for itself.

29. Out! Everybody out!

30. - Adios. - We can take a clue.

31. Nice boobs.

32. So, you wear a wig.

33. I haven't had time to color my gray.

34. I'm Kim Kardashian.

35. There's two things I know—

36. and jeans.

37. And these are great (bleep) jeans.

38. Kardashians.

39. The only jeans with my own patented dual-zipper technology.

40. Kardashians.

41. Because I'm worth it.

42. Outcall only, no kissing on the mouth.

43. Mom!

44. I need $300 to buy a pair of trendy jeans!

45. Do I look like Richard Branson, The Rebel Billionaire?

46. You got money!

47. Not that much!

48. I do.

49. I have $322 in my piggy bank.

50. How'd you get so much money?

51. Because I know how to save.

52. And I've lost a lot of teeth.

53. And I still have my looks.

54. You're starting to get saggy.

55. And...

56. Rallo, this is not the time of the month to piss me off!

57. Time of the month?

58. What's she talkin' about?

59. Dan cra chick fro a pilla at me.

60. Tryin' to eat my dan chip. Shoot.

61. She's making you return the Blizzard?

62. I guess we know

63. who wears the male genitals in your family.

64. Oh, puh-lease Louise.

65. Donna's not the boss of me.

66. Look, Cleveland,

67. - all of us have bossy wives. - Or mothers.

68. You got to just figure out a way to deal with them.

69. I happen to be blessed with a wife

70. who's morbidly obese.

71. All I have to do is go through a doorway,

72. and I'm golden.

73. Well, when Arianna gets me angry,

74. I just log on to message boards of random topics,

75. and I post awful personal things about her.

76. And I sign it "Tom the Bear,"

77. so she could never trace it back to me.

78. Hmm. I need to talk to Donna,

79. and I'll have to be firm with her, like I was with that homeless man.

80. Spare some change?

81. No. I'm sorry.

82. Little help?

83. All right!

84. I'm gonna go buy a tent so I can sleep outside for fun!

85. Yo, Ro, squat or get off the pot!

86. Rallo, I told you, this is a difficult time for me!

87. Leave me alone!

88. Man just want to go to bed

89. without his breath stankin' all to be damned.

90. Great. Now I got to get a new toothbrush.

91. Max-eye Pads?

92. The blood! The horror!

93. Roberta's dying!

94. You know, I've been thinkin'.

95. You sure are wonderful.

96. Cleveland, you're not keeping the stupid money storm game.

97. Blizzard of Bucks.

98. Donna, come on.

99. There's nothing to do at my house when the guys come over.

100. Holt has a Pop-A-Shot, Tim has table tennis,

101. Lester has tetherball,

102. and all I got is...

103. Ooh, thank you kindly.

104. is marbles.

105. And nobody plays marbles anymore, Donna.

106. Nobody.

107. Oh, Cleveland, that is not pink.

108. You asked for pink.

109. Waiter!

110. Is there a problem?

111. My husband's steak is the problem.

112. He asked for it pink.

113. I'm just going to cover it in ketchup anyway.

114. Cleveland, hush. Pink.

115. Donna, if I were watching us on TV right now, I would say,

116. "That handsome gentleman's wife is pushy.

117. And I'll bet you sometimes

118. she embarrasses him around his friends."

119. Then I would continue watching, in hopes that they would explain

120. what happened to that sad waiter's leg.

121. Look, Cleveland, I was born with my dial set to eight,

122. but life cranked it up to ten.

123. That's what happens when you're a single mom

124. for as long as I was.

125. And there's no dialing me down now!

126. Where's that steak?

127. Donna, let's try some role playing.

128. I'm Cleveland roll.

129. I have a reasonable request.

130. I'm Donna roll.

131. I'm bossy, and you can't have a Blizzard of Bucks machine.

132. And I'm Esther roll.

133. Oh, J.J., you'd better not join a gang!

134. Oh, for God's sake, will you stop your dippin' and dappin'

135. if I let you keep that stupid game?

136. And go get some new money to put in it tonight?

137. Yes, Cleveland.

138. Thank you, Donna.

139. Michael, where's Thelma?

140. Run along, Bookman.

141. James is dead?

142. Damn. Damn. Damn!

143. Sorry this took so long.

144. I don't move so quickly since I lost my leg.

145. To an infection that wasn't covered by my insurance.

146. Yes!

147. This show delivers!

148. Maybe you could ask the guys

149. to bring some of their money, too.

150. They never want to.

151. I'll take that.

152. Yes, you will. Enjoy your evening, sir.

153. And I'll take your ring.

154. My wedding ring?

155. The hell you will!

156. Donna, no!

157. Just give him the ring!

158. Ow!

159. Don't die, baby.

160. God don't want you yet!

161. Damn. Damn. Damn!

162. Oh, Cleveland, thank God you were only shot in the arm.

163. Two minutes ago, it really seemed like you were dead.

164. Don't worry, Daddy.

165. I'm gonna bathe you and feed you and wipe you,

166. just like you did me when I was a baby.

167. Thank you, Junior.

168. Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna.

169. Junior, could you give us a minute?

170. Sure. I'll hit the maternity ward

171. and look at the chicken people in the incubators.

172. Look at you, all shot up

173. 'cause I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

174. I'm so sorry, Cleveland.

175. You were right about me.

176. But I'm done being the old Donna.

177. From now on, I'm dialing it back to a four.

178. Four what?

179. Oh, right— your dial metaphor thing.

180. I forgot about that after I got shot.

181. So what did the police say?

182. They say they're not investigating white on Black crimes...

183. because of the economy.

184. Girl, I was doubled over in pain all morning.

185. I barely made it to class.

186. Thank God it'll all be over soon.

187. Roberta, I know you're dying a horrible, blood-gushing death!

188. - What? - I've seen the bandages in the bathroom.

189. The disgusting bandages!

190. Oh, my God. Rallo, I'm not—

191. I will do anything I can

192. to make your last days more pleasant.

193. Anything.

194. I have the flesh-eating virus.

195. My stars!

196. Yes, it's tragic.

197. I guess it would help

198. if I could be buried in the right outfit.

199. Kardashian Jeans— it has to be Kardashians.

200. But I don't have the $300.

201. That's a lot of money for some pants we're gonna bury.

202. No, no, I'll get 'em. I have money.

203. And could you clean my room?

204. Of course I'll clean your room.

205. Guys, you're never gonna believe what—

206. Hey, it's bad, bad Cleveland Brown!

207. I'm sorry. What's happening?

208. We heard you got shot saving Donna's life.

209. Cleveland, you're number one on my dog list— top dog.

210. Number two? Favre.

211. Fellas, please. I'm no hero.

212. Uh, well, no-no one actually used the word her—

213. To Cleveland!

214. Aye, is that Cleveland Brown?

215. I heard he killed ten men with his bare hands.

216. Aye, and I heard he has the head of a man

217. and the body of a lion.

218. What? He's sitting right there.

219. He clearly doesn't have a lion's body.

220. Either play the game or don't, Chad.

221. Talk to me.

222. The Dan Rather?

223. Wants me to be on his show tomorrow?

224. Hell, yeah, ya'mo be there.

225. That was the producer of Rather Early.

226. They want me to come on and tell the story of my heroism!

227. Oh, boy!

228. I better go change my Facebook status

229. from "Cleveland Brown, Jr. is playing marbles with Ernie,"

230. to "Cleveland Brown, Jr. is excited

231. about his dad being on TV"!

232. Mwah.

233. Hello, dear.

234. Here's your martini, your newspaper and your pipe.

235. I'll be here if you need something.

236. - Otherwise, I'll keep my mouth shut. - Oh, I get it.

237. When I got shot, I actually died and went to heaven.

238. Because heaven is a place where women will bring you a drink

239. without any lip and keep their opinions to themselves,

240. because they realize their words are just noise.

241. Mm-hmm.

242. I like new Donna.

243. I was even thinking tonight we could try

244. that thing you've always wanted to try.

245. You know, in the bedroom?

246. - You mean...? - That's right.

247. You on top.

248. You're doing Roberta's laundry?

249. Rallo, I don't know what's going on,

250. but I suspect Roberta is playing you.

251. Don't you talk that way about my sister.

252. She's dying, Mama!

253. What? What makes you say that?

254. I found her soiled bandages—

255. the Max-eye Pads.

256. Max-eye...

257. Oh, Rallo!

258. Oh, I'm sending this one in to Parade magazine.

259. Oh, I'm glad you find it so delightful.

260. Your daughter's not long for this earth, woman!

261. Rallo, sit.

262. How do I put this?

263. Once a month, a woman bleeds uncontrollably.

264. - From where? - From her (whistles).

265. Oh.

266. Good morning, I'm Dan Rather,

267. news veteran of 44 years,

268. and now reduced to co-hosting this local morning chat show.

269. Just passing the time till I die.

270. And I've stopped taking my heart medication, so... any day now.

271. With me, as always, is Tila Tequila.

272. What up, bitches!

273. I make out with girls.

274. Can you handle it?

275. Thank you, Tila.

276. Coming up later— hold on to your hubcaps—

277. Stoolbend's only Mexican will be showing us

278. how to make "tack-os."

279. I got a taco right here.

280. Gross.

281. Now, we meet the brave citizen who fought off a crazed gunman.

282. Please welcome local hero, Cleveland Brown.

283. Hey! Hey! Hey!

284. What's the frequency, Kenneth?

285. I'm just playing.

286. But seriously, dawg, you know what it's like

287. to be confronted by a straight-up madman?

288. This punk-ass fool took my scrilla,

289. then he be tryin' to take my queen's bling.

290. That's when I made him recognize.

291. Problem is, crackhead was strapped, so I got sprayed.

292. What?

293. Mr. Brown, Rather Early has exclusively obtained this video

294. from the ATM security camera where the incident took place.

295. What? I wasn't told there would be a clip, Dan.

296. All right, Favre, helmet on. You're in.

297. Hey, look, our ATM's on TV!

298. We— We're famous!

299. So, Donna, how does it feel to be married to a joke?

300. And not a good joke, but a bad joke,

301. like that one I heard on Saturday Night Live that one time.

302. Oh, I won't have my man comparing himself to anything on NBC.

303. You're right, damn it!

304. I'm gonna go out there and get your ring back!

305. Because I'm better than NBC!

306. They never gave Kath & Kim a chance!

307. Cute show— Molly Shannon, somebody else.

308. Mmm, Molly Shannon.

309. Those underpants when she fell into all those chairs.

310. - Cleveland, my ring. - Yep.

311. Uh, excuse me, sir.

312. Has anyone brought in a woman's gold wedding band?

313. Sir, this is a pawn shop.

314. To think of profiting on something as sordid as divorce

315. is anathema to everything I stand for.

316. - Get out. - Forgive me.

317. - Hey, is that a video camera? - It is.

318. - Is that a fog machine? - Yes.

319. You don't happen to have a saxophone, do you?

320. Sure do.

321. Proper.

322. Well, I guess I should go find that mugger.

323. Cool. Hey, later tonight I'm having some people over to my apartment.

324. - You should come. - Yeah, okay.

325. You're not going to come, are you?

326. No.

327. If I can't go after the mugger,

328. maybe I'll make the mugger go after me.

329. Oh, I hope I look good enough to rob

330. but not good enough to rape.

331. Oh, what's so funny? Are you guys watching a JibJab?

332. No, we're watching you.

333. - You're a YouTube sensation! - What?

334. Oh, turn that mess off before I—

335. Hold on. Junior, pause the video.

336. Now, zoom in, quick!

337. But you can't do that on YouTube.

338. I said zoom in!

339. CLEVELAND, JR.: We've lost too much resolution.

340. I'll have to resample the image.

341. Listen to me.

342. I need you to hack into the server

343. using a buffer overflow attack.

344. - Already done. - Well, what's left?

345. I can open a backdoor to bypass authentication

346. and obtain remote access to the Criminal Investigation Division.

347. Do it. There! Look!

348. The mugger's wearing a Last Call with Carson Daly hat.

349. Junior, cross-check every retail database

350. to find out how many Last Call hats

351. have been sold in the United States.

352. Two. One to a Mr. Carson Daly in Valencia, California,

353. and one was shipped to another honky

354. right here in Stoolbend.

355. You're still wearing your dress!

356. Oh...

357. Pornographic materials.

358. This guy's a real pig.

359. Mmm.

360. Neat! Neat! Neat! Neat! Neat!

361. Hooray!

362. Now I gotta find that ring.

363. Oh, here it is.

364. That was surprisingly uncomplicated.

365. Ow!

366. Oh, my Lord. The mugger found where we live!

367. We got robbed!

368. No, we got even.

369. 299, 300.

370. That's how much money I paid for those jeans.

371. And that's how much money I got

372. for selling everything you own on Craigslist.

373. Ooh! I will beat your little black ass blue!

374. And then I will slap the black off of you.

375. And then, I will use that black to beat your blue ass black all over again!

376. You poor.

377. Roberta, what's wrong?

378. That time of the month?

379. Yo, he means that time of the month

380. when the lining of your uterus falls away.

381. What are you going to do to me?

382. I'm going to make you suffer

383. the way you made Jeanette Mueller suffer.

384. That's right. She was my mother.

385. Wait— who do you think I am?

386. Renfro Jenkins?

387. Cleveland, are you all right?

388. Donna? How'd you find me?

389. Ever since you decided to go out and find my ring,

390. I've been trailing you.

391. I was there at the pawn shop

392. and when you dressed in drag.

393. I didn't want anything to happen to you, baby.

394. So this whole time you were protecting me?

395. I'm sorry.

396. I tried to change, I really did.

397. But, Cleveland, I can't sit quietly in the background like some Asian woman.

398. It's just not me.

399. I know, Donna.

400. This strong, foxy lady is who I married,

401. and it's who I love.

402. Oh, but it's happening all over again.

403. I came here to get your ring back and prove that I'm a man.

404. But now, the only proof that I'm a man

405. is my ambiguous homophobia.

406. No. Not this time, Cleveland.

407. Aah! Damn it!

408. You shot me!

409. Listen to me and listen good.

410. The mugger shot you.

411. - What? He didn't shoot— - Focus!

412. Now you're slapping me?

413. Here, you can have a butterscotch from my purse

414. if you promise to calm down.

415. Okay, I've already called the cops.

416. When they get here, you're going to tell them

417. you confronted the mugger,

418. there was a fight, and he shot you.

419. Mmm. May I have another butterscotch?

420. I don't have any more butterscotches.

421. I saw one in your purse.

422. Fine!

423. So there you were with a bullet wound,

424. but even with the blood draining from your body,

425. you overpowered him and got my ring back.

426. They're here. Go, Cleveland.

427. Wait, aren't you coming?

428. No. You have to go out there

429. and take all the glory for yourself.

430. But why, Donna?

431. Because Stoolbend needs a hero.